Guess what? We’re going to hit you with a brace of new Eurovision 2009 profiles.

Makes a change, eh? Anyway, you’ll be thrilled to learn that we’re about to hit something of a rare streak of form this week. This week we’ll almost certainly be writing about the song that’ll win the Eurovision Song Contest. Luckily, however, we’ve also got the worst song in Eurovision history coming up in a few days as well. Keep your eyes open for that one.

But first, here’s the Eurovision 2009 rundown for Chiara from Malta…

Malta · Chiara, What If We

Now we know how this works. Malta loves Eurovision and – as we’ve learnt in previous years – they will defend their song to the death is we even come close to slagging it off. So it’s with a heavy heart that we must report that What If We by Chiara is – we can’t believe we’re saying this – quite good. It’s exactly the sort of booming power ballad that Andrew Lloyd Webber should have written for the UK, and Chiara – a Eurovision veteran – manages to belt it out with astounding clarity. But we can’t go a whole year without mocking the Maltese, which is why we’d also like to point out that What If We has also got a set of terrible lyrics that appear to have been cribbed from a third-rate self-help book, and also that Chiara is fat. Fat people are funny. Phew, that’s better.

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