Michael Jackson truly was a man who kept on giving. Note the past tense: he isn’t alive and living on a secret island alongside Princess Diana, 2Pac and Snoopy. However, enough people tell us that Michael Jackson will be coming back in 2057 with robotic facial surgery that gives him scorpion-like stinging powers.

We’ve already slipped on our sparkly glove in anticipation of this moment.

Let this not overshadow the achievements of a man that supposedly gave so much money to charity that it ruined him to the extent of needing an umbrella to protect himself from the sun and a wheelchair for basic mobility. Dr. Conrad Murray was employed to provide the singer with magical potions and drugs to keep him alive and give the impression he wasn’t stuck together with tape and staples following countless bouts of botched surgery. Countless speculations about his health overtook his once glorious music career and he’s now remembered more for his wacko antics than singing, such as his baby waving incident.

Back in 2002, Michael Jackson was experiencing the same level of attention that Justin Bieber receives now. Everywhere the king of pop went, scores of fans would flock around him, desperately trying to catch a bit of the singer’s spittle in their mouths or throw themselves on the floor just so Jackson could use them as a human walkway, eliminating the threat of himself scuffing his LA Gear trainers.

Eager to show his fans that he vaguely gave a toss about them and wasn’t just milking them for money from multiple crap albums, Jackson came to the window of a Berlin hotel for a jolly wave. If this was a fairytale, everything would have ended neat and tidily, but because Michael Jackson is involved, there is always a twist. Jackson lent forward out of the window with the terribly named Prince Michael II in his arms. The crowds focus was diverted from Jackson’s wonky nose and towards the helpless tot who was dangled around 20ft off the ground. Thankfully, a baby pancake wasn’t created on the Berlin streets as Michael managed to maintain his frail grip on the child and return him back inside and out of harm’s way.

Yet again, Michael Jackson was being questioned about his antics with children who were powerless to defend themselves against a person who looked like an evil clown with a melted face. He’d already faced one visit to court where he faced charges of inappropriate kiddie touching and was going to become accused of similar accusations a couple of years later. Perhaps this was some sort of warped sign from God telling him to bin the Jesus Juice and look after his own offspring so he wouldn’t be known as the world’s worst babysitter.

But onto this sculpture. Don’t ask us why, but the artwork is entitled “Madonna and Child.”

Did Madonna tell Michael Jackson to dangle his child from the balcony so she could adopt Prince Michael II and add him to her litter? We don’t really know, but the sculpture that’s been created by Swedish artist Maria von Kohler is located in the window of The Premises Studios where Arctic Monkeys, Amy Winehouse, Al Green and Nina Simone have all recorded. A possible warning sign that if you succeed in life, you’ll probably go mental in some way.

This is the second Michael Jackson tribute statute within as many weeks. So far we’ve heard no reports of any artists dedicating work to Janet Jackson. At best, it would just be a paper mâché boob following her Superbowl wardrobe malfunction.

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The Jackson family really has a lot to answer for in terms of their dire financial situation. Who they gonna blame it on? Most people would point the finger at poor advice given to them from second rate lawyers, but the Jackson family are a wacky bunch of loons, so they’ll end up passing the buck to sunshine, moon light, good times and boogie.

World renowned musician and court visitor Michael Jackson was always having money problems. After blowing wads of cash on crap that wouldn’t appear in Sunday newspaper supplements, the king of pop died in a lot of debt.

You’d therefore expect the Jackson clan to not follow in his footsteps and be more money-minded. That would make sense wouldn’t it? But in true Jackson fashion, the other family members have made a complete mess of everything. And step forward Jermaine Jackson who is in trouble for, allegedly, slacking on child payments. The monster!

As far as the Jackson family is concerned, Michael will always be the main bread winner, even though he never made a decent record past 1993. Zombie-like fans froth at the mouth with each fresh posthumous release. Let’s be honest, who else would the family count on? Janet Jackson never set the music world alight and was only ever popular inside her own lunchtime.

