There was a time not so long ago that to have a baby, one had to petition the Most High until he blessed her with a swollen womb and an ample supply of spooj.

But now anybody can have a baby whether God wants them to or not. For instance,  even though it’s clear that everybody in heaven is very much against giving Celine Dion heirs to still record albums long after she’s dead, it’s happening anyway.

Somehow, after years of scientific struggle, she’s pregnant again.

That’s right – Celine Dion is pregnant. This is particularly strange when you consider that her husband’s spoo has been in a deep-freeze since they did that sort of thing with large chunks of lake ice.

That’s just what we heard.

What we’re getting at here is that she’s pregnant not by a sperm happening upon an unsuspecting egg, but at the hands of several dozen doctors, scientists and perhaps nurses that are pretty good at holding a syringe real nice and steady.

We’re told that this type of pregnancy is virtually identical to the natural kind, except the mother has to constantly sit on the petri dish so that it’s contents never get too hot or too cold.

We really did hear that. We also heard this – from the New York Daily News:

“Céline Dion is going to be a mom – again! The Canadian singer learned of her pregnancy Monday after she and husband, René Angélil, conceived with the help of a team of fertility doctors in New York…”

The doctor’s helped, we’re told, by dressing Dion and her husband both in velvet robes, dimming the lights, and letting passion rule as the pair surrendered to each other while the faint cries of a baby otter lingered in the air.

We’re told that for Canadians, baby otter cries are an absolute essential to proper love making. So are red police uniforms and millions of miles of uninhabited, ice covered wilderness.

Now that we know Celine is pregnant, we suppose it’s safe to say she’s really keeping up with the Kardashians!

See what we did there? Could someone in headquarters please get that copyrighted? Chop chop!

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So with a relationship like that, you’d think that Celine Dion would be allowed to use as much water as she liked. Celine Dion certainly thinks so – she’s been singled out as the biggest consumer of water in her Florida county, using 6.5 million gallons in a year.

To put that in perspective, Celine Dion used enough water to fill a 50-gallon bathtub every four minutes, day and night, for 12 months solid. It sounds a lot, but Celine Dion actually drinks every one of those 6.5 gallons of water so that she can stay hydrated when she cries about all the sad people in Africa, which she does a lot.

Ask a celebrity what they’re most concerned about, and they’ll say “the environment.” They’re lying, of course – what they’re really thinking is “you know what I’d like? A pony made out of GLITTER!” but at least they’re giving off the impression that they care.

And Celine Dion does care. She cares deeply. About everything. Celine Dion cares so much that there’s a whole section of her website dedicated to telling the world how much she cares about everything from cystic fibrosis to breast cancer, complete with a photo gallery of her hugging an assortment of poorly children. Also, there’s a song on her new album called Skies Of LA, which is about global warming.

So, yes, it’s fair to say that Celine Dion cares deeply about the environment.

And what better way to show how much she cares about the environment than by making sure all the lawns and plants in her home in Marin County, Florida are given the best life possible. Even if that means that she has to tip 6.5 million gallons of water – about 54 times what the average resident uses – over them every year just to keep them happy, it’s a small price to pay. Or an obscenely large price to pay, depending on how stupid you are.

In fact, Celine Dion uses such a ridiculous amount of water that she’s been named as the biggest consumer of water in her entire county. Which isn’t bad considering she spent most of the last 12 months in Las Vegas finishing up her residency there. Second place went to Tiger Woods, who only managed to use a pitiful 3.7 million gallons of water in a year. Tiger, that’s only a moderately offensive amount of water – we thought you were supposed to be a champion.

Celine Dion has yet to comment about her extravagant use of a rapidly-diminishing natural resource, but we’re sure she’s very contrite about it and will never wash ever again to make amends, even if it means she has to contract a series of deadly diseases and ultimately dies because of it. It’s the least she can do, frankly.

Anyway, we’re sure that Celine’s got bigger things on her mind that how much water she uses on her garden – that’ll all pale into insignificance once the authorities realise that she’s painted the entire east wing of her mansion in 14 coats of panda blood and dances around at night in ballgowns made from the tear-soaked skins of 58 stitched-together Cambodian orphans.

Legally we have to point out that Celine Dion doesn’t actually do any of that. But look into her eyes. You can tell she wants to.

For the last five years, Celine Dion has performed her A New Day concert 717 times at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. It was a win-win really, because the show earnt Celine Dion over $100 million while simultaneously keeping her too busy to hawk her screechingly overbearing power ballads to anyone else as a result. But all good things must end, and so Celine Dion just has performed her last show in Las Vegas. Now Celine Dion is going to take her show around the world, and it's progress will be traced by military technology – you'll be able to see which country Celine Dion is in at any point by watching droves of people with their fingers jammed into their ears hurling themselves into the sea via satellite.

We've never won big in Las Vegas, but we're mostly positive that if we did, our first thought wouldn't be "Quick! Let's blow this new-found fortune buying tickets to see a horse-faced woman sing that song out of Titanic even though we'd happily blowtorch our ears to crispy bacon if it meant we'd never hear it again!" However, it appears that many people disagree with us.

Since 2003, Celine Dion has been holed up in a specially-built Caesar's Palace theatre selling $400 million in tickets to three million people all clamouring to see if Celine Dion's already-impressively high annoyance level could be increased by surrealist dancers and a mime. Celine Dion's concert A New Day has broken so many records and won so many awards that most people were probably hoping that she'd decide to keep it running for decades until she could retire a rich, weirdly large-packaged, old woman.

But it isn't to be, because Celine Dion performed her last Las Vegas show on Saturday night, and she used the show as an opportunity to ramble on and on and on about everything that floated into her head, a bit like she did on X Factor a couple of weeks ago but without Dermot O'Leary to shut her up. According to BBC News, Celine Dion told the crowd:

"At one point, it was like feeling like the Titanic was about to sink again. But we believed and we went on with it… The vibe was not that positive for us. Most of us have left our families behind to give ourselves every night. I can assure you it was worth it."  

Now if you'd just earnt over $100 million singing the same songs again and again, chances are you'd want to take an extended break, perhaps to see what's the most disgusting thing a homeless person will do for $100 – but not Celine Dion. Starting on Valentine's Day, Celine Dion is going on an 11-month world tour starting in South Africa and coming to the UK in May, where she'll attempt to sing all her favourite songs without the emotional support of that mime bloke acting out all of her lyrics in an overdramatic way.

But don't be upset if you're going to Las Vegas and you're worried that you won't catch a decent show now that Celine Dion is gone. Taking her place will be Bette Midler, who has her own show named Look At Me! I Was In What Women Want And The Stepford Wives (Not The First One, The Rubbish One With Nicole Kidman).

Read more:

Dion Ends Five-Year Vegas Stint – BBC