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celebrity weddings

Jessica Alba Gets Married, Shotgun Style

by Stuart Heritage

As the Bible states, “If thou accidentally knock a girl up and can’t convince her to get rid of it, thou has to marry her.”

And if anyone knows that it’s Cash Warren, the man who recently managed to get Jessica Alba pregnant. Because, frightened that God would curse the baby with stupidity or – worse still – not looking like Jessica Alba if He found out that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have snuck off and got married.

So congratulations to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. When we get married, we want it to do it in a last-minute panic because an unplanned pregnancy has ruined the rest of our lives, too. That Jessica Alba, she’s so lucky.

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Mr Sulu To Gay-Marry Everyone, Or Just His Boyfriend Or Whatever

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone loves a good homemade honeymoon sex video that’s been leaked onto the internet, don’t they?

Which is why everyone should prepare themselves for the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes. Or, to be more precise, the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes featuring a 71-year-old Asian man humping his 54-year-old husband with every ounce of strength left in his feeble body. That’s right – George Takei fron Star Trek is getting married!

News of George Takei’s wedding comes hot on the heels of California overturning its ban on gay marriage. And, as happy as we are that George Takei can formalise a relationship he’s had for 21 years, maybe this new law will make it easier for other closeted gay actors to finally come out and stop living a lie. That’s right, Doogie Howser, we’re looking at you.

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Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz Wedding: The Daddy-Heavy Details

by Stuart Heritage

Saturday’s Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding may have been the wedding of the year, proving forever that this is a lame-ass year.

But maybe you really do think that the Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding was the wedding of the year. Maybe you genuinely believe that the love between Ashlee and Pete is deep and genuine and true and pure and everlasting. Maybe, in other words, you’re an idiot.

If so then you’ll want to read on, because a whole bunch of new Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz wedding secrets have got out. And, somewhat brilliantly, they all seem to involve Ashlee’s overbearing father Joe Simpson, who was so heavily involved in the whole shebang that you can’t help but sense his disappointment that it wasn’t him getting married to his own 23-year-old daughter. Possibly.

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Ashlee Simpson Gets Married, Turns Out She’s Pregnant

by Paul Sorrenti

Hooray for love and life! Ashlee Simpson has married Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz and has a little celebrity hybrid leeching on her insides.

They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) wedding ceremony and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.

Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:

There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me.

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Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz Totally Getting Married On Saturday

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone loves a nice wedding, don’t they? Or failing that, a mediocre wedding. Or failing that, a wedding between Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz.

And it’s a good job that everyone loves that, because it’s been reported that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are going to get married this very Saturday. We know! It clashes with Norwegian Constitution Day! We’re so torn!

But what about the details of this Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz marriage extravaganza? Has it been officially confirmed? No. Where will it be held? We don’t know. Does this mean that Pete Wentz definitely knocked Ashlee Simpson up? Probably. What if he hasn’t? Then they’re both idiots. How long will this marriage last, anyway? Probably like a week maybe.

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Mariah Carey Marries That Bloke, Which Is Mental

by Stuart Heritage

An apology: yesterday we said that Mariah Carey would never marry Nick Cannon because they’ve only just met and nobody’s that stupid.

We now solemnly swear to never underestimate the stupidity of another celebrity again. And that’s because Mariah Carey has got married to Nick Cannon.

According to various reports, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon got married earlier this week in the Bahamas after knowing each other for just over a month. Nothing’s been officially confirmed by either Mariah or Nick yet, though, which sort of makes this a repeat of the Jay-Z and Beyonce wedding, if Beyonce was a bloke we’d never heard of and Jay-Z was an annoying woman who had a mental breakdown quite recently.

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Jay-Z & Beyonce Really Married After All, Then

by Stuart Heritage

Nobody really knows for sure if Jay-Z and Beyonce got married recently – sure, there may be unquestionable proof that they did, but nobody knows for sure.

Admittedly Mary J Blige said that Jay-Z and Beyonce were married, plus they both applied for a marriage license right before the alleged wedding, plus the woman who did the flowers for the wedding said that Jay-Z andBeyonce were married and they’ve both been seen wearing giant wedding rings, but nobody can really say for sure if they’re actually married or not.

And, yes, admittedly Jay-Z and Beyonce have also just filed their marriage license and a town clerk has confirmed that they are definitely married, but look inside your heart, people. Is it telling you that Jay-Z andBeyonce are really married? It is? It is? Oh, well in that case they probably are married, then. Carry on.

