Okay. Hands up. Who’s missed Cheryl Cole? Hello? Did you hear us? Why can we hear tendons snapping? Well – erm – YOU’RE IN LUCK!

For that X Factor Expert and all round amazing woman what is good at chatting to people on strange curved sofas that don’t exist anywhere except post-watershed Channel 4 programmes has ‘reportedly’ (and Jesus Christ, we use that term lightly, this story was pulled from Star Magazine, where half the office are frequented by Nick Hardman’s idea of what women look like, and the rest: Frogs) agreed to be the face of a new late night chat show, like that time they did it with Charlotte Church, as part of the What To Do With Down to Earth Welsh People Scheme of 2006.

Anyway, the consensus seems to be it’s going to be a show kind of on the same lines.

Provisionally titled (Re: grasping wildly in the dark) ‘Late Night With Cheryl’, the show is promised by Mr T.V Insider:

‘They know she’ll be a massive ratings winner and is the perfect fit to pull in amazing guests.’

Well that’s put our mind at rest. FOREVER. And this ‘amazing guests’ thing – Graham Norton’s going to be kicking himself later.  So, yeah. This is happening apparently. Alongside that film career (WHAT? Don’t get upset at us, we didn’t do it!) she’s apparently having this year too, as it is paramount to heave multitudes of success on The Woman With Cheekbones and how brilliant it is that she has cheekbones, and how she should ultimately just have everything she wants time and time over until we can begin to try and fathom a world where a Geordie accent comes out of shiny haired people with teeth.

TEETH.

So there you go. Another one of those Balls of Fury/Rudetube dimly lit viral shows about hashtagging and pictures of celebrities is on it’s merry way to us, probably-not-really, with the crucial ingredient of Cheryl Cole’s wry voiceover FINALLY sought at last. We’re sure it’ll be like the dimly lit viral chatshow about hashtagging and pictures of celebrities that Chris Morris never had.

Still it’s not going to be as bad as when Peaches Geldof did it, because humanity can only achieve so much, or wear so many brogues that we’re all going to stand around and take pictures of later in a satanic circle in Camden Market whilst saying things like, “Hey! Did you hear about that guy who married a pillow? Yeah, Shaznay reblogged it whilst I was touching her thigh last night listening to related artists of The Big Pink.’

Sorry, we were talking about something.  Oh, it was Cheryl Cole wasn’t it? Maybe we should just stop talking.

Someone needs to get Oh My God Trampoline Guy an agent before this all gets out of hand.

Charlotte Church likes a drink. She’s by no means an alcoholic, but she doesn’t half like a night out on the tiles. However, sometimes, you can stick a bit too much booze away and end up making a fool of yourself.

When you’re a celebrity, it isn’t advisable that you get so drunk that you do stupid things because the caring general public are likely to whip out their phones and film you acting the goat.

And in the case of our Charlotte, she’s been allegedly filmed with her underpants around her ankles… and yes… we’ve got a grotty picture of said event.

A new video has emerged, over at The Sun (soon to go 7-days-a-week no doubt after the world hounded the News of the World into a hilarious extinction) which APPARENTLY (we have to say this for legal reasons, especially given that images and articles about this particular story are vanishing from the internet like nobodies business) shows Charlotte Church with her scads halfway down her legs.

The video shows two people getting off with each other against a van… the kind of clinch that leaves you with your pants around your ankles. Brilliantly, Church was then led back to the party without pulling her grundies up.

It’s like being back at the school discos isn’t it? We heartily approve of this behaviour, whoever it is.

A fellow reveller says:

“I couldn’t believe it. She clearly had no shame. The pair started getting amorous like teenagers – until someone came past. She was so drunk she couldn’t even pull her knickers up. She almost fell over.”

How great is that? All celebrities should do things like this. It’s fantastically trashy and low-budget behaviour.

Anyway, here’s a snap of what is thought to be Charlotte Church, wobbling around with her pants down.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Hello there reader. By any chance do you happen to be an egg chaser? What’s that? You are! How bloody excellent, you probably fit into the 9% of the population who can name more than one rugby player who isn’t Johnny Wilkinson or Gavin Henson. The only time the country cares about rugby is when the national team is about to win something and ironically the sport has better achievement rates than football.

