You remember The Offspring, don’t you? They’re the ones that did that song about being ‘pretty fly’ despite being a white person. It’s a song which is basically about not mimicking black people. It’s one of those songs that has gone down in history as being the intellectual equivalent to ‘The Bad Touch’ by The Bloodhound Gang.

Well, if you were excited when that came out you’ll be delighted to hear that they’ve confirmed they are putting the finishing touches to the follow-up to 2008’s ‘Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace.’ Our source for this claimed that it was the ‘much-anticipated’ follow-up but even we’re not that sarcastic.

Singer Dexter Holland and guitarist Noodles told a very, very strangely set up podcast that the band have already finished the guitar and drum parts for the twelve tracks on the record and they are now working on the lyrics.

That’s how you write an album, isn’t it? You just record some music and then see what fits in. Maybe they’ll do another song about wanting to ‘hit something’ like 2003′s ‘Hit That’ from the album Splinter.

Speaking on a podcast, with special guest competitive eating champion Takeru Kobayashi (no… seriously), The Offspring’s creative powerhouses mull over a number of subjects but apparently didn’t get time to contemplate why they haven’t released a decent record since 1997′s Ixnay on the Hombre.

Holland said:

“So as you guys at home can probably tell we’ve been totally fucking off on not working on the record.”

Actually Dexter, no-one was that bothered but thanks for keeping us informed. The frontman insisted that the band have been working their behinds off in the studio every day ‘laying down tracks’ but are now taking their time to shoehorn some lyrics into the songs.

The Offspring admit that their latest, hotly-unanticipated release won’t be out this year but have been careful to suggest that the fans of the defunct genre won’t be waiting too long for their inevitable disappointment.

Guitarist Noodles stated:

“No. I don’t think so (come out this year)… prove me wrong, dude! Who knows at this point? It’s definitely not gonna be a Chinese Democracy situation. It’s not… you know, we’re gonna finish it, we’re getting close, you see the light at the end of the tunnel. You know… we’re not gonna go in and scrap and re-write these songs, these songs are good. So don’t worry about that.”

He seems certain, doesn’t he? All those ellipses don’t denote hesitation… or do they?

Actually, we are quite worried. Some of us in the hecklerspray bedsit have fond memories of The Offspring back in the day when they were quite good and quite fun. Given The Offspring’s last two or three studio offerings, fans of the band should be really, really concerned that Noodles thinks these songs are ‘good’. He’s clearly not the best judge. Especially given how strikingly awful Chinese Democracy turned out to be.

If you can’t control yourself and have already piddled your pants with excitement at the prospect of more Orange County surf pop-punk from the men who brought you that other song about getting a job or something like that then go and listen to 1994′s Smash and wonder why they can’t just do that again.

Axl Rose has once again proved to the world that he’s a massive douchebag.  We’re talking an orchestral rock, 8 minutes 57 seconds, inapproriate wedding dresses, helicopter shots of churches, epic douchebag.

But you knew that didn’t you?  Look at him, he’s a 12 year old girl that’s been doing hard drugs for 30 years.  What’s he done lately? Not much, pissed off his few remaining fans by playing diva at gigs and making them wait 15 bloody years for a lacklustre album that nobody bought.

It seems poor Rose can’t take the fact that we all still love Slash.  He’s still a rock god, still making fairly good rock, still not wearing stupid blonde hair extensions and he’s still making money.  Which Rose clearly isn’t.

Rose is heading to the courts to seek $20million from Activision Blizzard, developers of Guitar Hero III.  He’s claiming that Activision Blizzard promised him they wouldn’t use Slash in the game, or reference Slash’s involvement with Velvet Revolver.

That’s £12.6million for using someone else in the game.

A guitar game.

Rose wants £12.6million because Activision Blizzard used an image of the GUITARIST who wrote and played the GUITAR part, on GUITAR, in a game called GUITAR Hero. And that’s just the start, we wants them to GIVE HIM all profits from the game.

