Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
There have been brief spells during Cher’s nearly seven decades on this Earth?… wrinkles in time, let’s say … when she'slips?away from the full frontal assault?of being the reigning gay/pop culture den mother and relaxes into her own private shit.
Tragic for us, probably healthy for her … but, inevitably, she garners her strength and pops back up?… full fucking force … and retakes control of the universe.
It's good that the whole Israeli-Palestine thing finished when it did, because it was about to be overshadowed by an even bigger news event. Nobody was going to care about that when they heard the story that everyone on the planet had been waiting for. Hillary Clinton must be a Cher fan, because she got that Middle East shit sorted just in time for the premiere of Her Cher-ness? new track ?Woman?s World?.
Now, the majority of the cynical press – of which I consider myself an integral member – will delight in the fact that a woman of sixty-six is still releasing pop music. They will call her ?old?, ?crusty?, they might even call her ?saggy vagina?. Either way, I doubt that many will look past Cher?s age, facework and sparkly wigs and just comment on the music.?
Cher has a son. He’s called Chaz. Chaz used to be a girl, but now isn’t. And that’s fine because what he looks at when naked in the mirror doesn’t affect anyone but him or who he has sex with. Right? WRONG.
See, America – because it’s filled with judgemental Christian dickheads – completely believes that Chaz Bono’s genitalia it’s everyone business.
That’s why there’s a load of hooting fools all kicking off about Chaz’s appearance on Dancing With the Stars. WHAT WOULD JESUS SAY? You’d hope Jesus would have better things to do with his time than watching dreadful dancing competitions. And Cher? She’s not happy about it at all.
While Cher may have had a few unsightly blips in the timeline of her life – notably being an idiot with regards to her child’s transgenderness and, far far worse, the ‘Believe’ single – she’s absolutely bang on with her observations about Donald Trump.
Sadly, Cher hasn’t gone as far as pointing about that Trump’s haircut looks like it has been back-combed from his anus hairs, all the way up his back, and weaved together atop his elbow scrag head.
She has, however, taken to tweeting that Donald Trump is a “pompous asshole”. There really is no disputing that is there? Cher dated Gene Simmons from Kiss, so she knows a pompous asshole when she sees one. And this all came about after a segment of America decided to make itself look really rather racist.
Without doubt, the stand-out track on the Kill Bill film is Nancy Sinatra’s eerie reading of ‘Bang Bang’. That weird tremelo guitar and super sparse backing, leaving Nancy to emote every single word… it’s a striking and unusual piece of music.
But alas, it wasn’t originally Nancy’s. In fact the song originally belonged to Cher.
Written by Cher’s partner, Sonny Bono, the song isn’t some obscure b-side, but rather, it was Cher’s biggest solo hit of the ’60s, reaching no. 2 in the chart, selling over 3 million copies in the US alone!
We’ve heard a time or two that it’s difficult to be gay. Not only do you have to drink from separate drinking fountains in California, but there’s all that chaffing in really crazy places.
Both of those factors may have contributed to Cher’s daughter Chastity deciding to become Cher’s son Chaz. Let us be clear in stating that we don’t know for sure why Chastity/Chaz is going under the genital-hungry knife. We suspect it’s probably because she just doesn’t want to be gay anymore, and a patch-work penis is her only way to the front of the bus.
There’s never been a perfect Catwoman, and that’s because no Catwoman has ever straddled a cannon and bellowed If I Could Turn Back Time with her arse out.
But that’s potentially going to change with the release of Batman 3, or whatever the sequel to The Dark Knight is going to be called. That’s because, according to The Mirror, Christopher Nolan‘s first choice to play Catwoman is none other than 62-year-old surgically modified warbler Cher.
Phew, and to think that Angelina Jolie was almost Catwoman, too. That would have just been sick.
hecklerspray is on a waiting list three-years long for the privilege of touching some soap that's said to have once washed the velvety-nethers of Louis Farrakhan during the million man march.
And literally during the march too – at the intersection of Pennsylvania Ave & 14th St we heard he just felt sweaty down there. Whether or not we'll ever actually get to touch that soap is unknown to us – we hope so though. We hear it has an incredible lather.
Also, one day we'd really like to touch Cher – if we plan things right we can do it seconds before we touch that soap if you know what we mean. Some drunk in a bar was pretty set on touching her recently – he tried a whole bunch of times.
But alas, destiny was not in his favor, and she stabbed his throat instead.
She didn't stab him. We reiterate – Cher has never stabbed anybody. How could she? Her adult granddaughter was using the steak knife to cut Cher's meat into more age-friendly sizes.
Cher can cut her own meat. We reiterate – Cher can cut her own meat.