But then again, fans of football look down on rugby lovers as they see it as inferior sport. Probably how doctors secretly mock vets for not being good enough to operate on humans.

These days, the only real household name associated with That Stupid Sport is Gavin Henson. He was once married to opera singer turned pop princess Charlotte Church. Unfortunately, the couple didn’t last and soon split. So what’s the best method to find a new partner? Seek the advice of friends of family? Or make a tit of yourself on a copied version of an American TV show? You can see where this is going can’t you?

If you clicked the jump to find out the answer, then you’ll probably be disappointed. Gavin Henson won’t be asking his mum what shirt goes well with stone washed denim jeans when it comes to impressing a girl down the local disco. After all, he is a D-list celebrity and is now hell-bent on finding any grain of work after having to put up with Charlotte Church for however long they were together.

We’re not sure what attracted Henson and Church to each other. They’re both from Wales, so could it be that some sort of law that stops breeding with other nations so the national accent can’t be lost? Charlotte was once an angelic church singer who gave performances for presidents and other world leaders. Then she got older and discovered the joys of the pub. Presumably, a more grown up Charlotte wanted to venture in to pastures new and decided to sing pop songs. This worked for a while, and then her career collapsed like an old lung.

This left poor Gavin looking for something else to keep his weird face in the spotlight. Step forward, reality TV!

For anyone unfamiliar with The Bachelor, it’s basically an American dating show where Gavin Henson looks to pick the right girl. Hilariously, there are 25 of the critters to pick from, so expect crying, bitching and fights as all the ladies backstab and scheme in order to get their man who they love and are not solely going after then for fame, money or a spread in Zoo Magazine.

For anyone that’s seen A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila, the show will be like that, just without the lesbians. Though somebody might be persuaded by a producer to indulge in some lesbian experimentation, after all the show is being broadcast on Channel 5. No doubt the program will be billed as “edgy”, “exciting” and “fast paced.” In reality, we’ll gain more pleasure from whipping our genitals with barbed wire.

In case you care, Henson lied through his veneered teeth:

“I’m so excited to have been cast as The Bachelor as I really feel the time is right for me to find a girl to hopefully spend the rest of my life with. I’ve always been dedicated to my rugby and continue to train hard but as the season draws to an end I can focus on meeting the right girl. It can be hard in my situation to meet women and The Bachelor will give me the unique opportunity to go on some incredible dates and spend quality time getting to know amazing women from all over the UK.”

We’ll give any romance that blossoms from this grim program around two weeks before it wilts and dies. Unfortunately, it’ll also mean an eruption of Charlotte Church quotes as she slags off Gavin Henson for doing this project and she’ll no doubt call the chosen girl an ugly munter and complain that she isn’t as pretty as her.

We don’t know when this arrives to Channel 5. And we don’t care, so tough.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Many of today’s ‘slebs employ massive entourages of big burly security men to protect them from the outside world.  Which is, of course, filled with vicious, drooling, semi-morons who care capable of doing anything from asking for an autograph to decapitation followed by a helping of necrophilia.

And today the world becomes a much scarier place for the world’s spotlight dwellers.

hecklerspray can reveal that Charlotte Church narrowly survived an attempt on her life.  Friends of the shouty welsh mum-of-two said Church was “lucky to be alive” after the lucky escape in her £1.3million mansion.

The sneak attack was revealed by Church’s Grandfather, who we assume, is some sort of Welsh ninja, training in TomJonesitsufu and hiding in his coal mine lair munching on cheese and leek toasties.

Grandpop Church used his kung fu fighting with expert timing to suggest that Chruch’s persistant headaches were the result of Carbon Monoxide poisoning.  It was a little bit frightening.

A source close to Church said something about her house being really big and pretty while we daydreamed a bit more about kung-fu Granddad

“Charlotte was terrified when she found out what had been happening. Charlotte is probably lucky that the house is so big and airy.”

The culprit, identified by Granddad, was revealed to be some sort of new super villain called The Boiler. Information is sketchy about who The Boiler is and what his motives are. However, we can reveal that this is not the first time he has struck.

