HecklerSpray

Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy

Derren Brown Attempts Another Hokey Stunt, Still No-One Impressed

October 30th, 2012 By Chris Starr

Derren BrownIn Croydon in 1971 little Darren Brown was born, and little did his unsuspecting parents realise that they had spawned the world’s most annoying human being. Because Darren would decide that he should be called Derren, and would try and transform his hokey magic tricks into some sort of event television, which would interest no-one.

No-one, that is, except the stupid. For a period in the early 2000s there was a simple way to distinguish between the intelligent and the stupid in the United Kingdom. You simply listened to their conversations. The erudite and learned would talk about things of meaning: politics, world affairs and economics. The stupid would talk about the latest thing they’d been the night before on Derren Brown’s show.

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WATCH THIS! Gingers, Spies and Sexy Giles Coren

August 6th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Well. What a week THAT was, are we right avid reader? There's been things going down; the Titanic, Heather Trott, Tulisa Contro-Contos-Whatever, things coming up; the price of pasties, petrol and penises in front of Tulisa (we've reached the quota of Tulisa blowjob jokes, worry not).

we're very surprised that any has any eye fluid left after seeing such awful things going on in the World, and that's not even taking into Tim Lovejoy and Simon Rimmer moving channel and effectively upsetting all the hungover teens in the country.

All the terrible things that have happened this week don't mean an iota because y?know what happens soon? It's only Easter time isn't it! The time of year that we come together as a united force to perform the rites that make the zombie carpenter?s son stay dead for another year. We?ll all be so full of chocolate and other various sugar riddled carcinogens that we won't care about anything other than what is playing out before your very eyes: not the scenes of your elderly grandmother silently squeaking out farts before demurely wafting her handkerchief to dispel the noxious fumes, or your young niece vomiting loudly after eating a little too much chocolate, but what is on the telly box.

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Skins Review: It Is Finally Over!

August 6th, 2012 By Lauren Mullineaux

Relief, sweet relief as we can finally be quoted accurately on declaring the end of Skins and the start of summer, two things we love more than Michael Barrymore?s pool parties ? can we get a Roflcopter?

It's a slow start to the demise of the series as we know it ? yes guys, sorry to say it's going down shortly, after one final amazefuck of a series with members of each and every cast, probably at uni doing absolutely shit tons of work and writing dissertations on the representation of youth in the media, or not, you know.

Anyway, yeah, so Frankie is around hunting her mum like she's in a bloody day-glow version of The Hunger Games or something. She's wearing the same jacket she has been for about nine weeks and its filthy which makes us admire the attention to detail, it's these little grubby bits that really make the difference.

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WATCH THIS! The Pick Of The Week’s Televisual Dreck

August 6th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Hidden away at the back of everyone's consciousness is the worry that they?ll miss out on something important. It's a normal part of the human condition we're told and shouldn?t feel too bad about getting onto buses that we don't need just because there are two people having an animated conversation about something and we want to be a part of it, even if it's just vicariously.

This is the same thing as what happens on Twitter most nights. People attempt to one up each other by tweeting the funniest thing that they can think of during a show. Sometimes it goes horribly wrong with comments that are verging on racism but would be alright during Allo Allo, whereas sometimes it can bring a programme to life.

Watching Eastenders, for example, can be a tedious task that only a hardened professional should attempt, but seeing people tweeting about McKlunkys or commenting on Shirley Carter?s ever receding skirt hem can really bring a new facet to a normally boring show.

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Skins: Beds That Smell Of Vagina

August 6th, 2012 By Lauren Mullineaux

Here?s us getting all ready to talk to you about the Skins season finale and how that ending was a bit monumentally rubbish hanging off all the cliffs in the Lake District and it's only going to be bloody well on again next week isn't it?

We found that out through the cleverly titled, ?Next Week,? section at the end in case you were wondering what sort of powers we had.

On the whole we've noticed that Skins is peaking as the unusually fast pregnancy plot moves along.

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WATCH THIS! The One With Falklands, Sally Webster And Murderers

August 6th, 2012 By Robin Darke

People ruin everything. Not you per se, but probably at some point you've ruined something for someone else. Perhaps unintentionally, or perhaps with a glint in your eye that would make Janine Butcher move house, change her name and start working in a technical pattiserie store.

