We might have confused some of you hip modern readers with the above headline. What the gubbins is this book thing we’re talking about? You may have heard about one of these strange objects but aren’t these strange creations just items that appear in museums and old fashioned buildings known as libraries?

These days, traditional print media is being replaced by glass and electronics courtesy of iPads and Kindles. All this basically means, is that, if posh people get in to fights, they can glass someone with an educational device.

However, in the olden days, Enid Blyton wrote things that ended up on ‘paper’. And she was rather successful. She was one of the most famous children’s storytellers who ever lived and she’s estimated to have sold around 500 million books around the world. A new work entitled Mr Tumpy’s Caravan might provide a moment of nostalgia for those who read her works when growing up.

Blyton basically wrote short stories or children’s novels. Or, mystery detectives or tales of fantasy bollocks. Looking back at her work, especially the books from the Famous Five series, they’d probably be banned today under hyper sensitive political correctness.

Every holiday, a gang of happy go lucky children would visit their Aunt Fannies house and foil smugglers, kidnappers and Michael Jackson types.

However one character in particular called Georgina went in to constant strops because she wanted to boy. Not just dressing as a male, but to be known as someone called George. These days we assume that authors encouraging children to indulge in cross dressing or contemplating a sex change wouldn’t go down well.

So what’s Mr Trumpy’s Crappyvan all about?

“Mr Tumpy’s Caravan follows the adventures of a caravan with feet and a mind of its own. Together with Mr Tumpy, his friends and a dog called Bun-Dorg, it crosses an ocean before facing a dog-headed dragon in an attempt to save a princess’s land. It was initially believed to have been a version of a picture book called Mr Tumpy and His Caravan, compiled using comic strips published in the London Evening Standard in the 1940s.”

However, there is still that problem of encouraging children to read. If the slightly weird sounding book was to be published, it wouldn’t make much sense to a modern audience.

These days, the most reading children do is how to fire the mega attack death kill stun electric ray gun in the instruction guide in their latest PS3 game where they have to destroy zombie lackeys on their way to the office of the undead.

A mash-up for TV then?

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Hecklerspray tried writing a book for children once.

It didn't get that far. Apparently – according to those 'publisher'-types – children just aren't interested in post-New Labour reinterpretations of Milton Friedman's economic theorising. Apparently that's all a bit 'complex' for them, and we'd be much better off with some predictable tract about a cat looking for a balloon. Christ almighty – no wonder they're all so stupid, the pram-dwelling little bastards.

God bless those celebrities, then, eh? God bless 'em. Better than us mere mortals in every way, they've decided to show us how it's done.

52 famous public figures are getting together to pen a children's book for the NSPCC. Once Upon A Time will see each celebrity scribbling out ten lines of the story, with possibly only a couple of them getting detention for writing 'and then he did a big poo' or 'and then his willy got trapped' or something. Russell Brand, we're looking at you. We've seen your routine – that's kind of about the level you work at, isn't it?

The story will be started by former Blur guitarist Alex James, most recently seen embarrassing himself to bits on a particularly cringeworthy Question Time ('politics is, like, well complex and stuff, y'know?'), and currently spending most his time carving out a niche as a Last Of The Summer Wine extra. Terrifyingly, the inspiration for the story is said to emerge from Blur hit Country House – a proposition roughly as disturbing as a movie based on Hey Dude by Kula Shaker. 

James's story revolves around: 

'… a big house in the country, inhabited by a wealthy Duke. But in typical fairy-tale style, the house is something of a fantastical creation and has cellars full of wheels of the finest cheese – possibly inspired by Little Wallop, the cheese produced by the Indie musician on his farm in the Cotswolds.'

Even more bewildering than that? Try this: 

'James' contribution ends with the arrival of four children at the very big house – an influence from one of his favourite childhood authors, Enid Blyton. But it is up to Radio One's Sara Cox to decide their fate.'

Presumably their fate involves having to sit through a godawful Breakfast Radio Show, gnashing their tiny teeth as they struggle to cope with a flow of mediocre indie records and the wittering of a public-school-educated daddy's girl trying to sound like Nora Batty (two Last Of The Summer Wine references in one article? Jumping Jesus, we're on top form today).

Other celebs taking part in the storython include KT Tunstall, Linford Christie and fashion designer Henry Holland (nope, us neither). Rumours as to whether Tunstall's contribution will be as exciting as her music – i.e on a similar level as watching an old lady make her way to the Post Office – have yet to be confirmed.

Do keep an eye out for Wayne Rooney's section, though. It's quite interesting – he's opted to simply draw a nice big picture of a smiley Sun in a big blue sky. Almost as though he was having trouble with the words or something.

Can't think why that would be.

Read More:

Celebs Pen Children's Charity Book – DailySnack