CONGRATULATIONS HUGH GRANT. You have had a baby. Is it with a prostitute? We don’t know! But the answer is definitely, irrefutably, unequivocally, probably.

‘Hugh Grant’s publicist’ (HAHAHA) revealed the news, yesterday insisting that honestly:

“He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not  be happier or more supportive. He and the mother have discussed everything and are on very friendly terms.”

Because honesty really, really is by some considered to be something of a policy.

Oh, and for those who prefer their Hugh Grant news in a safer sounding, slightly witty, and altogether more endearing way, as always, here’s the Richard Curtis version of the same official statement.

“Blimey!”

That’s right. Hugh, who is 280 years old, has done a ‘Hugh Grant’ (that’s a bit of a Hugh Grant humour for you there) and become a father for the very first time to an accidental infant girl. Christ, some people have all the 1999 Kids Choice Favourite Movie Couple Blimp Awards luck, don’t they?

No word yet from Hugh on whether or not he gives a toss about this yet. Does he even know? Does Hugh Grant look like the kind of gent who reads the ‘PS’ section of emails? Not with haphazard, free-falling locks like those, that’s for sure.

As you may imagine, we’re head over heels for Hugh, and of course the glowing, irrelevant, and forever anonymous mother, and wish to send a special hecklerspray congratulations to the happy couple.

But wait! What will this little bundle of joy (but more importantly: RESPONSIBILITY) do to Hugh’s saucy, libidinous, constantly-happening-all-the-time sex life, we hear you cry?

What’s that, you say?

Go on. Don’t be shy.

‘Hugh Grant never met a vagina he didn’t like?‘

Guys. That is sick.

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Kids do the sweetest things don’t they? They vomit over their food, which they continue to eat; they poo in their pants; they waddle around like little drunks forming crystallised snot moustaches while demanding every single second of your increasingly worthless time.

All together now – AAAAWWWWWWW

However, some parents aren’t sated with such activities. They want to push their children into becoming performing monkeys so they can look at the other, blissfully stupid children running around with glorious abandon and think “Gah. My kid will be famous while these idiots will still be in short pants.” And we’ve got one here… and Jesus, Joseph and Mary, she’s a little precocious horror. That’s right, she’s singing Nicki Minaj’s ‘Super Bass’ with the raps and gyrating moves.

The little girl in question goes by the name of Sophia Grace Brownlee and she’s like an entire series of Mini Pops crammed into one tiny human.

She’s got her little friend along to rap and writhe while she delivers a breathless version of ‘Super Bass’, which of course, includes lines like; “When he come up in the club, he be blazin’ up” as well as; “He cold, he dope, he might sell coke.”

Our favourite line for a mother to encourage her child to sing is:

“He just gotta give me that look, when he give me that look, then the panties comin’ off, off, uh”

And speaking of mother, while you watch this so-toe-curling-you’ll-end-up-with-a-club-foot video, keep an eye out for her in the mirror at the top of the shot, giving hand instructions and such.

Holy cow.

Pushy parents. Who needs ‘em? Especially when they breed and nurture wailing horrorbags like this. Just wait ’til Mumsnet get a load of it. They’ll piss great arcs of anger until the whole internet drowns in their fury.

Anyway, here’s the video.

Prepare for nausea.

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Britain’s Got Talent, the nation’s premier talent contest attracts thousands of willing participants each year. From dancing dogs to fire-eaters, gymnasts to geriatrics, the show has everything people could possibly want on a Saturday evening. That is, apart from three judges with any discernable talent.

Much has been made of BGT judge Michael McIntyre’s innate ability to point out things that are usually seen as too mundane to mention while dancing around the stage like a human spinning-top, pepped up on a cocktail of cocaine and speed. This seemed, to Simon Cowell at least, enough talent to secure him a place on the judging panel. However, it seems that he’s too nice to keep it.

What of David Hasselhoff? He’s big in Germany for his warbling singing voice, while he is best-known in this country for playing the role of the drunk, strung-out father in 80s’ TV classic Knight Rider. What will become of him and his perma-tan?

While the future of these two pantheons of talent hang in the balance, former Les Dennis cock-botherer Amanda Holden has come up with a plan to distract Simon Cowell from her obvious lack of any real showbiz credentials. This is, of course, the woman who was almost mistakenly cut down during filming of Wild At Heart, during a campaign of deforestation near the set. She needed some kind of Plan B (not the ‘soul saviour’).

