Articles tagged with: celebrity weddings
Timbaland Marries Same Woman Twice In One Month – Second Time With Different Drumbeats
Seriously - we are so lonely.
Timbaland’s not lonely anymore though – and he proved it with an island wedding that may or may not be officially recognised in the United States. He got married a day or two ago – to a woman who didn’t complain one bit when their first dance was to a 43-minute remixed Nelly Furtado song.
When hecklerspray met the love of its life, it gently released her from the giant steel bear trap that had snapped her ankle in two.
Then we looked her right in the eyes, tucked her sweat-covered hair behind an ear and said: "We knew we’d find you. That’s why we’ve been baiting this trap once a week for the past ten years.”
Seriously - we are so lonely.
Timbaland’s not lonely anymore though – and he proved it with an island wedding that may or may not be officially recognised in the United States. He got married a day or two ago – to a woman who didn’t complain one bit when their first dance was to a 43-minute remixed Nelly Furtado song.
Charlie Sheen Marries Another Bitter Divorcee-In-Waiting
If we were to make a list of women we'd want to attack in an angry display of jealousy, then Charlie Sheen's new wife Brooke Mueller would be top of the list. Why? Because she's married to Charlie Sheen, that's why! We've had our eye on him for ages and, by getting married to him on Friday, Brooke Mueller has swiped him right out from under our noses. We'll never get to star in a bitter reality TV show about why we hate our ex-husband Charlie Sheen now! Never! Brooke Mueller, you heed our words - next time you spy Charlie Sheen looking at internet porn sites featuring very young girls or get caught on the wrong end of a foul-mouthed Charlie Sheen tirade about why it's funny that your mother's got cancer, remember that the crushing, life-sapping sense of anguish you feel was meant for us. Us!
If we were to make a list of women we'd want to attack in an angry display of jealousy, then Charlie Sheen's new wife Brooke Mueller would be top of the list. Why? Because she's married to Charlie Sheen, that's why! We've had our eye on him for ages and, by getting married to him on Friday, Brooke Mueller has swiped him right out from under our noses. We'll never get to star in a bitter reality TV show about why we hate our ex-husband Charlie Sheen now! Never! Brooke Mueller, you heed our words - next time you spy Charlie Sheen looking at internet porn sites featuring very young girls or get caught on the wrong end of a foul-mouthed Charlie Sheen tirade about why it's funny that your mother's got cancer, remember that the crushing, life-sapping sense of anguish you feel was meant for us. Us!
Relax Everyone, Pete Wentz & Ashlee Simpson Signed A Pre-Nup
Admit it; when Pete Wentz got married, you thought it was a ploy so Ashlee Simpson could get her claws on the Fall Out Boy millions. But it wasn't. The only thing that brought Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson together was love, along with a deep-seated suspicion that at least one of them was pregnant. And to prove it, Pete Wentz has graciously gone public and started spouting off about the sweet pre-nup he got before his wedding. Phew, at least this means that when Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson invariably get divorced at some point in the next 18 months, the only assets they'll have to divide will be their earnings from whatever godawful reality TV show they're bound to want to make soon.
Admit it; when Pete Wentz got married, you thought it was a ploy so Ashlee Simpson could get her claws on the Fall Out Boy millions. But it wasn't. The only thing that brought Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson together was love, along with a deep-seated suspicion that at least one of them was pregnant. And to prove it, Pete Wentz has graciously gone public and started spouting off about the sweet pre-nup he got before his wedding. Phew, at least this means that when Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson invariably get divorced at some point in the next 18 months, the only assets they'll have to divide will be their earnings from whatever godawful reality TV show they're bound to want to make soon.
Jessica Alba Gets Married, Shotgun Style
As the Bible states, "If thou accidentally knock a girl up and can't convince her to get rid of it, thou has to marry her." And if anyone knows that it's Cash Warren, the man who recently managed to get Jessica Alba pregnant. Because, frightened that God would curse the baby with stupidity or - worse still - not looking like Jessica Alba if He found out that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have snuck off and got married. So congratulations to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. When we get married, we want it to do it in a last-minute panic because an unplanned pregnancy has ruined the rest of our lives, too. That Jessica Alba, she's so lucky.
