Articles tagged with: child
Suri Cruise The Most Powerful Baby, Says Genuinely Creepy List
Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering who the most influential celebrity baby is? You have? You're on some sort of government register, aren't you. However, on the off-chance that your interest in the preschool children of Hollywood celebrities is down to something other that surging waves of barely-controlled paedophilia, you should take a look at the just-published Forbes annual '10 Hottest Tots' lists. Just, you know, be sure to hide the magazine inside a less incriminating magazine first, like Big Droopy Knockers or Readers Disgusting BDSM Infantilism Fantasies. And, for anyone who actually cares, Suri Cruise was named the most influential baby this year. Of course, it seems silly to rank toddlers based on their power and influence but, since Suri Cruise is the only celebrity baby able to summon the mighty Xenu to smite her foes inside his all-powerful fist, she was probably always going to make at least the top three.
Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering who the most influential celebrity baby is? You have? You're on some sort of government register, aren't you. However, on the off-chance that your interest in the preschool children of Hollywood celebrities is down to something other that surging waves of barely-controlled paedophilia, you should take a look at the just-published Forbes annual '10 Hottest Tots' lists. Just, you know, be sure to hide the magazine inside a less incriminating magazine first, like Big Droopy Knockers or Readers Disgusting BDSM Infantilism Fantasies. And, for anyone who actually cares, Suri Cruise was named the most influential baby this year. Of course, it seems silly to rank toddlers based on their power and influence but, since Suri Cruise is the only celebrity baby able to summon the mighty Xenu to smite her foes inside his all-powerful fist, she was probably always going to make at least the top three.
Britney Spears Unironically Hands Kevin Federline Sole Custody
Nobody was ever really going to win the custody battle between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, especially not the kids. But, at long last, Britney and Kevin have managed to stagger to a full, final custody settlement. And it's not particularly great news for Britney Spears - Kevin Federline has been granted sole custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney Spears will still be able to visit her children, but that's hardly enough time to build a loving relationship between mother and sons - all the time she gets with them will be spent frantically trying to make them unlearn whatever dumb lessons Kevin Federline has been teaching them, like 'Cornrows make you look cool' or 'Jamming knitting needles into plug sockets is fun'. Poor Britney won't even have a chance to hug them.
Nobody was ever really going to win the custody battle between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, especially not the kids. But, at long last, Britney and Kevin have managed to stagger to a full, final custody settlement. And it's not particularly great news for Britney Spears - Kevin Federline has been granted sole custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney Spears will still be able to visit her children, but that's hardly enough time to build a loving relationship between mother and sons - all the time she gets with them will be spent frantically trying to make them unlearn whatever dumb lessons Kevin Federline has been teaching them, like 'Cornrows make you look cool' or 'Jamming knitting needles into plug sockets is fun'. Poor Britney won't even have a chance to hug them.
D-Day For R Kelly Trial. Or R-Day, Maybe
Deliberation, discussion and decision-making: all major factors involved in writing about a legal case that hasn't yet been decided either way. Strangely enough, these things are also associated with the jury in the R Kelly child pornography trial. Would you believe it? Of course, this brings up a wonderful revelation - it shouldn't be too long before hecklerspray can refer to R Kelly in whatever terms we see fit, with the full backing of the law on our side. Yes: the jury have heard the prosecution, the defence, rebuttals, witnesses and counter-cross-ultra-examinations, and they've run off to that room probably occupied by Twelve Angry Men to decide once and for all what the media are allowed to refer to R Kelly as. And probably, more importantly, if the man is to serve jail time or if he is cleared of the charges held against him. The future looks bright.
Deliberation, discussion and decision-making: all major factors involved in writing about a legal case that hasn't yet been decided either way. Strangely enough, these things are also associated with the jury in the R Kelly child pornography trial. Would you believe it? Of course, this brings up a wonderful revelation - it shouldn't be too long before hecklerspray can refer to R Kelly in whatever terms we see fit, with the full backing of the law on our side. Yes: the jury have heard the prosecution, the defence, rebuttals, witnesses and counter-cross-ultra-examinations, and they've run off to that room probably occupied by Twelve Angry Men to decide once and for all what the media are allowed to refer to R Kelly as. And probably, more importantly, if the man is to serve jail time or if he is cleared of the charges held against him. The future looks bright.
