Articles tagged with: Children
Britney Spears’ Children All Swear Like Ruddy Dockers
Judging by that documentary of her crying for an hour, Britney Spears' promotion of Circus hasn't got off to a particularly great start. And that calls for a change of tack. Rather than bleating on about how relentlessly misery-filled her life is all the time, Britney Spears chose her second-biggest promotional tool - an interview with Rolling Stone - to discuss the positive things in her life. Like her infant children, for example, and how they, um, can't stop blurting out inappropriate swearwords all the time. Needless to say, Britney Spears blames all this sudden effing and jeffing on the fact that the kids have been primarily raised by Kevin Federline. But Britney needs to look on the bright side here - at least they're using words to communicate. That's far more sophisticated than the system of hoots, grunts, roars and crude caveman gestures that Kevin Federline uses himself.
Judging by that documentary of her crying for an hour, Britney Spears' promotion of Circus hasn't got off to a particularly great start. And that calls for a change of tack. Rather than bleating on about how relentlessly misery-filled her life is all the time, Britney Spears chose her second-biggest promotional tool - an interview with Rolling Stone - to discuss the positive things in her life. Like her infant children, for example, and how they, um, can't stop blurting out inappropriate swearwords all the time. Needless to say, Britney Spears blames all this sudden effing and jeffing on the fact that the kids have been primarily raised by Kevin Federline. But Britney needs to look on the bright side here - at least they're using words to communicate. That's far more sophisticated than the system of hoots, grunts, roars and crude caveman gestures that Kevin Federline uses himself.
Has Angelina Jolie Ever Told You That Her Kids Love Kung Fu Panda?
As a mother, Angelina Jolie knows what's important for a child - a gormless name and a forced appreciation of her films, mainly. Well, OK, not all of her films. Not yet, anyway - although we do hear that Angelina Jolie plans to use her love scene with Antonio Banderas from Original Sin as a sexually-confusing substitute for her childrens' birds and bees talk - just Kung Fu Panda. To promote the DVD release of Kung Fu Panda, Angelina Jolie has once again decided to mine the limitless marketing resource that is her children, telling anyone who'll listen that they just love the movie. Luckily for Angelina Jolie, she didn't try this trick with A Mighty Heart - apparently Pax Thien found it 'ponderous', with Shiloh Nouvel dubbing it 'transparent award-bait at best'.
As a mother, Angelina Jolie knows what's important for a child - a gormless name and a forced appreciation of her films, mainly. Well, OK, not all of her films. Not yet, anyway - although we do hear that Angelina Jolie plans to use her love scene with Antonio Banderas from Original Sin as a sexually-confusing substitute for her childrens' birds and bees talk - just Kung Fu Panda. To promote the DVD release of Kung Fu Panda, Angelina Jolie has once again decided to mine the limitless marketing resource that is her children, telling anyone who'll listen that they just love the movie. Luckily for Angelina Jolie, she didn't try this trick with A Mighty Heart - apparently Pax Thien found it 'ponderous', with Shiloh Nouvel dubbing it 'transparent award-bait at best'.
Magazine: The Last of Jennifer Aniston’s Eggs To Chemically Spring Forth All At Once
If you're a woman and the last of your eggs is about to dry up, what you want to do is moisten it really quick with either mayonnaise or sperm. Both of those are said to be excellent egg moisturisers, and are pretty much equally inexpensive. If you end up going the mayonnaise route, be warned - in nine months time you could poop out a fully made five-dollar foot-long. We hear this is only painful when its on French bread. And if you go the sperm route, well, that has consequences too - like having to see John Mayer every other weekend, on some holidays and once in a while at a parent-teacher conference. You don't want that, do you? Well according to Star Magazine Jennifer Aniston does. They say she's on fertility drugs in heavy anticipation of receiving his seed.
If you're a woman and the last of your eggs is about to dry up, what you want to do is moisten it really quick with either mayonnaise or sperm. Both of those are said to be excellent egg moisturisers, and are pretty much equally inexpensive. If you end up going the mayonnaise route, be warned - in nine months time you could poop out a fully made five-dollar foot-long. We hear this is only painful when its on French bread. And if you go the sperm route, well, that has consequences too - like having to see John Mayer every other weekend, on some holidays and once in a while at a parent-teacher conference. You don't want that, do you? Well according to Star Magazine Jennifer Aniston does. They say she's on fertility drugs in heavy anticipation of receiving his seed.
Angelina Jolie Will Marry Brad Pitt Just To Shut The Kids Up
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's attitude to marriage is simple - only gay marriage or Jennifer Aniston being really narked off will allow it. Or at least that's what we thought. Now, as part of her confusing 'go against everything she's ever said, done or thought' promotion for The Changeling, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she will inevitably get married to Brad Pitt, but only to stop her children from pestering them for a wedding. It just goes to show how persuasive a small army of multinational children can be. If they can make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married, just think what else the Jolie-Pitt kids could achieve if they harnessed their pester power properly. They could even aim for the impossible. You know what we mean - if they all work in unison, they could convince Angelina Jolie to make a film that doesn't stink like a corpseful of turds for once.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's attitude to marriage is simple - only gay marriage or Jennifer Aniston being really narked off will allow it. Or at least that's what we thought. Now, as part of her confusing 'go against everything she's ever said, done or thought' promotion for The Changeling, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she will inevitably get married to Brad Pitt, but only to stop her children from pestering them for a wedding. It just goes to show how persuasive a small army of multinational children can be. If they can make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married, just think what else the Jolie-Pitt kids could achieve if they harnessed their pester power properly. They could even aim for the impossible. You know what we mean - if they all work in unison, they could convince Angelina Jolie to make a film that doesn't stink like a corpseful of turds for once.
