Children - HecklerSpray

Sir Elton John Is Pregnant

March 29th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Amazing news! Sir Elton John is planning to have another baby, apparently! That’s right, the bitch is back and he’s pregnant with his second child. Of course, his partner?David Furnish has had something to do with it.

When Elton gives birth, it’ll be a delightful sibling for 14-month-old son Zachary.

We do worry about Elton John’s wee-way though. How does one go about squeezing a child out of your little wang? With him being a celebrity, he’ll probably have a C-section won’t he? How terribly fashionable.

Angelina Jolie’s Son Spotted Dancing On Street As He Bids To Get Noticed Over His 3000 Siblings

March 12th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

As well you know, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have around 3,000 children thanks to their penchant for plundering impoverished countries and adopting like they’re Joseph Kony or something.?

Of course, Brangelina don’t make their children fight or anything like that, but there’s clearly a problem with having such a large brood.

One of the children,?Pax Jolie-Pitt (no, us neither) was most animated this weekend when the family went out to eat the mysterious meal called ‘brunch’ in the French Quarter of New Orleans.

Heidi Klum Lives Inside A Tornado (Nice And Airy Then?)

March 9th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Supermodel Heidi Klum used to have it all. A moderately well-know singing husband named after a greasy bewhiskered mammal, legs that did the right thing down a catwalk and great Halloween costumes.

However, since her split with Seal, she’s done something really stupid.

She’s moved out of a presumably nice house in some sunny climate and, for some reason, decided to live inside a tornado instead. She’s clearly lost her mind.

Katy Perry Lambasts Her Selfish Christian Parents While Talking About Split With Russell Brand

January 9th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Christians eh? They never say the right thing do they? That’s probably because they seek advice from a made-up God. You may as well ask Sooty to whisper wisdom in your ear or seek teachings from the sound of a conch shell.

And two Christians – notably the ones that gave birth to Katy Perry – have irritated their famous daughter by saying that her split with Russell Brand ain’t all bad because, as a result, there’s been increased interest in their missionary.

How delightful. Of course, the outspoken Katy isn’t having that and has tweeted a missive against them, or so it seems. It’s okay though. She can say what she wants. That’s because Christians are contractually obliged to forgive everyone, no matter what.

Did Russell Brand Quit Katy Perry Because Of Her Having An Affair With Rihanna?

January 4th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

When an ex-serial sex pest and constantly touring pop star get married, you can be assured that everything will end happily ever after, can't you? With constant media coverage covering their every move like they're some sort of wild animal, what could go wrong for Katy Perry and Russell Brand?

You have to question the actions of a couple who haven't been together long since their Hindu ceremony just over a year ago. Not because we have anything against a religion that prays to elephants, but Katy Perry?s parents are devout Christians. So you'd at least think that her folks would want God to give the thumbs up over Ganesha.

As of yet, there have been no reasons given as to why the marriage collapsed. But before anyone suggests that the two simply drifted apart, wild theories are already being thrown around. Of course, we're inclined to believe them, so imagine our surprise that Rihanna?s name has been named as one of the rotters who messed everything up.

Singing Intruder Lets Coldplay’s Chris Martin Know What It Feels Like For The Rest Of Us

December 29th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You know what it’s like. You’re minding your own business, doing absolutely nothing wrong and then, KAPOW! Some awful Coldplay song barges into your subconscious while being used as an aspirational bit on some dreary television show.

It simply isn’t fair.

However, thanks to a singing intruder (there clearly should be more ‘singing intruders’… it needs to be a ‘thing’), Chris Martin now knows exactly what it is like for the rest of us poor, innocent, ear-having plebians.

Everyone Now Quite Desperate For Katy Perry And Russell Brand To Split

December 29th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! Did you hear about Russell Brand and Katy Perry spending Christmas away from each other? They haven’t been married very long have they? You’d think they’d want to spend the festives (aka Some Time Off Work) together, right?

Well, aside from the myriad of perfectly legitimate reasons why this happened, they’re quite obviously splitting up.

Why? Because that’s what everyone wants. Basically, they’ve got the temerity to appear rather fond of each other. Mercifully, there’s a source on-hand to tell us all otherwise, which is incredibly convenient.

Angelina Jolie Will Cry If Kids Become Normal, Like Your Boring, Settled Children

December 21st, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

Wannabe Funeral Director and collector of used plasters Angelina Jolie, ?has revealed that she dreads the day one of her 87 children asks to be excused from the family’s global travels, insisting she will break down in tears when it happens.

It seems Jolie and husband Brad Pitt, pride themselves on their nomadic lifestyle, settling for a few weeks at a time wherever their work takes them.

What’s that we hear you crying stupidly loudly? CHILDREN NEED ROUTINE! A STABLE ENVIRONMENT AND?CONSISTENCY! What the hell do you know?

Katy Perry Isn’t Pregnant Because She’s Not Actually Sexually Attracted To Russell Brand

November 22nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

When celebrities get married, everyone turns into meddling grandmas, demanding offspring because our lives are so hopelessly empty that we need that brief moment of alleviating joy, lived vicariously through someone else.

Christ knows no-one wants to actually have sex with us, let alone have our children, right?

And the latest couple getting their groins shoved toward each other are Katy Perry and Russell Brand. They basically look like they’re having far too much fun as a couple and, as such, we must make them mature into parents… indeed, we must halt their leisure time immediately with shitty nappies, sleepless nights and silent seething.

You Know What You Want? Crotchless Knickers For Children, That’s What!

November 15th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

We’ve read twitter. We know what you bastards want. You want outrage. A constant, trickling source of things to get angry about. You love it when people are sexist, racist or pick on the poor don’t you?

Course you do.

But what about the children? Won’t someone think of the kiddies? Well, someone has and they’ve designed some crotchless knickers for them! How about that? And yes, there’s a video over the jump displaying them.