Articles tagged with: Chris Brown
Chris Brown Is A Really Excellent Binman
Chris Brown can't change the past - if he could, he would have done a better job on Rihanna and then fled to Mexico. But he can change the future. And that's Chris Brown's prime directive right now. He doesn't want to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence any more - he wants to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence and then cleaned up some rubbish quite well. And that's what he is. A judge has just given Chris Brown an 'extremely favourable' community service progress report. Now that's being a role-model. For people who hit women and then have to pick up trash.
Chris Brown can't change the past - if he could, he would have done a better job on Rihanna and then fled to Mexico. But he can change the future. And that's Chris Brown's prime directive right now. He doesn't want to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence any more - he wants to be known as the big-toothed singer who beat up his girlfriend in a moment of staggering violence and then cleaned up some rubbish quite well. And that's what he is. A judge has just given Chris Brown an 'extremely favourable' community service progress report. Now that's being a role-model. For people who hit women and then have to pick up trash.
Rihanna: I Was Blinded By Love (And Presumably Eye-Punching)
The first half of Rihanna's tell-all Chris Brown interview has finally aired, and what a shock it was. The things Rihanna said! Apparently being beaten to within an inch of your life by the man you love isn't very nice. Who knew? But that's not all - Rihanna says that she's embarrassed about falling in love with Chris Brown. No kidding! Look at him - the bowtie, the odd-shaped head, the ill-advised facial hair, the teeth that look like someone has fired shards of crockery at a watermelon through a ship's cannon. We'd be embarrassed too! Oh, Rihanna was talking about the violence thing. We suppose we can see that too.
The first half of Rihanna's tell-all Chris Brown interview has finally aired, and what a shock it was. The things Rihanna said! Apparently being beaten to within an inch of your life by the man you love isn't very nice. Who knew? But that's not all - Rihanna says that she's embarrassed about falling in love with Chris Brown. No kidding! Look at him - the bowtie, the odd-shaped head, the ill-advised facial hair, the teeth that look like someone has fired shards of crockery at a watermelon through a ship's cannon. We'd be embarrassed too! Oh, Rihanna was talking about the violence thing. We suppose we can see that too.
What Should Chris Brown Do Next? Discussed
Chris Brown, the R&B singer, is unsure of how he is perceived by his fans. We know this, because that’s what he said in an interview. Do they still love him for his music? Or have his tender sex songs lost a little bit of their appeal since he decided to practice Kung Fu on his ex-girlfriend Rihanna’s beautiful face? Yeah, it’s a concern, isn’t it Chris? Unfortunately, sensual declarations of love to a backing track do tend to sound a bit watery, once you know that beneath the gargantuan teeth, and the promises of a better future, beats the thumping heart of a maniac just seconds away from a red mist. Sneeze at the wrong moment, and he might come at you with a brick. Still, all is not lost for Chris Brown. Using some templates from other famous people who have been unmasked for dodgy wrong-doings, here are a few paths that he could choose to tread...
Chris Brown, the R&B singer, is unsure of how he is perceived by his fans. We know this, because that’s what he said in an interview. Do they still love him for his music? Or have his tender sex songs lost a little bit of their appeal since he decided to practice Kung Fu on his ex-girlfriend Rihanna’s beautiful face? Yeah, it’s a concern, isn’t it Chris? Unfortunately, sensual declarations of love to a backing track do tend to sound a bit watery, once you know that beneath the gargantuan teeth, and the promises of a better future, beats the thumping heart of a maniac just seconds away from a red mist. Sneeze at the wrong moment, and he might come at you with a brick. Still, all is not lost for Chris Brown. Using some templates from other famous people who have been unmasked for dodgy wrong-doings, here are a few paths that he could choose to tread...
Chris Brown Still Wubs Rihanna, The Ickle Diddums
It's only natural to occasionally get nostalgic over a lost love - you know, the good times, the laughter. The time you tried to choke them unconscious in a car. Oh, we've all been there. We have. Alright, we haven't. But Chris Brown has. In fact, Chris Brown misses Rihanna so much that yesterday he used Twitter to link to a YouTube video of both of them kissing and hugging entitled 'The Way We Used To Be.' It's enough to bring tears to the eyes, isn't it? You know, tears like you get when someone's chewing on one of your ears and loudly threatening to kill you. Those sort of tears.
It's only natural to occasionally get nostalgic over a lost love - you know, the good times, the laughter. The time you tried to choke them unconscious in a car. Oh, we've all been there. We have. Alright, we haven't. But Chris Brown has. In fact, Chris Brown misses Rihanna so much that yesterday he used Twitter to link to a YouTube video of both of them kissing and hugging entitled 'The Way We Used To Be.' It's enough to bring tears to the eyes, isn't it? You know, tears like you get when someone's chewing on one of your ears and loudly threatening to kill you. Those sort of tears.
