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Be honest. You’ve thought of stealing from Celine Dion’s home. Rightly, you’ve figured that, if you have to put up with her terrible, terrible music, then it is only fair that you should be able to take her possessions as compensation.
Well, the goalposts have moved now because, if you’re considering burgling Celine, someone has really upped the stakes.
The ‘singer’ had her house broken into on Monday by a man so suave that he should be given a medal so large, that it blots out the sun.
Michael Jackson truly was a man who kept on giving. Note the past tense: he isn’t alive and living on a secret island alongside Princess Diana, 2Pac and Snoopy. However, enough people tell us that Michael Jackson will be coming back in 2057 with robotic facial surgery that gives him scorpion-like stinging powers.
We’ve already slipped on our sparkly glove in anticipation of this moment.
Let this not overshadow the achievements of a man that supposedly gave so much money to charity that it ruined him to the extent of needing an umbrella to protect himself from the sun and a wheelchair for basic mobility. Dr. Conrad Murray was employed to provide the singer with magical potions and drugs to keep him alive and give the impression he wasn’t stuck together with tape and staples following countless bouts of botched surgery. Countless speculations about his health overtook his once glorious music career and he’s now remembered more for his wacko antics than singing, such as his baby waving incident.
The Jackson family really has a lot to answer for in terms of their dire financial situation. Who they gonna blame it on? Most people would point the finger at poor advice given to them from second rate lawyers, but the Jackson family are a wacky bunch of loons, so they’ll end up passing the buck to sunshine, moon light, good times and boogie.
World renowned musician and court visitor Michael Jackson was always having money problems. After blowing wads of cash on crap that wouldn’t appear in Sunday newspaper supplements, the king of pop died in a lot of debt.
You’d therefore expect the Jackson clan to not follow in his footsteps and be more money-minded. That would make sense wouldn’t it? But in true Jackson fashion, the other family members have made a complete mess of everything. And step forward Jermaine Jackson who is in trouble for, allegedly, slacking on child payments. The monster!
Have you ever had a dream where at the time everything seems perfectly normal and reasonable? You know, like that talking dog who gave you directions to the local off-license or that rubbish superpower that allows you to squirt orange juice out your nipples? But when the alarm goes off, it’s nothing but a messed up thought in your mind.
We similarly went through the same process when we picked up the morning papers and saw a story featuring the once popular king of pop Michael Jackson and eccentric shop owner Mohammed Al Fayed.
Hilariously there was some sort of talk about a statue of the late singer being placed outside Craven Cottage, the home of Fullham FC who Mohammed Al Fayed owns. After trying to wake ourselves up we had that moment of dread which means we’re either trapped in a dream like universe, or this story is potentially real.
There are multiple reasons why we’re proud to be British instead of Canadian. Not only do we have a delicious national dish known as the curry, but we have produced some of the greatest music in the world across all genres. In Canada, the same can’t be said. With a national delicacy of bashed seal heads severed with a side order of snow, it isn’t really a mouth watering dish.
Canada does however boast a bucket load of musicians but when you look at what’s been produced, you have to despair for the poor nation. How about six year old Justin Bieber? Or if you want something more grown up, you can always rock out to Bryan Adams.
However, the queen bee of Canadian music is none other than Celine Dion, a woman who made the awful film Titanic even worse. She’s been off the radar of late after giving birth (and being booed and bullied by the people of Canada at a show – go team!), but the alarm bells are going in music land. A live comeback is being threatened with an odd tribute to Michael Jackson.
10 - THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER ONE…
9 - Who wants to make people out of acorns? – Craftjr
8 - Oh Pamela Anderson. Ick – AmyGrindhouse
7 – OLD BOOZE – Asylum
6 - THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER TWO…
5 - Seven awesome things about a Celine Dion magazine cover - BestWeekEver
4 - Giant, slow-motion popping bubbles – Geekologie
3 - Ronnie Corbett’s Supper Club sounds AWESOME – WatchWithMothers
2 - Warning: you will never be able to unwatch this – Warmingglow
1 - THE GREATEST VIDEO OF THE LAST FIVE YEARS, NUMBER THREE…
The only thing that Celine Dion ever wanted was a family. And some teeth that didn’t look like shattered off-white crockery.
The teeth she fixed long ago. But the family? That’s been harder to achieve. But finally, after what seems like endless rounds of IFV treatments, she’s got there – Celine Dion has finally become pregnant again. And what’s more, this time she’s become pregnant with twins.
It’s truly wonderful news. Not only will Celine Dion get to raise the biological children that she’s openly longed for since 2001, but her son Rene-Charles will now get some siblings to play with. And, if we’re really lucky, the stress of motherhood will prove to be so gigantic that Celine Dion won’t release any more of her godawful music until they’ve all grown up and left home. Truly, this is a time to celebrate.
People are sick. We’ve thought long and hard about this, and the only sensible conclusion is that people are sick.
Take Las Vegas. People visit Las Vegas to spend all day standing around in a flashing, migraine-inducing, artificial air-filled casino that’s been designed with the express intention of getting people to part with every penny they own as effectively as possible.
And then, once they’ve lost everything in a series of games that they were statistically never going to win anyway, they go and see Celine Dion. Celine Dion, for crying out loud. And if you’re one of these sick idiots in question, you’ll be pleased to know that Celine Dion is going back to Las Vegas for another three-year residency. Weirdos.
