Posts tagged as:

cheryl cole

Simon Cowell Is Sorry About Cheryl Cole, But Still Refuses To Fasten More Buttons On His Shirt

by Mof Gimmers

Simon Cowell is pulling a sad face at the moment. Well, he’s trying to. The front bit of his head seems strangely immovable these days doesn’t it? It’s like a taut sausage, waiting to be popped with a fork. This is not a call to stab Cowell in the face should you see him. Where [...]

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Adele’s £4million Tax Woes

by Kris Silver

It appears as if 23-year-old, London born singer Adele has the Midas touch at the moment. Her album has been at number one for so long that it saw off both the end of the world and Cheryl Cole’s US X-Factor career. She’s performed at the Brits to universal acclaim and she’s captured the hearts [...]

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Has Cheryl Cole Been Unceremoniously Dumped From X Factor USA For Perfectly Understandable Accent?

by Mof Gimmers

America has a huge variety of accents, from the baffling Boston garble, to the irritating Valley speak, not to mention the bizarre voices you hear in the Deep South. Sadly, America also has lazy earholes and can’t be bothered learning how to adapt to any European accents. And this could well be the reason that [...]

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Javine Wants Someone Who Can Actually Sing On X Factor (So She Can See What A Proper Singer Looks Like)

by Mof Gimmers

Remember Javine Hylton? No? She’s the girl famous for being called a ‘slag’ by Jamelia on Nevermind The Buzzcocks. Yeah. You vaguely recall that? Well, elsewhere, Javine has knocked uglies with MC Harvey, not won Eurovision and not won Popstars: The Rivals. Basically, there’s very little of note about her, apart from her curious teeth. [...]

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Cheryl Cole Really Doesn’t Want To End Up Like Paula Abdul (Who Does?)

by Mof Gimmers

Cheryl Cole is having a gay old time in America with her career going rather well. He’s got massive hair, a huge salary, gleaming teeth and sunny weather! What more could a young successful woman honestly ask for? Love, you berk. Everybody, as the song says, needs somebody. And with that, Wor Cheryl is looking [...]

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Sarah Harding Realises Ridiculous Lips Are Ridiculous

by Mof Gimmers

Sarah Harding has ‘finally’ admitted she has had lip fillers, in a move that has left us feeling as violently disinterested as we are unshocked. But hey, we’ve got pages to fill and mouths to feed, so on we trudge with the inevitable succession of self-consciously acerbic and needlessly vitriolic words. Thank Christ for thesauruses, [...]

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Kylie Minogue’s Sister Gets Replaced By Someone From N-Dubz On X Factor

by Matthew Laidlow

We feel sorry for Dannii Minogue: she’s never really had it as good as her older sibling. Kylie has been given all of the bigger, better and catchier pop hits, she looks better and oddly, Kylie has been given her own range of car adverts which don’t make any sense. Perhaps Simon Cowell gave Dannii [...]

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Cheryl Cole Booed For Reasons Other Than Terrible Hair

by Joanna Bolouri

Cheryl Cole has finally ‘arrived’ in America and we’re genuinely happy. Not for her you understand, we couldn’t give two hoots what she does, we’re just happy that we’re not within punching distance anymore. However, despite living off baby food in some odd attempt to get thinner and mistakenly asking her hairdresser for a big [...]

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Cheryl Cole Predictably Gets American X Factor Gig

by Mof Gimmers

What has Cheryl Cole done to get such unswerving favour from Simon Cowell? Seriously. He seems absolutely determined to make a superstar of her and it can’t solely be down to the fact she’s hard working, good looking and willing to do as she’s told. We can only imagine the horrors that lie in his [...]

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Simon Cowell Ruins Top Of The Pops Forever

by Joanna Bolouri

Simon Cowell wants stuff. Feel free to replace the word stuff with ‘EVERYTHING’. He wants big houses, flashy cars, the systematic psychological destruction of  vulnerable human beings for entertainment purposes and he probably wants that sandwich you had for lunch earlier. But what he really wants, more than anything the whole wide world is to launch his [...]

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