He’s also having a bitch about the use of Sweet Child O’Mine in an online version of the game.

If the game was called Narky Little Bitch Hero, we’d understand why Rose’s opinion would matter.  We know it’s all a matter of copyright and what not, but it’s still crazy.

Rose claims the developers:

“…began spinning a web of lies and deception to conceal its true intentions to feature Slash and VR prominently in ‘GH III.’”

We have no idea waht this means, or what lies were allegedly told.  But it’s going to make the court case fun.

The bit that really baffles us is the fact that Rose takes issue with Activision Blizzard’s moves to “promote the game by emphasizing and reinforcing an association between Slash and Guns N’ Roses and the band’s song Welcome to the Jungle.”

Surely it was obvious that the game was going to mention that Slash was in Guns N’ Roses? Because he was.  We’ve seen the pictures from the 80′s and compared them to Slash today.  That top hat hasn’t aged a day.

hecklerspray is by no means a hotbed of legal cleverness, but we know this case is going to be full of Axl being an egotistical man-baby demanding obscene amounts of money and, we hope, launching into a well documented sweary rant at a judge.

That may well precipitate a contempt of court charge and a night’s stay in the company of a 400lb man named Daisy who has a soft spot for ginger bitches.

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Axl Rose is a bloated prick isn’t he? Seriously. He’s an astonishingly shit human. He preens about this Earth like his balls are clad in gold, when really, he’s just a chubby shrieker with a chemically peeled pink head. These days, he’s less the frontman for a rock group and more like a piñata filled with faeces.

And hilariously, the Irish didn’t mind letting him know. Of course, he’s well known for making the people he’s supposed to love (the fans) wait and wait without regard for them in the slightest, by entering the live arena as late as he possibly can.

As such, the Irish took the piñata feeling and tried to knock his insides out with bottles.

The latest incarnation of the Guns N Roses took to the stage at the O2 in Dublin typically late and hurled as much  at the stage as they could muster.

To play to stereotype, you can only imagine how angry an Irishman has to be if he’s willing to throw away perfectly good booze.

Anyway, Axl asked an already furious crowd to stop chucking things at him, or they’d ‘go home’. They managed a couple of songs before Axl just bid everyone a good evening and buggered off, stage right.

At no point did Axl Rose consider that he may have been the reason why the crowd turned so ugly. We at hecklerspray can only applaud the Irish crowd for the levels of hostility shown toward this jumped-up shithouse.

You have to wonder why he continually comes out late. Is he having a little nap, curled up like a sick kitten under a desk? Is he furiously tugging his genitals trying to get them to work so he can pleasure himself because posturing on stage?

It’s probably fair to say that he’s quite simply, an arrogant chump.

Here’s a video of the Irish crowd turning on Axl & Co. You will invariably feel sorry for the poor buggers at the venue who tried to appease the crowd AND coax Axl Rose out from his dressing room.

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Knock knock. Who’s there? Axl Rose is a massive prick. Okay, it’s obvious that this joke needs work, but the punchline is pretty truthful as rock ‘n’ roll’s most warped ego flops around Europe like the Emperor in his new clothes.

Yes indeed, the world’s most average hard rock band – well, Axl Rose and a bunch of people who are willing to be bossed around by him under the GNR banner – are to play their hugely underwhelming Chinese Democracy LP to European brains, who no doubt, will be egging the band on to play Sweet Child O’Mine and piss-off into the night.

Fat chance.Of course, not one for doing things the easy way, Axl Rose not only likes to make ordinary LPs as expensive to make as humanly possible, but also, like to irritate his own fans so much that, by the time they appear on-stage, they’re delirious and willing to applaud absolutely anything as long as it signifies that they can go to bed soon.

Axl Rose is notorious for showing up on-stage late, presumably so he can get some valuable bullying time in with the rest of his hired henchplayers.

