Hello soap fans!! Missed us? No, we didn’t give you a second thought either but now that we’ve just about recovered from Pat’s quick, yet annoyingly drawn out death, we’re back to spoil everything for you and tell you what’s going to happen this week. But first here’s a little catch up.
Did we mention that Pat was dead? Well she is. Her last moments were spent in bed with a soaking wet Michael French shouting “MUM!” 2cm from her face, weighed down by monstrous earrings, desperately clinging to a script that would never end while the country secretly wished that David Essex would appear from the wardrobe singing ‘Oh What a Circus.’
Sadly, not even fake son number 2 Nick Berry could be bothered to turn in the Vic and play ‘Every Loser Wins’ on the piano so off she popped and now we all have the funeral to look forward to (40 sodding minutes of funeral time on Friday viewers. You have been warned.)
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It’s spoiler time again people, which will either ruin your week and send you into a murderous rage or you’ll thank us very sweetly like the hideous Munchkins that you are. Either is fine with us.
This week, there’s so much going on in Eastenders that we’ve decided to say “BALLS!” to the other soaps and shower you with events from the very real and not at all fictional Albert Square.
And no, you’re not allowed to complain. YOU ARE FORBIDDEN.
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It’s time to visit Soapland again as we know this is the only thing that makes your miserable existence bearable. We even caught Matthew Laidlow trying to bribe fellow writer Joanna Bolouri with cake and even violence in the hope she’d reveal the whereabouts of David Essex since his departure.
He’s still recovering in hospital as she takes Soaps even more seriously that you losers do.
First up it’s Eastenders where it’s Yasmin’s first birthday party and as Christian has never missed a party in his life, he buys her a card and teddy, hoping to get an invite. Realising that Christian is only using her daughter’s party as an excuse to get on the good foot, Amira tells Syed he’s not welcome and Syed secretly puts his plans to backflip naked onto Christian on hold.
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This week we’re dedicating the entire spoilers section to Eastenders! Why? We have no idea but there’s so much going on we literally wet our pants writing this.
First up on Albert Square, the next story line destined to drag out for at least 17 years continues with Amira using her daughter Yasmin to manipulate ex husband Syed for reasons still unknown to everyone, even the writers.
Ben spots them playing happy families in the park and tells Christian who takes off his white vest and thinks Ben is a specky liar but doesn’t tell him that because he’s too busy frowning and flexing in his direction. A sexually frustrated Ben then asks hecklerspray writer Joanna Bolouri to help him out by opening a cafe, where Syed and Amira will rendezvous, allowing Christian to catch them at it. Hoping this will speed up this stupid plot, she readily agrees.
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Despite spending most of the week choosing fancy pants to wear to the Cosmo Blog Awards, fighting over who gets to shave that evening with the communal razor and getting really, really drunk with happiness, we’ve still had time to hold Soap writers hostage in our bedsit and demand they tell us what’s happening in Soapsville this week or we’d show them Matthew Laidlow’s bed sheets.
They quickly told us everything.
EVERYTHING.
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hecklerspray went into mourning last week when we discovered that David Essex had left Eastenders. There was drinking, swearing, Michael Park wrote some terrible poetry and Mof Gimmers sang ‘Hold Me Close’ while crying over a really old copy of Smash Hits. It wasn’t pretty.
We couldn’t even mention the word ‘Soaps’ without one of the writers sobbing uncontrollably, let alone write about them, so we had a break.
But with help from our friends, some spiritual guidance and a great big bag of drugs, we’re back and ready to spoil your viewing pleasure once again.
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Gosh, can you believe it’s been a whole week since we last vomited Soap news into your laps? Well it has. Deal with it. We’re glad you didn’t bother washing those trousers as here it comes again you miserable lot!
In Eastenders this week Masood tells Zainab he wants a divorce because that’s what you do when your wife tries to kill herself isn’t it? Not according to Tanwar who tells his father what a big swine he is and demands he stay married to the stress monkey because Allah says so. Meanwhile Zainab can’t remember a bloody thing but is still determined to make food for everyone on an hourly basis and tell everyone who’ll listen that Masood is her husband.
We know, shurrupalready.
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We know that some all of our readers are unhinged enough to believe that the Land of Soaps is actually a real place, filled with real people who face real problems every day and as we’re really quite mischievous we’ll play along with this batshitcrazy idea.
Besides, we’ve got nothing else to do since Sophie Hall put her giant foot through our telly when Gary Barlow didn’t wear the gloves she knitted for him on X-Factor this week.
Off we go to Eastenders where Darren, once voted ‘Most unlikely to ever get laid’ by everyone with working eyes wakes up nestled in the fringe of Lauren who’s probably still drunk from the night before.
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