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celebrity weddings

Jay-Z & Beyonce Wedding: Mary J Blige Confirms, Unless She Doesn’t

by Stuart Heritage

Mary J Blige is the Simon Says of modern celebrity culture – if Blige doesn’t pass comment on it then it never really happened.

So with that in mind it’s safe to assume that Jay-Z and Beyonce really did get married on Friday, because Mary J Blige kicked off a co-headlining concert with Jay-Z on Saturday by shouting “Congratulations to my man Jay-Z and my girl B!”

Which makes it indisputable that Jay-Z and Beyonce are really married, unless Mary J Blige was congratulating them on something else, of course – like finding buried treasure on a beach with a metal detector, for example, or for making a tiny hat that’s the perfect size for a duck’s head, or for stringing the world on for so long about whether they’re married or not that most people would rather swallow broken glass than think about Jay-Z or Beyonce for another second. Who knows?

Mary J Blige is the Simon Says of modern celebrity culture - if Blige doesn't pass comment on it then it never really happened. So with that in mind it's safe to assume that Jay-Z and Beyonce really did get married on Friday, because Mary J Blige kicked off a co-headlining concert with Jay-Z on Saturday by shouting "Congratulations to my man Jay-Z and my girl B!" Which makes it indisputable that Jay-Z and Beyonce are really married, unless Mary J Blige was congratulating them on something else, of course - like finding buried treasure on a beach with a metal detector, for example, or for making a tiny hat that's the perfect size for a duck's head, or for stringing the world on for so long about whether they're married or not that most people would rather swallow broken glass than think about Jay-Z or Beyonce for another second. Who knows?
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Jay-Z Turns Beyonce From A ‘Beaaatch’ Into A Wifey

by hecklerspray staff

Jay-Z Turns Beyonce From A Bitch Into A WifeySinging businessman Jay-Z has finally made an honest woman of his hitherto ho-beau Beyonce Knowles.

According to People.Com, yesterday evening the couple held a private wedding ceremony at Jay-Z’s New York apartment, to which only close friends and family were invited.

They didn’t even have the common decency to invite the press. How are we to trust them? What are they so afraid of us seeing? Would we have found out the service was being funded by Jay-Z’s links to nineteenth century slave trade profiteering?

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Jay-Z & Beyonce Definitely Getting Married, Probably

by Stuart Heritage

The ongoing will they/won’t they marriage flap between Jay-Z and Beyonce has literally got like six people quite near the edge of their seats.

Every couple of months there’ll be a story about how Jay-Z and Beyonce secretly got married in a far-off country, only for it to be shot down later by people bored enough to actually check up on these things.

But now? Now Jay-Z and Beyonce are definitely going to get married because they’ve just taken out a marriage license. That’s right – at some point over the next 60 days there’s definitely going to be a Jay-Z wedding. We’d suggest it takes place on May 14th – because there’s nothing more romantic than a wedding that takes place on the 212th anniversary of the smallpox vaccination being first administered.

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Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie Wedding: Officially Booty-Cheddar

by Stuart Heritage

The world wants Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to get married so badly that it’ll pretty much believe anything.

Like that Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie wedding that was supposed to have taken place in New Orleans on Saturday, for example. You know, the one that never happened.

Star magazine, which claimed Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married on Saturday, has now admitted that the whole report was a bunch of cobblers all along. The Pitt/Jolie non-wedding is pretty much good news for all sorts of reasons, though. Not only will it allow for another furiously inept media scrum the next time Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don’t get married, but – girls – this means that you can start kidding yourselves that you have a shot at Brad Pitt again! Exciting!

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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Getting Married! Once They’ve Stopped Fighting!

by Stuart Heritage

Reports of a wedding between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are always on and off – but now the wedding is definitely on. Unless it’s off.

Apparently Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been planning a wedding for some time now, which would be great, except for the giant screaming tantrums they keep having at each other because they can’t agree on where to have it.

According to Star magazine, Brad Pitt wants the wedding to take place in New Orleans, while Angelina Jolie would prefer to have it in France. There’s an obvious compromise to all this, of course – Brad and Angelina should meet in the middle, right in the centre of the Atlantic ocean, 1,500 miles out to sea. We’ll even provide the concrete shoes if they ask us nicely.

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Eddie Murphy Splits With Wife After Two Whole Weeks

by Stuart Heritage

By getting married to Tracey Edmonds on New Year’s Day, Eddie Murphy proved to the world that he was a responsible, mature adult and not the prize bell-end that everyone thought.

And now that the he’s proved that to the world, Eddie Murphy’s chucked her.

Yes, two whole weeks after getting married, Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds have split up. Eddie Murphy must be distraught – he didn’t even get the chance to knock Tracey up, let alone angrily deny that he had anything to do with the pregnancy.

