channel 5 - HecklerSpray

Frankie Cocozza To Be “The Bachelor” Or “Perpetually Lonely”

March 8th, 2012 By Michael Park

If you remember a time where people weren’t famous because they had tattooed tally marks representing every woman they’d ever had sex with which criss-crossed their body making them look like a Wilkinsons version of Hellraiser then close this window now.

In case you hadn’t heard, Celebrity Big Brother contestant and X Factor flop Frankie Cocozza is being lined up to become ‘The Bachelor’.

What better choice to replace the hunky, dull-witted appeal of Gavin Henson with a Paolo Nutini lookalike who’s been drowned in cooking oil and then reanimated?

Jedward To Front Channel 5’s Best Programme Ever!

February 17th, 2012 By Michael Park

We all know Britain’s premiere broadcaster Channel 5 is working its socks off to bring us the very best in televisual entertainment every single day, which is why you’ll be pleased to hear that they’ve come up with the perfect vehicle for John & Edward Grimes, more commonly known as the entity “Jedward”!

Lucky us!

The TV gurus at Channel 5 have given the plucky lads the opportunity to stamp their chirpy brand of brain-damaged humour all over the home video clip show.

Paranormal Activity III Has Premiere In Big Brother House & No-One Famous Turns Up

October 20th, 2011 By Michael Park

Premieres for big blockbusters usually take place in cinemas with names like ODEON, CINEWORLD, GRAUMAN’S or BOGNOR REGIS CINEMASCOPE but it seems that the makers of Paranormal Activity are positively itching to associate their horrifying, overdone claptrap with Channel 5’s flagship horrifying, overdone claptrap.

And, as such, the premiere of Paranormal Activity III took place in front of a star-studded audience inside the Big Brother compound proving once and for all that crossover episodes are never as realistic as you hope.

It had been expected that Channel 5 would take the opportunity of having a scary film playing in the compound to systematically murder all of the housemates and celebrities who were assembled inside and the world (100 people whose remotes were broken) watched on with bated breath, waiting for the axe-murderer to be released into the house.

Alex And Chantelle To Reid-Produce

August 31st, 2011 By Kris Silver

The curse of Celebrity Big Brother is rearing its ugly head again as former contestants and professional divorcees Alex Reid and Chantelle Houghton announce that they think they're ready to reproduce.

Jordan?s former fella spread the word via one of those glossy lady rags that you see in your dentist?s waiting room, but would never pick up because there's a picture of Alex Reid on the cover trying his best to look like he's still a cage-fighter?

…or vaguely relevant.

Hecklerspray’s Stupid Celebrity Big Brother 2011 Liveblog

August 18th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Click over for our stupid Celebrity Big Brother Liveblog! Keep hitting refresh because we’re idiots who can’t work things out! HURRAY! Things kick-off around 9pm when the hard liquor kicks in!

Weasel Infestation Threatens Celebrity Big Brother 2011! [Pictures]

August 11th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Big Brother is back in a week’s time and some people (notably the people who work for Channel Five and Holy Moly) are getting very, very excited! However, all is not well at the BB house as our exclusive pictures show!

Pictures have been released of the new Big Brother house and many have cooed about how glamorous it looks (with others shrugging and thinking that it kinda looks like any other BB House).

However, what Endemol, makers of the show, aren’t telling anyone is that the show is danger of being cancelled after it was found that the Elstree studio has been infested with weasels!

Celebrity Big Brother Contestants Revealed!

August 3rd, 2011 By Paul Pencott

It's been a roller-coaster week, what with red-top tabloids revealing that Charlie Sheen is DEFINITELY going into the Big Brother house only for his reps to categorically deny it and the papers going all quiet only to reveal that Pamela Anderson is DEFINITELY going in only for her reps to probably deny it as of this morning as well.

Well, we can all play that game and hecklerspray can exclusively announce the full list of within-Channel-Five-budget celebrities who are DEFINITELY going into the awful Big Brother house this year!

Although we might go a bit quiet tomorrow.

Big Brother 2011 Trailer Released Featuring Ex-Housemates, Murderers And H From Steps Who Was Definitely Never In Big Brother Anyway

August 1st, 2011 By Sophie Hall

It's not fair. The prospect of Channel 5?s Big Brother is now becoming dangerously real, and here is the most concrete proof of what is set to be a terrible, terrible Autumn. Any means of escape is effectively now void.

If you try and turn the channel over, all you will find is a botched version of Kelly Rowland clapping along to a burns victim in harem pants on X Factor instead.

As if Kelly hadn?t caused enough problems in the world, she allowed more hell to be released into the ether today, when an annoyingly large number of ex-housemates turned up on a field to sing an altered version of her song ?When Love Takes Over?, to ?When Bruv Takes Over? for the new C5 trailer. It's not fair.

Double Indifference As Brian Dowling And Emma Willis Are Announced As The New Big Brother Hosts

July 25th, 2011 By Sophie Hall

News just in: Brian Dowling is no longer leeching his entire TV career from Big Brother. Instead, he is now saving time by hooking himself to a drip and having Big Brother pumped into his lower digestive tract.

This is in light of the news today that himself and Emma ?My leather jacket subtly implies I enjoy rock music? Willis are to be it's new presenters when it is re-launched on Channel 5 later this year. ?Hurrah?.

And in further boring news, Emma Willis has also announced today that she had sex with Matt Willis again, and is now pregnant as a result of that. All together now! ?MAYBE DAVINA WILL LEND HER ?THE BIG MUTHA? T-SHIRT!? Ha. Very clever, everyone. Anyway, it's a moot point because she absolutely won't. Unless she's a dick. Unless Davina McCall is a dick…

Big Brother Rises From The Dead Thanks To Channel 5

April 7th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

School children get six weeks off every year from school so they can generally sleep in all day and annoy the neighbours with their awful music. Channel 4 executives used to have it easy in the summer as night time due to Big Brother constantly pestering us all. TV during the summer consisted of nothing more than watching a group of people in a house and trying to work out how to cut an onion without crying. We were doing the same, but to our main arteries.

The first couple of series of Big Brother were pitched as experiments in order to see how people reacted in claustrophobic situations. As later series progressed, we got to see a woman shove a bottle up her love tunnel.

Channel 4 ditched the show in 2010 to inevitably bring back an updated version of Eurotrash. But this loss is a gain for Channel 5 who look set to bring the show back in the summer.