Now, it’s not like Jermaine Jackson has been the bitch of family household and was forced to lick Janet’s feet and fetch Tito Cornish pasties at the click of his tubby fingers. He was part of the original Jackson 5 and should, in theory, have a large amount of cash wedged away for a rainy day based on record sales and radio play. Not being able to save money seemingly runs in the family with the eldest of the Jacksons declaring himself:

“Broke”

Hold on a second, isn’t this the same Jermaine Jackson who appeared on the 2007 celebrity baiting version of Big Brother? A show that earned him £250,000 after he spent a couple of weeks boxed in with people he’d never heard of. Instead of investing the money or stuffing it under a mattress like most normal people, he has instead squandered it and has been reported to have said:

“I’m not rich like Michael was. In 2008 I made no money.”

Technically, Michael Jackson isn’t rich anymore either, though the coffin he’s buried in will probably be worth more than the gross income of a small developing country. So who are the poor innocent parties that have been caught up in all of this bother?

Again, it’s the children and, in what is now a predictable Jackson family trait, Jermaine has given his offspring a life of woe. Not only are they missing out on £1,800′s worth of child support payments every month, but they’re also cursed with stupid, stupid names.

That’d be Jaafar, 14, and Jermajesty, 10. As if they weren’t bullied enough by the outside world thanks to Uncle Mike’s interesting bedroom activities.

Still, it’s not as daft as naming your kid Blanket.

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Have you ever had a dream where at the time everything seems perfectly normal and reasonable? You know, like that talking dog who gave you directions to the local off-license or that rubbish superpower that allows you to squirt orange juice out your nipples? But when the alarm goes off, it’s nothing but a messed up thought in your mind.

We similarly went through the same process when we picked up the morning papers and saw a story featuring the once popular king of pop Michael Jackson and eccentric shop owner Mohammed Al Fayed.

Hilariously there was some sort of talk about a statue of the late singer being placed outside Craven Cottage, the home of Fullham FC who Mohammed Al Fayed owns. After trying to wake ourselves up we had that moment of dread which means we’re either trapped in a dream like universe, or this story is potentially real.

For any Americans reading this, we are talking about Fullham FC football club and football as in the proper football that you as the minority call soccer. Your version of football is nothing but girly American Football where you all fear a few bumps and bruises, hence the ridiculous amount of padding and helmets issued to all players. Again, the rest of the world play a sport called Rugby which is a billion times better.

The only redeeming feature about American sports in general are the hilarious names of the stadiums where various baseball, football and ice hockey matches are played. There doesn’t seem to be any sense in tradition attached as you’ll have teams playing in grounds called “The McDonalds Pus Burger Arena” or “The Jolly Ranchers Mondocomplex.”

Because Michael Jackson was American, we’d assume that any statues made out of tinfoil to commemorate the singer would be plonked outside his Neverland home of despair, recording studios where he cut his records or outside the graveyard where he’s currently being placed.

Nothing is ever straightforward with Michael Jackson and even after death, all sorts of weird and wonderful stories still crop up. Some of you might not be familiar with who Mohammed Al Fayed is. Instead of nicking his biography from his Wikipedia, all you need to know is that he is slightly mental and owns Harrods in Knightsbridge.

The two didn’t indulge in any drug binges or record a series of limited 7” reggae singles. Instead, Michael Jackson just flashed his credit card and bought all sorts of tacky crap which we assume includes stuffed tigers, antique chairs with three legs and a full scale pirate ship (complete with outfit). But Mohammed Al Fayed didn’t see it that way, he said:

“He was my friend, a man with whom I shared many happy memories and who died a tragic and untimely death. He left behind a legacy of music so vast it takes one’s breath away; from a precocious talent to an ingenuity and ground breaking modernity that shall never be repeated. It shall often be imitated, but it will never be replicated, Michael Jackson was, and shall always remain, one of a kind. I hope that many fans of his will visit the statue at the Cottage from far and wide, and that Fulham fans will appreciate seeing the finest performer in the world, in and amongst them, the finest fans in the world.”

