cheryl tweedy - HecklerSpray

Cheryl Cole Set To Be ‘New Jonathan Ross’, Or: International Good Ideas Factory Closes Down For Business

January 4th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

Okay. Hands up. Who’s missed Cheryl Cole? Hello? Did you hear us? Why can we hear tendons snapping? Well – erm – YOU’RE IN LUCK!

For that X Factor Expert and all round amazing woman what is good at chatting to people on strange curved sofas that don’t exist anywhere except post-watershed Channel 4 programmes has ‘reportedly’ (and Jesus Christ, we use that term lightly, this story was pulled from Star Magazine, where half the office are frequented by Nick Hardman’s idea of what women look like, and the rest: Frogs) agreed to be the face of a new late night chat show, like that time they did it with Charlotte Church, as part of the What To Do With Down to Earth Welsh People Scheme of 2006.

Anyway, the consensus seems to be it’s going to be a show kind of on the same lines.

Cheryl Cole Blows Up Simon Cowell With A Massive Bomb Given To Her By The Army

September 16th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Have you ever looked at Simon Cowell and thought to yourself; ‘I’d like to get a load of plastic explosives and blow him and his botoxed face off the face of the Earth, just for giggles’?

Well, that’s exactly what Cheryl Cole did yesterday. Remarkably, she did it with the help of the British Army.

We don’t remember seeing Simon Cowell’s face on the infamous War On Terror playing cards though. Paula Abdul, yes, but no Cowell.

Cheryl Cole Joins Twitter, World Implodes In Excitement

August 31st, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Everything changes and develops into condensed shiny version. Even social networking has evolved. In the beginning we had MySpace, a tool where any idiot could upload appalling songs in the vain hope of being snapped up by a label. Facebook pinched the audience of MySpace, simplifying the clumsiness of its predecessor before Twitter cut out the marketing spam and made everything feel more communal.

Twitter allows the entire world to know what you're doing in a continual burst of status updates. Refreshing as it is to know your mate is suffering from chronic diarrhoea, it’s the celebrities who are best value as sometimes, they totally fail to self-edit.

We think of it as friendly stalking from afar, eliminating the chances of you being caught furiously masturbating outside your favourite slebs house. And now, poor Cheryl Cole who has been out the spotlight for a while, has signed up to twitter which means we can find out exactly what she's thinking (follow her here).

People Continue To Employ Cheryl Cole For Inexplicable Reasons (Glee and ?A Film With Cameron Diaz In It? Beckon)

August 15th, 2011 By Sophie Hall

You may remember a few months ago (and if you don't remember, you're a liar, because we ALL remember. We just don't talk about it anymore) someone, somewhere on the horizon of logic sacked Cheryl Cole upon realising she is an entirely pointless human woman.

Yeah, you remember. It was brilliant.

After years being mollycoddled (and there really is no other word for it, that bitch got ?mollycoddled good) by Simon Cowell after a number of years of voluntary blindness, a promotion to LA fell flat on it's arse, because some brave stallion of a man stood up in a board meeting and suddenly realised ?Hang on a second. This woman?s dimples aren't cute enough to warrant a legitimate and vibrant media career at all! We've all been duped!? and Cheryl Cole, alas, alas, hung up her stupid purple stupid trousers which were stupid, and headed back to England, to do something or other.

You Could Be Arrested For Taking Cheryl Cole’s Photograph Thanks To Superinjunction

June 29th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

We haven’t seen much of Cheryl Cole since America decided that it really, really hated her voice. As such, Cole almost vanished from the planet, if you don’t count the endless speculative articles that surrounded her for months.

And we could well be seeing a lot less of her as she’s been granted an superinjunction (please note, it is more of an ‘injunction’, but ‘superinjunction’ is a buzz word used to describe pretty much anything these days) which means that anyone who takes her picture without permission could end up having their collar felt by the long, stinky arm of the law.

