The days when ‘big films’ on Christmas telly were circled in red pen by enthusiastic Radio/TV Times readers have long since passed. Cheap DVDs and 950-odd movie channels have made the ‘terrestrial premiere’ have all the impact of the phrase ‘starring Jim Cavaziel’.

There’s always the big screen of course, with the festive flicks offering a welcome escape from hateful relatives or having to grind through the likes of The Krankies’ ‘It’s Behind You’ Panto Special on Channel Five (at least we don’t have the horrors of Disney Time and Holiday on Ice to glaze our brains over any more).

So join us at the movies and let’s see what’s on.

Sherlock Homes: A Game of Shadows

Not the one where the world’s greatest detective and his faithful sidekick pretend to be Hank Marvin and Bruce Welch. No, its arch-mumbler Robert Downey Jr and wet fish Jude Law as Holmes and Watson in Guy Ritchie’s sequel to the quite-likeable-actually 2009 adventure. This one has our sexually ambiguous investigators taking on the dastardly Professor Moriarty (Richard Harris’s lad, Jared, in comedy beard and hat combo).

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Americans, as we know, cannot read. Which is why they make perfectly decent foreign-language subtitle films all over again, just after they’ve been perfectly decent successes, with big stars who speak proper languages like English. So here comes the second adaptation in two years of Stieg Larsson’s gloomy Nordic crime thriller, beloved of public transport users everywhere. Perpetually furrowed Daniel Craig leads with sort-of newcomer Rooney Mara as the titular Girl, looking like the offspring of Noel Fielding and a newly discovered tropical plant. David Fincher is directing, so let’s hope it’ll be more like Fight Club than Panic Room.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

If you groan at the very sight of Tom Cruise then you’ll want to dodge this. That the Mission Impossible films are usually crushing disappointments doesn’t help. The point of Mission Impossible is that it’s about a team, but once you’ve had to accommodate Tommo and his ego no-one else really has room to look in. Simon Pegg’s there for his chums at Empire magazine to fawn over, whilst Alan Tichmarsh lookalike Jeremy Renner competes with Cruise in doing action stuff. Pixar veteran Brad Bird directs. Insert your own Tom Cruise/cartoon character joke here.

Alvin and the Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked

Speaking of cartoons, the young ‘uns get yet another dose of computer/live action shenanigans from the USA’s answer to Pinky and Perky. Where we trotted the singing puppet pigs off to TV hell decades ago, the Yanks still peddle the squeaky critters to easily bored kiddies. As you can guess, they get dumped on a desert island this time round, with Jason Lee the human mug acting opposite thin air. If that’s no good, there’s Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek smouldering their voices into feline avatars in Shrek prequel Puss in Boots.

Hugo

The best until last with 3D that works, a charming story, great design and characters (including an appearance by Christopher Lee, the world’s coolest nonagenarian), and a love of cinema shining throughout. However if you want something more horrific and stomach churning, there’s a film out in January that makes Human Centipede 2 look like Bambi: Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady. If the thought of those bus posters doesn’t make you vomit up your figgy pudding, nothing will.

Happy Christmas!

This was a guest post by Peter Sharples who has, to date, offered absolutely nothing of value to anything ever which is precisely why we like him.

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