Angelina Jolie Demands More Children! Immediately!
Angelina Jolie already has enough kids for a fair-to-middling laser tag team, but that's hardly enough - look, you know what's coming. Despite have six of the little sods running around already, Angelina Jolie has decided that she's going to go on the hunt for more. During an interview on the Today show, Angelina Jolie was asked if she's going to adopt any more children, and she responded by nodding like a wizened old bearded monk who lives on top of a mountain. Adopting a seventh child is all well and good, but Angelina Jolie has obviously forgotten one important point - having already adopted children from Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam, the most impoverished place left to her is the Isle Of Wight. And, urgh, who'd want a baby from the Isle Of Wight?
Angelina Jolie already has enough kids for a fair-to-middling laser tag team, but that's hardly enough - look, you know what's coming. Despite have six of the little sods running around already, Angelina Jolie has decided that she's going to go on the hunt for more. During an interview on the Today show, Angelina Jolie was asked if she's going to adopt any more children, and she responded by nodding like a wizened old bearded monk who lives on top of a mountain. Adopting a seventh child is all well and good, but Angelina Jolie has obviously forgotten one important point - having already adopted children from Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam, the most impoverished place left to her is the Isle Of Wight. And, urgh, who'd want a baby from the Isle Of Wight?
Christie Brinkley & Peter Cook: No, They Still Haven’t Shut Up
Despite all the endless boneheaded kerfuffle over it, Peter Cook's big 20/20 interview about Christie Brinkley hasn't actually been broadcast yet. The interview is to be broadcast tonight - a fact which has got Christie Brinkley into a flap. Christie Brinkley has tried to take a restraining order out against Peter Cook because he's due to have their children this weekend, and she's worried that he'll spend that entire weekend showing them his interview. But a judge has rejected the restraining order, partly because Peter Cook plans to take the children on a trip this weekend. But what Christie Brinkley doesn't know is that the trip is to the television department of an electrical goods store, where the children will see their father explaining what a cold-hearted witch their mother is on 50 giant HDTV screens at once, and all in crystal-clear surround sound. Eat that, Uptown Girl!
Despite all the endless boneheaded kerfuffle over it, Peter Cook's big 20/20 interview about Christie Brinkley hasn't actually been broadcast yet. The interview is to be broadcast tonight - a fact which has got Christie Brinkley into a flap. Christie Brinkley has tried to take a restraining order out against Peter Cook because he's due to have their children this weekend, and she's worried that he'll spend that entire weekend showing them his interview. But a judge has rejected the restraining order, partly because Peter Cook plans to take the children on a trip this weekend. But what Christie Brinkley doesn't know is that the trip is to the television department of an electrical goods store, where the children will see their father explaining what a cold-hearted witch their mother is on 50 giant HDTV screens at once, and all in crystal-clear surround sound. Eat that, Uptown Girl!
Brace Yourself, World: Paris Hilton Wants Babies
The Simple Life all but proved that Paris Hilton will be a bad mother - she can't even photocopy, so what's stopping her from dropping a baby down the toilet? However, little things like common sense and concern for the future of humanity don't matter to Paris Hilton, which is why she's told People that she's desperate to have children. Don't be too alarmed by Paris Hilton's claims, though - if she does have a baby it'll be an interesting genetic experiment - in four short generations the Hilton family has gone from billionaire hotel chain founder to Paris Hilton, so if our charts are right the fifth generation will mostly resemble the mutant teleported dog from the beginning of The Fly 2.
The Simple Life all but proved that Paris Hilton will be a bad mother - she can't even photocopy, so what's stopping her from dropping a baby down the toilet? However, little things like common sense and concern for the future of humanity don't matter to Paris Hilton, which is why she's told People that she's desperate to have children. Don't be too alarmed by Paris Hilton's claims, though - if she does have a baby it'll be an interesting genetic experiment - in four short generations the Hilton family has gone from billionaire hotel chain founder to Paris Hilton, so if our charts are right the fifth generation will mostly resemble the mutant teleported dog from the beginning of The Fly 2.
Stop Everything Now: Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Return To USA
Hey, everyone! Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have arrived in America for the first time since the birth of their twins! This is very important news, and we'll tell you why soon. Anyway, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie arrived in New York for the first time since the birth of their last children so that Angelina can promote her new movie The Changeling. We said we'd tell you why it was so important that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were returning to America, didn't we? Well, alright, we will - it's important because, um, well, Brad Pitt is, um... and Angelina sort of... no. We've got nothing. Literally nothing. Maybe they left the gas on or something. We genuinely couldn't care less.
Hey, everyone! Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have arrived in America for the first time since the birth of their twins! This is very important news, and we'll tell you why soon. Anyway, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie arrived in New York for the first time since the birth of their last children so that Angelina can promote her new movie The Changeling. We said we'd tell you why it was so important that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were returning to America, didn't we? Well, alright, we will - it's important because, um, well, Brad Pitt is, um... and Angelina sort of... no. We've got nothing. Literally nothing. Maybe they left the gas on or something. We genuinely couldn't care less.
