Remember supermodel Linda Evangelista who wouldn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000? Well she’s having a really rough time at the moment because she’s got a child… and we all know what a drain on the bank account they are, don’t we?

See, Linda had a baby and she didn’t manage to make her relationship work with the billionaire baby daddy.

What with François-Henri Pinault being a billionaire, he’s quite good with money, but he’s not been paying a dime to poor, impoverished Linda Evangelista who is in such a bad way that she’s actually started taking notice of the sales they have in the Asda George racks. What an outrageous deadbeat this Pinault bloke is!

Pinault and Linda’s daughter has had an impoverished life thus far, unable to know the great giddiness of life, thanks to  François spraying his money all over his latest flame, Salma Hayek.

Poor old Evangelista has been making-do, scrimping and saving to do the best for her child.

Rumour has it that she’s completely ignored her vast fortune and that nagging feeling of not really needing the money from her ex beyond a vague sense of entitlement, in favour of worrying over the prospect of not being able to pay for skiing trips with her daughter’s school and being able to have a nice Christmas, if indeed, they can celebrate at all because the Evangelista house is so very, very poverty stricken.

And the rent! What about the rent! And expenses!

Every child needs $50,000 per month in upkeep and a $20 million, 7,500-square-foot Los Angeles home, don’t they? And round-the-clock nannies, drivers and security teams!

If not, there’s little chance that this poor mite will ever grow up to be well-adjusted!

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The Jackson family really has a lot to answer for in terms of their dire financial situation. Who they gonna blame it on? Most people would point the finger at poor advice given to them from second rate lawyers, but the Jackson family are a wacky bunch of loons, so they’ll end up passing the buck to sunshine, moon light, good times and boogie.

World renowned musician and court visitor Michael Jackson was always having money problems. After blowing wads of cash on crap that wouldn’t appear in Sunday newspaper supplements, the king of pop died in a lot of debt.

You’d therefore expect the Jackson clan to not follow in his footsteps and be more money-minded. That would make sense wouldn’t it? But in true Jackson fashion, the other family members have made a complete mess of everything. And step forward Jermaine Jackson who is in trouble for, allegedly, slacking on child payments. The monster!

As far as the Jackson family is concerned, Michael will always be the main bread winner, even though he never made a decent record past 1993. Zombie-like fans froth at the mouth with each fresh posthumous release. Let’s be honest, who else would the family count on? Janet Jackson never set the music world alight and was only ever popular inside her own lunchtime.

Now, it’s not like Jermaine Jackson has been the bitch of family household and was forced to lick Janet’s feet and fetch Tito Cornish pasties at the click of his tubby fingers. He was part of the original Jackson 5 and should, in theory, have a large amount of cash wedged away for a rainy day based on record sales and radio play. Not being able to save money seemingly runs in the family with the eldest of the Jacksons declaring himself:

“Broke”

Hold on a second, isn’t this the same Jermaine Jackson who appeared on the 2007 celebrity baiting version of Big Brother? A show that earned him £250,000 after he spent a couple of weeks boxed in with people he’d never heard of. Instead of investing the money or stuffing it under a mattress like most normal people, he has instead squandered it and has been reported to have said:

“I’m not rich like Michael was. In 2008 I made no money.”

Technically, Michael Jackson isn’t rich anymore either, though the coffin he’s buried in will probably be worth more than the gross income of a small developing country. So who are the poor innocent parties that have been caught up in all of this bother?

Again, it’s the children and, in what is now a predictable Jackson family trait, Jermaine has given his offspring a life of woe. Not only are they missing out on £1,800′s worth of child support payments every month, but they’re also cursed with stupid, stupid names.

That’d be Jaafar, 14, and Jermajesty, 10. As if they weren’t bullied enough by the outside world thanks to Uncle Mike’s interesting bedroom activities.

Still, it’s not as daft as naming your kid Blanket.

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In the finest tradition of any parent of a popular tabloid celebrity, yet another money-making scheme has been hatched by Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay and rumoured father of future singing sensation (ahem) Ashley Kaufmann.

This has to be some kind of record, the speed at which the cynical wheels of the man's mind have been turning, pushing him ever closer to the seventh level of hell in his endless pursuit to make a quick buck from his family. For god's sake – it hasn't even been confirmed that Ashley is his daughter. To say hecklerspray is incredulous is something of an understatement. And when we understate, you know something is really up.

Yes, it has been revealed that Michael Lohan has approached a number of tabloid magazines, offering to sell his story (or potential story, as we should actually call it) for a rather tidy sum of cashmoney. The man doesn't even know if he is actually the parent of this girl, yet he already has contingency plans in the works to fatten his wallet through her.

What the fuck?

There's the sickening fact that Ashley Kaufmann already has something of a pop career lined up for her, solely on the strength that she might be the daughter of a bloke who popped out a sprog famous for getting wasted and flashing her lady-bits. That should have been it – that should have been bad enough. That should have been the thing that pushed our collective consciousness at hecklerspray over the chasm, into the endless void below, never to return.

But it wasn't – we remained strong. We fought through and we tried to make some sense of it. By golly gosh gee whizz – she might turn out to have some talent. It would be a novelty in the bloodline, that's for sure.

But this – this - is a step too far. We may be forced to renounce our semi-popular celebrity-bating ways and take up refuge in a remote monastery, praying to a god who may not even exist to help us. For we, as a human race, have been forsaken.

Ashley Kaufmann might not even be Michael Lohan's daughter, yet he's already trying to wring money out of her.

Do you see?

One more time?

She might not even be his daughter, yet he's already trying to wring money out of her.

Yes, there are claims that the money would be used to fund 'back child support' that ol' spunky (potentially) owes, but surely there are other ways to get a hold of this? And surely, just maybe possibly surely, there's an extra few dollah dollahs in it for he with the (allegedly) wayward penis? Call us cynical – please, do, we like it – but that's what we  at hecklerspray smell cooking.

But wait! Put down the razor blade, turn off the gas, take your head out of the cooker and untie that noose – there may yet be hope for civilisation as we know it! For the bods at People and OK! magazine have apparently turned down Lohan's approach! There's a chance that for once in this messed up, pointless and unfulfilling world that things have gone the way they should – that good prevails over evil, sense toes the line and we sit back, relax and enjoy things for a brief few minutes.

If you're listening god, which you probably aren't because you're off talking to insane people in the Bible Belt who no one will believe when they tell us all you spaketh to them: please stop Michael Lohan from doing this. If you do we'll bake you a fresh pasty, or even a cake – we might even say 'thank you'. It would be the first and last thanks you'd ever get from us, but we'd mean it. We really, really would.