However, this year, they won’t be allowed any tardiness at the Reading And Leeds Festivals has boss of the shows, Melvin Benn, has said that the group will absolutely in no way be allowed to go on late at this year’s events.

The last time Guns N’ Roses played the dual festivals, they went on stage in Leeds after 11pm which is over an hour after their scheduled start time.

Benn told NME that this year the band will simply not be allowed to piss about.

“It’s just not an option. I mean, it is certainly an option for them to go on late, but that for me is just about disrespecting their fans. There isn’t an option for them to carry on late, though.”

He added:

“You may remember they played Leeds festival in 2002, and they actually went onstage after their curfew should have started. They went on after they should have finished. We sort of were allowed to do that on that one occasion.

“Unfortunately, [this year] the police and the local authorities in particular have reaffirmed their position to me that the curfew has to be adhered to. It’s 11pm at Leeds and it’s 11:30pm at Reading. The truth is that I can’t allow the performance to go on beyond that – it’s just that simple.”

The Reading And Leeds Festivals take place on August 27-29 and, of course, Axl Rose and his latest gaggle of depressed Guns N’ Roses will be appearing on-stage at around 3am, just to irritate everyone. With any luck, he’ll be pelted with cups of piss.

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Guns N’ Roses’ bloated and abhorred frontman and only original member Axl Rose appears to have had yet another meltdown, this time announcing the cancellation of his entire world tour.

Not content with alienating himself from his bandmates, making the most expensive flop in music history, delaying any and all Guns N’ Roses output however he can as well as routinely showing up late for and randomly cancelling shows, Rose may have just decided to go all out and cancel every show he plans to play in the entire world!

The news broke last night after a message appeared on Rose’s Twitter account that read, “All upcoming Guns N’ Roses dates are officially cancelled. Please contact your place of purchase for any refunds.”

Brilliantly, Rose seems to have announced this without telling his band, which is hardly surprising given his track record. The band have put out a tweet that says they’re, “looking into,” the validity of the tweet from Rose’s account.

This tells us one of two things: either the band believe the tweet is fake or (more likely) no one involved with Guns N’ Roses is important enough to ask the megalomaniacal frontman whether or not he sent this tweet out, unless they did and he was slumped on the floor gurgling and trying not to choke on his own vomit.

There is still the chance that Rose had his Twitter account hacked. It is possible, after all, Paramore lead singer Hayley Williams claimed she had been hacked after topless pictures of her were sent out from her account.

Whether the announcement from Rose about the cancellation of the entire Guns N’ Roses Chinese Democracy World Tour is true or not, you can count on one thing. Slash is loving this.

UPDATE – Apparently Axl Rose’s Twitter account really was hacked. The tour is back on, at least until Axl changes his mind for real. We give it a fortnight.

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Axl Rose, as many have pointed out before us, is an anagram of Ego Driven Prick. Or something. So yeah! Whoop! Hard rocks most irritating band are coming to the UK to hand out lawsuits and get, like, rreeaallly drunk and turn up 9 hours late for a show!  WAHOO!

Boy howdy! Guns N’ Roses could well be causing yet another riot in your hometown with the announced UK tour of their Chinese Democracy LP.

These shows are the band’s first arena concerts in the UK in four years.

Tickets go on sale this Friday at 9am and will no doubt sell out fast. You might want to start hitting redial constantly now. Sod work. They’ll probably understand.

Of course, the current GNR lineup isn’t exactly the vinatge one.

Only Axl Rose is a founding member (member being the operative word) and he’ll be joined by Ron ‘Bumblefoot’ Thal, DJ Ashba, Richard Fortus, Tommy Stinson, Dizzy Reed, Chris Pitman and Frank Ferrer.

Unless, of course, he bullies them until they all leave.

Anyway, here are the full tour dates:

October 13 – London, O2 Arena
October 17 – Birmingham, LG Arena
October 18 – Manchester, MEN Arena

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Axl Rose always keeps his promises – even promises that take about 20 years which nobody really cares about any more.

