The bromance between Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick is no more.

Theirs is the brotherly romance that never was. Yet they still started a million and one too obvious for words blind items. The pair have been in their cosy little non-love nest since 2007. In the early days of Gossip Girl they thought pooling together their assorted flat irons, gels and tubes of lube would be more cost-effective than each having their own crap.

You will all remember the early days of Gossip Girl and the terrible Brylcreem drought of 2007. Right? That was a time when lots of young, straight males who were in danger of running out of hair products thought it best to shack up together rather than risk being forced to live a life devoid of coiffing.

Well, it was around this time that fingers were being worn to the bone, concocting uninspired blind items about how the only thing these two were allegedly pooling was saliva. For the record, I for one don’t think they have been banging in plain view of the world’s media for two years. I totally buy Chace’s assertion that he was sick of living with ‘slob’, Ed. Messy eaters and people who refuse to sleep in the wet spot are the worst. Bitches.

After all, there are only so many empty packets of condoms and so many panties down the back of the couch that one straight guy can take. Better for Chace to branch out and start slutting it up in his own place, rather than cleaning up after his partner in crime all the time.

Despite the rumours of a break-up of sorts, there are no rumours of animosity. A source told US Weekly:

Gossip Girl’s Chace Crawford has moved out of the NYC apartment he shares with costar Ed Westwick. The two have shared the apartment in the Chelsea neighborhood since they both first moved to the city after being cast in the hit CW series. The source says Crawford — who will star in the upcoming reboot of Footloose — moved out on Monday and into a rented penthouse apartment in the luxe Dwell 95 building in NYC’s Financial District. The reason for Crawford’s change of scenery? Apparently, Westwick is a slob, and Crawford couldn’t take the mess any longer, a source tells Us.

There. That’s That. Well, almost.

This shocking news comes in the same week as ‘the end of man bangs’ was declared. Pretty sure that phrase translates as well as the word ‘fag’, so you should know that ‘man bangs’ refers to the ridiculous floppy hairstyle previously sported by Chace and his identical eyebrow twin, Zac Efron.

Not sure how much more heartache their delusional fan-base can take. Slightly effeminate pretty-boys with under-developed torsos, cutting their hair and not generating homoerotic blind items, it’s enough to start legions of newly potty-trained fans wetting the bed again. We need to rally round and declare “guyliner” sacred, before that dies out too. Else the world will once again risk drowning in adolescent pee!

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who has her own website and everything.

You read that right. People magazine hates Robert Pattinson. It thinks he’s a stinky old bellend with a twonky haircut.

How do we know? Because People magazine has published its Summer’s Hottest Bachelor list and – you should sit down for this – Robert Pattinson didn’t win. No, instead the top title was snatched by Chace Crawford from some show named Gossip Girl which we don’t watch because it’s not about sparkly teenage vampires trying to kiss horse-faced schoolgirls to a soundtrack of legitimately bad music.

Honestly, this is the most upset we’ve ever been at an arbitrarily-chosen space-filling magazine list. Ever.

Ask any woman who they think the world’s hottest bachelor is and there’s a good chance that they’ll roll their eyes and walk away from you, on the grounds that each person’s definition of hotness is essentially unique to the individual, and thus compiling a list of the world’s hottest bachelors is basically an exercise in futility.

However, ask any acne-ravaged 14-year-old girl or creepy middle-aged spinster who they they think the world’s hottest bachelor is and they’ll reply “Robert Pattinson. ROBERT PATTINSON! ROBERT PATTINSON! ROBERT PATTINSON ROBERT PATTINSON ROBERT PATTINSON SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!” before passing out in a giant puddle of urine and tears and exploded fallopian tubes.

Thing is, though, they’re wrong. Robert Pattinson isn’t anything like a hot bachelor. He can’t be. Already this week it’s been revealed that Robert Pattinson isn’t even Britain’s most eligible bachelor, and now People magazine has stuck the knife in even further by not naming him as summer’s hottest bachelor. Instead that title went to Chace Crawford from Gossip Girl, which leads us to believe that People got confused and thought it was making a list of Summer’s Hottest Bachelors With Silly Names That Make Them Sound Like They’re Sinister International Investment Banking Corporations.

Here’s what People said about Chace Crawford. Feel free to do as we did, and shout “LALALALALALA WE CAN’T HEAR YOU” as you read this while repeatedly poking a photo of Chace in the eye with your finger:

Note to anyone interested in the 23-year-old actor, who will next star in the remake of Footloose: learn to be low-maintenance. Says Crawford of his perfect date: “All you need is a pool table, beer, an electric jukebox and good conversation. The day a girl beats me in a game of Beirut [a kind of beer pong] is a good sign!”

Oh shut up you insufferable prick. How dare you be hotter than Robert Patinson! How dare you! Why, we’ve got half a mind to take the genes you were born with and aren’t able to change outside and give them a bloody good kicking.

But still, let’s not get too upset about Robert Pattinson’s inherent failure to be named as a hot bachelor. After all, let’s not forget that this was People‘s Summer’s Hottest Bachelor list. Give it a few months and we’re sure the magazine will come good by publishing its Drizzly Sunday Afternoon’s Hottest Bachelor list or its List Of Bachelors So Wan And Ill-Looking That They’d Probably Dissolve And Melt If They Ever Stepped Foot Outside On A Normal Summer’s Day. And, seriously, Robert Pattinson has to win both of those.

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