Tonight’s the big night! After approximately most of our entire life, this series of Big Brother will end tonight.

We jest – in all seriousness Big Brother has actually had one of the best years on record. But nobody cares, because hardly anyone watched it and it’s dying soon anyway so what’s the point? Huh? What’s the bloody point point of anything any more?

Anyway, which of the remaining Big Brother housemates will end up winning the prize money, releasing a fitness DVD and embarking on a disastrous pop career? Time to have one final look, we suppose…

David – What? Surely there’s some mistake here. Apparently David is the least likely to win Big Brother tonight. That doesn’t make much sense – are you all watching the same David as we are? The David who introduced himself to the public by bellowing “UP YER FLAPS!” like a sort of furious Nordic walrus? The David who can’t even mention Vivienne Westwood without drooling and figuratively slapping at his genitals? The same David who blunders around the Big Brother house with the exact same Napoleon Dynamite meets Your Nan expression on his face regardless of the situation? Really? You people are weird.

Charlie And Rodrigo – We’re lumping Charlie and Rodrigo together here, because a) neither of them are going to win and b) they’re like two sides of the same psychologically-traumatised coin. They love each other, but they hate each other. They fight, but they kiss. They pour water on one another, but they embark on terrifying 45-minute shriek-rants about it in the Big Brother diary room afterwards. We’d like to say that Charlie and Rodrigo bring out the worst in each other, but that simply isn’t true – because we can barely remember that Charlie even exists at the best of times, even when we’re staring at a photo of his face with his name written all over it.

Siavash – Oh Siavash, so near and yet so far. If only Noirin had decided to give you an emotional kicking three weeks later, you would have waltzed away with the Big Brother prize. But sadly she didn’t – she loved you, ditched you and now you’re forced to repeatedly mumble “Hey, let’s all walk out” to yourself every couple of minutes for entertainment. Where’s the old, fun Siavash? Actually, no, there never really was a fun Siavash, was there? Because, seriously, if you had a functioning personality then you wouldn’t resort to growing a beard that crap, would you?

Dogface – And so to Dogface, or Sophie, or whatever she’s called now. Dogface needs to win Big Brother the least, in fairness – her gigantic boobs have all but ensured that she’ll be a lad’s mag staple for years to come – and yet somehow it looks like she’s going to. We’re going to put a Dogface victory down to the fact that she’s the least objectionable housemate remaining on Big Brother – except for David, obviously, but you idiots obviously can’t see that. However, Dogface does seem to have an inkling that she might win Big Brother – she’s just dumped Kris, and if that isn’t a statement of wanting to keep all her OK! covershoot money for herself, we don’t know what is.

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On Friday, Bea got evicted from the Big Brother house, which isn’t really news because Bea was rubbish.

So what other Big Brother news is there? Well, Big Brother is going for starters, and we’ve decided to take that fact as something between a depressing critique on the state of the nation and a direct personal insult. What else? Nothing. Nothing has happened on Big Brother, in the last few days or ever, frankly.

Nevertheless, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week – Siavash, Charlie and Lisa…

Siavash – Common consensus is that Siavash is the housemate most likely to win Big Brother this year, but that’s bollocks isn’t it? It’s got to be – what does he actually do? Seriously, because we’d love to know. Noirin isn’t twisting him into emotional pretzels any more, Cairon isn’t drawing faces on his arse any more, and frankly he’s the least convincing flamboyant Jesus bear we’ve ever had the misfortune to witness. Literally the only thing going for Siavash is his constant refusal to nominate anybody. And that hardly makes him Ghandi, does it? Ghandi had better hair. Buck your ideas up, Siavash.

Charlie - Big Brother has long since stopped being popular enough to warrant Princess Nikki-style reality spin-offs, and that’s a real shame. Admittedly it’s only a shame because we desperately want to see what happens to Charlie and Rodrigo after the Big Brother final, but what’s so wrong with that? If their life outside of the Big Brother house even remotely echoes their life inside it, every episode of their show would be guaranteed to feature at least two of the following: 1) an awkward, emotionally backwards under-the-duvet embrace, 2) a moment of friendly horseplay, 3) Charlie overstepping the mark and making Rodrigo cross, and 4) Rodrigo charging up and down a corridor for two hours screeching “No! NO! Rodrigo NO!” to himself like a madman with a wasp in his brain. It’d be like EastEnders, only more schizophrenic and gay. Brilliant.