Basically, this court order has been issued against “XYZ and others”. This means that anyone who has photographed her ‘at her home and in the street during 2011’, will be breaking the law. That means you excitable Cheryl fans could get arrested for snapping her. So what can we all do to get around it? Photoshopping images is the key!

Cheryl Cole Hates America And Simon Cowell But Loves Girls Aloud

June 13th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

We live in a world that is dominated by girl groups… and it really is fantastic. Rock is pretty much dead in the water, filled with bloated, self-worthy fellas with guitars peddling pedestrian, plodding pish. The girls meanwhile are making fun, Friday night records. Apart from Adele.

And now that Cheryl Cole has been ‘freed’ from the shackles of television and Simon Cowell, she’s now able to rejoin Girls Aloud to once more make quirky, witty pop. Which is a relief.

She’s looking forward to it too, saying that she’s “glad” not to be a part of The X Factor circus anymore. And with a GA comeback afoot, she can drum up some publicity by taking needless swipes at everyone. Aaaah, it feels good to write this hackneyed old crap again.

Cheryl Who? Louis Walsh Deals Cutting Blow To Former Colleague Cheryl Cole

June 10th, 2011 By Kris Silver

It's fair to say that Cheryl Cole?s had a pretty rough few weeks. She lost her job on the US version of the X-Factor and was replaced on the UK version by Tulisa from N-Dubz.

Oo?r Cheryl is just like the kitten at the animal shelter that no one wants. Looking up at us with her doe-eyes, trying her best to put on a brave face, but knowing deep down that She'll never be taken in by anyone again.

So Louis Walsh has taken it upon himself to do the decent thing and stuff Cheryl into a sack before throwing her into the river.

Simon Cowell Is As Good As A Dead Man To Cheryl Cole

June 8th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

One of the odd things that surrounds Cheryl Cole, is people’s propensity to note that she was working class. It is supposed to be a negative that she’s a chav who got lucky – like that’s a bad thing. It is unfortunate then, that she’s now indulging in a playgroup scrap with Simon Cowell, indeed reminiscent of a scally spitting at a dinner lady.

Apparently, the friendship they had is now over and dead. Which isn’t so good for her television career, which we know you all enjoyed.

So what’s the beef? Well, the Girls Alouder (do they still exist or are they simply in pop-limbo?) isn’t particularly chuffed that Cowell decided to talk to the press about her axe from X Factor USA, which saw the mogul saying that Chezza was ‘nervous’ and ‘uncomfortable’ on the show.

Paula Abdul Hates Cheryl Cole And Her Clothes

June 1st, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

Here at hecklerspray, there are just two things guaranteed to make us deliriously giddy. One is watching the munchkin scene from The Wizard of Oz, where they’re all dead happy and singing about death, making us truly believe that all tiny people singing people are filled with love for each other. ?The other is Justin Bieber walking into a glass door (no need to explain why).

So when we heard that two tiny borebag pop stars, Cheryl Cole and Paula Abdul were not BFF on the X Factor, it almost destroyed us.

We can still hear Matthew Laidlow crying at night when he thinks everyone in the squalid ‘spray residence is asleep.

Simon Cowell Is Sorry About Cheryl Cole, But Still Refuses To Fasten More Buttons On His Shirt

May 31st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Simon Cowell is pulling a sad face at the moment. Well, he’s trying to. The front bit of his head seems strangely immovable these days doesn’t it? It’s like a taut sausage, waiting to be popped with a fork. This is not a call to stab Cowell in the face should you see him.

Where were we? Oh yes, Simon is all sad. That’s because he’s had to watch his chum Cheryl Cole getting dumped by people more powerful than him, making the whole thing doubly wounding.

Since getting the chop from X Factor USA, Cheryl Cole has gone into hiding, ignoring everyone’s calls and texts (especially those sent by us, but then again, she’s been ignoring them since Girls Aloud liked each other), leaving Cowell to break the silence on the whole thing.