On Sunday it was revealed that former Big Brother housemate Chanelle Hayes’ attempts to become a pop star had died a death, with her new single I Want It limping into the charts at 63. However, while most people have reacted to this news in the correct way – with a disinterested shrug – Chanelle’s Big Brother ex-boyfriend Ziggy Zichman has publicly called her efforts ‘laughable.’

Ziggy, of course, is an expert on the music industry because he was in Northern Line and their last single got all the way to number 27. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is this – shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up. Shut up.

It’s not an exaggeration to say that we’re dreading Big Brother this year. Literally dreading it. Not for Big Brother itself, but for the moment it ends. That’s when the Big Brother housemates stop being fun people locked in a box on TV and become dreadful grasping attention-seeking “yes, that’s right, it’s me” zero-grade sub-celebrities living off a non-existent sense of entitlement who’d turn up to the launch of a baby murdering factory so long as there were nibbles and a chance that someone from Heat would take a picture of them standing next to a baby’s head on a spike.

And a new Big Brother means that there’ll be 15 more of these fuckers wanking around outside pikey nightclubs come September. That’s what we’re dreading. However, maybe the great British public has come round to our way of thinking, because it certainly couldn’t give that much of a shit about Chanelle Hayes any more.

Despite being a constant fixture in magazines and tabloids, a judge on some pointless digital reality TV show which we believe was called Chanelle: Squawk Arse Urgh and the star of a video showing her getting dicked by a muppet recently, Chanelle’s shot at pop superstardom – a song called I Want It that we won’t pretend to have heard – has utterly failed, only getting to number 63 in the charts.

While the good news about this is that Chanelle now has to make good on her promise to quit music forever, the bad news is that vapid leatherfaced spunkbag Ziggy Lichman has seen his opportunity to wade in on the matter as well. You remember Ziggy, don’t you? He and Chanelle had the world’s least convincing relationship during Big Brother last year. They did that thing that everyone talked about, remember? No, us neither, and we were professionally obligated to write about the bloody thing in excrutiating detail.

Anyway, even though nobody has so much as thought about Ziggy over the last eight months – nobody, not even his own family – Ziggy’s still found the time to tell the world what he thinks about Chanelle’s pop failure. The Sun reports:

Chatting at the Soccer Six tournament on Sunday, the former boyband star said: “It’s laughable really. I saw the video of Chanelle having sex with a gopher and it was terrible. We all thought it would bomb and it has. You have to give her a bit of credit for giving it a go though.” He added: “I’m glad the whole saga with Chanelle and I is over. She think she’s better than everyone else and is not in touch with anyone from Big Brother any more. She used to be friends with the twins but she’s even shut them off now.”

Ziggy, let’s not forget, is effortlessly qualified to talk about failure – having dedicated himself to the art for several months now – so we should heed his word to an an almost biblical degree. As for you Chanelle, you’re allowed one microscopic Hotel Babylon cameo and then you must proceed directly to doing soulless dead-eyed porno video inserts for Television X.

And if anyone from this year’s Big Brother happens to be reading: if you come anywhere close to releasing a single after you’re evicted, you deserve everything you get.

Read more:

Ziggy: Chanelle is laughable - The Sun

In the beginning, Big Brother was a crazy experiment which for once didn’t involve cutting people open or giving them drugs which would result in the growth of an extra eye. Instead, it was set to monitor the results of living in a controlled human environment. Or as most viewers interpreted it, a chance to maybe see some people have sex. But as time has gone on, the experimental phase has vanished and contestants have used Big Brother as a platform to launch a career. None are ever successful and, brilliantly for us, we get to see them crash and burn.

It’s now the turn of Chanelle Hayes.

The ninth series of Big Brother is due to hit the UK in a couple of weeks, which only means we will be in store for more tantrums, bitching, crap romances which will end six months after the show finishes, swearing, potentially racist comments and someone to become the new national idiot.

Every year, one of the contestants annoyingly lingers around like a bad fart once the show has ended. Unfortunately for us, it’s Chanelle Hayes, a woman who still seems like the hideous creation of someone determined to show us the opposite of how humans should act and behave around around others.

Jesus, was she an annoying cow. Listening to a car alarm for half an hour or shitting glass seemed more appealing that sitting through her endless tyrant of squeaks, moans and arguments with anyone who’d listen.

Amazingly, Chanelle was somehow signed by a talent agency. Not because she had any talent or credibility, but because if she took her clothes off, opened her mouth and looked vaguely seductive, blokes could imagine she was about to give them a blowjob.

After modelling and destroying TV shows, Chanelle has now turned her hand to singing. Of course, it’s absolute bollocks and Chanelle is the only one deluded enough to believe that it will actually sell. Because everyone suddenly likes dance music, this is genre that she’s gone and destroyed. Her single I Want It is a bland slab of Balearic house which hasn’t exactly had leading DJs queuing up in order to play it.

But let’s give Chanelle some credit. Because she knows it’ll bomb, she’s said:

“I’ve spent time in the recording studio and I’ve got all these songs for an album so if the single is a success then I’ll do an album. But if it’s not then I won’t inflict any more pain on you all!”

Good, she’s soon to be gone when her single crash lands in at number 178. However it’s not all good news. With a new series of Big Brother on the way, we can only guess that’ll they’ll be another gaggle of plebs emerging who’ll want to launch a dream singing career.

So more than likely we’ll run the same story next year and just replace ‘Chanelle Hayes’ with some other idiot. You’ll never notice.

Read more:

Chanelle: I’ll Quit If Single Is A Flop - Digital Spy