American Idol, it’s fair to say, is on the slide – last season it was only watched by 97% of Americans, down from the usual 105%.

But relax – American Idol is on it. Later today, American Idol is holding a news conference where it’ll announce several changes for its new season, including more focus on talent and less on the auditionees who’ll inevitably turn up dead outside Paula Abdul‘s house.

But don’t worry, American Idol fans – the show will still have wildly long, endurance-challenging results shows so full of ersatz crap that you’ll feel like killing yourself midway through. That’s American Idol‘s bread and butter.

Now that X Factor is over, with winner Alexandra Burke guaranteed a Christmas number one with her winning song – a version of Hallelujah that consists of one verse before it gives way to a tsunami of relentless, near-hysterical weeping – Simon Cowell can return to the show where the real money is – American Idol.

The new season of American Idol starts on January 13, but the show isn’t in the greatest shape at the moment. After seven years, the show’s talent pool is starting to run dry, the viewing figures are in freefall, the winners are being forgotten the second they’re crowned and the losers are all killing themselves in a pile outside Paula Abdul’s house.

Although there were aspects of last year’s American Idol that managed to hold the audience’s attention, producers can’t count on them being repeated again this year – after all, how often do you get male strippers and a berserko stage Dad together in one competition? – and that’s why American Idol will be all change when its next season starts next month.

American Idol was already going to change a little this season, because of the addition of a fourth judge – a songwriter called Kara DioGuardi who couldn’t be more nondescript if you painted her grey and renamed her Morris – but now a memo has been leaked detailing some further changes that will be announced at a news conference later today. Reuters reports:

The changes include:

– Fewer audition episodes and more Hollywood-round episodes. The shift increases the show’s emphasis on talented performers and shies further away from the crash-and-burn spectacle of less-talented attention-seekers.

– To further emphasize the focus on the most talented singers, the semifinalist rounds will feature the top 36 contestants instead of 24.

What’s more, the changes will also include the return of a ‘wild card’ singer and the one-year abandonment of charity special Idol Gives Back. And that’ll help – but to really turn the fortunes of American Idol around, some even more drastic changes will be needed. Here’s what we suggest:

*Replace American Idol host Ryan Seacrest with someone a bit more human, like a mannequin of Ryan Seacrest or a bookish sea lion in a top hat.

*Make the American Idol results shows shorter. As short as possible, in fact. Install a couple of trapdoors in the set floor and you could probably get the show down to about 30 seconds, or less if you don’t bother calling the contestants by name.

*Follow the lead of Fox’s other big hit 24, which managed to turn itself around with a two-hour television movie 24: Redemption recently. Effectively what we’re suggesting here is that Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson should be dropped in the middle of Africa and made to defend themselves against waves and waves of bloodthirsty guerrilla warlords.

However, the proposed changes are a start, and hopefully they’ll do well to change the fortunes of American Idol. At least by focusing more on the talented singers than the desperate attention-seekers, the American Idol producers can be sure that if any more contestants start turning up dead outside the judges’ homes it’s not because they’re mentally-ill stalkers but because they’re just really, really upset about losing. And that’s better, obviously.

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