Simon Cowell has made stars of boybands, Chico, Susan Boyle and a variety of completely forgettable singers like Steve Brookstein, Leon Thingy and DooDah Sneddon. Possibly. We’re get all those talent shows confused these days.
So what’s his next move? Well, apart from publicly wooing Cheryl Cole again (presumably Kelly Rowland can’t be bothered saying ‘boo’/sitting next to the bizarre Tulisa on the X Factor next year), he’s decided he’s going to make a talent show about DJs.
Seriously. While this may pique the interest of some, there’s little chance it could work in a primetime format… surely?
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Okay. Hands up. Who’s missed Cheryl Cole? Hello? Did you hear us? Why can we hear tendons snapping? Well – erm – YOU’RE IN LUCK!
For that X Factor Expert and all round amazing woman what is good at chatting to people on strange curved sofas that don’t exist anywhere except post-watershed Channel 4 programmes has ‘reportedly’ (and Jesus Christ, we use that term lightly, this story was pulled from Star Magazine, where half the office are frequented by Nick Hardman’s idea of what women look like, and the rest: Frogs) agreed to be the face of a new late night chat show, like that time they did it with Charlotte Church, as part of the What To Do With Down to Earth Welsh People Scheme of 2006.
Anyway, the consensus seems to be it’s going to be a show kind of on the same lines.
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Well hello there, and good tidings! But let’s just cut the small-talk here before things get all chatty-chatty like what those baby lesbians do off Coronation Street. So, Janet Jackson’s awful.
Hear that, Great Britain? Here that, Janet Jackson’s official fan club underneath all the wild babble?
Oh, quiet down at the front ? JanFan47?! Cease and desist 1nPHATuation! (Amazing.) PIPE DOWN Janhova_Troll_Slayer! Not our words! No! We’d never flirt with incessant mockery and combine that with the Jackson family, what with all that pain and despair they’ve been harboring these past few years.
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Who doesn’t love the X-Factor? Oh that’s right, people who listen to supposed “real” music. They’re the types who’ll only listen to music made by those who play their own instruments, write songs without the word “love” being mentioned and only release fifty copies of their album on limited edition cassette tapes.
For everyone else, Saturday nights on ITV are awash with yoghurt adverts, technical glitches and the occasional performance. This year, the judging panel line up has changed dramatically with only Irish demi-arse Louis Walsh remaining to continue to mentor the novelty act category.
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Sarah Harding, or the blonde one from Girls Aloud, has spent the last wee while in rehab. Did you know that?
No, neither did we.
Is it that no-one told us or simply that the admission of a celebrity to rehab has become so commonplace that we now spend more time focussing on what Daniel O’Donnell’s up to. He’s nice. Grans like Daniel O’Donnell.
Sarah Harding doesn’t though. She thinks he’s boring and once interrupted a West
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After ‘Swagger Jagger’ saw release, everyone with ears hooted in derision. Cher Lloyd was the latest in a long line of pop stars showcasing the fact that, we as a species, have finally run dry of melodies.
However, against all the odds, flying in the face of decency, the track went to number one, making Crosby Stills & Nash fans cry into their morning hemp flakes.
And now Cher Lloyd is going to do it all over again with a song called ‘With Ur Love’. Sadly, the ‘Ur’ doesn’t stand of Underground Resistance. Jarring promotional video is over the jump.
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The hype that surrounds X Factor 2011 is starting to finally quieten down. Unless you live Stateside, in which case, we apologise.
We’ve endured the taunts and teases about which judges would step in for Simon Cowell, Cheryl Cole, Kylie Minogue’s sister. Louis Walsh’s alleged nightclub incident could’ve seen him judging from the cells. The appointments of Tulisa and Gary Barlow made vague sense, but Kelly Rowland? She was basically the backing vocalist to Beyonce in Destiny’s Child.
Because the human race is full of bitter and twisted people, the majority of folk watching X Factor only bother with the audition stages. Here, we can prejudge people based on their appearance, clothing and back story. The judges have passed their verdict on thousands of hopefuls and now it’s off to boot camp. Last year, Cher Lloyd found herself there and paired with Cheryl Cole. She might have been grateful for Cheryl’s guidance then, but times have changed. Cher would have preferred Tulisa from N-Dubz guiding her. Get your claws out.
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Have you ever looked at Simon Cowell and thought to yourself; ‘I’d like to get a load of plastic explosives and blow him and his botoxed face off the face of the Earth, just for giggles’?
Well, that’s exactly what Cheryl Cole did yesterday. Remarkably, she did it with the help of the British Army.
We don’t remember seeing Simon Cowell’s face on the infamous War On Terror playing cards though. Paula Abdul, yes, but no Cowell.
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