And if a tubby ginger hermit like Axl Rose can keep his promises, then he damn well expects a fizzy drinks company like Dr Pepper to as well. You’ll remember that Dr Pepper promised everyone in America a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year. Well, Guns N’ Roses did release Chinese Democracy this year but, thanks to a website snafu, hardly anyone got their free Dr Pepper.

And so Guns N’ Roses have literally got their lawyer to demand that Dr Pepper gives everyone their free drink regardless of the cost. It might seem like a heavyhanded gesture, but that’s nothing – Axl Rose is so furious about this mix-up that he’s decided to record a brand new album to deliberately address what he sees as Dr Pepper’s shoddy customer service. Expected release date – the year four hundred billion AD.

Axl Rose and Dr Pepper are remarkably similar. They’re both ginger, for starters, plus they’re equally bubbly. And both of them have funny names and are only really enjoyed by massive idiots with no taste.

So back in March when Dr Pepper promised everyone a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy before the end of 2008, it seemed like such a brilliant marketing stunt. After all, not only did it give Dr Pepper more press coverage that it knew what to do with, but it was all free – Dr Pepper would never have to pay out because it was common knowledge that Axl Rose was going to stay locked up in his studio, tightening and untightening a solitary cymbal wingnut in his pants until it made the exact sound he wanted, which would be never because the exact sound he wanted was actually a mooing cow.

But anyway, this week the unthinkable happened. Guns N’ Roses actually released Chinese Democracy. And that meant three things:

1 - About four people who still think it’s 1991 were slightly thrilled.

2 - China got its knickers in a twist a bit.

3 - Everyone got a free Dr Pepper.

Except that last one didn’t actually happen. You see, what Dr Pepper meant when it said that everyone got a free drink if Guns N’ Roses released Chinese Democracy this year was that everyone gets a free drink, but only on the day of its release, and then only if you managed to get onto the Dr Pepper website to download the appropriate voucher before heavy traffic derailed it for most of that day.

And this set of near-impossible conditions has made Axl Rose so furious that he’s actually set his lawyer Alan Gutman onto Dr Pepper. Reuters reports:

Gutman is demanding that Dr Pepper makes good on its offer by extending the period for the offer; he also wants full-page apologies in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today and the Wall Street Journal. Gutman’s letter makes clear his view that the original campaign was an “exploitation of my clients’ legendary reputation and their eagerly awaited album” and “brazenly violated our clients’ rights.”

Oh, and money. Axl Rose wants money too. As if you needed to be told.

But although this is basically an argument about how people can’t get a free horrible-tasting drink because a rubbish band released a disappointing album within a certain timeframe, Axl Rose should be congratulated on his newfound attentiveness towards consumer affairs.

Not that we should be surprised, though – Axl Rose has had a long-standing interest in the world of customer service for some time now. It’s a little-known fact that Bad Apples was written about the returns policy of his local greengrocer, while Sweet Child O’ Mine was Axl’s angry reaction to the baby he received from a cannibalism website which tasted slightly tart when he had specifically requested a sugary one. True story*.

*Not a true story.

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You know Chinese Democracy? The just-released album by Guns N’ Roses that was titled to deliberately upset the Chinese government?

Well, you’ll never guess what it’s just done. A newspaper published by the Chinese government’s ruling Communist Party has got upset with the title Chinese Democracy, and accused Guns N’ Roses of ‘turning its spearpoint’ on China.

Not that the Chinese government has any real reason to worry about Guns N’ Roses’ spear – based on historical evidence we’d say that Axl Rose is going to spend the next 15 years polishing the spear to within an inch of its life, then get Shaquille O’Neal to do a rap about the spear, then build everybody’s expectations of the spear to the extent that it’ll be a horrible letdown to anyone who actually sees the spear. And then instead of stabbing anyone with it, he’ll just go and have a wank anyway.

