cheat - HecklerSpray

Gwyneth Paltrow Is So Dull She Gets Excited By English Pharmacies

March 30th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Gwyneth Paltrow has a tedious life. She’s married to Chris Martin from Coldplay for a kick-off. As such, she’s taken to standing in pharmacies in England and getting so excited that she could potentially soil herself.

No, we’re not twisting her words. She actually gets excited by chemists.

So is she getting in a tizz over those lollipops you can buy that act like slide whistles? Or does she like standing on those big old-fashioned scales by the front door? Not a chance. Remember, we’re dealing with a bore here.

Gwyneth Paltrow Angrily Mutters About Pointless Cookbook

March 19th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

It must be terrible being Gwyneth Paltrow. Not only is your own singing career as dubious as your husband’s, but you’re also a lousy actress and pious cook. It’s like Linda McCartney never died at all.

Looking at the cookbook, Paltrow has been accused of not exactly writing it herself.

Not that anyone on this godforsaken planet actually cares one iota. Apart from Gwyneth herself of course, and a handful of sadsacks who follow the Martin-Paltrows moves to compensate for a lack of beige in their lives.

Who Cheated On Gwyneth Paltrow?

February 2nd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Imagine being?Gwyneth Paltrow. Awful isn’t it? All that self-serving hippie-dippy nonsense floating around your head telling you how wonderfully wonderful you are. All the while, Chris Martin gazes at you lovingly like a kindly priest longing after a crumpet.

BLECCH.

Never mind that though because we’re interested in pain! Paltrow’s pain specifically! So join us now in a game of WHO CHEATED ON GWYNETH PALTROW AND CAN YOU BLAME THEM?

So, What’s All This Hulk Hogan Gay Business Then?

December 13th, 2011 By hecklerspray staff

For years now, butch gay men have been modelling themselves on Hulk Hogan. Handlebar moustache? Check. Tight t-shirt with the sleeves cut off? Check. Flings with musclebound studs called Brutus Beefcake? Check?

Wait, what?

Yes, according to Hogan?s estranged wife Linda, Terrance Gene ?Hulk Hogan? Bollea had an affair with the aforementioned Mr Beefcake, a.k.a. Ed Leslie. The claims emerged in her recent book: ?Wrestling the Hulk?, which, incidentally is also the name of an obscure sexual practice featuring three men in ripped trousers and a vat of green paint.

Hulk Hogan Is Taking A Pasting Over His Apparent Wandering Member

June 29th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Everyone has got it in for Hulk Hogan at the moment. Ultimate Warrior (real name, ‘Warrior’ – no seriously) did a video sneering at the Hulkster and now, Linda Hogan is taking shots at the moustachioed baby-oil loving grappler.

Linda Hogan has made some pretty shocking claims in her new book Wrestling the Hulk: My Life Against the Ropes, but gave out some more elbow-drops on an American chatshow that you don’t need to know the name of.

Basically, while we’ll concede that no relationship is ever perfect, Hulk Hogan seems to have had a relationship that is incredibly odd indeed. Not surprising from a man who has earned his living by running around in his underpants and pretending to fight other men in the most homoerotic spectacle since Shaq took a bath with eight sirloin steaks.

Ashton Kutcher And His Allegedly Sociable Glans

September 23rd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

When the 16-year-old Ashton Kutcher started dating the 86-year-old Demi Moore everyone raised an eyebrow briefly, before realising that things like this happen all the time and there really was very little of interest about the pair.

Unless, of course, you imagined Bruce Willis going round every night to kick his arse like we did.

However, things are getting vaguely interesting now because there’s potential misery involved and, like most humans, there’s nothing we like more than seeing people who are richer and more talented than us suffer for absolutely no reason.

Peter Cook Blames Christie Brinkley For Him Shagging That Girl

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This just in – Peter Cook is a legend. An absolute dyed-in-the-wool cast iron legend that every man on Earth should regard as a hero.

Why? Because even though Peter Cook’s supermodel wife Christie Brinkley recently divorced him after he a) had it off with a teenager he met in a toystore and b) started spending $3,000 a month on internet pornography, Peter Cook says that the divorce was absolutely not his fault at all.

Better still, Peter Cook blames the divorce squarely on Christie Brinkley, because she didn’t thank him for being him as much as he wanted. Peter Cook said all this in an interview with Barbara Walters in an effort to stop him being branded as a “scumbag pervert.” And we’re pretty sure he’s got his wish – we believe the term is “egomaniac scumbag pervert dimwit” now.

David Blaine Idiot Update: He Won’t Pee On Himself For You

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We take back everything we ever said about David Blaine – staying upside down for 60 hours is an incredible feat of endurance.

At least we presume it is. And David Blaine probably presumes the same thing, too, because it’s not like he’d know what being upside down for 60 hours is actually like or anything. You see, it’s emerged that David Blaine actually gives himself two 10-minute breaks every hour where he can drop to the ground and have a bit of a rest. Why? Because – and this is true – David Blaine finds weeing upside down slightly uncomfortable.

Still, never one to bow to his detractors, David Blaine will end his stunt tonight and immediately begin training for his next stunning feat of endurance. We hear it involves him spending 45 minutes in a luxury hotel suite being fed peeled grapes by a cluster of top supermodels while Angelina Jolie occasionally dabs single beads of sweat from his brow with a tuft of unicorn fur. Truly, that man is a machine.

Jennifer Aniston Still a ‘Lady’, John Mayer Keeps Moths in His Wallet

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

John Mayer has, rather unsurprisingly, been using his breakup with Jennifer Aniston to get himself a nice big slice of publicity.

It’s not that we didn’t expect him to go down that route, but it does still irritate when it actually happens. After all, he is still a dull nobody that would have faded into obscurity had he kept his mouth shut about the relationship and consequent split.

So obviously he’s gone for the old ‘talk about her to the press in an annoying fashion, just so people don’t forget who I am for at least two extra weeks, and places like that amazing hecklerspray.com will write about me again’ route that so many ineffectual Z-listers opt for.

Well we won’t, John Mayer. We wo… oh. We have. Bugger.

Jessica Simpson & Tony Romo Still Refusing To Die With Dignity

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It’s been eight or nine seconds since our last Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo update, so you’re probably flapping about like a cold turkey junkie desperate for more.

No? You’re not? Your interest in Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo’s relationship is completely casual and you can stop reading about them any time you want? Stop kidding yourself, you’ve got a problem. Listen, if you’re not addicted to Jessica Simpson news, then try not to read the next paragraph.

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo were spotted out eating dinner last weekend, prompting speculation that their relationship is back on. Yeah, that’s right. We knew you’d read it. And we haven’t even got to the part about Jessica Simpson apparently cheating on Tony Romo with Jared Leto, either. Addict.