Aww, how sweet.

All that’s left to see is how the Fullham fans will react to their new technical mascot. Will they graffiti the memorial of Michael Jackson? Or will they embrace him and demand that a halftime pint of lager gets replaced with a goblet of Jesus Juice?

Just imagine the amusing photos you could take while there’s a load of children stood ’round it.

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There are multiple reasons why we’re proud to be British instead of Canadian. Not only do we have a delicious national dish known as the curry, but we have produced some of the greatest music in the world across all genres. In Canada, the same can’t be said. With a national delicacy of bashed seal heads severed with a side order of snow, it isn’t really a mouth watering dish.

Canada does however boast a bucket load of musicians but when you look at what’s been produced, you have to despair for the poor nation. How about six year old Justin Bieber? Or if you want something more grown up, you can always rock out to Bryan Adams.

However, the queen bee of Canadian music is none other than Celine Dion, a woman who made the awful film Titanic even worse. She’s been off the radar of late after giving birth (and being booed and bullied by the people of Canada at a show – go team!), but the alarm bells are going in music land. A live comeback is being threatened with an odd tribute to Michael Jackson.

Apart from releasing soppy ballads that cause their mental fans to go weak at the knees, there isn’t really much else that connects Michael Jackson and Celine Dion. Both singers are around the same age, so it’s difficult to work out how the two found some sort of mutual bond.

If Celine Dion was only nineteen, we’d have known that she’d visited one of Michael Jackson’s sleepovers where all sorts of fun, frolics and inappropriate touching went on.

Or perhaps they both met over a glass of wine one day? We all know that Michael Jackson liked a drink. If he’d still been alive, we assume that he’d have set up his own vineyard where the singer would have blended the finest grapes so that a fruity Jesus Juice beverage was created. And because Michael Jackson always pushed everything he did to the limit, his Jesus Juice would have been exclusively available for his “younger” fans.

Based on the state of Jackson before the never ending run of gigs at London’s O2 Arena started, he’d have had to fall back on something after making a mess in front of thousands of adoring mentalists due to his inability of walking. Somehow, watching him do World Song when strapped to a wheelchair whilst Dr. Conrad Murray injected him with mind bending drugs wouldn’t have been that awesome to watch. According to someone who paid Celine Dion a shred of attention, she said:

“I admired Michael a lot. I took notice when he sang Ben on a TV show.”

We’ve never heard this so-called ‘Ben’ track which makes us think one of two things. Firstly, Celine Dion went slightly delusional at some point and didn’t know what she was doing. Or more realistically, this song of Jackson’s was a rubbish demo that never really got further than him trying it live. However, we’re sure that diehard Michael Jackson nuts will correct us and call us ignorant. It seems however that a mutual affection the two happened with Celine harping on again:

“I’ll never forget the day he came to see my show (A New Day),” she says. “He sat toward the back. Afterward he came to talk to me. He wanted to know about doing the show, what it took. I think he was interested in maybe doing the same thing on the Strip.”

We can’t knock Jackson for standing at the back. Who the hell would want to lose all their credibility and be seen at a Celine Dion gig? But talk about stripping? Urgh, we now have a horrific image of the two getting jiggy and making sweet love.

The horror, we mind go burn our head so the thoughts are erased.

Nobody quite knows what Michael Jackson songs Celine Dion will cover. Even if it’s the most energetic track of the former King of Pop, she’ll turn in to a never ending ballad of drivel.