Some said this day would never come – after a wait of approximately 350 years, more false starts than you could possibly count and the still-unexplainable employment of a man called Buckethead who always had a bucket on his head, Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses has finally been released, to the clear delight of the thirtysomething middle-management family men who made up the band’s angry young fanbase back when they were popular.

It’s been a labour of love for Axl Rose, a man who made it his own personal mission to create a semi-decent album that’s swaddled in so many overdubs, whooshy sound effects and random one-word dips into befuddling comedy Transylvanian accents that listening to it all the way through feels like scuba-diving through week-old trifle.

The weight of expectation around Chinese Democracy is so immense that it’ll never sell enough copies to justify the years and years of work ploughed into it. Unless, you know, the biggest country in the world is stupid enough to take the bait and get wound up about an album title that’s been common knowledge since the mid-1990s.

Which, hey, it has. AP reports:

In an article Monday headlined “American band releases album venomously attacking China,” the Global Times said unidentified Chinese Internet users had described the album as part of a plot by some in the West to “grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn.” The album “turns its spear point on China,” the article said.

We can’t help feeling that China might be overreacting a little bit here. Look, something tells us that Axl Rose probably wouldn’t be able to grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn if he wanted to. It took the poor sod about 15 years to come up with an album that sounds like the mediocre soundtrack to a documentary about monster trucks, for crying out loud. The sun will have expanded and swallowed Earth up by the time Axl’s even decided with shoes he’d like to wear for grasping and controlling the world using democracy as a pawn.

But still, at least China has got all this anti-Guns N’ Roses sentiment out of its system now. And with that it can begin concentrating on something a bit more relevant, like the hints of racism in that Chinaman sketch by hot new up-and-coming comedian Benny Hill.

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Question: how long does it take Axl Rose to write a song that sounds like the theme-tune to Biker Mice From Mars?

Answer: however long it’s taken Guns N’ Roses to record Chinese Democracy. Today is the day that many never thought they’d see in their lifetime – the day that the first single from Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses got officially played on the radio.

There’s a link to the song – also entitled Chinese Democracy – after the jump, but if you can’t be bothered, just imagine the background music from a 1980s regional ITV show about speedboats, but with a painfully long muttered intro that lasts for about an hour and doesn’t really go anywhere performed by a Stars In Their Eyes Axl Rose impersonator. Dr Pepper for everyone!

Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses was always going to be Axl Rose’s masterpiece. For close to 15 years now, he’s hunkered down in his studio, tweaking and primping his opus. Guest stars like Brian May, Shaquille O’Neal and the last 18 line-ups of Guns N’ Roses have been hired and fired. Even before a note of it was heard by anyone, it was clear enough that Chinese Democracy was going to be the most long-awaited overblown directionless muddle ever recorded.

And now it’s time to see exactly how much of a let-down Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses is going to be. After countless decade-long set-backs, Chinese Democracy is being released next month and, as is traditional, it is being preceded by a single, which is also called Chinese Democracy.

People, that single got its first radio play today. Reuters reports:

The title track from the upcoming Guns N’ Roses’ album “Chinese Democracy” will be available to download by U.S. radio outlets on Wednesday. Although some album tracks leaked this summer, this is the first authorized new music from the rock band in nine years.

Since Chinese Democracy has been sweated over for so long, it’s bound to throw the entire music industry spinning off into a thrilling brand new direction or – failing that – the 37-year-old men who liked Appetite For Destruction when they were 16 will buy it, listen to it once, maybe download two songs from it onto their iPod and never listen to it again.

Which will it be? Well, why don’t you listen to Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses now and find out.

What do we think of Chinese Democracy? Funny you should ask. Well, aside from the fact that a full minute of the song is wasted between the guffy scene-setting intro and the widdly-woo explosion ending, and the fact that we’re almost certain that Axl Rose is singing “All I’ve got is Princess Di” in the chorus – which is factually incorrect because all he’s actually got is a set of rubbishy ginger dreadlocks and a bit of a tummy – we’re confident in saying that Chinese Democracy is certainly one of the best songs of the year.