According to reports, the swollen-bellied arbiter of taste and ability is planning to sweeten the deal with talent show supremo Simon Cowell by making him her baby’s Godfather. Presumably the offer of her first-born didn’t appeal to Cowell as much as the opportunity to mould a completely fresh child in his demonic, self-appreciating image.

The spawn is set to be unleashed early next year, around the time of the first Britain’s Got Talent auditions, and Holden doesn’t want to miss out. She even seems willing to give over some control of her family life to a man with one of the most evil minds in the world. Cowell is said to be thinking of using the child as a round in Red or Black, his quite preposterous new challenge show in which members of the public have a chance to win their dignity back in front of millions, before having the opportunity snatched away, only to be spat on by Ant McPartlin.

Speaking to some Red-Top purveyor of molly-coddled twattery, the woman, so often mistaken for a sapling, stated:

“Simon is the ultimate godfather. I’m going to make Simon godfather so I don’t get the sack from Britain’s Got Talent.”

That’s a nice thought, isn’t it? In order to advance your career, you’d sign your child over to Syco.

“I’ve been told my seat is safe but the dates may clash. But we’ll work something out. I’ve been told by all the right people I’m safe.”

“All the right people” have let out massive pantomime ‘Awwww’ in near-perfect unison. The notion that Amanda may be so predisposed jettisoning a child from her reproductive organs that she might miss out on the opportunity to judge a ‘street dance’ troupe while sitting next to a recovering alcoholic and a child-like comedian, awestruck by the wonder and glory of everything he sees, fills them with sorrow. It’s a real tragedy.

Still, priorities, eh?

So, Halle Berry has been accused by some of being a dirty racist for believing in the ‘one drop theory’, while her ex, Gabriel Aubrey has also been accused of being a racist because he wants everyone to say his daughter is white.

Personally, we don’t care what colour it is. We just want it to grow up into a nutter like Nicole Richie or Lindsay Lohan. Rich kids always end up jerks, right? Even the ones who make amazing pop records like ‘Whip My Hair’. Willow Smith – destined to be a dead-eyed narc fiend or cult leader.

Anyway, we’re talking about Halle Berry. Apparently, her and Aubrey (who sounds like a ’30s country singer) are still at loggerheads, acting like children (possibly vaguely racist children if you believe they’re that sort of thing) and… well… this is just about the most interesting thing Berry has ever done. Ever.

This slow-burning, almost eye-crusting squabble continues to plod along like filling forms out in triplicate. It’s like watching the biopic of a human resources department.

And you expect us to make jokes!

Anyway, Halle Berry’s baby pappy went all stupid according to reports, leaving Halle no choice but to start waving legal shit around and wagging her finger while slightly screwing her face up in an attempt to emote.

Aubry told Halle, in the most grown-up way he could muster (aka akin to soiling himself and threatening to cry really loudly) that he would not let her take Nahla to New York to shoot a movie. Halle, being wealthy, said she’d put Gabe in a swanky hotel if he just stopped whining like a little gitbox.

A week in a fancy hotel with his precious, puking baby? Of course, he said no. Then threw all of Nahla’s toys out of the pram.

Apparently, Gabriel (currently signing-on) said:

“Why do I have to follow her? She can leave Nahla here.”

A Los Angeles County Superior Court said words to the effect of, “Honestly. This is so tiresome that my nostrils are healing over. Halle. Just take your stupid kid with you, alright?”

Everyone presumably muttered under their breath ‘surely Gabriel knew what he was getting into when he ejaculated up a successful actress’. Oh, and being spiteful isn’t a very attractive look. We know better than most.

Tune in next week when Gabriel Aubrey refuses to eat his sprouts and Halle Berry tries to buy him a Playstation to stop him from kicking his little legs in a tantrum.

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Halle Berry’s custody case is one of the most boring stories to hit the headlines, ever. Much like her career actually. And so, to liven the whole thing up, Kim Kardashian’s name is being thrown around for absolutely no reason at all.

That’s how low this story has sunk.