Lisa - Over the last week or so, Lisa has started to relax a little. There aren’t so many people to fight with, all her enemies are slowly vanishing and – crucially – she thinks she’s in with a chance of winning Big Brother. This is probably the best possible outcome for everybody, because in her head Lisa is planning all the things she’ll be able to do as winner – release an number one album, break down the nation’s sexual and gender-based barriers forever and possibly get a stint as a DIY expert on This Morning once a week. And she’ll never accomplish any of them. Because nobody really likes her. But she doesn’t know that. But she will. Oh, she will. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ll be cackling maniacally to ourselves in our underground lair.

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Yeah, well done Big Brother – this gimmick of bringing in the housemates’ partners is working a treat, isn’t it?

Remember when Karly’s boyfriend was brought in, then Karly was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards? Well guess what – Noirin’s boyfriend was brought into the Big Brother house last week, then Norin was evicted, then her boyfriend did a runner immediately afterwards. We don’t know what to say – other than that the Big Brother producers should probably get Lisa’s girlfriend in pronto.

But now Noirin’s gone, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week…

Marcus – It’s not really a surprise that Marcus survived eviction last week – after all, he was up against Noirin, and even Pol Pot would probably have a pretty good chance of surviving eviction against her. But now that Noirin has gone, we might start to see signs of the Marcus we know and love again. You know, the one who grimly fixates on a woman and makes every second of her life an uncomfortable nightmare until she’s forced to tell him in no uncertain terms that she isn’t interested in him and he sulks about it for three weeks. Yeah, that’ll be fun. Bea, these next few weeks are going to be awful.

Charlie – Charlie is what people like to call a slow-burn housemate, which is a polite way of saying that he’s cripplingly boring and people only start to notice him after all the interesting housemates get evicted. And this is unfair, because in a true and just world, nobody would ever have to notice Charlie. Ever. Not even if he was the only housemate on Big Brother and he set himself on fire and spent 20 minutes running around in circles slapping at the flames and screaming. Why? Because Charlie’s life is an endless carousel that only involves him overstepping the line of decency and then looking mortified about it for an hour afterwards. He never learns from it either – as soon as he’s stopped being mortified it’s like his brain resets and he goes onto do the exact same thing all over again. Tiresome, Charlie. Tiresome.

David – Bear with us, because this one might take some explaining. We’re starting to think that David has a shot of winning Big Brother. No, no, come back – we have a valid reason for this wild and frankly deranged-sounding claim. Remember Brian Belo? Remember how he had absolutely no sense of social etiquette, constantly spoke in an overbearingly loud monotone and had a frightening preoccupation with cider? Substitute the word ‘cider’ for the words ‘Vivienne Westwood‘ and that’s a perfect description of David. And Brian Belo won Big Brother. So therefore, using the same logic, we can safely say that David is going to win Big Brother this year. And it’ll probably bring about the end of the world.

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Thanks to Kenneth rubberstamping his tossishness by legging it over a wall last week, there wasn’t a Big Brother eviction on Friday.

But there’s still one less Big Brother housemate than there was on Friday morning, and that’s all thanks to Tom. Tom – who you may recognise as the muscular posho who periodically thought he was Maxwell from Big Brother 2005 – also left the Big Brother house this weekend because – oh, actually, who cares? He was rubbish anyway.

Instead of profiling the housemates who’ve caught our eye this week, we’re actually going to look at some of the loose Big Brother couples today. Exciting…

Noirash (Noirin and Siavash): The biggest news of the Big Brother week – apart from the fact that Big Brother chose a bunch of tedious flakes to be the new housemates – is the kiss between Noirin and Siavash. Did Noirin kiss Siavash because she heard that he was a favourite to win Big Brother? Did she do it to forcefully demonstrate to Marcus that she isn’t interested in him? Did she do it because she’s a compulsive attention-starved tease with zero self-esteem who constantly needs a man to chase her to validate herself? Or does she just really, really like crappy-looking beards? Maybe we’ll never know. And we’ll never know because Marcus is currently millimetres away from the edge, and by ‘the edge’ we clearly mean ‘bludgeoning Siavash to death with the back of a shovel’. Still, it was beautiful while it lasted.

