Kanye West seems to be continuing in his quest to win at everything forever.

Not content with taking the world of music by storm, the world of blogging by monsoon, the world of being cool by tsunami and the world of producing by… drizzle… Kanye West is now moving on to the world of making people fat by feeding them fried patties of ground up cow-knees.

Not personally, of course – that would be surreal.

No, Kanye is merely opening ten Fatburger fast food joints around Chicago, rather than actually serving all who walk through their doors with his priceless smile and boundless arrogance. And a burger.

West’s company, KW Foods LLC, have picked up the rights to build the stores around the Chitown area, thus infecting countless local residents with great big wodges of fat to force down their gullets. A sound business move, we’re sure.

But why, aside from wanting to kill lots of people by making them fat, would Kanye West want to open ten fast food ‘restaurants’ (using the term as loosely as possible)?

Maybe it’s to get away from his music career and down to a more homely, normal job than he’s been used to over the last few years? At least working in a burger joint he wouldn’t be all that bothered were he to turn up to work eight hours late.

In fact, he’d just get sacked for that.

Yes – that’s clearly it. He’s tired of being in the limelight, tired of all the attention, all the ego boosts and all the times he pretends to be Jesus – Kanye West must certainly, definitely and absolutely be edging towards a career flipping burgers. Maybe.

After the success of Kanye’s The New Workout Plan it could be said that maybe he’s something of a hypocrite, opening stores that will sell fatty foods. But then, that song wasn’t a call to arms trying to make the world a thinner place, unfortunately, it was something of a piss take, meaning we’re stuck on that one.

Though it didn’t always work for him.

Nevertheless, Kanye’s quest to make people in Chicago (and some in Los Angeles) eat what is likely to be fried up floor scrapings will begin in September, when the first of his stores opens, adding to the 90+ Fatburger foodatoriums already spread around the US.

It is as of yet unconfirmed whether Kanye will be performing Evel Knievel-style stunts at the opening of the first store, though this time he’s far less likely to be sued for it. For not only did they end up being best buds forever, but Evel is also dead, meaning he probably doesn’t care too much about suing people any more.

We await Kanye West‘s Fatburger theme-o-rap with bated breath – one rhyme for the store’s name we can suggest: ‘twatmurder’. But hecklerspray has exclusive copyright on that now, so unluck-o.

One oft-neglected side-effect of giving birth is the overwhelming desire to star in overtly showy prohibition-era Broadway musicals.

Just look at Nicole Richie, for example. For some logic-defying reason, she's currently weighing up an offer to star as Roxie Hart in the Broadway version of Chicago.

It'd be awfully presumptuous of us to try and second-guess what issues Nicole Richie is weighing up exactly, but we're willing to bet that they include rehearsal schedules, being able to spend time with her new baby and the fact that if she was any less talented at anything other than forgetting to eat she'd be legally reclassified as vegetation.

We might be stretching it a bit here, but it looks a lot like Nicole Richie has the beginnings of a Brooke Shields infatuation. Look at the evidence – Brooke Shields had a baby and Nicole Richie had a baby. Brooke Shields infuriated Tom Cruise and Nicole Richie infuriated Tom Cruise by driving backwards up a motorway and not crashing, thereby depriving him of being in a situation that only he can handle. And, crucially, Brooke Shields has been in Chicago.

Actually, come to think of it, that's a rubbish excuse for an infatuation. That'd be like suggesting that Nicole Richie had an infatuation for Kelly Osbourne or Claire Sweeney, when everyone knows that the closest anyone's ever come to being infatuated with Claire Sweeney is her own mother, and even then things peaked with mild, distant affection.

Anyway, we're missing our own point here. Our point is that Nicole Richie – a woman with no discernible skills other than being quite skinny and driving like a drug-addled bastard – is apparently entertaining the idea of starring in Chicago. The Daily Dish reports:

Reality TV star Nicole Richie reportedly is set to relaunch her post-pregnancy career by taking to the Broadway stage and starring in the hit musical "Chicago." Richie, who gave birth to daughter Harlow last month, is tipped to follow in the footsteps of Ashlee Simpson, Brooke Shields and Renee Zellweger as the latest big name Roxie Hart in the show… An insider tells Us Weekly magazine, "Nicole's definitely interested and is weighing it out."