Little Girl Pulled Screaming Out Of Jessica Alba’s Naughty Bits
A little girl has been coaxed out of Jessica Alba’s vagina in what scientists are referring to as a ‘birth’. According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl. They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girl's attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.
A little girl has been coaxed out of Jessica Alba’s vagina in what scientists are referring to as a ‘birth’. According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl. They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girl's attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.
Anne Heche Ain’t Got No Freaking Money
Can it really be that time of year again? The 'feel sorry for Anne Heche but not really' time of year? It must be, because Anne Heche is moping around court because her TV show got cancelled and now she can't even pay her child support bills. Seriously, is this how bad the credit crunch has got? It's scary to think that not even a famous actress like Anne Heche can pay for the upbringing of her children because the measly $65,000 she gets for each of her tiny movie roles won't cover the cost of keeping her two international homes, her cars and all her other various expenses. Maybe we should stage a telethon for her.
Can it really be that time of year again? The 'feel sorry for Anne Heche but not really' time of year? It must be, because Anne Heche is moping around court because her TV show got cancelled and now she can't even pay her child support bills. Seriously, is this how bad the credit crunch has got? It's scary to think that not even a famous actress like Anne Heche can pay for the upbringing of her children because the measly $65,000 she gets for each of her tiny movie roles won't cover the cost of keeping her two international homes, her cars and all her other various expenses. Maybe we should stage a telethon for her.
R Kelly’s Kiddy Porn Trial Really About To Start Soon, Honest
Forget believing he can fly or finding ever-more inventive ways to compare his willy to a car key in songs, R Kelly is only really good at one thing. And that's delaying the start of his child pornography trial. For the last six years, R Kelly has kept inventing clever new tricks to put off the trial again and again - but it looks as though his luck might have run out. At last, tomorrow will see the commencement of the jury selection process for R Kelly's child pornography trial, effectively locking a start date down for good. And, oh boy, is that going to be one lucky jury - the judge has ruled that R Kelly's apparently incriminating underage sex tape can be shown in open court. High fives to agreeing to watch a 14-year-old girl get urinated on by R Kelly! Anyone? No?
Forget believing he can fly or finding ever-more inventive ways to compare his willy to a car key in songs, R Kelly is only really good at one thing. And that's delaying the start of his child pornography trial. For the last six years, R Kelly has kept inventing clever new tricks to put off the trial again and again - but it looks as though his luck might have run out. At last, tomorrow will see the commencement of the jury selection process for R Kelly's child pornography trial, effectively locking a start date down for good. And, oh boy, is that going to be one lucky jury - the judge has ruled that R Kelly's apparently incriminating underage sex tape can be shown in open court. High fives to agreeing to watch a 14-year-old girl get urinated on by R Kelly! Anyone? No?
Jeremy Clarkson ‘Goes Berserk At Crying Child’
It's nothing new for Jeremy Clarkson to make children cry - in fact parents often use images of Clarkson's hair and wardrobe choices to scare their children into paying attention at school. But one lucky child claims that Jeremy Clarkson recently made him cry for a whole new reason. Specifically because Jeremy Clarkson screamed "I will hunt you down and rip your fucking head off," at him. And all because the boy took a photo of Jeremy Clarkson asleep on a beach. Why did Jeremy Clarkson overreact so furiously to a sleeping picture? Was it because he's an avowed defender of human rights and privacy laws, or was it because he's a drooler? He's a drooler, isn't he. He certainly looks like one.
It's nothing new for Jeremy Clarkson to make children cry - in fact parents often use images of Clarkson's hair and wardrobe choices to scare their children into paying attention at school. But one lucky child claims that Jeremy Clarkson recently made him cry for a whole new reason. Specifically because Jeremy Clarkson screamed "I will hunt you down and rip your fucking head off," at him. And all because the boy took a photo of Jeremy Clarkson asleep on a beach. Why did Jeremy Clarkson overreact so furiously to a sleeping picture? Was it because he's an avowed defender of human rights and privacy laws, or was it because he's a drooler? He's a drooler, isn't he. He certainly looks like one.
