That's because Marc Bannerman's ex-girlfriend is on the scene, and she's shrieking about HIV. Sarah Matravers – the girl who Marc Bannerman effectively cheated on by trying to cop off with Cerys Matthews after looking at her arse for a millisecond in the jungle in I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, has decided to get herself checked out down the STD clinic after hearing claims that Marc Bannerman had already been unfaithful to her. Quite why Sarah Matravers has decided to tell the whole world this is beyond us, but at least we're learning that bellowing "SHUT UP!" at the TV until we're blue in the face doesn't actually make people on TV shut up. So that's something.

Remember the days when all contestants on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here would get was a semi-regular guest spot talking about unusually large babies on The One Show? Jordan and Peter Andre buggered that right up for everyone, didn't they? Now everyone who ever goes on the show wants a charity single to release and a bloody ITV2 chatshow, or at least wall-to-wall media coverage about something that everyone stopped caring about a second after I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here finished on Friday.

And that's certainly been the case with Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews. You see, even though they spent 15 minutes together eating various pieces of animal genitalia on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews are in love, even though he had a girlfriend at the time and is accused of getting a bit punchy with women and she's a single mother or two with hands that look like eagle claws made out of smashed-up cornflakes.

We know that Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews are in love because Cerys Matthews spoke about their love in a Sunday newspaper while sitting naked in a bubbling jacuzzi sipping champagne in a Crocodile Dundee hat, which means it must be true.

But what about Marc Bannerman's jilted girlfriend Sarah Matravers? It must be dreadful to watch helplessly as your boyfriend tries to cop off with other women on live TV – and then learn that he may have already been unfaithful with a barmaid – so surely Sarah Matravers deserves our pity, right?

Well, no, because by all accounts she's an idiot too. In an attempt to convince the entire male population of the universe that she's an ultra-hysterical nutter who can flick between coy baby-talk and murderous red-eyed screaming at the drop of a hat, Sarah Matravers has decided to tell the whole wide world that she's getting checked out for diseases because Marc Bannerman looks like he might have AIDS. Or something:

"I worry that, if everything is true, he may have had unprotected sex with other women. I'm going to have some tests in case I've caught anything … yes, I'm going to have the full tests – for everything, including HIV… Cerys only got divorced last month. The most bizarre thing is that she's been so caught up with Marc, she's barely mentioned her children. This is a man she's only known for a week, a man who she knew had a girlfriend. It's either incredibly cold-hearted or incredibly screwed up. They deserve each other. I hope they rot in hell."

Personally we think rotting in hell is a little harsh – we'd be happy if Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews just went somewhere out of bloody earshot for once, and took Sarah Matravers with her. Yap yap yap, all the sodding time. It's like living with a bunch of especially self-absorbed terrier puppies, only they're slightly harder to drown in brick-filled binbags.

Of course, only a cynic would suggest that Sarah Matravers is making such a public fuss about Marc Bannerman so that she'll be allowed to go on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here next year and cop off with another D-list celebrity so she can babble on about how happy she is and sell pictures of them both feeding ducks in the park to OK! magazine, but that is transparently what she does want, so we'll suggest it anyway.

Read more:

Jungle 'love rat' Marc's distraught girlfriend: I'm getting tested for HIV – Daily Mail 

You see, even though Mark Bannerman had a girlfriend and Cerys Matthews had hands that looked like geriatric scrotum-skin stretched across several wire coathangers, the pair of them fell in love during their time on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. And not just any kind of love, either – Mark Bannerman and Cerys Matthews found the kind of deep everlasting love that only washed-up popstars and people from failed wrestling-based reality TV shows can encounter after spending 15 minutes in a cleared-out piece of forest together. And, by christ, we wish they'd both shut up about it.

So Christopher Biggins is the winner of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, but any idiot could have predicted that. But while Christopher Biggins uses his victory to go through the traditional pikey supermarket advert-based career rebirth, the rest of the world can go back to discussing the real big story from I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – the burgeoning love between Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews.