At some point last year the dastardly baddie was found to have launched a similar attack on Girl Aloud’s Nadine Coyle, who we think survived, even though we’ve not heard from her in a while. Coyle apparently had something similar at her big pretty house in California.

But whatever,  The Boiler is still on the loose, free to strike at more C-list ‘slebs as he chooses.

Who can stop this reign of evil? Who will be next? Is anyone with a once mediocre but now rapidly fading career in the public eye safe?

Stay tuned to hecklerspray for more ADVENTURES OF CHARLOTTE CHURCH’S GRANDDAD!!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Charlotte Church has got a new pop LP coming out later this year and, like the last one, it has a stupid name. It will no doubt be a self confessional affair because she split up with a rugby player and pop stars love bleeding their rings about personal issues don’t they? Unless, of course, a paper is trying to coax it out of them.

The new long-player is called Back To Scratch and will be available to steal on torrent sites from November 1st. Of course, you could spend money on it and buy it, but no-one bothers these days do they? Apart from me, because I’m a mug.

And it does look like it will be all emotional and shit.

The 14-tracker has been produced by some bloke you’ve never heard of called Martin Terefe. Martin Terefe’s mother hasn’t even heard of him.

However, this man has a CV that read ‘Simpering soul searching’ or, if you prefer, he’s worked with James Morrison, KT Tunstall and Jason Mraz. He also wrote some of the songs that appeared on James Blunt’s Back To Bedlam.

Jesus. I bet he wants to give you a hug all the time.

The album was written, in part, over in Nashville with country songwriters Luke Laird and Patrick Davis, while Welsh singer-songwriter Jonathan Powell and Irish acoustic duo New Druids have also contributed.

It isn’t getting any better is it?

Back To Scratch will be preceded by a single, the album’s  eponymous track. Apparently, it was inspired “by problems facing a family member”.

If you’re at all arsed, there’s a video featuring a snippet of another song from the album, ‘Snow’, is currently streaming on the singer’s official website.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

First it was Mark Owen, and to be frank that was bad enough for one year.

Now it’s Ronan Keating – news that made a legion of women squirt tea through their nostrils in utter horror. Water coolers in offices up and down the country were working overtime as hoards of distressed ladies tried to make sense of the fact that two of pop’s squeakiest, cleanest, and ‘devoted’ men had well and truly screwed up.

Even those lucky enough to be in a relationship found themselves lying awake at night wondering what could be happening, taking swabs from their spouse’s shirts because that red wine stain just might be lipstick. And now Charlotte Church and her orange walnut of a fiance have split up, too. Is nobody safe?

We’ve had to deal with Sandra Bullock and Jesse James this year, and the claims that he just couldn’t keep it in his pants either. Deeply depressing.

And we won’t even touch down on Tiger Woods, when that hit we were still licking our wounds from the Rebecca Loos/David Beckham fiasco, and they took an unusually long time to heal.

Thank God Cheryl finally gave Ashley Cole the PVC stilletoed boot up the jacksy where it firmly belongs, even she couldn’t be bothered to fight for that love.

Now, it’s poster couple Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson, who have announced they will go their separate ways just weeks after the square-shouldered jock got down on one knee. Reportedly no one else was involved in the split, so that’s some comfort at least.

But please, no more. Writers at Heat magazine are bloody tired and divorce lawyers are turning to energy shots and dib dabs to get through their extra long days. Each new report is a further nail in the coffin for those who hope that a long-lasting marriage is actually possible without these incredibly blessed men dropping their pants at every opportunity.

And why is it that they always downgrade?

They have these beautiful, talented women by their side, but yet they are getting jiggy with their children’s nannies or some ropey club-hopping bint who put it all on a plate for a glass of Lambrini. Next we will find out that Ken was playing away on Barbie with a Bratz doll, or Cinderella’s handsome prince was getting it on with Snow White all along.

Please celebs, try and hold it together – and not just for the kids.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Charlotte ‘Oooh! Hasn’t She Lost Some Weight?’ Church has built a pub in her garden so, presumably, she can get dog-drunk and take a slash in a nearby hedge without fear of passing strangers throwing pint glasses at her head and singing ‘Crazy Chick’ at her whilst she farts the Welsh national anthem.