With accusations of racisms blowing around about Halle’s ex, Gabriel Aubrey, the whole sorry scenario has got people wringing their hands and worrying about the poor, poor child involved. Waa waa. Worse still is that this child is being thought of a completely forgettable by celebrity no-mark, Kardashian. Seriously.

Apparently, Halle Berry is very irritated by the notion that her ex, Aubry, might be dating Kardashian. It would seem that Kardashian is equally irritated by this notion.

Not that Halle Berry isn’t being anything other than mature and grown-up about the whole thing, especially when she’s ignoring Kardashian repeatedly at various Hollywood events. Berry, who may well be going nutso, doesn’t want Kardashian anywhere near her child, Nahla.

Alas, Kardashian wouldn’t know Halle’s child if someone stapled it to her forehead while shouting ‘THIS IS HALLE BERRY’S DAUGHTER, OKAY?’ at the celebutante.

A source said:

“Since Kim only saw the little girl once or twice… she wouldn’t even recognise Nahla if she saw her somewhere without either Gabriel or Halle with her.”

Get that Berry? Your daughter is immensely forgettable. A few parents could learn something from this when assuming the rest of the world gives even the vaguest of fucks about their future disappointment.

On top of all this, Kardashian is saying that she’s stepping out with some bloke called Kris Humphries, who must be thrilled at all this nonsense.

Sadly for Aubrey, he’s being made out to be some kind of racist monster.

Sources told TMZ:

“Whenever Gabriel would read a story about Nahla that referred to her as ‘Black,’ he would go off, insisting his baby was white. We’re told Gabriel would tell Halle and others they should demand a ‘retraction’ when such references were made regarding his daughter.”

If Aubrey was a massive racist, you have to wonder why he’d have a baby with Halle Berry (in fairness, she’s pretty white, but y’know, she’s totally black).

Anyway, we’re going to start wringing our hands and sing ‘Save The Children’ by Marvin Gaye so it looks like we give a shit.

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Yesterday, we talked about what a gigantic spoilsport Halle Berry is. She selfishly decided to act like an adult and not air her filthy linen in public, leaving us to guess why she was worried about the safety of her daughter when with her ex-bloke, Gabriel Aubry.

Well, no thanks to Halle, but rather, a load of scurrilous rumours and hearsay, it seems we have an answer!

Yessireebob, people are pointing at Gabriel Aubrey and muttering “great big dirty racist git” under their breath.

Allegedly, Aubrey dropped the N-Bomb on Halle (a claim we expect Aubrey will eventually deny in public) and repeatedly demeaned her with other vulgarities. As an aside, ‘vulgarity’ is a great word isn’t it?

Basically, it seems that Gabe went a bit ‘Mel Gibson’ and like throwing around racist words as well as niceties like “fucking bitch” and “you’re films are consistently not very good and in fact, I find them rather derivative.” See if you can spot which one we made up.

Sadly, it is very difficult to prove that someone said something horrible to someone, but luckily for Gabriel, he did it by text message as well. So damning evidence may well be sat on Berry’s phone, gleefully waiting for some judge to have a look at it.

She’ll have to delete any saucy pictures she may have taken of herself though (anyone with a mobile phone does that, right?)

Worse still for Aubrey is that an ex-girlfriend of his has waddled out into the open, spouting off about what a nasty shit he is. The woman in question dated him for a couple of years and noted that he was…

“very disrespectful to women”

Quite how he pulled one of the most lusted-after women in Hollywood is beyond us. He must have a very, very impressive penis or something. The lady also backed-up this racist thing, saying:

“Gabriel has always been a borderline racist.”

However, he isn’t a complete monster. This ex of his would like to point out that, while she considers him to be a potty-mouthed bigot, he wasn’t one for throwing a slap across a room. Basically, she’s saying that Gabriel never once laid a hand on her during their relationship.

If this turns out to be true, we can only thank Hollywood for breeding these racist sorts, just so we can write about them constantly and sneer at any misfortune that comes their way.

No. Don’t tell us about the eventuality that he might be completely innocent and shit like this might actually stick and tarnish a nice man’s reputation.

No. Not listening.

*sticks fingers in ears*

Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner lalalalalalalala ner dum dum dum LA LA LA LA NOT LISTENING…

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Halle Berry is a well fancied woman. That’s because she looks like a white man designed her, ironing out all the blackness out of her, save only her tone. And she’s really boring. She’s such a crashing bore that sometimes, we prefer conducting conversations with the dead flies on our windowsill.