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10 - THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER ONE…

9 - Who wants to make people out of acorns? – Craftjr

8 - Oh Pamela Anderson. Ick – AmyGrindhouse

7 – OLD BOOZE – Asylum

6 - THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER TWO…

5 - Seven awesome things about a Celine Dion magazine cover - BestWeekEver

4 - Giant, slow-motion popping bubbles – Geekologie

3 - Ronnie Corbett’s Supper Club sounds AWESOME – WatchWithMothers

2 - Warning: you will never be able to unwatch this – Warmingglow

1 - THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER THREE…

The only thing that Celine Dion ever wanted was a family. And some teeth that didn’t look like shattered off-white crockery.

The teeth she fixed long ago. But the family? That’s been harder to achieve. But finally, after what seems like endless rounds of IFV treatments, she’s got there – Celine Dion has finally become pregnant again. And what’s more, this time she’s become pregnant with twins.

It’s truly wonderful news. Not only will Celine Dion get to raise the biological children that she’s openly longed for since 2001, but her son Rene-Charles will now get some siblings to play with. And, if we’re really lucky, the stress of motherhood will prove to be so gigantic that Celine Dion won’t release any more of her godawful music until they’ve all grown up and left home. Truly, this is a time to celebrate.

Hey, you. Yeah, you, Alicia Keys. You think you’re all clever by getting pregnant, do you? Well stop right there. Celine Dion is just as clever as you. More clever, even. Because you’re just pregnant with one baby, aren’t you Alicia? Not Celine Dion. She’s pregnant with two babies. Two identical babies who she’ll dress identically to creep people out. And don’t get big-headed about the fact that the father of your baby is called Swizz Beatz, either. If Celine Dion wanted to give her 68-year-old husband René Angelil a stupid rap name like Hungree Hip-Oh as well, she could do it like that.

We’re straying wildly off-point here. Look, Celine Dion is 14 weeks pregnant. People reports:

“I feel like I’ve been pregnant more than a year,” Dion, 42, whose previous IVF attempts had failed, said. “I never gave up. But I can tell you that it was physically and emotionally exhausting”. “Everyone knows that Céline has guts and is determined,” adds husband, René Angelil. “These treatments were truly hard on my wife’s body. It wasn’t simple at all.”

See? Celine Dion has taught us all a very important lesson here. If you want something, never give up. It may have taken six emotionally draining attempts at IVF to get there, but now Celine Dion now has the babies that she’s longed for. And that’s given us hope, too – hope that people will one day stop liking the way that Celine Dion’s voice sounds when she sings. If Celine can achieve her dream, then so the hell can we.

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People are sick. We’ve thought long and hard about this, and the only sensible conclusion is that people are sick.

Take Las Vegas. People visit Las Vegas to spend all day standing around in a flashing, migraine-inducing, artificial air-filled casino that’s been designed with the express intention of getting people to part with every penny they own as effectively as possible.

And then, once they’ve lost everything in a series of games that they were statistically never going to win anyway, they go and see Celine Dion. Celine Dion, for crying out loud. And if you’re one of these sick idiots in question, you’ll be pleased to know that Celine Dion is going back to Las Vegas for another three-year residency. Weirdos.

Despite all that stuff we just said, we’re actually never happier than when Celine Dion is in residency at Las Vegas. Everyone wins. Tourists can wind down after a hard day of basically handing fistful after fistful of their hard-earnt money directly to a fat mobster called Paulie by listening to a scrawny Canadian woman screech My Heart Will Go On in the style of a grieving water buffalo. Celine Dion herself can earn hundreds of millions of dollars for singing at a captive audience.

But, best of all, it means we know where Celine Dion is at all times. If she’s singing in Las Vegas night after night, then she’s less likely to ambush us by wailing Earth Song in front of a 3D dandelion or by using up all the water in Florida or by acting like an actual lunatic at every opportunity. It might even mean that Celine Dion is too busy to record or release any new albums. Wouldn’t that be a treat?

So needless to say, the news that Celine Dion is going back to Las Vegas for another three year tour of duty should be celebrated by literally everybody on the face of the planet. BBC News reports:

“With the orchestra and the band we’re going to be able to perform our songs like never before,” Dion said. “The repertoire is going to be extraordinary – a mix of timeless Hollywood classics, along with all the favourites that my fans like to hear me sing. It’s going to be a very beautiful show, and I think we’ll be raising the bar higher than we’ve ever done before.”