As the Bible states, "If thou accidentally knock a girl up and can't convince her to get rid of it, thou has to marry her." And if anyone knows that it's Cash Warren, the man who recently managed to get Jessica Alba pregnant. Because, frightened that God would curse the baby with stupidity or - worse still - not looking like Jessica Alba if He found out that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have snuck off and got married. So congratulations to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. When we get married, we want it to do it in a last-minute panic because an unplanned pregnancy has ruined the rest of our lives, too. That Jessica Alba, she's so lucky.
Mr Sulu To Gay-Marry Everyone, Or Just His Boyfriend Or Whatever
Everyone loves a good homemade honeymoon sex video that's been leaked onto the internet, don't they? Which is why everyone should prepare themselves for the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes. Or, to be more precise, the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes featuring a 71-year-old Asian man humping his 54-year-old husband with every ounce of strength left in his feeble body. That's right - George Takei fron Star Trek is getting married! News of George Takei's wedding comes hot on the heels of California overturning its ban on gay marriage. And, as happy as we are that George Takei can formalise a relationship he's had for 21 years, maybe this new law will make it easier for other closeted gay actors to finally come out and stop living a lie. That's right, Doogie Howser, we're looking at you.
Everyone loves a good homemade honeymoon sex video that's been leaked onto the internet, don't they? Which is why everyone should prepare themselves for the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes. Or, to be more precise, the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes featuring a 71-year-old Asian man humping his 54-year-old husband with every ounce of strength left in his feeble body. That's right - George Takei fron Star Trek is getting married! News of George Takei's wedding comes hot on the heels of California overturning its ban on gay marriage. And, as happy as we are that George Takei can formalise a relationship he's had for 21 years, maybe this new law will make it easier for other closeted gay actors to finally come out and stop living a lie. That's right, Doogie Howser, we're looking at you.
Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz Wedding: The Daddy-Heavy Details
Saturday's Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding may have been the wedding of the year, proving forever that this is a lame-ass year. But maybe you really do think that the Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding was the wedding of the year. Maybe you genuinely believe that the love between Ashlee and Pete is deep and genuine and true and pure and everlasting. Maybe, in other words, you're an idiot. If so then you'll want to read on, because a whole bunch of new Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding secrets have got out. And, somewhat brilliantly, they all seem to involve Ashlee's overbearing father Joe Simpson, who was so heavily involved in the whole shebang that you can't help but sense his disappointment that it wasn't him getting married to his own 23-year-old daughter. Possibly.
Saturday's Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding may have been the wedding of the year, proving forever that this is a lame-ass year. But maybe you really do think that the Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding was the wedding of the year. Maybe you genuinely believe that the love between Ashlee and Pete is deep and genuine and true and pure and everlasting. Maybe, in other words, you're an idiot. If so then you'll want to read on, because a whole bunch of new Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding secrets have got out. And, somewhat brilliantly, they all seem to involve Ashlee's overbearing father Joe Simpson, who was so heavily involved in the whole shebang that you can't help but sense his disappointment that it wasn't him getting married to his own 23-year-old daughter. Possibly.
Ashlee Simpson Gets Married, Turns Out She’s Pregnant
Hooray for love and life! Ashlee Simpson has married Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz and has a little celebrity hybrid leeching on her insides.
They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale wedding ceremony (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.
Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:
There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me. Oh yeah, hecklerspray knows how to hunt down a witch!
Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz Totally Getting Married On Saturday
Everyone loves a nice wedding, don't they? Or failing that, a mediocre wedding. Or failing that, a wedding between Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. And it's a good job that everyone loves that, because it's been reported that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are going to get married this very Saturday. We know! It clashes with Norwegian Constitution Day! We're so torn! But what about the details of this Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz marriage extravaganza? Has it been officially confirmed? No. Where will it be held? We don't know. Does this mean that Pete Wentz definitely knocked Ashlee Simpson up? Probably. What if he hasn't? Then they're both idiots. How long will this marriage last, anyway? Probably like a week, maybe.
Everyone loves a nice wedding, don't they? Or failing that, a mediocre wedding. Or failing that, a wedding between Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. And it's a good job that everyone loves that, because it's been reported that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are going to get married this very Saturday. We know! It clashes with Norwegian Constitution Day! We're so torn! But what about the details of this Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz marriage extravaganza? Has it been officially confirmed? No. Where will it be held? We don't know. Does this mean that Pete Wentz definitely knocked Ashlee Simpson up? Probably. What if he hasn't? Then they're both idiots. How long will this marriage last, anyway? Probably like a week, maybe.