And so, with a rare moment of drama in her life, we find our Halle having a fight with her ex-husband!

That’s right! Berry is throwing all that amicable split nonsense out of the window in favour of an ugly brawl and may well just start trash talking in the press! Hopefully, years of built-up resentment will come erupting from her little mouth with such venom that the sky will go pink with embarrassment.

We all know damn well that this isn’t going to happen. That’s because Halle Berry is crashingly dull. Some might say ‘dignified’, but they’re the kind of people who claim to like her for her acting abilities while secretly and shamefully masturbating over her while sat on the pan.

And so, in the face of lots of flying shit, Halle Berry is planning to take ex Gabriel Aubry to court to fight for custody of their two-year-old daughter Nahla and, crucially, she’s only giving us half the story.

So bad is this scrap is that she’s ditched a film she’s supposed to be making called New Year’s Eve (she’s been replaced by Katherine Heigl, if you even vaguely care).

Her rep says:

“Halle Berry was forced to pull out of a film production in New York this week due to pending custody litigation involving her daughter.”

“She has attempted to resolve these custody issues amicably with her daughter’s father, Gabriel Aubry, directly, but given his lack of cooperation, Halle has no choice but to seek swift judicial intervention.”

Okay. She’s having child-admin troubles. But what about the dirt?

“Halle has serious concerns for her daughter’s well-being while in the care of her father for any extended period of time and is prepared to take all necessary steps to protect her”

Serious concerns?! Is this bloke using this child as a drug mule? Does he encourage it to bath in shark infested water while wearing goggles made of steak?

It looks like she’s not going to tell us because she’s a massive spoilsport, leaving us to make jokes about meat-based eye wear. Don’t like the joke? Blame Halle Boring Berry.

“Halle has always made the needs and safety of her daughter her first priority and, both while Halle and Gabriel were a couple and since their break-up, Halle has only acted in her daughter’s best interests”

But alas, not in the best interests of us gossip mongers/shit slingers.

DAMN YOUR EYES BERRY!

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Picture the scene. A grotty bed somewhere, filled ably by a naked Vince Vaughn. Beneath him, somewhere, is a woman covered in a thin film of Vaughn’s sweat. She stares him in the eye, clenching her teeth as he rides her like a stolen moped. All the while, Vaughn mugs to a nearby mirror. He ejaculates and yells “I’m the hilarious Vince Vaughn!” And lo! A child was born!

That’s right. Astounding idiots have sex. Rich idiots probably have so much sex that they need a special ointment to treat genital blisters. And of course, they have children too and Vince Vaughn has become a father for the first time.

Vaughn’s soon-to-be long-suffering wife, Kyla Weber, gave birth to a baby girl in Chicago on Saturday. In true celebrity fashion, they have chosen a ridiculous name for their new faeces factory (that’s all babies are initially, eh?) – Locklyn Kyla Vaughn.

A family friend, who values a quick buck more than the privacy of their obviously close friends, said:

“Both of them couldn’t be happier to welcome their sweet little girl into their family!”

That’s a given right? Wouldn’t it be more fun if a ‘close friend’ came out and said:

“To be honest, everyone concerned is pretty depressed. When that… thing… came out, everyone started to dry-heave. It got so bad that the doctor tried to kick the child back up the mother. This baby is so hideous that they’ve decided that they’re not going to bother giving it a name, although, the nickname ‘Prolapse’ is being chucked around at the moment. This whole thing is one sorry mistake.”

Imagine reading that. Much more interesting that the usual ‘everyone couldn’t be more thrilled’ and ‘its a new start for everyone!’ rubbish.

Vince, who once dated Jennifer Aniston (which probably meant that he spent huge chunks of his free time mopping up tears and trying to get mascara stains out of expensive tops), married real estate agent Kyla in January in Chicago. Apparently, the nups took place in an “opulent, historic house at Lake Forest Academy”.

But you couldn’t give two shits about that, eh?

He’s clearly in love though. He once said:

“I figured this is not a ship to be missed because I will not forget this date. So Valentine’s Day was the day that I asked her.”

“She makes me laugh. She is wonderful. I’m just thrilled.”

