China - HecklerSpray

Christian Bale Stops Disgusting Tramps From Their Stinky Fighting

January 20th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Christian Bale is like a real life Batman, by which we mean, he’s a very wealthy man who can’t stop meddling in people’s business. First, he got bothered by some Chinese security while trying to visit some deaf bloke or something… and now, he’s mucking about with vagrants!

See, two tramps started having a scrap and Bale wasn’t having any of it!

Over Christmas (yeah, this is hot off the press!), the Batman star stepped in to break up a fight between two horrible pungent homeless men in California. Was he doing it for the good of those fighting? OF COURSE NOT.

Chinese Pirates To Bring Steve Jobs Back From The Dead

January 4th, 2012 By Kris Silver

Guess what tech fans! Those Chinese tinkerers have made another copy of an Apple trademark that's bound to cause a stir, if not entirely offend fanboys and turtle neck wearers everywhere.

Having already found success with the SciPhone and a full sized replica Apple store, those crown princes of piracy, the Chinese, have now created THE ULTIMATE ACTION FIGURE, in the form of Apple founder Steve Jobs.

Steve Jobs. ACTION figure. ACTION? Steve Jobs?

Christian Bale Attacked By Chinese Government Goons… Well You Would Wouldn’t You?

December 16th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

What could be better than repeatedly smacking an A List celebrity about the head? It must be a great laugh! And that’s exactly what Chinese government-back guards did to Christian Bale when they saw his famous bonce.

They clearly couldn’t refuse the opportunity to beat Batman up. You can’t blame them really, can you?

Of course, the goons didn’t catch a bus to Bale’s house, especially to clobber him, rather, Bale was trying to visit a blind lawyer. Can’t get a decent lawyer in Hollywood Christian? What? This is some human rights issue or something?

Creased Or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You The Way It Is

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Wanking Hard or Hardly Wanking?

Folded

The Spaghetti Western Orchestra – You have until 8.49pm BST to watch this wonderfully weird Proms performance. Do it.
Hitchcock’s Cameos – In the first of too many Tumblr posts in this week’s ‘Creased or Folded?’, here’s some of Hitchcock’s cameos. He’s the Jon Favreau of the Golden Age.
Photographs of China – Twitter’s very own @herrschweers lives in China and is keeping an ace photo-journal of his experiences.
Film Noir – Get into Empire’s guide to becoming an expert in just ten films.

Awesome or Off-Putting: Ghost City Floating Over A River

July 4th, 2011 By Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

A college professor once told me that if China hadn’t had that one-child rule, America would be a Chinese speaking nation. His thought behind the statement was that one billion people having lots of babies couldn’t help but burst a nations flimsy borders. And where is the coolest place to immigrate? Well, anywhere first world really, but at the time he was thinking of the US.

I would like to take the time to tell that professor he was wrong – probably because he didn’t take all of China’s floating ghost cities into account. You can build one on the cheap – and they’d probably house as many babies as you could float into them.

Jackie Chan Survives Death To Make More Awful Films

March 31st, 2011 By Kris Silver

Martial arts legend and screen icon Jackie Chan survived his own death yesterday, proving once again that he is definitely much harder than Ross Kemp.

But that really isn't saying much.

Jackie Chan became a top trending topic on Twitter worldwide after rumours of his death began to circulate on the micro messaging site. Now, far be it from us to criticise the users of Twitter, but how stupid do you have to be to rely on it as your primary source of news about celebrity deaths?

China Bans Avatar, Chinese Stoners Devastated

January 20th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Some say that Avatar will soon become the most popular movie of all time – but not if China has its way.

To China, Avatar is a threat. Chinese authorities have grown displeased at the central message of Avatar – which is either ‘the white man will save you, primitive savages’ or ‘all white men are evil’ or ‘nature is beautiful’ or ‘it’s fun to spiritually connect with horses by shoving your hair up their bum’ – and have started to ban it from cinemas.

But it’s too late. Avatar‘s cultural revolution will not be stopped. Now, switched on by Avatar, millions of Chinese people are furious that their government is standing in the way of their God-given right to watch 3D films that are too long and based on hacky Hallmark-style sentiments about woolly, ill-defined spiritualism. And this is how Communism ends.

China To Guns N’ Roses: ‘Hey, Wait A Minute…’

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

$Guns N\' Roses Chinese Democracy China Government angry Axl Rose$ You know Chinese Democracy? The just-released album by Guns N’ Roses that was titled to deliberately upset the Chinese government?

Well, you’ll never guess what it’s just done. A newspaper published by the Chinese government’s ruling Communist Party has got upset with the title Chinese Democracy, and accused Guns N’ Roses of ‘turning its spearpoint’ on China.

Not that the Chinese government has any real reason to worry about Guns N’ Roses’ spear – based on historical evidence we’d say that Axl Rose is going to spend the next 15 years polishing the spear to within an inch of its life, then get Shaquille O’Neal to do a rap about the spear, then build everybody’s expectations of the spear to the extent that it’ll be a horrible letdown to anyone who actually sees the spear. And then instead of stabbing anyone with it, he’ll just go and have a wank anyway.

Over 1,000 Chinese Folk To Sue Sharon Stone For A Literal Billion Dollars

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

It wasn’t so long ago that Sharon Stone offended all of China by saying each and everyone of them looked delicious, or something, and would no doubt be scrumptious when mashed down into a cracker-topping paste.

She then drew up blueprints for a restaurant that would use this as its niche. We told her this was a foolish concept, as nobody would come to a restaurant that only served crackers with mashed Chinamen on them. She said we misunderstood, and that she would use a wide variety of crackers to offer her patrons several palatable options.

And that was the line she used to sell us 20% of her stock. If all goes well, we’ll be able to retire several months ahead of schedule. We actually can’t remember if any of that was true or not. What is true though is that 1,000 Chinese people are on the verge of sueing Stone for one billion dollars worth of stir fried beef and broccoli for her ‘Karma’ comment a while back.

Or did they just want a billion in cold, hard cash? We’re pretty sure it was the latter.

Dalai Lama Distances Himself from Sharon Stone, World Desperately Envious

March 24th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

That Dalai Lama and Robert Smith are a lot alike. More alike than you probably appreciate.

The Dalai Lama and Robert Smith both have their own websites, both find an umbrella necessary during monsoon season, both say “let’s go to bed” when they’re sleepy, and both of them are distancing themselves from Sharon Stone.

So, the Sharon Stone thing might be true for the Dalai Lama, but we’d wager Robert Smith would do the same, given the chance.

We’d all do the same, given the chance.