HecklerSpray

Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy

R Kelly Found Innocent Of All Children-Related Love Making

By Shawn Lindseth

R Kelly is a man who has suffered so much at the hands of the press.

The guy just wants to live his life making A-material albums and wonderful music videos. And, of course, the last thing he wants to do is diddle people too young to get onto the big-kid rides at your local Six Flags.

Why is that? Well, it’s because R Kelly may be a lot of things – like the victim of a horrific back-mole that can sometimes be confused with a camera-lense speck, or tone deaf, but a kid-diddler he most definitely is not!

The man’s been acquitted, you know. You probably guessed that from the title up there.

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: That’s Not A Mole, Idiots, That’s An Artifact

By Stuart Heritage

It’s obvious to everyone with any sense that it isn’t R Kelly in the sex tape at the centre of his child pornography trial.

Really, it isn’t. R Kelly has a caterpillar-shaped mole on his back, you see, and the man in the R Kelly sex tape doesn’t have a caterp… oh wait, yes he does. Bum.

However, just because R Kelly and the man in the sex tape appear to have similarly-shaped birthmarks on the same part of their backs, it doesn’t make R Kelly guilty of anything. That’s because, according to a defence analyst yesterday, there aren’t any moles on the R Kelly sex tape at all – only artifacts. What’s an artifact? God knows. Let’s go!

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: Wait, Now He Didn’t Do It?

By Stuart Heritage

This R Kelly child pornography trial is getting awfully confusing – one minute someone’s saying he did it, then another’s saying he didn’t.

Oh, who to believe? Well, since R Kelly’s defence began yesterday with testimonies from the accused sex tape victim’s relatives, all claiming that it wasn’t her who R Kelly was having it off with, our microscopic attention span means we’ll have to side with them.

So that’s it, R Kelly definitely didn’t have sex with the 14-year-old girl that everyone thinks he had sex with because the very few members of her family who didn’t say that R Kelly definitely did have sex with her say he didn’t. We can’t believe it was this obvious all along.

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: Threesomes & Sex Tape Duffel Bags

By Stuart Heritage

We know what you’re thinking – that there’s only one thing that’d liven up the ongoing R Kelly child pornography trial.

That’s right – a woman who says she’s been in underage threesomes with R Kelly and the girl everyone thinks is in the R Kelly sex tape, and who also claims that R Kelly used to carry around a giant duffel bag full of his own sex tapes no matter where he went.

Well it’s your lucky day, because that’s exactly what happened to the R Kelly child pornography trial yesterday, and it’s all thanks to star prosecution witness Lisa Van Allen, a woman who bursts into tears whenever anyone asks her what sex with R Kelly was like. That makes us doubt that Lisa Van Allen actually did have sex with R Kelly, by the way, because the correct response to that is prolonged projectile vomiting. Again, that’s prolonged projectile vomiting.

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: It’s Sort of Him, Says FBI Chap

By Stuart Heritage

WBet you want to hear all about the superstar defence witness who’s threatening to sew up the R Kelly child pornography trial once and for all, right?

Of course you do. That’s terribly exciting news. But you’re not going to hear anything about that for a while – not when an expert FBI forensic video analyst has dropped the huge bomb that the man in the piddle-heavy R Kelly sex tape is probably R Kelly.

Alright, so maybe ‘probably’ is pushing it a little. What he actually said was that it wasn’t very likely that anyone had digitally superimposed R Kelly’s face onto the sex tape – a shock testimony that, if it is to be believed, immediately narrows the list of potential suspects down to a) R Kelly and b) every single man on Earth who isn’t R Kelly. This is nailbiting stuff, people.

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: Secret Mystery Defence Witness Alert!

By Stuart Heritage

It takes a lot to upstage a video of a 13-year-old girl urinating for a grown man, but the R Kelly child pornography trial may have hit the jackpot.

Because yesterday at the R Kelly child pornography trial… not much happened. Not much happened because the judge halted the trial for a day. And the judge halted the trial because a brand new ultra-mysterious secret witness for the defence has just descended onto the scene.

According to R Kelly’s defence, nobody knew this witness even existed until 9am yesterday morning when it received a phone call. It’s exciting, dramatic stuff and not even the judge knows what’s going on. We can’t wait! We want to be profoundly disappointed by the inevitable anticlimax now!

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: It’s Definitely Him, Says Ex-Employee

By Stuart Heritage

This whole R Kelly child pornography trial has shot its wad a little early; maybe ‘shot its wad’ is the wrong term – it’s piddled on a child’s face a little early. That’s better.

Anyway, our point is that the very first act of the R Kelly child pornography trial involved showing everyone the infamous alleged R Kelly sex tape. And since it’s physically impossible to top the sight of a full-grown man ordering a 13-year-old girl to wet her knickers to the sound of the Backstreet Boys, the trial’s got a little dull.

The most exciting thing that can happen now is seeing people try to identify the star of the tape. People like R Kelly’s former employee Lindsey Perryman, who turned up yesterday to say that not only is it R Kelly in the tape, but the female star is who everyone thinks it is because of the distinctive way she moves her mouth. We’ll finish writing this article as soon as we’ve stopped shuddering involuntarily.

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: It’s Him, Says Some Girl

By Stuart Heritage

Now that the fun part of the R Kelly child pornography – watching a video of a 13-year-old girl wet herself to the Backstreet Boys – is over, it’s time to get serious.

And by serious, we mean dull. To convict R Kelly, the prosecution needs to prove that it’s him in the aforementioned sex tape – something that’s hard to do because R Kelly says it isn’t him and the girl accused of co-starring in the tape says she’s got nothing to do with any of it either.

But yesterday a witness stepped forward to say that R Kelly is definitely the guy in the video doing a wee on a child, and that the child is who everyone thinks it is as well. So it looks like everyone can go home soon. Cocktails all round!

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: All About The Backstreet Boys, Mostly

By Stuart Heritage

The R Kelly child pornography trial is now underway, and it looks like things are even more disgusting than we thought.

Because, on the opening day of the trial, the now infamous alleged R Kelly sex tape was played to jurors and – we can’t believe we have to tell to tell you something as sordid as this – it features dancing. To a Backstreet Boys song.

Oh, and also it allegedly shows R Kelly urinating, his possibly 13-year-old sex partner urinating and several creepy instances of the word ‘Daddy’. But one thing the R Kelly sex tape doesn’t feature is The Spice Girls, because as soon as one of their songs comes on the radio, R Kelly allegedly halts proceedings and switches channel. Suck it Geri Halliwell, you’re not even good enough to soundtrack lurid child sex videos! In your face!

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