Just to get away from you. Possibly.

Obviously some things that get ruined for other people are good. Like the NHS reforms that are making Twitter a mega bore lately. The glans with a wig on, David Cameron seems happy to ruin the NHS for everyone, so what do the angered masses of Twitter do? Get sand right up their vaginas and get the reforms stopped once and for all. Effectively ruining things for Cameron, and he was looking forward to making everyone hate him more than Margaret Thatcher could.

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Skins Review: Hark! A Vagrant!

August 6th, 2012 By Lauren Mullineaux

?Fresh Meat is coming up in an hour,? are our most dreaded words, not because we?d rather crawl into an oven than watch anything where Jack Whitehall plays Jack Whitehall, but because they mean Skins is on for the next sixty minutes.

It's all right though, because, this is the penultimate episode so as well as wondering how you spent a good eight weeks watching this in absolute isolation, you can look forward to the days where people might consider letting you near them again without risk of you blurting out terms of endearment that involve the word, ?Delish.?

For now though we're all going to happily continue from where we left of which is exactly with; Oh hark, a vagrant!

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WATCH THIS! The One Where Jessica Fletcher Is Mentioned Four Times

August 6th, 2012 By Robin Darke

How great is TV? It encompasses many different things for many different people. It can be the only friend to an elderly person, or the sole teacher for parents who can't be bothered with children.?But more often than not, TV is generally what normal people like us at the hecklerspray bedsit and you use to while away the hours until you need to return to work.

It's a grim old life isn't it, but for those few hours a week, where characters prance around for our entertainment, every problem seems less important, and can be dealt with tomorrow.?It's one of the reasons that Glee was so popular; the dancing and brightly arranged songs were a happy alternative to credit card bills and that Patricia in Human Resources.

Sometimes TV fails us, just look at Something For The Week, although people may say they like it, if it was popular it would still be commissioned and not destined to TV limbo. It traversed the popular hangover slot that June Sarpong ruled with her filthy laugh and iron grip, introduced the more successful elements of Jamie Oliver?s career and folded it over to keep the air in. Like a meringue. And sometimes TV can be better than what that girl did behind the loos at Download Festival. There's countless light hearted police procedural shows that should be held in the annals of history as ?great?, and a list of comedies that are so ?loltastic? that they?ll probably be timeless. You can see yourself watching Friends in twenty years time. We all can. Although it?d be between shifts stacking shelves at Tesco for ?2.56 an hour, it'll still be fantastic.

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Skins: Killed With Fire, Never Again To Appear On A Television Set Near You

March 8th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Are you a fan of thoroughly and comprehensively unrealistic teen-dramas that pass themselves off as hard-hitting, issue-heavy dramadies, prone to firing its cast every 5 minutes? You’re probably stupid enough to like Skins then… which has just been killed.

No, not killed and prone to return with TV executives realising what a terrible mistake they’ve made.

Skins has been axed, cancelled, thrown into the bin, rubbished, pooh-poohed, left to rot… CANCELLED CANCELLED CANCELLED by E4 because, basically, no-one likes it anymore and it is obviously far too expensive to make. Besides, everyone’s watching Misfits these days.

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Skins Review: Getting All Serious About Kiddie Fiddlers

August 6th, 2012 By Lauren Mullineaux

It seems only apt that Skins comes on after Embarrassing Bodies (which we have just realised is on a different channel) as every single one of the ?young adults? that consistently get their kit off on this programme should be ashamed of their skin sacks which are here being used for little other than to hold their organs in nearly the right places.

They should be embarrassed that, no matter what age they are, every single one of them is wearing tight hugging day glow boxers and ill-fitting bras. And they never wear those for long. And have you seen their sodding jewellery?

Congratulations are due to Skins though who last night tackled a real subject or at least attempted to. Alo was sent down kicking and screaming for cherry picking in the My Little Pony field, which as we all know is just plain sick and good television it does make as Skins effortlessly rode it's way to one of the best episodes of the season so far.

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