Chodrigo (Charlie and Rodrigo): Although all the Big Brother focus has been on Siavash and Noirin this week, there’s also been a slow creep towards relationship status between Charlie and Rodrigo. And not a moment too soon, either – what with the bed-soaking and the bottle-throwing, their semi-affectionate horseplay was getting darker and darker by the minute, and seemed bound to end up with Rodrigo carving the words ‘WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?’ into his chest with some broken crockery. However, the timely introduction of David into the Big Brother house scared Charlie and Rodrigo into having a big gay snog with each other last week, and it seems likely that they’re only going to get closer and closer until one of them gets evicted. And it had better be Charlie. God, he’s awful.

Barfwit (Bea and Halfwit): In short, Halfwit clearly wants a piece of Bea but she isn’t having any of it. This is either because she doesn’t want to be tarred as an opportunistic hussy by getting together with a man on television, or because she’s freaked out by the idea of kissing Ming The Merciless‘ unbearable inter-railing nephew. We don’t know which of these is true, because we genuinely don’t care about either of them.

Later this week: The Big Brother eviction nominees. Provided there is an actual eviction this time. Cuh.

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One of the problems of this year’s Big Brother is that only two housemates have ever been nominated for eviction at a time.

Which would be OK, except that the public’s inexplicable love affair with Halfwit means that he’ll never get evicted. The evictions are a foregone conclusion right from the get-go. But things are different this week, oh things are different alright. Halfwit’s up for eviction, as ever, but so is Kris, Dogface, Charlie and Marcus. Big Brother is exciting again!

Well, maybe not ‘exciting’ per se, but, um, you know… oh, let’s just look at their chances of getting evicted, OK?

Charlie – We’ve yet to write a single thing about Charlie so far, and that’s for a very simple reason – he never does anything. Or maybe he does and we never pay attention to him, probably because his voice reminds us of what Marcus Bentley’s voice would sound like if he fell down a pit, broke his leg and stayed there for a week. Anyway, it’s fairly certain that Charlie won’t get evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night. This isn’t because he’s nice, though – it’s because his entire life’s ambition seems to be centred around coming fourth on Big Brother. And we don’t to break the poor lad’s heart.

Halfwit - Halfwit won’t go because, duh, he’s Halfwit. He’s Halfwit The Invincible. Nothing can kill Halfwit The Invincible! Nothing! Not a public vote-off against Cairon, not a public vote-off against Sree, nothing! We’ve calculated that it’ll be another three weeks before Halfwit’s continued survival genuinely makes him legitimately believe that he’s really invincible and he’ll throw himself off the roof of the Big Brother house to prove it. Three more weeks. Stick in there, kids.

Dogface - Now, it’s easy to say that Dogface won’t be evicted from Big Brother this week because she’s got gigantic tits. But this isn’t the case whatsoever – remember that the majority of Big Brother voters are teenage girls, and they don’t like rewarding girls for having big tits; they like happyslapping girls with big tits and voluntarily putting the assault on the internet. So why do the teenage girls like Dogface enough to keep her in Big Brother? Is it because she’s… a nice… person? No, that doesn’t sound right at all. God knows what the bloody answer is.

Marcus – What? Marcus is only second-favourite to be evicted from Big Brother this week? Why? Didn’t you see him on Friday’s show? He was all “Why dahhn’t you caahm ovah ere an fackiiiin say that?” to Sree, before storming into the Big Brother house and launching into such an impassioned anti-PC defence that it would have made Jim Davidson cry tears of gratitude. Marcus is a villain. Marcus is clearly a villain. He’s so much of a villain that he literally spent the other day walking around the Big Brother house twirling his moustache. What more do you people want? Should we supply him with a child-catcher net? Would that help? Christ.

