Okay. Hands up. Who’s missed Cheryl Cole? Hello? Did you hear us? Why can we hear tendons snapping? Well – erm – YOU’RE IN LUCK!
For that X Factor Expert and all round amazing woman what is good at chatting to people on strange curved sofas that don’t exist anywhere except post-watershed Channel 4 programmes has ‘reportedly’ (and Jesus Christ, we use that term lightly, this story was pulled from Star Magazine, where half the office are frequented by Nick Hardman’s idea of what women look like, and the rest: Frogs) agreed to be the face of a new late night chat show, like that time they did it with Charlotte Church, as part of the What To Do With Down to Earth Welsh People Scheme of 2006.
Anyway, the consensus seems to be it’s going to be a show kind of on the same lines.
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Charlotte Church likes a drink. She’s by no means an alcoholic, but she doesn’t half like a night out on the tiles. However, sometimes, you can stick a bit too much booze away and end up making a fool of yourself.
When you’re a celebrity, it isn’t advisable that you get so drunk that you do stupid things because the caring general public are likely to whip out their phones and film you acting the goat.
And in the case of our Charlotte, she’s been allegedly filmed with her underpants around her ankles… and yes… we’ve got a grotty picture of said event.
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Hello there reader. By any chance do you happen to be an egg chaser? What’s that? You are! How bloody excellent, you probably fit into the 9% of the population who can name more than one rugby player who isn’t Johnny Wilkinson or Gavin Henson. The only time the country cares about rugby is when the national team is about to win something and ironically the sport has better achievement rates than football.
But then again, fans of football look down on rugby lovers as they see it as inferior sport. Probably how doctors secretly mock vets for not being good enough to operate on humans.
These days, the only real household name associated with That Stupid Sport is Gavin Henson. He was once married to opera singer turned pop princess Charlotte Church. Unfortunately, the couple didn’t last and soon split. So what’s the best method to find a new partner? Seek the advice of friends of family? Or make a tit of yourself on a copied version of an American TV show? You can see where this is going can’t you?
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Many of today’s ‘slebs employ massive entourages of big burly security men to protect them from the outside world. Which is, of course, filled with vicious, drooling, semi-morons who care capable of doing anything from asking for an autograph to decapitation followed by a helping of necrophilia.
And today the world becomes a much scarier place for the world’s spotlight dwellers.
hecklerspray can reveal that Charlotte Church narrowly survived an attempt on her life. Friends of the shouty welsh mum-of-two said Church was “lucky to be alive” after the lucky escape in her £1.3million mansion.
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Charlotte Church has got a new pop LP coming out later this year and, like the last one, it has a stupid name. It will no doubt be a self confessional affair because she split up with a rugby player and pop stars love bleeding their rings about personal issues don’t they? Unless, of course, a paper is trying to coax it out of them.
The new long-player is called Back To Scratch and will be available to steal on torrent sites from November 1st. Of course, you could spend money on it and buy it, but no-one bothers these days do they? Apart from me, because I’m a mug.
And it does look like it will be all emotional and shit. Read More >>>
First it was Mark Owen, and to be frank that was bad enough for one year.
Now it’s Ronan Keating – news that made a legion of women squirt tea through their nostrils in utter horror. Water coolers in offices up and down the country were working overtime as hoards of distressed ladies tried to make sense of the fact that two of pop’s squeakiest, cleanest, and ‘devoted’ men had well and truly screwed up.
Even those lucky enough to be in a relationship found themselves lying awake at night wondering what could be happening, taking swabs from their spouse’s shirts because that red wine stain just might be lipstick. And now Charlotte Church and her orange walnut of a fiance have split up, too. Is nobody safe?
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Charlotte ‘Oooh! Hasn’t She Lost Some Weight?’ Church has built a pub in her garden so, presumably, she can get dog-drunk and take a slash in a nearby hedge without fear of passing strangers throwing pint glasses at her head and singing ‘Crazy Chick’ at her whilst she farts the Welsh national anthem.
Well, that’s what we’d do if we had the chance.
Yep, the singer turned chatshow host turned baby making device isn’t happy enough with her folks owning a boozer and has built one of her own for the sake of that most precious of commodities for the sleb – privacy.
The popera singer likes to get lashed with Gavin Henson (aka Mrs Charlotte Church) but she’s pig-sick of us plebs running after her and taking pictures of her being leathered on our mobile phones. She’s got a point. Hecklerspray staff have all got a video each of Church puking up rice dyed with blue WKDs. It’s mandatory to catch your own footage if you want to work here.
Okay, that’s clearly not true.
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Right, everyone needs to calm down. CALM DOWN! JUST RELAX! Breathe. That’s it. Breathe. Relax your mind, calm your addled nerves with a nice green tea or a cuddle with a bosomy fat person.
Feeling better? Good. Now, try and maintain your calm, because it’s important. Otherwise this whole Liam Gallagher versus Peter Kay thing could escalate, and no one wants to have to go through the whole Biggie and Tupac debacle. Not again.
The north of England will, of course, be divided – some flashing ‘knobhead’ signs at one another, in honour of Peter Kay’s aside when the Oasis man attempted to look like a rock star by throwing his award into a stage school student’s face. Whilst the rest will be miming the throwing incident, then probably high fiving/kissing one another. This, people, is exactly how gang warfare starts.
So, as a means of terrifying you with the harsh reality of exactly what can happen as a result of a celebrity feud, below are some recent examples. If you scare easily, you should probably stop reading right now, and go and read a romantic novel or something. This isn’t for the faint hearted… Read More >>>