Well, that’s what we’d do if we had the chance.

Yep, the singer turned chatshow host turned baby making device isn’t happy enough with her folks owning a boozer and has built one of her own for the sake of that most precious of commodities for the sleb – privacy.

The popera singer likes to get lashed with Gavin Henson (aka Mrs Charlotte Church) but she’s pig-sick of us plebs running after her and taking pictures of her being leathered on our mobile phones. She’s got a point. Hecklerspray staff have all got a video each of Church puking up rice dyed with blue WKDs. It’s mandatory to catch your own footage if you want to work here.

Okay, that’s clearly not true.

So instead of running the gauntlet around Cardiff city centre (a hellish experience if ever there was one), her and her beau have created a pub in the grounds of their £800,000 farmhouse.

Church says:

“I don’t like going into town any more as everybody’s got camera phones and knows how to sell a story about me.”

“If we’re out and think it’s getting a bit raucous, we’ll take the party back to the bar in our garden instead.”

In fairness to Church, the press went a bit mental focusing on her nights out which would invariably see people referring to her as a ‘wild child’ and gasping in astonishment that someone might possibly drink a bit too much and then end up having an embarrassing squabble with their partner, invariably referred to as a ‘bust-up’.

It’s pretty obvious that every single reader of Hecklerspray is a hopeless alcoholic who shouts wildly at passers-by, throwing their phones at walls whilst having massive hissy-fits only to be later found weeping and covered in detritus in the nation’s kebab shops.

And while we all drink ourselves yellow, Church and her Welsh rugby star boyfriend are actually calming down. Presumably because they’ve got kiddiewinks now.

‘We do go out occasionally. Actually, I’ll be honest, it’s about once every two weeks.”

“Gavin and I still haven’t quite learned to drink responsibly. It might happen one day.”

So there you have it. A moral at the end of a non-story. Charlotte Church in Drinks Just Like You Do Shocker! What a failing species we are.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Right, everyone needs to calm down. CALM DOWN! JUST RELAX! Breathe. That’s it. Breathe. Relax your mind, calm your addled nerves with a nice green tea or a cuddle with a bosomy fat person.

Feeling better? Good. Now, try and maintain your calm, because it’s important. Otherwise this whole Liam Gallagher versus Peter Kay thing could escalate, and no one wants to have to go through the whole Biggie and Tupac debacle. Not again.

The north of England will, of course, be divided – some flashing ‘knobhead’ signs at one another, in honour of Peter Kay’s aside when the Oasis man attempted to look like a rock star by throwing his award into a stage school student’s face. Whilst the rest will be miming the throwing incident, then probably high fiving/kissing one another. This, people, is exactly how gang warfare starts.

So, as a means of terrifying you with the harsh reality of exactly what can happen as a result of a celebrity feud, below are some recent examples. If you scare easily, you should probably stop reading right now, and go and read a romantic novel or something. This isn’t for the faint hearted…Cheryl Cole versus Charlotte Church

Otherwise known as ‘the day pop music died’, this began when Cheryl Cole (or as she was known then, ‘Cheryl Tweedy’) made some catty remark about the opera singer. Or it might have been the other way round. No one is completely sure. But it’s a damn mess. Both so feminine, so beautiful, but put a few alcoholic lemonades down them, and it’s like Armageddon. Church recently vowed to knock Cheryl out if she sees her, and just by saying that she made everyone in earshot an accomplice to GBH. And, sorry to say it, but by reading this, you’re now an accomplice too. We’re all going to jail!

Paris Hilton versus Nicole Richie

Oh, it was great when they were friends! Particularly when they did that show about going to poor people’s houses to tease the family youngsters to a full erection, before leaving. That was hilarious. So imagine our horror, when Paris said this: “It’s no big secret that Nicole and I are no longer friends. Nicole knows what she did, and that’s all I’m ever going to say about it.” No! What did she do, Paris? Did she hurt you? Tell us! Damn Nicole Richie and her hurtful behaviour…

Eminem versus Mariah Carey

This could have been a marriage made in heaven. Him a rapper from the wrong side of the tracks, her the singing princess who demands that everything always be at room temperature. Especially rooms. Unfortunately, the minute that Eminem suggested that Carey had enjoyed long evenings receiving his drooling tongue, she immediately backtracked, and insisted that no rubbing/smearing had ever taken place between the two. The rapper hit back by featuring some of her sensual voice messages on one of his albums, whilst she put paid to the whole thing by marrying someone. Such a waste.