And Here’s Chris Brown’s New Single (It’s Less Suicidey)
Sorry Rihanna. You may have wrapped yourself in barbed wire and sung about killing yourself, but you've been out-depressed. You see, Chris Brown also has a new single out. And even though your song, Rihanna, was about blowing a gigantic hole in your own chest with a pistol, Chris Brown's new single is immeasurably more depressing simply because it exists. It's called Crawl, and it's a kind of sadsack 'I know I tried to choke you unconscious and bite one of your ears off, but I still love you baby' plea for forgiveness. And it's worked. Oh Chris Brown, we could never stay mad at you, you stupid-toothed, bowtie-wearing, violent, woman-hating twat.
Sorry Rihanna. You may have wrapped yourself in barbed wire and sung about killing yourself, but you've been out-depressed. You see, Chris Brown also has a new single out. And even though your song, Rihanna, was about blowing a gigantic hole in your own chest with a pistol, Chris Brown's new single is immeasurably more depressing simply because it exists. It's called Crawl, and it's a kind of sadsack 'I know I tried to choke you unconscious and bite one of your ears off, but I still love you baby' plea for forgiveness. And it's worked. Oh Chris Brown, we could never stay mad at you, you stupid-toothed, bowtie-wearing, violent, woman-hating twat.
Chris Brown Starts Choking His Community Service Unconcious
Chris Brown may have shocked the world by violently attacking Rihanna in the face while threatening to kill her. But it's not all bad news. For instance, if Chris Brown hadn't bludgeoned Rihanna's face into an unrecognisable pulp, then who'd be clearing weeds from the Virginia Police Department's stables at the moment? What? Some other convicted criminal? One who wouldn't need all the extra security guards that Chris Brown currently requires? Oh, that's actually quite a good point. Still, the horses are bound to react more kindly to Chris Brown, aren't they? They've got the same size teeth, you see.
Chris Brown may have shocked the world by violently attacking Rihanna in the face while threatening to kill her. But it's not all bad news. For instance, if Chris Brown hadn't bludgeoned Rihanna's face into an unrecognisable pulp, then who'd be clearing weeds from the Virginia Police Department's stables at the moment? What? Some other convicted criminal? One who wouldn't need all the extra security guards that Chris Brown currently requires? Oh, that's actually quite a good point. Still, the horses are bound to react more kindly to Chris Brown, aren't they? They've got the same size teeth, you see.
Michael Jackson Tribute Concert: Now With Pretty Much Nobody
If you plan to be in Vienna on September 26, then we're afraid we've got a little bit of bad news for you. You're terrible at choosing holiday destinations. Oh, and also, if you were visiting Vienna to see the Michael Jackson tribute concert, then you might be the only one. Because the flipping thing's been jolly well cancelled. According to reports, Mary J Blige, Natalie Cole and Chris Brown all dropped out of the Michael Jackson tribute concert, causing it to be rescheduled to take place next year in London. Sweet mercy, will nobody think of Sister Sledge?
If you plan to be in Vienna on September 26, then we're afraid we've got a little bit of bad news for you. You're terrible at choosing holiday destinations. Oh, and also, if you were visiting Vienna to see the Michael Jackson tribute concert, then you might be the only one. Because the flipping thing's been jolly well cancelled. According to reports, Mary J Blige, Natalie Cole and Chris Brown all dropped out of the Michael Jackson tribute concert, causing it to be rescheduled to take place next year in London. Sweet mercy, will nobody think of Sister Sledge?
Chris Brown Fights Oprah (Not Literally, For Once)
If you were Chris Brown's publicist, your advice to him would be pretty simple at the moment, wouldn't it? You'd tell him to shut up, wouldn't you? You'd tell Chris Brown to shut up and - if he absolutely had to speak in public - to only express his profound remorse for what he did to Rihanna. What's more, you'd spell it out to Chris Brown that under no circumstances should he use a national magazine interview as an excuse to lay into Oprah Winfrey for suggesting that he wasn't very nice. Because, yes, he did that. Chris Brown's publicist must be rubbish.
If you were Chris Brown's publicist, your advice to him would be pretty simple at the moment, wouldn't it? You'd tell him to shut up, wouldn't you? You'd tell Chris Brown to shut up and - if he absolutely had to speak in public - to only express his profound remorse for what he did to Rihanna. What's more, you'd spell it out to Chris Brown that under no circumstances should he use a national magazine interview as an excuse to lay into Oprah Winfrey for suggesting that he wasn't very nice. Because, yes, he did that. Chris Brown's publicist must be rubbish.