It’s just a shame that the year in question is 1991.

In 1492 when Axl Rose was first granted permission by Spanish royalty to seek out a shorter trade route to India, he set out at an eager pace.

Instead of trade routes, however, he discovered the Americas. When his foot first set on the western world’s sandy shores he swore a solemn vow to one day release an album to honor that occasion. He gave a title – Chinese Democracy. A strange name for the album’s occasion, if you ask us.

But alas, he certainly has taken his time in fulfilling that oath. He has been busy though – what with all that ending slavery, covering all of WWII with a warm blanket of peace, and flying to the moon in a rocket-ship he built himself just for the self satisfaction of beating Neil Armstrong to it. Also he translated the bible back to the original Greek. He never took credit for the latter.

But apparently he’s cleared his schedule – because a Chinese Democracy release date has reportedly been set.

It wasn’t so long ago that Axl Rose’s legal team sucked the marrow from the bones of some kid who posted most of Chinese Democracy online without anybody’s permission. Before that he told Rock Band 2 they could steal as many of his songs as they wanted. Before that he said concretely that he was a Mr. Pibb man, and definitely never intended to ever be anything else.

Most recently though, Rose said he’s finally ready to unleash his musical infant-opus on the global public. Well, technically he didn’t say that – but people close to him have. According to Billboard.com:

“More than a decade after its conception, Guns N’ Roses’ “Chinese Democracy” will finally see the light of day before year’s end, sources close to the situation confirm to Billboard. As first reported here, the set will be a Best Buy exclusive and will be available Sunday, Nov. 23, rather than the usual Tuesday.”

Well that’s probably good news for several people. As for us, we’re more looking forward to the album he puts out after Chinese Democracy. We’ve heard working titles are: Don’t Be Afraid To Drink Chinese Milk Anymore, Hey kid – You Sucking on A Chinese Toy? Well By Gum Keep Doing It, Sorry Your Pets Died Eating Chinese-made Pet Food, But They’ve Got It Under Control Now, or some other title that’ll never ring true.

Somebody get that guy a Grammy shelf.

In the good ol’ days the only people lining jail cells were obvious witches, probable werewolves and all the wives of the king who were selfish in bed.

Fast forward several centuries and you find much more relevant criminals locked up – like cattle thieves and rappers. Personally, we’d really like to see witches put back on the list – and quickly, before they again snare the hearts of men with their dancing and such.

Perhaps the most shocking new addition, at least to the American jail system, is a Guns N’ Roses fan who posted nine secret songs from Chinese Democracy onto his website. He was full-on arrested by the FBI Wednesday morning for violating federal copyright laws.

We heard a deputised Axl kicked in the door himself. Well, he had a servant kick the door in, but then he ran in growling right behind that same servant. And then he stood there glaring with his arms folded as that same servant again put the kid in cuffs.

We really wonder what that butler’s job description was when he originally applied for the job.

Kevin Cogill is a 27-year-old man who thought it would be a good idea to post nine Chinese Democracy songs on his website. Can you blame him though? He was probably hoping his act would result in 200 million Dr Peppers being dispersed to Americans all over the country. 700 million if illegal Mexicans are lumped in.

It didn’t though. All it got him was handcuffed and introduced to a cellmate who keeps testing the waters by saying things like ”I think we’re alone now” and “We tumble to the ground and then you say…”

Cogill’s site, antiquiet.com, got a ton of traffic from the posting – enough that it caused everything to crash. A cease and desist letter came in the mail or something, and the kid was quick to comply. It was too late though – the federal wheels were already turning. Here’s all the info the LA Times has provided:

“A man accused of posting nine previously unreleased songs by the rock band Guns N’ Roses on a website where they could be accessed by the public was arrested at his home early today on suspicion of violating federal copyright laws, authorities said. Kevin Cogill, 27, is accused of posting the songs, which were being prepared for commercial release, on the Internet blog Antiquiet in June, according to an arrest affidavit.”