Shannen Doherty versus Alyssa Milano

Time was when these girls had it all – great looks, big wads of freshly ironed notes shoved in their back pockets, character acting roles in the hit US TV show Charmed. Unfortunately, art decided to imitate life, as the girls morphed into witches, with Milano saying this of her ex-buddy: “Shannen was like a bad roommate. There was a lot of tension on the set. She can be aggressive, so I was afraid of her. I got more hurt than angry.” To which Shannen replied: “Twenty years in this business, and I have only one person who hates me in my life.” Erm, actually Shannen, perhaps make that at least two.

Jennifer Lopez versus Gwyneth Paltrow

Forget what you know about Jennifer Lopez, that woman isn’t the dreamy singer/actress/bottom on your television screen – beneath the kindly veneer beats the heart of a cruel tigress. Like a wrestler picking a fight with an invalid, she once said this of Gwyneth Paltrow: “I don’t remember anything she was in. Some people get hot by association. I heard more about her and Brad Pitt than I ever heard about her work.” Ouch. Of course, Gwyneth has enjoyed the last laugh, because she’s now married to the guy from Coldplay, and has starred in great films, like… erm…

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt, whose Interestment comedy nights are a thing to behold

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Charlotte Church – whom many of you will recognise as a woman who used to be famous – has every reason to celebrate today.

She’s just had a baby. According to reports, Charlotte Church and her boyfriend Gavin Henson have just welcomed their second child, a baby boy, into the world.

Although the baby hasn’t been named yet, reports are suggesting that he’s just like Charlotte Church. Apparently he screams a lot, often seems bewildered, constantly grasps at anything that comes close to him and has a sense of humour that seems to primarily revolve around pooing uncontrollably into his own underwear.

Hey everyone, remember Charlotte Church? Of course you do – she was the little girl with the voice of an angel and the scary red eyes of a habitual alcoholic of no fixed address. You remember – one minute she was performing alongside Pavarotti and the next minute she was stumbling around Cardiff at 3am with her skirt tucked into her knickers trying to get off with the front window of Snappy Snaps.

That was all a long time ago, though. Charlotte Church is no longer the innocent young operatic toddler or the permanently-drunk teenage rebel who once released an album that we’re still convinced was about wanking. Now, you see, Charlotte Church is a mother.

The last interesting thing to happen to Charlotte Church was when she gave birth to a girl in 2007. After that Charlotte Church kind of disappeared from view. Rumour had it that Charlotte Church had decided to live a hermetic life completely off-grid, with both her heat and light requirements being provided by the ridiculous orange skin of her rugby-playing boyfriend Gavin Henson.

But now Charlotte Church is back! She’s back to tell us that, um, she’s had another baby. BBC News reports:

The baby arrived just after midnight and weighed 7lb 5oz. Both mother, 22, and son are said to be “doing just fine”, according to her website. A message was posted on the singer’s website, just before 1430 GMT, saying: “Charlotte has literally just this minute phoned us to let us know that she gave birth to a little boy today. He was born just after midnight at her and Gavin’s home with Gavin in attendance at the birth.”

It’s an exciting time, for sure. We can’t wait to hear more details about Charlotte Church’s new baby boy. Is he like his father in the way that he looks a bit radioactive and it takes him twelve full hours to do his hair properly, or is he like his mother in that he’s been signed to front a series of unfunny television commercials for Virgin Travel? It’s so exciting!

Although not as exciting as the news that Charlotte Church wants six babies in total. Given that she’s averaging about 16 months between babies at the moment, that sort of means that Charlotte Church won’t have enough time to be properly newsworthy until the middle of 2013, hopefully by which time we’ll have been incapacitated by a coronary or something else that means we won’t have to write about her any more.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!