There's an old saying that goes 'An Englishman's home is his castle, and if he ever wants to imprison a Scandinavian male prostitute in his castle against his wishes then that's probably OK'.

But sadly it seems like America, the so-called land of the free, has got some issues about people chaining male prostitutes to their walls and vaguely insulting them for a bit. Just ask Boy George.

Boy George is just about to set off on a tour of America, except that now he can't get a visa because of his upcoming prostitute-chaining trial. Not that Boy George should worry too much, though. We know for a fact that there are plenty of other countries who'll give you visas no matter how many terrified manwhores you've chained up to a wall in your sordid little sex dungeon. Um, we read that in a book or something once. Ahem.

These days you can get banned from America for just about everything. If you punch people you get banned from America, if you're a terminally habitual drug user you get banned from America, and now it seems that if you might have chained a prostitute to a wall once you get banned from America as well.

Weirdly, though, if you're Fearne Cotton you can just breeze through passport control without a care in the world despite your numerous atrocious crimes against humanity. It hardly seems fair at all.

And this utterly illogical immigration system has messed up Boy George's plans something horrible. All he wanted to do was go to New York and give a free concert to all the binmen who he managed to ritually humiliate by spazzing out like a girl that time he was forced to do community service with them, but now even that's been taken from him.

Why? Because there's a possibility that he chained up a Norwegian male prostitute in his house last year. Did we mention that? We did? Oh, whatever.

Although he denies the charges, Boy George's false imprisonment trial is set to start later this year. And because of that, Boy George has been denied an entry visa into America. We can see why – as far as we're able to tell, America is full of fat bald gay men with oddly-painted faces who enjoy nothing more than chaining prostitutes to their wall and threatening them, so there's a chance that Boy George might just blend into the crowd and never return – but Boy George is getting quite worked up about it, as the New York Times reports:

Boy George was “devastated” and that “George is astounded at the decision and is having lawyers here in the States look at it in the hope that someone will change their mind.” … The statement said, “George has not been convicted of anything in London, and there is a presumption in the Western world of innocence until proven guilty.”

Well, that's partly true – the presumption is innocent until proven guilty, unless the accusation involves chains, 1980s popstars and frightened homosexual prostitutes from Norway, in which case it's funny to just mention it as many times as possible regardless of how true it is.

So Boy George won't be going to America any more. And, as rough as Boy George has got it, it's not him we feel most sorry for. No, it's the New York binmen who won't get to see Boy George's concert any more. True, there's a chance that an alternative act who's also done community service with the binmen will be shipped in from overseas to compensate, but if that happens it's likely to be Naomi Campbell, and those poor refuse workers will be lucky to escape with their lives.  

Now, if we ever found ourselves in the situation where we'd chained a male Norwegian prostitute to a wall against his will, not only would we have to suffer the ignominy of knowing that we're basically just following in Boy George's footsteps, but we'll also be acutely aware that we'd probably end up in court for it – as Boy George has found for himself, since he's just been in court learning that his formal trial will begin on February 25. It sounds bad for Boy George, but it isn't – we hear that spending Christmas day dreading the thought of being criminally prosecuted for chaining a male escort to a wall is the absolute must-have trend in Milan this season.

February 25. It's a date we all celebrate as Ric Flair's birthday or the day when Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev denounced the actions of Stalin in his speech On the Personality Cult and its Consequences, but as of next year February 25 will go down in history as the date that Boy George's trial started for the time that he may have chained up a Norwegian manwhore against his will.

It was an inevitability that Boy George would end up in court at some point in February, though, because that's how he likes to spend that particular month. In February of this year, for example, Boy George went to court to face charges of cocaine possession and was subsequently ordered to sweep up New York as a punishment; something that Boy George took like a man. A giant bald angry man throwing the world's most awkward temper tantrum, yes, but a man nonetheless.

Next February, though, we're not so sure that Boy George will get away so lightly if he's convicted of the charge he's facing at the moment. And that charge, like you need telling, is the charge of chaining Norwegian male escort Auden Carlsen to a wall in his house and then threatening him a bit on April 28 this year. Boy George was charged with hooker-chaining earlier this month, and this morning he was in Thames Magistrates' Court learning that he's going to face a full trial for it next year.

According to reports, Boy George only spoke to confirm his name and date of birth during the hearing, and then left in a silver vehicle without talking to anybody, much less stopping to chain up anyone vaguely Scandinavian-looking and then tease them until they were sad, which was either proof of Boy George's innocence or a crushing disappointment depending on who you are.

Quite what the trial will involve – we're guessing that Boy George will try the time-honoured "He bloody loved it" defence – or how long the trial will last is anybody's guess at the moment. Plus, given Boy George's previous encounters with courts, we wouldn't be surprised if he keeps trying to push the trial further and further back as the date approaches.

That remains to be seen, but we'd just like to be the first to publicly declare our interest in becoming jury members for the trial. This is for the following reasons: 1) Forming a verdict in the trial is the closest we'll ever get to chaining up a male prostitute, at least without paying some sort of subscription fee, and 2) We promise that we'll definitely find Boy George guilty regardless of the evidence. We still haven't forgiven him for ballsing up an entire episode of The A Team, you see.