She makes him laugh. Awww! In fairness, Vince Vaughn strikes us as the kind of man who could point and laugh at a dog that farted in its sleep, so it’s not the greatest compliment in the world.

Still, our thoughts are with the mother because she’s probably been robbed of her figure and set for months of dry, cracked nipples. Oh, and she has to live with Vince Vaughn.

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Cristiano Ronaldo is a nice bloke isn’t he? He can do six-hundred step-overs, give a cheeky wink, impregnate a penniless woman and then come up with the astonishing name of Cristiano Ronaldo for it (regardless of whether it was going to be a boy or a girl) without breaking sweat. What a guy!

What’s all this about penniless? Yep. C-Ron (pronounced ‘ARGH!’) has thrown a lifeline to a good, honest, poverty-stricken girl and not, as most are implying, used his incredible wealth and footballishness to convince a woman to slide between his sheets. And you want to hear his chat-up line that he wooed her with!This penniless waitress (who may or may not have been working in a cocktail bar when they met) is now a 25-year old who is $10m more wealthy. Cristiano clearly wants this lady to have the best healthcare, whilst allowing his eventual offspring to have the best start in life.

Or, he’s bought her silence. Can’t actually remember which one it was now, sorry.

One person close to Ronaldo who clearly hasn’t been given $10m to keep their mouth from opening and closing has blabbed on to the Sunday Mirror and said that, when the hideous athlete pulled the girl in the States, he said:

“Ronni looked the girl in the eye and said extremely directly, ‘Me, you, fuck-fuck.’ That’s typical Ronni – he pretends his English is terrible when it suits him, and he comes straight to the point. It was just yet another one-night stand and Ronnie assumed he would never see her again.”

So off they went, knocking their uglies together until eventually, the unholy union did enough to eventually make a baby grow up the socket, leaving the poor woman to go through the irritating admin of tracking down Ronaldo through his agent and arranging some DNA tests.

The friend continued:

“They are a traditional Roman Catholic family and the minute paternity was established there was absolutely no doubt that Ronni would be doing the right thing.”

Ronaldo apparently told a chum that this had left him feeling like “Boris Becker”, who of course, had impressively brief sex with model Angela Ermakova. Make up your own jokes about dribbling and deuce and all that.

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Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering who the most influential celebrity baby is? You have? You’re on some sort of government register, aren’t you.

However, on the off-chance that your interest in the preschool children of Hollywood celebrities is down to something other that surging waves of barely-controlled paedophilia, you should take a look at the just-published Forbes annual ’10 Hottest Tots’ lists. Just, you know, be sure to hide the magazine inside a less incriminating magazine first, like Big Droopy Knockers or Readers Disgusting BDSM Infantilism Fantasies.

And, for anyone who actually cares, Suri Cruise was named the most influential baby this year. Of course, it seems silly to rank toddlers based on their power and influence but, since Suri Cruise is the only celebrity baby able to summon the mighty Xenu to smite her foes inside his all-powerful fist, she was probably always going to make at least the top three.

This is turning out to be quite the year for the stars of hopeless pre-9/11 ‘terrorists are cool’ movie Swordfish. Halle Berry was named the sexiest women alive last month and Hugh Jackman was named the sexiest man alive yesterday. But sadly Swordfish can’t make the hat-trick, because it didn’t have any sexy children in it.

No, not sexy. Powerful. We meant powerful. Swordfish didn’t have any powerful children in it. If only they’d thought to prenatally cast young Suri Cruise in it, glory would have been theirs alone.

That’s because Suri Cruise has been named by Forbes magazine as the most powerful celebrity child aged under five on Earth in a slightly inappropriate-seeming list entitled ’10 Hottest Tots’. Reuters explains why:

Suri received more blog mentions than any other Tinseltown child and was referenced in more than 1,300 news articles, which can help shape public opinion about her parents while also fuelling demand for what she wears, plays with and eats.

You see, Suri Cruise isn’t just the suspiciously adorable child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, nor an everlasting monument to Katie Holmes’ stolen pre-marital virginity, nor a tiny bag of skin who has already gained more household rights than her mother, including reduced cage-time, access to water that doesn’t necessarily come from a rabbit feeder and the right to briefly look Tom Cruise in the eye when speaking to him. Suri Cruise is an opinion former.