Those of you who watched I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – or read any newspapers, listened to any local radio or overheard any conversation between a couple of dumpy housewives on the bus for that matter – will be aware of the story of Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews. Although Marc had a long-term girlfriend, the thought of spending a few days in a jungle with the Road Rage woman and not trying to touch her boob was enough to make him be a bit unfaithful. Knowing that his feelings for Cerys Matthews were stronger for his his girlfriend because Cerys was closer at the time and it was all on the telly, Marc and Cerys kissed and instantly fell in love.

It's love in the truest sense of the word, too – where two people who haven't been even vaguely famous for a decade decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together even though the sum total of their shared experience adds up to one awkward kiss and occasional glances of each other washing their arses in a river. And now Cerys Matthews is ready to talk about her feelings for Marc Bannerman, in the form of a newspaper interview that she got paid loads of money to do. Cerys told the News of The World:

"Neither of us intended to hurt anybody. It literally came out of the blue—and it was something that we couldn't really stop once we'd spent so much time together. We wouldn't have done any more, though. That's why Marc and I get on. We've got similar old-fashioned morals. We didn't do anything physically wrong, but there WAS a mental connection… But yes, I'm in love with Marc and I think he feels the same. I'd like us to spend the rest of our lives together—I've found a soulmate and because I'm a hopeless romantic I want to be with him for ever."

We have to admit that Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews do make a lovely, morally old-fashioned couple, in that she's already got a couple of kids from a failed marriage and he's been accused of domestic abuse.

And maybe this relationship between Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews will survive in a post-I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here environment. Fingers crossed that it does, because by our calculations the thing that the world currently needs most of all is a rival I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here couple to act as competition to Jordan and Peter Andre. Because, you know, they might eventually kill themselves fighting each other over an OK! photo shoot or an offer of a low-rent Five Life reality TV show. And then we'd just have Janice Dickinson left to worry about.

Read more:

It Was Like A Thunderbolt – News Of The World 

But what a series of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here it’s been! Full of classic I’m A Celebrity moments that people will talk about for years – like when, um, some on them sat in a van for a while and, er, the fat woman threw a semi-tantrum that lasted for about an atosecond. Ah, television gold.

But now that I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is shedding micro-celebrities with every passing day, who’s going to win? Here are the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds for Gemma Atkinson, Cerys Matthews, Jason Brown, Janice Dickinson and Christopher Biggins, with help from Paddy Power…

Gemma Atkinson – We can’t decide whether Gemma Atkinson deserves to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here or not, and here are our reasons why: Cons – we’re already sick of not being able to walk past a newsagents without seeing Gemma Atkinson’s greased-up tits leering down at us from the covers of Nuts and Zoo and Arena and Maxim and FHM and Loaded all the time, and if she wins it’ll only get worse. Plus, failure to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here might crush Gemma’s dreams of releasing an album, and that’s in everyone’s interests. Pros – actually, no, we’re pretty certain that we don’t want Gemma Atkinson to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here after all. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 20/1

Cerys Matthews – So it seems that Cerys Matthews has spent the last decade of hopeless non-fame brushing up on her man-stealing skills, because throughout I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here she’s done a rather good job of making Beppe’s Brother From EastEnders‘ girlfriend cry a lot. Surely the British public won’t be able to throw themselves behind Cerys Matthews to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – not because of her confused ideology when it comes to relationships, but because she’s got a nasty pair of granny-claws. Urgh, granny-claws. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 11/1

Jason Brown – Sweet baby Moses we’re confused. Jason Brown hasn’t been kicked out of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here yet, even though he possesses about as much charisma as a month-old dogturd and looks like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia when he tries to grow a beard. Maybe the unthinkable is true – maybe people actually liked 5ive. Did people like 5ive enough to make sure that Jason Brown wins I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here? That’s a prospect so terrifying that we can’t even bring ourselves to contemplate it. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 6/1

Janice Dickinson – You know what I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here would have been without Janice Dickinson? A bunch of not-very famous people living in the woods. And with Janice Dickinson? A bunch of not-very famous people living in the woods with an angry American bawling in the background all the time. Janice has been as near to a must-watch contestant as I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here has got this year and, although a wombat cadaver would have got the same title compared to the likes of Anna Ryder Richardson, we can’t help feeling that Janice Dickinson is going to be getting her own ITV1 show in the very near future. That or she’ll end up advertising Iceland prawn rings like the rest of them all seem to do. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 9/2

