celebutante - HecklerSpray

And Now, Kim Kardashian Will Try To Convince You She Has A Soul

January 24th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Hahaha! Aw, bless! Kim Kardashian is making a tall claim. A really, really tall one. So tall, it’s a certifiable freak-show. Basically, she’s trying to convince us all that she’s got a soul. And with it, she’s searched it. A lot.

That’s right, the term, ‘soul-searching’ has been mentioned in the inevitable and orchestrated break-up between Kim K and thundering, hoof-footed ball tosser, Kris?Humphries.

Basically, that’s a lot of soul-searching over a 72-day marriage. The kind of soul-searching that saw the willfully stupid Kim going to the vapid, finance hungry Kardashian family for advice on what to do. It’s like Wuthering Heights or something.

Paris Hilton To Team Up With LMFAO To Make Ears Redundant Forever

January 18th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

How are your ears? Like having them? They’re great for holding your glasses up aren’t they? Pierced them? How nice. Alas, there’s one drawback with ears – you can hear stuff. Yep, all manner of useless dreck can creep in their and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Unless you stuff the canal with liquid concrete and then lop them off with cigar clippers.

And you may want to do exactly that because the most appalling news has come our way – Paris Hilton is making a pop comeback and she’s teaming up with zany-irony gobblers and ear-wormers, LMFAO. If you don’t know what that means, let us draw out the horror.

Paris Hilton Flaunts Her Vast Wealth In Bali Orphanage

November 17th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

It’s always nice when a grotesquely wealthy person goes to visit poor people. It gives them an ideal opportunity to perfect their worried, moved facial expressions. We’ve seen it with Angelina Jolie as she globetrots to the scrubbers.

And now, Paris Hilton is taking time out of her busy holidaying schedule to go and cry at some orphans in Bali.

That’s nice of her isn’t it? She was probably wearing make-up which cost more than all the orphans had ever possessed in their short, miserable lives. Still, CHARITY!

Ask Paris Hilton If She’s Past It And She’ll Strop Off And Then Show You A Kennel Posher Than Your House

July 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Paris Hilton is a woman who is, of yet, still to reveal her talents to us, despite being fantastically famous. Sure, she’s had a couple of television shows and a record out… but so has Handy Andy from Changing Rooms.

Doggedly, she remains. She is now famous simply by the virtue of willing it. She just keeps standing there and saying it. “I’m famous. I’m famous. I’m famous.” However, is her star on the wane?

In fact, are ‘celebutantes’ becoming a thing of the past? Whatever you do, don’t ask Paris that or she’ll promptly walk out on you in a massive huff.

hecklerspray Writer Gets Arrested Again For Stalking Paris Hilton

July 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

We’ve long enjoyed stalking celebrities in their homes. It gives us not only a sense of knowing the celebrity that little bit more, but also, a sense of achievement. Ever scaled an electrified security fence covered in vandal grease and then sneaked through a tiny lavatory window undetected? You haven’t lived.

Sadly though, the vandal paint provides an excellent tracking system as dirty great footprints chart your progress to-and-from the knicker drawer.

And we’ve found this out to our expense again as ‘scribe Dep. Ed., Michael Park has once again been arrested outside Paris Hilton’s Hollywood Hills home in Malibu. We’ve give the exact address but we’re hoarding it for ourselves and giving to it Michael as a gift on his release. We’ve also got a picture of Michael’s arrest for your delectation.

It’s Your Fault Paris Hilton Lost Her Star Power. And For That, We Thank You.

June 8th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

First things first. We’re using ‘star power’ in its loosest of meanings. As loose as a certain part of Paris Hilton’s very anatomy, you might say. She had some strange kind of fame that was based on a filthy tape that was meant to be sent to a nature channel but some perverts packaged it as another kind of tape – we’ll have you know, nature channels the world over are still feeling the loss.

Last week, Paris upped her promotional obligations ahead of the debut of her latest reality show. Appearing on show after show, Paris never seemed to realise that her original fans from a decade ago had aged out and had already moved on to Law & Order reruns.

Even appearing with her mother, who co-stars on the show, didn’t endear Paris to her audience.

Paris Hilton’s Boyfriend Keeps Getting Punched By A Lunatic

April 28th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

While many of us may have daydreamed about punching a celebrity, very few of us actually get around to doing it. That’s because that’s the actions of a madman. And mercifully for us, there’s a few mad sorts knocking around to do exactly that!

Yes indeed, there’s a chap in Hollywood who has been accused of punching Paris Hilton’s boyfriend. His name is Cy Waits. Not that you care.

Either way, a man has been arrested for (allegedly) Waits outside an L.A. courtroom. That comes on the back of this insane fella getting arrested for ‘an incident’ at Hilton’s home last year. And it gets better. Wait ’til you hear about him destined to marry Hilton.

Paris Hilton Is The World’s Thinnest Racist According To Somebody Or Other

March 25th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Paris Hilton doesn’t really have any noticeable talent but, like the best punks, she’s a very enthusiastic amateur in everything she does. People chuck opportunities her way and, like anyone, she’s says “sure, why not?”

She’s constantly indulging in the celebrity equivalent of overtime.? Some of you expect her to say “Um, no thanks… who ever fancied having a stab at pop stardom?” Dithering quarterwits.

And so, she’s tried acting, singing, failing to recognise the difference between gum and wraps of cocaine… she’s tried her hand at presenting, writing, fashion designing, claiming innocence over a probably intentional leak of a sex tape and, now, the latest string to her bow is racism. Or so someone claims who isn’t us, just in case a bunch of lawyers are looking on.

Paris Hilton’s Absinthe Cake Is Stolen From Her Birthday Party As Earth Enters End-Game

February 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Never let it be said that hecklerspray doesn’t bring you the really important, hard-hitting news. While every Tom, Dick and Harry tries their hand at overthrowing their government, Britain decides to close down libraries filled with the opportunity for self-improvement and betterment, the world stood still when the news broke of Paris Hilton’s birthday cake going missing.

We’re currently setting up a helpline for those of you who are going to be hit hard by this news (by which we mean ‘everyone on planet Earth’), but before that, you need to know what happened.

Paris Hilton celebrated her 30th birthday (three years ’til she hits the same age Jesus died at when he saved humankind from sin, much like Paris is trying to do by getting all the sins in she can so we don’t have to) and her cake went walkies.