We’re not entirely sure what this means – perhaps she’ll get her own E! reality show soon, or maybe she’ll start publishing her own Oprah-style vanity magazine – but magazine editors are already suggesting that Suri Cruise will become even more famous in the coming year. That’s partly because people would rather look at pictures of cute toddlers than fret about their lack of money, and partly because they really want Suri Cruise to understand that her life will peak at the age of two and the rest of her time on Earth will basically be a grey icy relentless downward slope to death.

But if Suri Cruise is number one, what of the other nine of the top 10 hottest tots named by Forbes? Well, OK, since you asked:

2 – Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt

3 – Zahara Jolie-Pitt

4 – Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt

5 – Sam Alexis Woods

6 – Cruz Beckham

7 – Matilda Rose Ledger

8 – David Banda

9 – Sean Preston Federline

10 – Sam Sheen

We know what you’re thinking. No, not that someone should inform the Monopolies Commission about all the Jolie-Pitt kids fouling up the top 10, but how disappointing it is that Matilda Rose Ledger is languishing down in seventh place.

Really Matilda, we know your father died this year in tragic circumstances, but we’re really starting to think that you don’t care about how hot Forbes magazine thinks you are. It’s a disgrace. Buck up your ideas next time, you stupid three-year-old idiot.

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Nobody was ever really going to win the custody battle between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, especially not the kids.

But, at long last, Britney and Kevin have managed to stagger to a full, final custody settlement. And it’s not particularly great news for Britney Spears – Kevin Federline has been granted sole custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James.

Britney Spears will still be able to visit her children, but that’s hardly enough time to build a loving relationship between mother and sons – all the time she gets with them will be spent frantically trying to make them unlearn whatever dumb lessons Kevin Federline has been teaching them, like ‘Cornrows make you look cool’ or ‘Jamming knitting needles into plug sockets is fun’. Poor Britney won’t even have a chance to hug them.

The child custody battle between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline never really took off the way anyone expected it to. While Charlie and Denise and Alec and Kim spent their time lashing out at one another in public, Britney and Kevin seemed to genuinely want the best for their children. Which is good for the kids but rubbish for us. Nobody ever thinks of us.

The potential was there – it’s not often that a child custody case comes along where the mother is a woman who shaves her head and calls herself the devil and the father sometimes goes to court dressed as a pirate – but the sparks never really flew between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline the way everyone expected them to. Stupid anti-psychotic medication.

But now it’s over. It’s all over. Rather than allow the court commissioner to give the children the best possible chance at life they had – by sending them to Cambodia to stitch footballs together, or giving them to a pack of hungry bears, or just letting them crawl around on the motorway – Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reached a custody settlement.

And that settlement is sole custody for Kevin Federline with occasional visits from Britney Spears. E! Online spoke to Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan:

“The case has been settled. The court still has to approve it. As of this evening there is a fully executed deal memo… All the issues that would have been addressed at trial have been settled… Kevin is absolutely delighted.”

That’s not to say that Kevin Federline will have sole custody of the kids forever, though – once Britney Spears has recovered to the extent that she no longer needs a conservator, it’s thought that Federline is open to the idea of giving her co-parenting status again.

But that’s just a possibility to deal with in the future. For now Kevin Federline has sole custody of his kids. And, you know, perhaps it’s for the best.

After all, Britney Spears obviously still isn’t well enough to look after herself, let alone her children – and this means that she’s freed up to concentrate on making a professional comeback to the best of her abilities.

And this custody settlement has also boosted Kevin Federline’s credibility as a father. He’s had to put up with jibes about his ability for a couple of years now, but gaining sole custody means that he’s clearly a very capable father.

Plus it’s wicked funny when he dresses the babies up in tuxedos and gets them to act as beer butlers at house parties until 4am, too – now he gets to do that whenever he wants.

Deliberation, discussion and decision-making: all major factors involved in writing about a legal case that hasn’t yet been decided either way.

Strangely enough, these things are also associated with the jury in the R Kelly child pornography trial.

Would you believe it? Of course, this brings up a wonderful revelation – it shouldn’t be too long before hecklerspray can refer to R Kelly in whatever terms we see fit, with the full backing of the law on our side.

