Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
A former member of female pop ensemble, “Girls Aloud”, Cheryl Cole went on to have a successful solo recording career.
The talented stunner also served as a judge on both the UK and US iterations of “The X-Factor”.? She got her surname, “Cole”, from a four year marriage to a professional Footballer for the England National Team.
So, it hardly seems fair that Cheryl Cole still looks good, even without makeup on.
Despite the rumours that persist about Ashley Cole, he went and got married to Cheryl from Girls Aloud (despite the rumours that persist about her too). All was going swimmingly until Ashley started fooling around.
Overnight, the heartache meant that Cheryl Cole because the people’s princess. We forgot all about that toilet attendant business. Ashley Cole was public enemy number one!
And so, after a quiet spell, Chezza is back with a new song called Screw You and, well, while there’s no official word on it, it does sound a lot like a barbed attack on a certain ex husband. And the lyrics are rather fruity too!
Olly Murs is an exciting young chap, isn’t he? When he’s not presenting the Xtra Factor, he’s batting off rumours about his sex life by claiming he’s an asexual castrato with a crippling level of shyness.
Now it seems that renowned wallflower Murs is coming out of his shell after his therapist dared him to ask Cheryl Cole on a date.
Cheryl’s act, Joe McWhatsisface, beat Olly to win the X Factor in 2010 but that didn’t stop the shy, retiring young Essex boy from saying that he would like to steal a kiss from Mrs Cole.
Two granola-sized pieces of Cheryl Cole news for you today, and they both matter absolutely not at all, but let’s just talk about it anyway, okay? It’s important sometimes to force yourself into new cultures – you know, like caviar, or Newsnight Hugh Grant.
A while ago, we happened to mention??that ARGHCHEZZA (as the English language’s basic semantic functions deduce her name to be) was going to be in ‘a film with Cameron Diaz in it’.
This wasn’t even something we made up to hurt you or cause you notable mental or physical distress, it really was the truth – and sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes – the truth is also; that people will literally give anybody any ridiculous sum of money for doing basically anything at all if they give good side boob. It’s just human trafficking, and it’s fine. *Mutters*
Simon Cowell has made stars of boybands, Chico, Susan Boyle and a variety of completely forgettable singers like Steve Brookstein, Leon Thingy and DooDah Sneddon. Possibly. We’re get all those talent shows confused these days.
So what’s his next move? Well, apart from publicly wooing Cheryl Cole again (presumably Kelly Rowland can’t be bothered saying ‘boo’/sitting next to the bizarre Tulisa on the X Factor next year), he’s decided he’s going to make a talent show about DJs.
Seriously. While this may pique the interest of some, there’s little chance it could work in a primetime format… surely?
Okay. Hands up. Who’s missed Cheryl Cole? Hello? Did you hear us? Why can we hear tendons snapping? Well – erm – YOU’RE IN LUCK!
For that X Factor Expert and all round amazing woman what is good at chatting to people on strange curved sofas that don’t exist anywhere except post-watershed Channel 4 programmes has ‘reportedly’ (and Jesus Christ, we use that term lightly, this story was pulled from Star Magazine, where half the office are frequented by Nick Hardman’s idea of what women look like, and the rest: Frogs) agreed to be the face of a new late night chat show, like that time they did it with Charlotte Church, as part of the What To Do With Down to Earth Welsh People Scheme of 2006.
Anyway, the consensus seems to be it’s going to be a show kind of on the same lines.
Well hello there, and good tidings! But let’s just cut the small-talk here before things get all chatty-chatty like what those baby lesbians do off Coronation Street. So, Janet Jackson’s awful. ?
Hear that, Great Britain? Here that, Janet Jackson’s official fan club underneath all the wild babble?
Oh, quiet down at the front?? JanFan47?! Cease and desist 1nPHATuation! (Amazing.) PIPE DOWN Janhova_Troll_Slayer! Not our words! No! We’d never flirt with?incessant?mockery and combine that with the Jackson family, what with all that pain and despair they’ve been harboring these past few years.
Who doesn't love the X-Factor? Oh that's right, people who listen to supposed ?real? music. They?re the types who?ll only listen to music made by those who play their own instruments, write songs without the word ?love? being mentioned and only release fifty copies of their album on limited edition cassette tapes.
For everyone else, Saturday nights on ITV are awash with yoghurt adverts, technical glitches and the occasional performance. This year, the judging panel line up has changed dramatically with only Irish demi-arse Louis Walsh remaining to continue to mentor the novelty act category.
Sarah Harding, or the blonde one from Girls Aloud, has spent the last wee while in rehab. Did you know that?
No, neither did we.
Is it that no-one told us or simply that the admission of a celebrity to rehab has become so commonplace that we now spend more time focussing on what Daniel O’Donnell’s up to. He’s nice. Grans like Daniel O’Donnell.
Sarah Harding doesn’t though. She thinks he’s boring and once interrupted a West
After ‘Swagger Jagger’ saw release, everyone with ears hooted in derision. Cher Lloyd was the latest in a long line of pop stars showcasing the fact that, we as a species, have finally run dry of melodies.
However, against all the odds, flying in the face of decency, the track went to number one, making Crosby Stills & Nash fans cry into their morning hemp flakes.
And now Cher Lloyd is going to do it all over again with a song called ‘With Ur Love’. Sadly, the ‘Ur’ doesn’t stand of Underground Resistance. Jarring promotional video is over the jump.