Christopher Biggins – Christopher Biggins is the kind of man who, if you showed him a video of his family being mauled to death by a lion, would probably chuckle and comment on what a jolly lovely mane the lion has got. Because nothing phases Christopher Biggins, apart from rats crawling all over his sleeping body – and even then his idea of ‘phased’ is to make a noise like a pantomime dame being goosed. Look, we’ll be honest with you – we just want Christopher Biggins to win I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here so that he can host a brand new series of On Safari with Gillian Taylforth. It’ll happen, people. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 2/5

Tomorrow - Strictly Come Dancing betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

It’s just as well that we’re here, isn’t it? We’ve got all the latest I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds for you right here, and even though the betting odds are deadly accurate at time of writing, we feel we should drop a few disclaimers here for the sake of transparency: 1) We can’t stand I’m A Celebrity get me Out Of Here, 2) No, really, we can’t stand it, 3) When Ant and Dec walk across that big bridge thing, we secretly wish it’d snap, 4) In our heads, we refer to I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here as I Can Hardly Be Construed As A Celebrity By Any Stretch Of The Imagination But If I Eat This Kangaroo Anus Perhaps Someone Will Give Me An Iceland Advert. In full. All the time.

So with that in mind, who’s going to win this year’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here? Here are this week’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here betting odds – for all of the contestants – with help from Paddy Power…

Lynne Franks – Supposedly the inspiration for Absolutely Fabulous, but we’re not convinced – as far as we can remember, Absolutely Fabulous wasn’t about a fat misery-guts who strops about like she’s possessed by the ghost of George Harrison. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 50/1

John Burton Race – I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’s resident red-eyed self-loathing celebrity chef. John Burton Race also happens to look a lot like Skeletor, but we haven’t decided if that’s a good or a bad thing yet. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 33/1

Anna Ryder Richardson – There’s no two ways about it; Anna Ryder Richardson must leave I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, because if she doesn’t there’s every chance she’ll become the new Linda Barker. And the world needs that like it needs to be stabbed to death by a tramp. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 25/1

Katie Hopkins – What a waste of a failed Apprentice candidate Katie Hopkins is on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Her place should have obviously been taken by Tre Azam, who’d have punched six crocodiles in the face by now. And he’d have chewed the arse off a live kangaroo. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 14/1

Jason Brown – Was once in 5ive, or so we’re told. Again, we’re not convinced – Jason seems to be so resolutely northern that he we can’t imagine he’d see singing, or in fact any other profession that doesn’t directly involve carrying coal up a ladder, as a bit poofy. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 14/1

Marc Bannerman – Used to be Dirty Beppe’s brother in EastEnders, was in Celebrity Wrestling and got convinced to take part in I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here by his friend Dean Gaffney. If you read all that without wanting to vote Marc Bannerman off, you’re made of stronger stuff than us. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 12/1

Rodney Marsh – The man who seems most intent on using I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here as his resignation letter from public life. Every second Rodney senses the cameras are on him he’ll say something offensive like “Women make such a fuss about childbirth” or “You know what I hate? All black people.” Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 10/1

Gemma Atkinson – What sets Gemma Atkinson apart from all the other girls from Hollyoaks? Well, she’s northern and, um, she looks OK in a bikini and, well, erm… no, that’s it, really. But at least the northern and bikini bits make her unique as far as the Hollyoaks cast goes, right? Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 6/1

Cerys Matthews – Three things have happened to Cerys Matthews since she was last famous a decade ago: 1) She’s taken an inexplicable liking to cockneys, 2) her boobs have suddenly got gigantic, and 3) she’s developed granny-claws. All of these things freak us out. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 5/1

Janice Dickinson – The only reason why people watch I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Forthright to the point of madness, we can see the British public taking to Janice Dickinson like it did to David Gest last year, except hopefully Janice won’t stink up the newspapers for a year afterwards like Gest did. Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 9/2

Christopher Biggins – Ooh, it’s Christopher Biggins! Lovely Chrissy Chris Christopher Biggity Biggy Biggins! He’s so lovely, isn’t he, dear old Christopher Biggins? We hope Christopher Biggins wins I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, because… actually, what does Christopher Biggins even do? Current I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here betting odds – 2/1

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing betting odds! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power X Factor betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.