Yes: the jury have heard the prosecution, the defence, rebuttals, witnesses and counter-cross-ultra-examinations, and they’ve run off to that room probably occupied by Twelve Angry Men to decide once and for all what the media are allowed to refer to R Kelly as.

And probably, more importantly, if the man is to serve jail time or if he is cleared of the charges held against him.

The future looks bright.

That’s as in ‘the future looks bright because it means we don’t have to pussyfoot around as much with our language for fear of being sued’, of course, and not some other misconstrued meaning attributed to the phrase. Obviously.

The case has been through a lot over the last few months, most recently the confusion as to who in the blue hell was in the video presented to the courts. Though whoever it was may have definitely had a mole – or did they? So no one is really sure who it was in the video, but whoever it was may have had a mole, though it may have been an ‘artifact’.

Good lord the jury must be confused by now.

It didn’t help that the defence were throwing around biblical quotes:

“Second Corinthians 11, verse 14. And Satan shall come disguised as an angel of light. That is what she is. She is a liar. She is an extortionist.”

And it can’t have made it easy when the prosecution relied on one of those pesky ‘experts’ to back up their case.

Though we would likely be the best one on the planet, hecklerspray would hate to be a juror in this case. And it’s clear that the actual jurors are taking their time on this one, since they’ve been deliberating for around a day now after starting on Thursday afternoon. According to CBS 2′s legal analyst Irv Miller this may very well be a good thing for R:

“A lot of people who have seen the entire trial say this is a slam dunk guilty and others are saying, ‘Hey, listen, there’s reasonable doubt there’.”

Time will tell. A verdict will come. And when it does, hecklerspray will know – either way – how we stand legally when talking about R Kelly. It’s been a long ride, but we’re nearly at the end of this particular legal tunnel.

Oh, and so is R Kelly. Forgot about that fact for a second there.

A little girl has been coaxed out of Jessica Alba’s vagina in what scientists are referring to as a ‘birth’.

According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl.

They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girl’s attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.

Honor Marie Warren was probably called Honor because Jessica Alba and Cash Warren felt honored by having her, just as Cash Warren was named by his parents who felt a tight financial burden by having him. His parents were more accurate.

When Honor grows up, every time a boy kisses her they will no doubt follow it up by saying “what an honor”.

It won’t be confined to just boys either. Throughout her life, whenever she does a favor for anyone, or when anyone does a favor for her, someone will say “it’s been an honor” and then laugh.

At the age of about six, Honor will be asking God why her parents gave her such a rubbish name.

This will evolve into a deep psychological problem by the time she reaches adolescence and, if she isn’t fortunate enough to have inherited her mother’s gluteal genes as compensation, she will probably be reaching for the medicine cabinet before she makes her 20s.

It all happened on Saturday, June 7 in Los Angeles. Her representative, Brad Cafarelli, confirmed so to People magazine.

Jessica Alba was recently interviewed by Fit Pregnancy. When asked what kind of a mother she’d like to be, she said:

I don’t want to be my child’s best friend. I want to be a mom, But I do want my child to come to me when they have problems and need to talk, so it’s going to be about treading that line.

Can it really be that time of year again? The ‘feel sorry for Anne Heche but not really’ time of year?

It must be, because Anne Heche is moping around court because her TV show got cancelled and now she can’t even pay her child support bills.

Seriously, is this how bad the credit crunch has got? It’s scary to think that not even a famous actress like Anne Heche can pay for the upbringing of her children because the measly $65,000 she gets for each of her tiny movie roles won’t cover the cost of keeping her two international homes, her cars and all her other various expenses. Maybe we should stage a telethon for her.

Remember that TV show Men In Trees? No, us neither. Shame it wasn’t better, really, because if it was then maybe Anne Heche wouldn’t have had to go to court just now and whine about being so poor.

You’ll know Anne Heche, of course, as the woman who regularly does things that make you feel a little bit sorry for her until you realise that actually she’s being a dick. And the terrible Psycho remake, probably. Last year Anne Heche made the news for losing custody of her child to her ex-husband Coley Laffoon. Sad, but only until you realise that her main argument for keeping custody was that her ex-husband wanked and played ping-pong a lot.

It’s a pattern that stretches way back, past the time that Anne Heche started a lesbian affair with Ellen DeGeneres and then broke it off so she could tour around America telling everyone how God had cured her of her homosexuality all the way back to when she invented the alter ego of hers who could talk to aliens. You know, the one who was Jesus’ half-sister.

