Cher Lloyd, you remember her don’t you? She’s that one what didn’t win the X Factor and is still famous for some reason despite not having actually done anything to earn it.

Well, she’s back in the news this week after accusing new X Factor judge Tulisa off of the N-Dubz of secretly being a hermaphrodite.

Lloyd was quoted as saying that Contos… Contstav… Tulisa has, “got balls,” a revelation that is sure to send the N-Dubz star nuts.

The N-Dubz and X Factor management teams had, until now, done a remarkable job keeping Tulisa’s alleged acorns under wraps and, with the death of the News of the World, may have thought that said balls would never have seen the light of day.

One possible reason for the slip could be that Cher Lloyd has just released her debut single, the bizarrely titled Swagger Jagger, and needed to stir up a bit of controversy so that people remember who she is.

But why pick on poor, sweet Tulisa, what has she ever done eh? Apart from steal (Lloyd’s X Factor mentor) Cheryl Cole’s job and singlehandedly destroy her life, forcing our Chezza to reconcile with former hubby and renowned love rat/careless pellet gun owner, Ashley.

Tulisa has yet to react to Lloyd’s allegation, which is a shame, as we here at hecklerspray do love it when Tulisa goes off on one of her, allegedly testosterone fuelled, rants.

We’ll all just have to wait and see whether or not Tulisa’s N-Dublets ever get revealed to the world, but we can’t help but think that if they do get some airtime on the X-Factor we’ll immediately be asked which one we want to vote off, resulting in the most awkward and yet oddly compelling sing off in the history of TV talent shows.

Wait, we’ve got the wrong end of the stick here, haven’t we?

Balls.

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Cheryl Cole must be practising her best disappointed / all out of love face in the mirror again, because on again, off again, on again, off again, on again (off again?) ex-husband Ashley Cole is facing fresh allegation that as a single man he has slept with a lady or two, you know, cause he likes women and their vaginas.

After their divorce last year Cheryl has been linked to bleached blonde, male dancer Derek Hough (it might be fair to say she has a type) while Ashley has been free to run around playing with his phone and shooting work experience boys with air rifles. How manly of him.

It must have been this display of pure brute macho-ism that attracted Chezza back to Ashley, she is, after all, from Newcastle; and naturally the papers have been rife with rumours of weddings and babies and other things to distract people from the fact that golden girl Cheryl has been sacked from not one, but two major television shows in the space of a week.

So it should come to the surprise of no one that Ashley seems to have been scoring on and off the pitch… with ladies… you know, women, with breasts and female reproductive organs, just the way he likes them; and not been faithful to his ex wife, the naughty ladies man that he is.

One of the said vagina owners, model Colette McBarron, is believed to have been trying desperately to avoid been ousted as one of Ashley’s conquests. You know how those buxom blonde models hate being linked to Premiership footballers, nightmare, eh?

According to the Sun, the “Irish babe” has decided to “wait and see what happens” while more ladies come forward saying Ashley has scored in their goal. Goal meaning vagina. ‘Cos he likes those.

One source has said: “There are so many rumours flying around about Ashley – she can only keep her head down and avoid the publicity.”

Collette now joins the esteemed club of young women Ashley has ravaged, including air hostess Kerry Meades and US model Jessyca Rayanne, all of whom have said to they had flings with Ashley shortly before Mr & Mrs Cole are said to have got back together at her 28th birthday party earlier this month.

Oh Ashley, you crazy vagina loving ladies man, what will you get up to next? More vagina we assume. What a card.

This was an article by Ruairidh Pritchard who, if he survives the Chinese Water Torture that we’re currently subjecting him to, might be doing some more work for us.

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Many of the UK’s “press outlets” have been reporting the reunion of Cheryl “Beat up a woman in a toilet” Cole and Ashley “shot a work experience kid with an air gun” Cole today. This is, to the tabloids, a moment on par with the a renunion of Big Ears from Noddy & the ‘Queen of Hearts’. To readers of The Sun, that’s pretty much what this is.

Of course, hecklerspray would be remiss in its duty as the last bastion of celebrity “commentators” if we didn’t scream our glassy-eyed opinion straight down the smoking barrel of the internet straight into the faces of people who either adore the couple on a level that is painful and embarrassing or hate them in equal measure. You might be wondering what our collective opinion of the couple is; wonder on readers. Wonder on.

With newspaper reports suggesting that Cheryl will walk down the aisle with Ashley once again, speculation has surfaced as to what their intentions are.

With Cheryl’s embarrassing, potentially career harming and fundamentally random removal from the X Factor USA judging panel has seen her profile slip slightly and as for Cashley (sorry… Ashley), the last time he made it into a glossy magazine it was when rumours abounded the last time they were supposed to be getting back together.

Subsequently, more rumours about the couple have surfaced revealing that they want to start a family within the next two years as well as an interview with Mister Cole claiming that people should judge him as a footballer and not on the spurious stories about his private life. That is the sign of a man who would love people to care enough about him to read the spurious reports about his private life.

According to the Sun, the couple, who reportedly spent the whole weekend together, have told friends of their plans to be pregnant between now and 2013. However, it appears as though Cheryl and Ashley are the only ones who are excited about their new(ish) life together after Cheryl’s mum and Girls Aloud band mates, Nicole Roberts and Kimberly Walsh, expressed their reservations.

A source, invented by the tabloids to shift more of their terrible rags, revealed:

“Cheryl’s bloody-minded and has made her decision. Her pals have told her, but she’s been stubborn. She just wants to be happy again.”

Here at hecklerspray, we can’t wait to hear that Cheryl’s pregnant- there’s nothing we like more than picking on a pregnant woman- but perhaps Ashley will suggest they use a surrogate mother that he ‘prepared earlier’?

Chelsea and England football captain John Terry has been caught red-handed parking in a disabled bay.

According to The Sun, John Terry (Grandma Hecklerspray always said to never trust man with two first names) parked his Bentley (Grandma Hecklerspray always said that people who drove Bentley's were nob-heads) illegally outside Pizza Express in Esher, Surrey, for about two whole hours.

So while he and his 'holier-than-disabled' family perused the menu, a cavalcade of disabled drivers drove endlessly around and around the streets of Esher desperately looking for a place to park, crying tears of disabled despair.

One of these drivers, Mungo, 32, from Bexhill-on-Sea, was so enraged that he choked to death on his own foam. Mungo was later found resurrected and fictitious.

When Terry finished his meal he no doubt had a poo, before returning to find a £60 fine left under the wiper-blade of his car by one of Britain's heroic traffic wardens. He didn't even have the common decency to feign a limp or an epi on the way.

According to reports, Terry dropped his trousers and pants, placed his penis into the palm of his hand and pissed £60 pound into it. He then wheel-span away with the most evil laugh he could muster and flipped the bird at a nearby Scope.

You see, Terry makes a reported £135,000 a week. That's £135,000-a-week. The man is a walking advert for the moral decline inevitable in a capitalist society. Stalin would never had let this happen, that's all we're saying.

Last night an aide said Terry was sorry and pledged never to do it again. Tell it to Mungo, Terry. Tell it to Mungo's grieving family.

Read more: Footie Ace Parks In Disabled Bay – The Sun