Articles tagged with: celebrity weddings
An apology: yesterday we said that Mariah Carey would never marry Nick Cannon because they've only just met and nobody's that stupid. We now solemnly swear to never underestimate the stupidity of another celebrity again. And that's because Mariah Carey has got married to Nick Cannon. According to various reports, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon got married earlier this week in the Bahamas after knowing each other for just over a month. Nothing's been officially confirmed by either Mariah or Nick yet, though, which sort of makes this a repeat of the Jay-Z and Beyonce wedding, if Beyonce was a bloke we'd never heard of and Jay-Z was an annoying woman who had a mental breakdown quite recently.
Nobody really knows for sure if Jay-Z and Beyonce got married recently - sure, there may be unquestionable proof that they did, but nobody knows for sure. Admittedly Mary J Blige said that Jay-Z and Beyonce were married, plus they both applied for a marriage license right before the alleged wedding, plus the woman who did the flowers for the wedding said that Jay-Z and Beyonce were married and they've both been seen wearing giant wedding rings, but nobody can really say for sure if they're actually married or not. And, yes, admittedly Jay-Z and Beyonce have also just filed their marriage license and a town clerk has confirmed that they are definitely married, but look inside your heart, people. Is it telling you that Jay-Z and Beyonce are really married? It is? It is? Oh, well in that case they probably are married, then. Carry on.
Most divorced couples hate the guts out of each other, but Donald and Ivana Trump don't - Donald and Ivana Trump have got class. We're just kidding. Donald Trump and Ivana Trump aren't classy at all - they're essentially just incredibly wealthy chavs who don't like anything unless it's covered in repulsive amounts of gold - but they still like each other, and that was our original point. How much do Donald Trump and Ivana Trump like each other? So much that when Ivana Trump got married for the fourth time this weekend, she got married on Donald Trump's estate. In front of Donald Trump. In a ceremony conducted by Donald Trump's sister. There's a rumour that Ivana Trump will also only make love to her new husband if he's wearing a Donald Trump facemask, but that's probably untrue because - christ - imagine having sex with Donald Trump. Bleurgh.
Jay-Z and Beyonce wanted their wedding to be a special, private affair - something they could say was theirs without intrusion from the outside world. So, in retrospect, maybe Jay-Z and Beyonce shouldn't have hired the world's gobbiest florist to decorate their apartment, because that florist - Amy Vongpitaka - has pretty much blabbed off about every single little aspect of their wedding in excruciating detail to a magazine. On and on and on she went, yapping away to nobody in particular about garlands and blooms and blah blah blah. Warning: the following scenes contain endless talk about floristry that some readers might find a bit tedious.
Mary J Blige is the Simon Says of modern celebrity culture - if Blige doesn't pass comment on it then it never really happened.
So with that in mind it's safe to assume that Jay-Z and Beyonce really did get married on Friday, because Mary J Blige kicked off a co-headlining concert with Jay-Z on Saturday by shouting "Congratulations to my man Jay-Z and my girl B!"
Which makes it indisputable that Jay-Z and Beyonce are really married, unless Mary J Blige was congratulating them on something else, of course - like finding buried treasure on a beach with a metal detector, for example, or for making a tiny hat that's the perfect size for a duck's head, or for stringing the world on for so long about whether they're married or not that most people would rather swallow broken glass than think about Jay-Z or Beyonce for another second. Who knows?
Singing businessman Jay-Z has finally made an honest woman of his hitherto ho-beau Beyonce Knowles.
According to People.Com, the couple held a private wedding ceremony at Jay-Z's New York apartment yesterday evening, to which only close friends and family were invited.
They didn’t even have the common decency to invite the press. How are we to trust them? What are they so afraid of us seeing? Would we have found out the service was being funded by Jay-Z’s links to nineteenth century slave trade profiteering?
The ongoing will they/won't they marriage flap between Jay-Z and Beyonce has literally got like six people quite near the edge of their seats.
Every couple of months there'll be a story about how Jay-Z and Beyonce secretly got married in a far-off country, only for it to be shot down later by people bored enough to actually check up on these things.
But now? Now Jay-Z and Beyonce are definitely going to get married because they've just taken out a marriage license. That's right - at some point over the next 60 days there's definitely going to be a Jay-Z wedding. We'd suggest it takes place on May 14th - because there's nothing more romantic than a wedding that takes place on the 212th anniversary of the smallpox vaccination being first administered.