Nobody really knows for sure if Jay-Z and Beyonce got married recently - sure, there may be unquestionable proof that they did, but nobody knows for sure. Admittedly Mary J Blige said that Jay-Z and Beyonce were married, plus they both applied for a marriage license right before the alleged wedding, plus the woman who did the flowers for the wedding said that Jay-Z andBeyonce were married and they've both been seen wearing giant wedding rings, but nobody can really say for sure if they're actually married or not. And, yes, admittedly Jay-Z and Beyonce have also just filed their marriage license and a town clerk has confirmed that they are definitely married, but look inside your heart, people. Is it telling you that Jay-Z andBeyonce are really married? It is? It is? Oh, well in that case they probably are married, then. Carry on.
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Donald Trump’s Ex-Wife Gets Married In Donald Trump’s Garden

by Stuart Heritage

Most divorced couples hate the guts out of each other, but Donald and Ivana Trump don’t – Donald and Ivana Trump have got class.

We’re just kidding. Donald Trump and Ivana Trump aren’t classy at all – they’re essentially just incredibly wealthy chavs who don’t like anything unless it’s covered in repulsive amounts of gold – but they still like each other, and that was our original point.

How much do Donald Trump and Ivana Trump like each other? So much that when Ivana Trump got married for the fourth time this weekend, she got married on Donald Trump’s estate. In front of Donald Trump. In a ceremony conducted by Donald Trump’s sister. There’s a rumour that Ivana Trump will also only make love to her new husband if he’s wearing a Donald Trump facemask, but that’s probably untrue because – christ – imagine having sex with Donald Trump. Bleurgh.

Most divorced couples hate the guts out of each other, but Donald and Ivana Trump don't - Donald and Ivana Trump have got class. We're just kidding. Donald Trump and Ivana Trump aren't classy at all - they're essentially just incredibly wealthy chavs who don't like anything unless it's covered in repulsive amounts of gold - but they still like each other, and that was our original point. How much do Donald Trump and Ivana Trump like each other? So much that when Ivana Trump got married for the fourth time this weekend, she got married on Donald Trump's estate. In front of Donald Trump. In a ceremony conducted by Donald Trump's sister. There's a rumour that Ivana Trump will also only make love to her new husband if he's wearing a Donald Trump facemask, but that's probably untrue because - christ - imagine having sex with Donald Trump. Bleurgh.
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More Mental Than Ever Britney Spears To Remarry K-Fed?

by Paul Sorrenti

More Mental Than Ever Britney To Remarry K-Fed?Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent a weekend away together in Maui, where they chatted about getting back together, the possibility of remarrying and becoming a family again for their two toddlers.

And, according to OK! Magazine, upon their return, Britney presented Kevin with a belated £69,000 30th birthday present.

£69,000! Wow, what did she get him? A small house? A big car? A new and improved genetically modified brain that can come up with better lyrics than: “I’m not your brother, I’m not your uncle, I’m Daddy do, Steppin’ in this game and y’all ain’t got a clue”? Nope, none of those things. Can you guess? That’s right; a watch.

A fucking £69k time keeping device. Why not just take a look at the position of the sun? It’s completely free of charge!

More Mental Than Ever Britney To Remarry K-Fed?Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have spent a weekend away together in Maui, where they chatted about getting back together, the possibility of remarrying and becoming a family again for their two toddlers. And, according to OK! Magazine, upon their return, Britney presented Kevin with a belated £69,000 30th birthday present. £69,000! Wow, what did she get him? A small house? A big car? A new and improved genetically modified brain that can come up with better lyrics than: “I'm not your brother, I'm not your uncle, I'm Daddy do, Steppin' in this game and y'all ain't got a clue”? Nope, none of those things. Can you guess? That’s right; a watch. A fucking £69k time keeping device. Why not just take a look at the position of the sun? It’s completely free of charge!
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Jay-Z & Beyonce Wedding: Finally! The Florist Speaks!

by Stuart Heritage

Jay-Z and Beyonce wanted their wedding to be a special, private affair – something they could say was theirs without intrusion from the outside world.

So, in retrospect, maybe Jay-Z and Beyonce shouldn’t have hired the world’s gobbiest florist to decorate their apartment, because that florist – Amy Vongpitaka – has pretty much blabbed off about every single little aspect of their wedding in excruciating detail to a magazine. On and on and on she went, yapping away to nobody in particular about garlands and blooms and blah blah blah.

Warning: the following scenes contain endless talk about floristry that some readers might find a bit tedious.

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