Remember when Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker was caught shagging that model he met at his wedding?

Well unremember it. It didn't happen. Yes, we know that X17 - the website that broke the story - published all sorts of saucy text messages allegedly from Tony Parker to this model, but they were faked. X17 has admitted that it was all twaddle of the highest order.

So how has X17 chosen to apologise for all the stress it's caused Eva Longoria and Tony Parker? By mumbling the most underwhelming apology in history. But at least it's an apology - we're still waiting for X17 to say sorry for making us think about Eva Longoria for any more than we absolutely have to.

Ashley Cole is about to pay the heaviest price for his infidelities so far - his skinny wife is banning him from having it off with her.

Just because Cheryl Cole has taken Ashley Cole back after his constant cheating, it doesn't mean that she's a complete pushover - she's apparently slapped him with a six-month sex ban.

Genius. It's obvious that if you stop having sex with a man who has a known history of shagging other women, he definitely won't go out and shag the first fake-tanned slapper he sees in the first pikey nightclub he goes to. That's a flipping certainty. Someone should give Cheryl Cole a medal.

Cheryl Cole - Girls Aloud's most ferociously forthright member - has apparently cracked and got back together with her cheating husband Ashley Cole.

According to reports, Cheryl Cole took Ashley Cole back during their make or break crisis summit earlier in the week, and now they'll live happily ever after. Apart from her, because she'll have probably turned into a full-blown quivering paranoid wreck before the month is out.

But, hey, there's a moral to this - it's OK to nationally humiliate your wife by throwing up on a variety of other women during sex, because she'll inevitably take you back afterwards. But only so long as you're quite rich. 

If Jamie Lynn Spears' life was an episode of Maury - which it isn't, yet - it'd probably be called I'm A Pregnant Teenager And My Boyfriend Cheated On Me Even Though I Don't Know If He's The Father Or Not Yet.

Because, keen to make sure she lives up to the staggering level of personal ineptitude that her big sister is so fond of, Jamie Lynn Spears is determined to make her pregnancy one of the worst stage-managed in all of history. We've already had the outrage about Jamie Lynn Spears getting pregnant at 16, then the outrage about statutory rape, and now it's time for some fresh outrage, this time about the way that Jamie Lynn Spears' boyfriend Casey Aldridge is a 'lying cheating dog' who can't stop getting other girls pregnant. Not enough for you? OK, well what about Jamie Lynn Spears not knowing if Casey Aldridge is actually the father of her baby anyway? Better? Thought so.