Celebrities - HecklerSpray

The Terrible World of Celebrity Kiss and Tells

September 6th, 2012 By Chris Starr

Celebrity magazines have a lot to answer for. I won’t lie – I enjoy them. In fact, I revel in reading them. I even participate in the bear baiting, terrible news stories that are the stock-in-trade of these pieces of toilet paper. What you’re reading now is essentially a slightly more arch, more ironic digital extension of those magazines.

We poke fun at them here, but really we’re feeding the same beast. We’re prostrating ourselves and wearing the same dirty clothes, piling bodies onto conveyor belts to be shipped into the fiery inferno of celebrity gossip. I’m little better than red top rag journalists.

Gwyneth Paltrow Is So Dull She Gets Excited By English Pharmacies

March 30th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Gwyneth Paltrow has a tedious life. She’s married to Chris Martin from Coldplay for a kick-off. As such, she’s taken to standing in pharmacies in England and getting so excited that she could potentially soil herself.

No, we’re not twisting her words. She actually gets excited by chemists.

So is she getting in a tizz over those lollipops you can buy that act like slide whistles? Or does she like standing on those big old-fashioned scales by the front door? Not a chance. Remember, we’re dealing with a bore here.

Ashley Cole! Read The Lyrics To ‘Screw You’ By Cheryl Cole

March 29th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Despite the rumours that persist about Ashley Cole, he went and got married to Cheryl from Girls Aloud (despite the rumours that persist about her too). All was going swimmingly until Ashley started fooling around.

Overnight, the heartache meant that Cheryl Cole because the people’s princess. We forgot all about that toilet attendant business. Ashley Cole was public enemy number one!

And so, after a quiet spell, Chezza is back with a new song called Screw You and, well, while there’s no official word on it, it does sound a lot like a barbed attack on a certain ex husband. And the lyrics are rather fruity too!

Tulisa Runs Away To USA Where They Don’t Have The Internet Or Sarcasm

March 29th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Leave it! Two two’s naaah! Tulisa Contostavlos is fleeing the UK to hide away in the US after being repeatedly mocked over her sex tape with MC Ultra. Mainly because she doesn’t appear to be very good at giving gobbles.

The X Factor judge is planning to escape by heading to Miami to visit ?Terius Nash (or, The-Dream to you) who clearly doesn’t have the clout to be sarcastic about her sex tape and indeed, mustn’t have an internet connection like the rest of America.

So what’s The Female Boss (Female Nosh more like) saying about it all?

Rihanna Is Not Dating Ashton Kutcher, Stopping Advent Of World’s Most Ghoulish Couple

March 29th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Did you hear the one about Rihanna being romantically linked to Ashton Kutcher? If you didn’t, you’ve not been reading hecklerspray and, frankly, we hate you for that. There has been reports that the two were knocking their uglies together though.

A dreadful, honking notion, don’t you think?

Well, it seems RiRi isn’t letting The Kutch part her lips with his long, coyote-esque peen which is great news for Demi Moore who looked for all the world like she was going to top herself over the whole thing. So what does Ri have to say about it all?

Demi Moore Understandably Devastated By Ashton Kutcher And Rihanna Having It Off With Each Other

March 28th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

In what universe is it okay to see Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna in a relationship? Just how did we smite thee god, to end up with such a repugnant pair, followed closely by a broken Demi Moore?

This is what is happening according to reports and rumours.

The vapid Kutch is rumoured to be having a thing with the odious, wearisome faux-nymph Rihanna, which of course, is ruining Demi Moore who has been looking rather unhinged and fragile since Bruce Willis left her some time in 4,000BC.

Lindsay Lohan To Appear As Herself On Glee (Tragic)

March 28th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

After getting in trouble with her mental dad, God, drugs, the law and a jewellers, Lindsay Lohan has been doing her darnedest to get back into everyone’s good books. Then she nearly ran someone over in her Porsche.

At some point in all this, she thought she’d have a crack at comedy, appearing on Saturday Night Live. However, she got a royal kicking there, which surely left her weighing up a drink and drugs binge. Why bother getting good if you’re just going to get slapped around?

Well, in what could potentially be Last Chance Saloon for LiLo, she’s going to try and put her SNL fiasco behind her and appear on?Glee. As herself. Does that mean shagging pornstars and crying onto an ankle tag? God we hope so.

Justin Bieber Explains How To Be A Good Boyfriend (Does It Include Unsavoury Views On Abortion?)

March 27th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Justin Bieber has released a new song called ‘Boyfriend’ and absolutely no-one over the age of 10 who isn’t an outrageous pederast gives two hoots. However, it does give him the chance to talk about things he has little-to-no clue about.

See, some idiot decided to talk to him like he was a fully formed human, despite the fact the top of his head is still soft and he’s got no noticeable fingerprints.

Basically, Justin ‘not a hair on his balls’ Bieber is going to tell you, world weary and experienced, how to be a good boyfriend.

Rihanna Wants To Show You Her Underboob, Leaving Us All Very Weary [NSFW]

August 14th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Rihanna. She likes sex. We geddit. She really, really likes sex. Talking about sex. She likes that too. And having sex. In a bed. With no clothes on. And getting her boobies out.

Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.

Say it over and over out loud, and soon the word loses all meaning and breaks down, sounding like suh-eh-ck-ss or some other utter nonsense. However, that doesn’t stop Rihanna from ramming her sexual self down everyone’s throats until only the simple and pimpled remain caring. And now, we have some pictures of Rihanna with very few clothes on indeed… and y’know something? We’re really quite bored now.

GaGa Reminds Madonna To Be Madonna, Madonna Gets Video Banned For Being Too Raunchy

March 26th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Madonna was at the top of the pop tree for so long that she got bloated. She indulged in dumb mysticism and since then, made some flabby pop albums and looked so very, very old and infirm.

Of course, an old and infirm Madonna is still much better value than a thousand Rihanna’s, but something interesting happened in the shape of Lady GaGa.

Basically, GaGa reminded Madge what she was supposed to be. And in Her Madgesty’s latest video – Girls Gone Wild – you can see how GaGa has influenced Madonna, who influenced GaGa in the first place. It’s a circle jerk that’s ended up in the customary VIDEO HAS BEEN BANNED FOR BEING TOO RUDE.