If this residency is anything like her last residency, the new Celine Dion concerts stand to take anything up to $400 million. But money doesn’t matter to Celine Dion. She’ll be more interested in the sheer amount of people she gets to entertain. Again, if this Las Vegas residency matches her previous one, then around three million people will get to use a Celine Dion concert as a buffer between blowing their family’s entire life savings at a roulette wheel and flying home in rags, immediately getting divorced and then bleakly grinding out the rest of their miserable lives hungry and alone on the streets.

So that’ll be fun.

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There was a time not so long ago that to have a baby, one had to petition the Most High until he blessed her with a swollen womb and an ample supply of spooj.

But now anybody can have a baby whether God wants them to or not. For instance,  even though it’s clear that everybody in heaven is very much against giving Celine Dion heirs to still record albums long after she’s dead, it’s happening anyway.

Somehow, after years of scientific struggle, she’s pregnant again.

That’s right – Celine Dion is pregnant. This is particularly strange when you consider that her husband’s spoo has been in a deep-freeze since they did that sort of thing with large chunks of lake ice.

That’s just what we heard.

What we’re getting at here is that she’s pregnant not by a sperm happening upon an unsuspecting egg, but at the hands of several dozen doctors, scientists and perhaps nurses that are pretty good at holding a syringe real nice and steady.

We’re told that this type of pregnancy is virtually identical to the natural kind, except the mother has to constantly sit on the petri dish so that it’s contents never get too hot or too cold.

We really did hear that. We also heard this – from the New York Daily News:

“Céline Dion is going to be a mom – again! The Canadian singer learned of her pregnancy Monday after she and husband, René Angélil, conceived with the help of a team of fertility doctors in New York…”

The doctor’s helped, we’re told, by dressing Dion and her husband both in velvet robes, dimming the lights, and letting passion rule as the pair surrendered to each other while the faint cries of a baby otter lingered in the air.

We’re told that for Canadians, baby otter cries are an absolute essential to proper love making. So are red police uniforms and millions of miles of uninhabited, ice covered wilderness.

Now that we know Celine is pregnant, we suppose it’s safe to say she’s really keeping up with the Kardashians!

See what we did there? Could someone in headquarters please get that copyrighted? Chop chop!

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Celine Dion and water go way back – let’s not forget that her biggest hit was about the tragic watery deaths of 1,517 people in the freezing North Atlantic.

So with a relationship like that, you’d think that Celine Dion would be allowed to use as much water as she liked. Celine Dion certainly thinks so – she’s been singled out as the biggest consumer of water in her Florida county, using 6.5 million gallons in a year.

To put that in perspective, Celine Dion used enough water to fill a 50-gallon bathtub every four minutes, day and night, for 12 months solid. It sounds a lot, but Celine Dion actually drinks every one of those 6.5 gallons of water so that she can stay hydrated when she cries about all the sad people in Africa, which she does a lot.

Ask a celebrity what they’re most concerned about, and they’ll say “the environment.” They’re lying, of course – what they’re really thinking is “you know what I’d like? A pony made out of GLITTER!” but at least they’re giving off the impression that they care.

And Celine Dion does care. She cares deeply. About everything. Celine Dion cares so much that there’s a whole section of her website dedicated to telling the world how much she cares about everything from cystic fibrosis to breast cancer, complete with a photo gallery of her hugging an assortment of poorly children. Also, there’s a song on her new album called Skies Of LA, which is about global warming.

So, yes, it’s fair to say that Celine Dion cares deeply about the environment.

And what better way to show how much she cares about the environment than by making sure all the lawns and plants in her home in Marin County, Florida are given the best life possible. Even if that means that she has to tip 6.5 million gallons of water – about 54 times what the average resident uses – over them every year just to keep them happy, it’s a small price to pay. Or an obscenely large price to pay, depending on how stupid you are.