Bail’s been set at $10,000, and if convicted the kid actually faces up to five years in the slammer. It could be worse. What if he got sentenced to be a G&R guitarist? Imagine all that sitting around the studio watching Rose play with knobs and levers endlessly, and hearing the words “You know what? Let’s record that last part again,” for ten years and counting.

Absolutely brutal.

If you are absolutely dying to hear a track – you’ll just have to buy Rock Band 2. Not us though.

We’re too busy waiting for the rumored Captain & Tennille 12 track opus. Supposedly – they use two orchestras on it.

Axl Rose has been working on Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy for 14 years now, and in the absence of a release date, the big guns have been brought out.

OK, not really the big guns as such. The fizzy syrup that rots your teeth and tastes a bit like metal. Lots and lots of the fizzy syrup that rots your teeth and tastes a bit like metal. That instead of the big guns.

Fizzy drink company Dr Pepper has promised a free can of Dr Pepper to everyone in America if Guns N' Roses release Chinese Democracy in 2008. What people do with it is up to them – they can either immerse themselves in the exhilarating complex effervescence of Dr Pepper or pound the unopened can against their temple until they're unconscious because they'd rather suffer blunt force trauma than hear what a letdown Chinese Democracy is.

The thing about great lost albums is that there's usually a reason why they're lost in the first place. Take Smile, for instance – for 35 years Beach Boys fans frothed and bickered about how great it really was, and then when it was released in 2004 everyone listened to it once, pulled a 'that's a bit self-indulgent' face and never played it again.

And that's Smile, for christ's sake – The Album That Made Brian Wilson Mad. Compare that to the long-delayed Guns N' Roses album Chinese Democracy – The Album That Made Axl Rose Quite Fat at best. Chances are that whatever kernel of quality was created in the inception of Chinese Democracy was tinkered with and overdubbed into a narcissistic $13 million mess of Shaquille O'Neal guest-raps nine or ten years ago, but people still get excited by the prospect of its release.

Most recently it was promised that Chinese Democracy would be released in 2006, but that didn't happen. Then a 2007 Chinese Democracy release date came and went and everything fell silent again, roughly around the same time that Chinese Democracy was going to redefine the term 'bloated'.

But some people still want to hear what kind of flabby, directionless mess Axl Rose has come up with and, oddly enough, they all work for Dr Pepper. Knowing that just about the only thing that can tempt Axl Rose out of his cave is the promise of oddly-tasting carbonated muck, Dr Pepper has offered a free can of drink to everyone in America if Rose can get himself together enough to release Chinese Democracy this year. Reuters reports:

Now, Dr Pepper thinks it's up to the challenge. The soft drink company says it will give a free can of Dr Pepper to "everyone in America" (excluding ex-Guns members Slash and Buckethead) if "Chinese Democracy" arrives anytime during the calendar year 2008. Rose responded on his band's web site that the band was "surprised and very happy to have the support of Dr Pepper." But the offer did not prompt him to rose to the challenge.

Of course, it'll never happen. Axl Rose seems so far down the rabbit hole with Chinese Democracy at this point that the only way we'll ever get to hear it is if Axl Rose suddenly dies and his record label releases a deluxe-packaged 90-CD box set of the Chinese Democracy sessions, 86 CDs of which will just be the sound of Axl Rose making infinitesimal alterations on a flange pedal for hours on end.

But, hey, what is it with soft drink companies taunting pop groups today? First Pepsi makes Billy Corgan throw a tantrum and now Dr Pepper is teasing Guns N' Roses? At this rate Panda Pops will have made one of Scouting For Girls cry by sundown. Please let's not allow this atrocity to happen. Not on our watch.

Read more: 

Dr Pepper issues challenge to Guns N' Roses - Reuters