Kris – And that leaves us with Kris, who is apparently the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night. Once again, we’re not sure why. If Kris goes, the mantle of heterosexual male totty will automatically fall to Shiavash, a man who looks like a Salvador Dali painting of a sinister teddy bear. Actually, we’re being disingenuous here – we know exactly why Kris is the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother. It’s because his Krogface relationship has turned him from a swaggering cock into something worse – the mimsying kind of tosspot who never bothers to interact with anyone else because he’s too busy nuzzling his girlfriend. But, seriously, that makes him worse than Marcus? Seriously?

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First the facts. This is Big Brother’s tenth anniversary, and the fifth anniversary of us writing about it. We don’t know which is worse.

Nevertheless, the new series of Big Brother kicked off last night, which means that from now until let’s say the end of actual time itself, we’re going to have to watch hour after of hour of preening turdbaskets discussing nothing using a subnormal vocabulary. And we’ll be with you every ghastly step of the way.

But first we should probably introduce ourselves to the newest batch of Big Brother housemates, shouldn’t we? Fair enough, then…

GIRLS:

Norin, 25. SHE’S THE: Awful snob. Norin’s entire Big Brother entry tape consisted of her describing exactly how brilliant she is. She’s deeply religious, although she doesn’t care about anyone, her first word spoken inside the house was “fuck” and she recently showed an entire nightclub what her minge looks like, probably on purpose. Booed ridiculously on the way into the Big Brother house, but then redeemed herself later by letting a fey Brazilian man shave her eyebrows off. This also means that she’s a genuine Big Brother housemate now. Yes, it’s going to be that kind of series.

Beinazir, 28. SHE’S THE: Deliberately-polarising asylum seeker. Beinazir, by her own admission, is like a man. Her family escaped from a dictator when she was a child, something which much have been terrifying for her because it seems to have left her with the voice of a very old man. What will Beinazir do in the Big Brother house? Here’s our guess – nothing at all.

Sophie, 20. SHE’S THE: One who will have probably already got naked by the time you’ve read this. Honestly, Sophie is a smile and a pair of tits and nothing else whatsoever. On the way into the Big Brother house she complained that her hair looked quite flat. This is possibly the deepest thing that Sophie has ever done in her entire life.

Angel, 35. SHE’S THE: One with the ironic name. Apparently Angel is a professional boxer. We’re only guessing at that, though, because during her Big Brother entry tape she spoke in a genuinely incomprehensible Russian accent. If that wasn’t bad enough, she entered the Big Brother house in show motion dressed as a Victorian mime artist, almost as if she was deliberately trying to annoy the crowd. Angel won a Best Newcomer award at a 1992 Russian music ceremony, which ironically makes her more famous than the entire last series of Celebrity Big Brother combined. Given the choice, she’s like to be stuck in a lift with John Lennon, which is stupid. He’d stink the place out, wouldn’t he?

Lisa, 41. SHE’S THE: Lesbian. Honestly, she’s like a Daily Mail cartoon of a lesbian. Mohican, tattooed scalp, pierced nose. Remember Tracy from a couple years ago? Of course you don’t – and if you do, you should be ashamed. Anyway, Lisa’s just like her, but she also wears rubber pants. Has Big Brother ever had an incontinent lesbian punk before?

Sophia, 26. SHE’S THE: Slightly disabled one. Unbearably happy all the time, Sophie is a) a Lupus sufferer and b) a proper midget. It’s early days, but it seems as though Sophie speaks exclusively in a series of piercing hysterical squeaks. She also says she hates WAGS, something which she’ll probably never actually vocalise inside the Big Brother house because she’ll be too busy squeaking like a guinea pig in a tumble drier. Sophia wears boots that make her look like an Ewok. Sophia will probably end up winning Big Brother.

Karly, 21. SHE’S THE: One who’ll end up having a breakdown because Sophie’s got bigger boobs than her. An FHM High Street Honey, Karly possesses the ability to change her hair colour instantly with the power of her mind alone. She’s essentially a WAG in the making, so if you play in a Sunday league pub team somewhere, your luck’s probably in.

Saffia, 27. SHE’S THE: Woman most like Noel Edmonds. This is for the following reasons: 1) Saffia indulges in cosmic ordering from time to time, 2) Saffia has a love life that’s ragged and messy, 3) Saffia would consider lesbianism, 4) Saffia entered the Big Brother house in an outfit made from Mr Blobby’s hide, 5) Saffia seems a bit like a wanker.