In fact, Celine Dion uses such a ridiculous amount of water that she’s been named as the biggest consumer of water in her entire county. Which isn’t bad considering she spent most of the last 12 months in Las Vegas finishing up her residency there. Second place went to Tiger Woods, who only managed to use a pitiful 3.7 million gallons of water in a year. Tiger, that’s only a moderately offensive amount of water – we thought you were supposed to be a champion.

Celine Dion has yet to comment about her extravagant use of a rapidly-diminishing natural resource, but we’re sure she’s very contrite about it and will never wash ever again to make amends, even if it means she has to contract a series of deadly diseases and ultimately dies because of it. It’s the least she can do, frankly.

Anyway, we’re sure that Celine’s got bigger things on her mind that how much water she uses on her garden – that’ll all pale into insignificance once the authorities realise that she’s painted the entire east wing of her mansion in 14 coats of panda blood and dances around at night in ballgowns made from the tear-soaked skins of 58 stitched-together Cambodian orphans.

Legally we have to point out that Celine Dion doesn’t actually do any of that. But look into her eyes. You can tell she wants to.

The good thing about Las Vegas is that singers often go there for years at a time to perform lucrative residencies – the bad thing about it is that it sometimes lets them go again.

For the last five years, Celine Dion has performed her A New Day concert 717 times at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. It was a win-win really, because the show earnt Celine Dion over $100 million while simultaneously keeping her too busy to hawk her screechingly overbearing power ballads to anyone else as a result. But all good things must end, and so Celine Dion just has performed her last show in Las Vegas. Now Celine Dion is going to take her show around the world, and it's progress will be traced by military technology – you'll be able to see which country Celine Dion is in at any point by watching droves of people with their fingers jammed into their ears hurling themselves into the sea via satellite.

We've never won big in Las Vegas, but we're mostly positive that if we did, our first thought wouldn't be "Quick! Let's blow this new-found fortune buying tickets to see a horse-faced woman sing that song out of Titanic even though we'd happily blowtorch our ears to crispy bacon if it meant we'd never hear it again!" However, it appears that many people disagree with us.

Since 2003, Celine Dion has been holed up in a specially-built Caesar's Palace theatre selling $400 million in tickets to three million people all clamouring to see if Celine Dion's already-impressively high annoyance level could be increased by surrealist dancers and a mime. Celine Dion's concert A New Day has broken so many records and won so many awards that most people were probably hoping that she'd decide to keep it running for decades until she could retire a rich, weirdly large-packaged, old woman.

But it isn't to be, because Celine Dion performed her last Las Vegas show on Saturday night, and she used the show as an opportunity to ramble on and on and on about everything that floated into her head, a bit like she did on X Factor a couple of weeks ago but without Dermot O'Leary to shut her up. According to BBC News, Celine Dion told the crowd:

"At one point, it was like feeling like the Titanic was about to sink again. But we believed and we went on with it… The vibe was not that positive for us. Most of us have left our families behind to give ourselves every night. I can assure you it was worth it."  

Now if you'd just earnt over $100 million singing the same songs again and again, chances are you'd want to take an extended break, perhaps to see what's the most disgusting thing a homeless person will do for $100 – but not Celine Dion. Starting on Valentine's Day, Celine Dion is going on an 11-month world tour starting in South Africa and coming to the UK in May, where she'll attempt to sing all her favourite songs without the emotional support of that mime bloke acting out all of her lyrics in an overdramatic way.

But don't be upset if you're going to Las Vegas and you're worried that you won't catch a decent show now that Celine Dion is gone. Taking her place will be Bette Midler, who has her own show named Look At Me! I Was In What Women Want And The Stepford Wives (Not The First One, The Rubbish One With Nicole Kidman).

Read more:

Dion Ends Five-Year Vegas Stint – BBC