Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
CONGRATULATIONS HUGH GRANT. You have had a baby. Is it with a prostitute? We don't know! But the answer is definitely, irrefutably, unequivocally, probably.
?Hugh Grant?s publicist? (HAHAHA) revealed the news, yesterday insisting that honestly:
“He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not? be happier or more supportive.?He and the mother have discussed everything and are on very friendly terms.”
Kids do the sweetest things don’t they? They vomit over their food, which they continue to eat; they poo in their pants; they waddle around like little drunks forming crystallised snot moustaches while demanding every single second of your increasingly worthless time.
All together now – AAAAWWWWWWW
However, some parents aren’t sated with such activities. They want to push their children into becoming performing monkeys so they can look at the other, blissfully stupid children running around with glorious abandon and think “Gah. My kid will be famous while these idiots will still be in short pants.” And we’ve got one here… and Jesus, Joseph and Mary, she’s a little precocious horror. That’s right, she’s singing Nicki Minaj’s ‘Super Bass’ with the raps and gyrating moves.
Britain’s Got Talent, the nation’s premier talent contest attracts thousands of willing participants each year. From dancing dogs to fire-eaters, gymnasts to geriatrics, the show has everything people could possibly want on a Saturday evening. That is, apart from three judges with any discernable talent.
Much has been made of BGT judge Michael McIntyre’s innate ability to point out things that are usually seen as too mundane to mention while dancing around the stage like a human spinning-top, pepped up on a cocktail of cocaine and speed. This seemed, to Simon Cowell at least, enough talent to secure him a place on the judging panel. However, it seems that he’s too nice to keep it.
What of David Hasselhoff? He’s big in Germany for his warbling singing voice, while he is best-known in this country for playing the role of the drunk, strung-out father in 80s’ TV classic Knight Rider. What will become of him and his perma-tan?
So, Halle Berry has been accused by some of being a dirty racist for believing in the ‘one drop theory’, while her ex, Gabriel Aubrey has also been accused of being a racist because he wants everyone to say his daughter is white.
Personally, we don’t care what colour it is. We just want it to grow up into a nutter like Nicole Richie or Lindsay Lohan. Rich kids always end up jerks, right? Even the ones who make amazing pop records like ‘Whip My Hair’. Willow Smith – destined to be a dead-eyed narc fiend or cult leader.
Anyway, we’re talking about Halle Berry. Apparently, her and Aubrey (who sounds like a ’30s country singer) are still at loggerheads, acting like children (possibly vaguely racist children if you believe they’re that sort of thing) and… well… this is just about the most interesting thing Berry has ever done. Ever.
Halle Berry’s custody case is one of the most boring stories to hit the headlines, ever. Much like her career actually. And so, to liven the whole thing up, Kim Kardashian’s name is being thrown around for absolutely no reason at all.
That’s how low this story has sunk.
With accusations of racisms blowing around about Halle’s ex, Gabriel Aubrey, the whole sorry scenario has got people wringing their hands and worrying about the poor, poor child involved. Waa waa. Worse still is that this child is being thought of a completely forgettable by celebrity no-mark, Kardashian. Seriously.
Yesterday, we talked about what a gigantic spoilsport Halle Berry is. She selfishly decided to act like an adult and not air her filthy linen in public, leaving us to guess why she was worried about the safety of her daughter when with her ex-bloke, Gabriel Aubry.
Well, no thanks to Halle, but rather, a load of scurrilous rumours and hearsay, it seems we have an answer!
Yessireebob, people are pointing at Gabriel Aubrey and muttering “great big dirty racist git” under their breath.
Halle Berry is a well fancied woman. That’s because she looks like a white man designed her, ironing out all the blackness out of her, save only her tone. And she’s really boring. She’s such a crashing bore that sometimes, we prefer conducting conversations with the dead flies on our windowsill.
And so, with a rare moment of drama in her life, we find our Halle having a fight with her ex-husband!
That’s right! Berry is throwing all that amicable split nonsense out of the window in favour of an ugly brawl and may well just start trash talking in the press! Hopefully, years of built-up resentment will come erupting from her little mouth with such venom that the sky will go pink with embarrassment.
Picture the scene. A grotty bed somewhere, filled ably by a naked Vince Vaughn. Beneath him, somewhere, is a woman covered in a thin film of Vaughn’s sweat. She stares him in the eye, clenching her teeth as he rides her like a stolen moped. All the while, Vaughn mugs to a nearby mirror. He ejaculates and yells “I’m the hilarious Vince Vaughn!” And lo! A child was born!
That’s right. Astounding idiots have sex. Rich idiots probably have so much sex that they need a special ointment to treat genital blisters. And of course, they have children too and Vince Vaughn has become a father for the first time.
Vaughn’s soon-to-be long-suffering wife, Kyla Weber, gave birth to a baby girl in Chicago on Saturday. In true celebrity fashion, they have chosen a ridiculous name for their new faeces factory (that’s all babies are initially, eh?) – Locklyn Kyla Vaughn.
Cristiano Ronaldo is a nice bloke isn’t he? He can do six-hundred step-overs, give a cheeky wink, impregnate a penniless woman and then come up with the astonishing name of Cristiano Ronaldo for it (regardless of whether it was going to be a boy or a girl) without breaking sweat. What a guy!
What’s all this about penniless? Yep. C-Ron (pronounced ‘ARGH!’) has thrown a lifeline to a good, honest, poverty-stricken girl and not, as most are implying, used his incredible wealth and footballishness to convince a woman to slide between his sheets. And you want to hear his chat-up line that he wooed her with!
Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering who the most influential celebrity baby is? You have? You’re on some sort of government register, aren’t you.
However, on the off-chance that your interest in the preschool children of Hollywood celebrities is down to something other that surging waves of barely-controlled paedophilia, you should take a look at the just-published Forbes annual ’10 Hottest Tots’ lists. Just, you know, be sure to hide the magazine inside a less incriminating magazine first, like Big Droopy Knockers or Readers Disgusting BDSM Infantilism Fantasies.
And, for anyone who actually cares, Suri Cruise was named the most influential baby this year. Of course, it seems silly to rank toddlers based on their power and influence but, since Suri Cruise is the only celebrity baby able to summon the mighty Xenu to smite her foes inside his all-powerful fist, she was probably always going to make at least the top three.