Anyway, it’s time for the cycle to come around again, because Anne Heche has gone to court claiming that she can’t pay her child support bills because she’s been a tragic out of work actress since Men In Trees got cancelled. E! Online reports:

“Since January 18, 2008, I have been unemployed and had no income from unemployment except for one very short term contract for a movie role for which I received a total of $65,000, approximately the amount I received for one episode of Men in Trees [which has not been renewed for a third season],” Heche’s filing states. Among the expenditures listed are private school tuition for Homer, rent for her L.A. residence, the mortgage on her Vancouver abode and miscellaneous auto and personal expenses. Heche says the $240,000 she received in January from the sale of her and Laffoon’s Hollywood home is already long gone.

Anne Heche got paid $65,000 an episode for Men In Trees? Yeah, we remember that time we got paid a total of $2,275,000 just for going to work 38 times as well. We barely know how we managed to get by. We literally had to dig through other people’s rubbish because our servants kept serving us our whole roast suckling pig on cold plates. Cold plates! What did they think we were? Animals?

Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know that the court granted Anne Heche’s wish to suspend her child support payments for the month of July, potentially putting their son’s private school tuition in danger. That might be a good thing, though – after all, the less educated he is, the longer it’ll take him to realise that his mother seems to be a Curly Wurly short of the full selection pack.

Read more:

Anne Heche Doesn’t Have to Pay for July – E! Online

Forget believing he can fly or finding ever-more inventive ways to compare his willy to a car key in songs, R Kelly is only really good at one thing.

And that’s delaying the start of his child pornography trial. For the last six years, R Kelly has kept inventing clever new tricks to put off the trial again and again – but it looks as though his luck might have run out.

At last, tomorrow will see the commencement of the jury selection process for R Kelly’s child pornography trial, effectively locking a start date down for good. And, oh boy, is that going to be one lucky jury – the judge has ruled that R Kelly’s apparently incriminating underage sex tape can be shown in open court. High fives to agreeing to watch a 14-year-old girl get urinated on by R Kelly! Anyone? No?

The Phil Spector murder trial was such a golden time, wasn’t it? In fact, it’s probably hard to think of anything better than watching a tiny old man in a lesbian wig get accused of shooting a depressed woman in the face for months at a time. Except for, at a push, watching a singer who compares himself to Martin Luther King get accused of pissing on a 14-year-old girl’s face during a sex tape for months at a time.

Which is a relief, because that’s what we’ll finally get to see soon enough. After spending six years trying to wriggle out of it, thanks to mountains of pretrial motions and badly-timed births and ladder-based accidents and appendicitis and tired-looking bus drivers, the R Kelly child pornography trial is all set to get underway in Chicago tomorrow.

Or at least the boring jury selection process that precedes the R Kelly child pornography trial, anyway. The New York Daily News reports:

After six years of delays, jury selection is to begin Thursday in the Grammy-winning R&B singer’s trial on child pornography charges – although defense attorneys did throw in a last-minute motion Wednesday seeking another postponement. The case was prompted by a videotape allegedly showing Kelly having sex with a girl as young as 13.

Since R Kelly faces 15 years in jail if he’s found guilty of these charges, his lawyers will want to find the most sympathetic jury possible – a group of people who’ll understand that a man has needs, and that sometimes those needs involve apparently filming himself pissing all over an obviously underage girl’s face. But that tactic might be scuppered by Chicago’s famous lack of stereotypical cartoon Frenchmen.

However, the jury selection process is firmly weighted in the defence’s favour. Since this alleged R Kelly sex tape is the crux of the entire trial, it’s bound to be shown in court at least once – so there’s a chance that the jurors who’ll fight hardest to get on the trial will be the ones who basically enjoy watching child pornography the most. We think that’s how it works, anyway. Urgh.

But still, R Kelly’s jury selection process doesn’t start until tomorrow, so that leaves R Kelly with about 15 or 16 different chances to get the trial postponed again before then. All we’re saying is that we shouldn’t be too surprised if R Kelly suddenly gets his arm bitten off by a shark before teatime. That’s all.

Read more:

R. Kelly kid-porn trial creeps forward - NYDN