Weird to think that the Chicago producers want to cast Nicole Richie when there are other young women with more music and acting experience out there. We're basically talking about Paris Hilton.

But let's not dismiss Nicole Richie's Chicago role before she's even accepted it. Needless to say the role of Roxie Hart will need to be subtly recalibrated to suit Nicole Richie's strengths – but so long as the audience accepts a Roxie Hart who, rather than being a calculating convict responsible for belting out showstoppers like All That Jazz and Funny Honey, is a scrawny fool who bumbles about and sings a song called OMG, Paris Is Such A Bitch, we're sure Nicole will do fine.

And if not she can always get a role as a prison cell bar.

Read more:

Richie Set For Broadway? – Daily Dish 

Watch out Foxy Brown, there's a new angry young thing causing trouble on the streets, and he looks a lot like the annoying child sidekick from Constantine – OK, actually he is the annoying child sidekick from Constantine.

That's Shia LaBeouf from Transformers to you. Shia LaBeouf might just be the world's next big movie superstar in the making, but that isn't going to stop him from being a streetwalkin' menace to society, as his arrest early on Sunday morning has proved. It's been reported that Shia LaBeouf got himself arrested for trespassing after he, um, politely refused to leave a Chicago pharmacy a couple of times. Whatever next? The boy from Malcolm In The Middle getting busted for accidentally putting a green glass bottle in a brown glass recycling bin? Where will the madness end? Where?

Lots of people are calling Shia LaBeouf the next Tom Hanks, thanks to the touch of everyman he brings to all his roles. Were it not for Shia LaBeouf's herky-jerky acting in Transformers, for example, it wouldn't have been the muddled teen comedy about giant robots who talk slang, piddle on government officials and watch Shia LaBeouf have sex that we all know and love; it would have been an action thriller about massive angry robots relentlessly smashing each other to pieces in eye-searing explosive close-ups. And, you know, who'd want to see that?

But the thing that might stop Shia LaBeouf from becoming the new Tom Hanks – aside from an understandable unwillingness to grow his hair into an awful mullet and star in a film about Jesus having it off with Amelie – is his penchant for troublemaking. Up until now, Shia's most publicised act of defiance came when, after he got the biggest role of his life as Indiana Jones' sidekick in the fourth Indiana Jones movie, Shia LaBeouf jeopardised everything by blabbing the movie's secret title in front of the world at the MTV VMAs without Steven Spielberg's consent. 

And if Shia LaBeouf getting in Spielberg's bad books isn't a big enough thing to worry about, now Shia LaBeouf has got in trouble with the law. And, even in a world of celebrity child-killing and alleged celebrity armed robbery, Shia LaBeouf's crime is so appallingly horrific that we can barely mention it. Shia LaBeouf was… Shia LaBeouf was arrested for trespassing because he didn't leave a pharmacy when he was asked to.

We know. The sick bastard. 

According to reports, Shia LaBeouf was in a Chicago branch of the Walgreens pharmacy early on Sunday morning when a security guard – for some unknown reason – repeatedly asked him to leave. Shia apparently refused, police were called and Shia was arrested for trespassing.

But Shia LaBeouf didn't go down without a fight. Oh, wait, no, Shia LaBeouf didn't go down with a fight, as Chicago police spokesperson Joann Taylor told E! Online:

"Once they asked him to leave, he should've left, but at that point it was trespassing. But he was very polite and everything."

Shia LaBeouf was later released after he posted bail and is now scheduled to appear in court for a hearing on November 28. But that's hardly what matters here – what matters is that there's a new bad boy in town, and his name is Shia LaBeouf. This trespass arrest will act as a warning to Shia's many enemies that if they don't treat him respect, they'll be next. And, trust us, nobody wants to see Shia LaBeouf standing on their lawn at 2am politely refusing to leave several times. Life's just too precious for that.