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Mouthy Old Katherine Heigl Gets Herself Married

by Stuart Heritage

Aside from the shouty homophobic one, the one who was in that Disney film, the bony one, the one from Sideways and the gay one, Katherine Heigl is easily the breakout star from TV’s Grey’s Anatomy.

But even a big star like Katherine Heigl needs to keep herself grounded, and that’s why she spent last week getting married in Utah. Katherine Heigl has married Josh Kelley, who recently hit the record books for being the least famous musician ever, even beating that weird Asian kid who sits outside Debenhams playing the theme-tune to The Simpsons on a cello over and over again. To her credit, Katherine Heigl looked thrilled to be finally getting married, although with her reputation it’s only going to be a matter of days before she gives a big long bitter interview to a leading glossy magazine all about how much she hates weddings, husbands, honeymoons, confetti and happiness.

Aside from the shouty homophobic one, the one who was in that Disney film, the bony one, the one from Sideways and the gay one, Katherine Heigl is easily the breakout star from TV's Grey's Anatomy. But even a big star like Katherine Heigl needs to keep herself grounded, and that's why she spent last week getting married in Utah. Katherine Heigl has married Josh Kelley, who recently hit the record books for being the least famous musician ever, even beating that weird Asian kid who sits outside Debenhams playing the theme-tune to The Simpsons on a cello over and over again. To her credit, Katherine Heigl looked thrilled to be finally getting married, although with her reputation it's only going to be a matter of days before she gives a big long bitter interview to a leading glossy magazine all about how much she hates weddings, husbands, honeymoons, confetti and happiness.
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Nick Lachey & Vanessa Minnillo Not Especially Married

by Stuart Heritage

As we all know, the day that Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get married will be the day that global warming reverses, all wars stop and mankind lives peacefully under its new kind-hearted demi-god rulers.

Either that or MTV will just cynically lob out a crappy spoon-fed reality TV show about all the zany, slightly staged-looking shenanigans that Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get up to. One or the other. We can’t remember which. Anyway, that doesn’t matter for now, because Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo aren’t married despite a flurry of rumours that their wedding was due to take place this weekend. But, hey, let’s not get too downhearted because Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo didn’t get married – we’re not so much losing a wedding here as mercifully gaining another week without seeing Nick and Vanessa gurning out from the cover of an OK! magazine wedding special like a couple of wrong morons.

As we all know, the day that Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get married will be the day that global warming reverses, all wars stop and mankind lives peacefully under its new kind-hearted demi-god rulers. Either that or MTV will just cynically lob out a crappy spoon-fed reality TV show about all the zany, slightly staged-looking shenanigans that Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get up to. One or the other. We can't remember which. Anyway, that doesn't matter for now, because Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo aren't married despite a flurry of rumours that their wedding was due to take place this weekend. But, hey, let's not get too downhearted because Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo didn't get married - we're not so much losing a wedding here as mercifully gaining another week without seeing Nick and Vanessa gurning out from the cover of an OK! magazine wedding special like a couple of wrong morons.
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Some Woman From Grey’s Anatomy Gets Married

by Stuart Heritage

There’s nothing like a punch-up at a wedding, so you’d expect that the wedding of Ellen Pompeo from Grey’s Anatomy – the fightiest show on TV – would end up looking like a deleted scene from 300, wouldn’t you.

Sadly, nothing of the sort took place on Friday when Ellen Pompeo married her boyfriend Chris Ivery in New York. In fact, Ellen Pompeo’s wedding was so low-key that not even Ellen Pompeo’s own father knew of it until after it happened. But can you blame Ellen Pompeo for keeping it a secret? After all, with the bickering and fighting on the Grey’s Anatomy set of late, Ellen must’ve been worried that her co-stars would have used chunks of human flesh as confetti if they’d have been invited. Plus the last thing anyone wants at their wedding is for Isaiah Washington to punctuate the vicar’s “Does anyone here present know of any reason…” speech by shrieking the word “FAGGOT!”

There's nothing like a punch-up at a wedding, so you'd expect that the wedding of Ellen Pompeo from Grey's Anatomy - the fightiest show on TV - would end up looking like a deleted scene from 300, wouldn't you. Sadly, nothing of the sort took place on Friday when Ellen Pompeo married her boyfriend Chris Ivery in New York. In fact, Ellen Pompeo's wedding was so low-key that not even Ellen Pompeo's own father knew of it until after it happened. But can you blame Ellen Pompeo for keeping it a secret? After all, with the bickering and fighting on the Grey's Anatomy set of late, Ellen must've been worried that her co-stars would have used chunks of human flesh as confetti if they'd have been invited. Plus the last thing anyone wants at their wedding is for Isaiah Washington to punctuate the vicar's "Does anyone here present know of any reason..." speech by shrieking the word "FAGGOT!"
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