BOYS:

Rodrigo, 23. HE’S THE: Eccentric, possibly bisexual, foreigner. Another little ray of sunshine, Rodrigo is Brazilian but loves Britain. He apparently goes to church every day, presumably because he wishes he could sleep with LaToya Jackson and that’s obviously a deep sin to carry with him. If Kenneth from 30 Rock was Brazilian, he’d be Rodrigo. Rodrigo is only one of two legitimate housemates so far this year, because he shaved a girl’s eyebrows off. So yay for him.

Freddie, 23. HE’S THE: Young Conservative who lives in a stately home and yet still expects people to like him. Freddie often wears a genuinely awful hat, and believes in anarchy – presumably the sort of anarchy that’ll let him keep his bloody lake and sodding reggae-influenced indie music. Booed ferociously on the way into the Big Brother house.

Charlie, 22: HE’S THE: Lovely gay one. In his Big Brother audition, Charlie referred to his penis as his ‘nasty bone’, which is mildly discomforting. Other than that, there’s not a lot to say about Charlie. However, despite being a former Mr Gay UK, Charlie is also from Newcastle – which means that he sounds like Jimmy Nail and everything he says, no matter how innocent, sounds like a precursor to a violent bottle fight.

Kris, 24: HE’S THE: Bellend. Why is Kris a bellend? Because of his stupid Alex Zane haircut? Because he wears women’s T-shirts? Because, as a visual merchandiser, he has a job that doesn’t really exist? Because he has a much, much higher estimation of himself that he really deserves to, despite giving the impression that he’s never even so much as kissed a girl? Yes. The answer to all of these, damnit, is yes.

Siavash, 23. HE’S THE: Sponging, tiny-penised bastard. Is Siavash a stylist? An event organiser? Who knows? All we do know is that Siavash looks a bit like what Jesus would look like if Gok Wan was a Biblical disciple, and that – in true Big Brother fashion – he has a disproportionately high opinion of himself. We’re not sure how Siavash will fare within the Big Brother house, but judging by his hair, beard, wardrobe and generally overbearing smug hipster attitude, he’s essentially a distillation of everything crap about London.

Sree, 25. HE’S THE: Virgin. Sree is Indian, a Hindu, and appears to be comically straightlaced. Will Big Brother lead Sree astray? Hopefully not, because Sree seems to be a bit teddy-bearish and lovely. But hopefully yes, because Big Brother is only really any good when it’s actively destroying the lives of others, isn’t it?

Cairon, 18. HE’S THE: New Spiral. Cairon speaks with an American accent, just like that albino bloke who had the shuddering meltdown last year. Apparently Cairon wants to be a rapper – not because he’s talented or anything, but because he’s DEFINITELY NOT GAY. He’s so straight he feels weird even wiping his own bottom. Despite this, he seems like a polite young man. Historically, this means won’t say a single word until he’s booted out of Big Brother a month in.

Marcus, 35. HE’S THE: Bizarre, antisocial polymath. Marcus loves comic books so much that he’s grown a ridiculous set of Wolverine sideburns. And he’s got a giant ponytail. And he wears a vest. And, judging by his Big Brother entrance, people seem to love him. One to watch, maybe. But only out of professional obligation, you understand. We wouldn’t willingly watch Big Brother. God, no.

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9 - The top 10 music videos by movie directors. Six tenths correct – Theshiznit

8 – Joaquin Phoenix is rapidly becoming our favourite ex-actor, you know – Bestweekever

7 - Kelly Osbourne gets engaged. Rest of mankind slowly emerges from its bunker – Holymoly

6 - It’s just like Jurassic Park! Only about mice and crap! - Dailymail

5 – Things being punched in slow motion are probably the best thing ever – I Am Bored

4 - All the free crap Americans got for voting yesterday. British companies – do the same. Free stuff is good – Walletpop

3 - Staring at raisins combats depression. Presumably because once you’ve worked out what you’re doing you kill yourself - Theage

2 – Steven Seagal running. Mesmerising – YouTube

1 – Remember Charlie, the injured webcam cat? You do? Well, why not buy the massive scab that just fell off his back? Seriously - eBay