Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
I love social media and apps and all that shit, but I’ve always hated Snapchat. I hate all the stupid filters and I hate people who use Snapchat filters as their profile pictures or in “selifes” because, bitch, you don’t look anything like that. Needless to say, I do not have Snapchat.
Rihanna called Snapchat out this week, but unlike me, she did it for more serious reasons than hating girls that constantly making themselves look like puppies on the internet because of this stupid fucking app.
Just when you thought Kayne West’s love of controversy couldn’t get any more fucking over the top, he drops the video for his song “Famous”. You know, the song he’s famously feuded with Taylor Swift about?
The video, which you can stream on Tidal without logging in (thank god, because I’m sorry Jay Z, even with “Lemonade”, you’re not making Tidal happen. Sorry. I love you), showcases Kanye and Kim naked in bed…a long with 10 other celebrities, such as a tits out Taylor.
They say that a picture is worth 1000 words, and the case of this picture of Drake and Chris Brown, those words probably start off with something like: “We’re both over Rihanna’s smoked out pussy, so let’s make some sweet jams together, bro.” Yep, that’s right, the man who beat up Rihanna and the man whose heart Rihanna beat up have officially made up and might be making music together.
In the world of celebrity, every Instagram post is pretty contrived (or in the world of fucking everybody), so I don’t think this is just a casual shot of two buds in the studio. Nope, these two are clearly trying to make a point, and I can only assume that point is: Fuck Rihanna, we are total bff now.
For quite some time we’ve suspected that underneath Rihanna’s clothes, she is completely naked.
We haven’t been able to prove it but we’ve been tossing and turning at night, well mainly tossing, deliberating over this issue and hoping one day we’d be in the position to shout from the rooftops of hecklerspray towers, ‘WE WERE RIGHT!!’
This is that day.
Chris Brown’s been keeping quiet lately. Some might say that’s because he feels bad about the whole Rihanna thing.
Us? We think that Chris Brown is worried that if he opens his mouth his massive uncontrollable teeth will go wayward and decapitate a child or cause structural damage to a bridge or something. But whatever – Chris Brown has just broken his silence by appearing in a video telling everyone that he “ain’t a monster”.
It’s true. Just because he allegedly beat Rihanna to a pulp, it doesn’t make Chris Brown a monster. Monsters can fly and breathe fire and crap.
Chris Brown might wind up in jail for allegedly hitting Rihanna. And jail is the last place that Chris Brown needs to go.
Some sort of tooth-filing academy, yes. A night class that teaches you to write songs that aren’t drearily generic, yes. But jail? No. So he’s come across a cunning plan. Chris Brown wants to get his case dismissed thanks to that leaked picture of Rihanna’s busted-up face.
It’s genius, really. It means that if Chris Brown hadn’t allegedly beaten Rihanna up so much, he wouldn’t have a defence. Shoot for the moon, wife-beaters. Shoot for the moon.
Giving a jetski to Chris Brown is like giving a hammer to a shark – it’s totally irrelevant, but it winds people up.
OK, not people. Just Usher. When Usher saw the photos of Chris Brown larking around on a jetski in Miami recently, he decided that Chris wasn’t showing an appropriate level of remorse and gave him a jolly good tongue-lashing. Now, though, Usher has decided to apologise for his outburst.
But more fool Usher – in actual fact Chris Brown was using the jetski to scout for mermaids he could punch in the face. Usher was right first time! The shame!
If the Chris Brown/ Rihanna mess was a film – and it’s only a matter of time – then this is the act-two climax.
Act one was about the incident itself. Act three will potentially be about Chris Brown getting bummed in jail. And right now is the part where Chris Brown frantically tries to find a decent line of defence for allegedly beating Rihanna up. For the record, Chris Brown’s apparently planning on pleading self-defence.
And that strikes us as just monstrously dumb. Honestly, Chris Brown would have been better off pleading insanity. It’d be watertight – have you seen that moustache?
For an internet fad, Chris Brown’s alleged attack on Rihanna is rubbish – like, where are all the video mashups?
We have two good reasons why not. Firstly, on the scale of hilarity, an alleged domestic assault – even between a couple of mildly annoying pop stars – isn’t exactly David After Dentist, is it? Secondly, it’s hard to be funny about something when there are absolutely no details about it whatsoever.
Until now. A source claims that Chris Brown and Rihanna started to fight when Chris got a texted booty call. Which is ridiculous – who’d want to have sex with Chris Brown?
