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celebrity weddings

Scarlett Johansson Marries Ryan Reynolds, Nobody Knows Why

by Stuart Heritage

Scarlett Johansson – one of the most beautiful actresses in the world who could literally take her pick of any man alive – has just got married.

But who has Scarlett Johansson got married to? A king? James Bond? A philanthropic playboy billionaire? Pre-goose Fabio? No. Scarlett Johansson has got married to Ryan Reynolds – the man who you’ll probably recognise as the bloke you wanted to punch square in the face for the entire duration of that Definitely, Maybe film your girlfriend made you go and see.

Apparently Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynold’s wedding was a small, quiet affair attended by only a handful of people. That’s not to say that more people weren’t invited – they just never got round to replying because they’ve all been scratching their heads and going “Ryan Reynolds? Why?” ever since the invitations arrived.

Scarlett Johansson - one of the most beautiful actresses in the world who could literally take her pick of any man alive - has just got married. But who has Scarlett Johansson got married to? A king? James Bond? A philanthropic playboy billionaire? Pre-goose Fabio? No. Scarlett Johansson has got married to Ryan Reynolds - the man who you'll probably recognise as the bloke you wanted to punch square in the face for the entire duration of that Definitely, Maybe film your girlfriend made you go and see. Apparently Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynold's wedding was a small, quiet affair attended by only a handful of people. That's not to say that more people weren't invited - they just never got round to replying because they've all been scratching their heads and going "Ryan Reynolds? Why?" ever since the invitations arrived.
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Sorry Girls, George Takei Is Off The Market

by Stuart Heritage

Ladies, we know that when someone’s making love to you, you’re really fantasising about George Takei – but it’s too late.

That’s because, ladies, we’re sorry to admit that George Takei has got married. Your dreams of Mr Sulu appearing at your doorstep on a white steed to whisk you away to a life on unparalleled luxury are worthless now, because this weekend George Takei got married to a very lucky lady by the name of Brad Altman.

Huh, Brad Altman. That’s a funny and oddly-masculine name for a lady to have. In fact, looking at George Takei’s wedding pictures, his new wife bears an uncanny resemblance to a balding grey-haired man in his mid-fifties. Poor woman. Still, she must be great in the sack to snag a pussy-magnet like George Takei, so who are we to judge.

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Lindsay Lohan This Close To Marrying Samantha Ronson, Maybe

by Stuart Heritage

There used to be a time when Lindsay Lohan only loved booze, drugs, sex, partial nudity and films about winking Volkswagens, but not any more.

Now it seems like Lindsay Lohan has found the love of her life – a boy-haired DJ called Samantha Ronson. For the past however many months, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have been completely inseparable, going to events together, falling out of clubs together, slagging off Lindsay Lohan’s dad together – and now it looks like they want to make their union official.

That’s right, according to reports Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson could be getting married in the next few months. Let’s just pray that they don’t accidentally release a Pammy & Tommy-style honeymoon sex video. Not because lesbian sex repulses us, you understand, but because we’ve seen Lindsay Lohan naked so many times in the last few years that one more glimpse of her ginger knockers will probably send us into a deep narcoleptic coma that we’ll never recover from.

There used to be a time when Lindsay Lohan only loved booze, drugs, sex, partial nudity and films about winking Volkswagens, but not any more. Now it seems like Lindsay Lohan has found the love of her life - a boy-haired DJ called Samantha Ronson. For the past however many months, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have been completely inseparable, going to events together, falling out of clubs together, slagging off Lindsay Lohan's dad together - and now it looks like they want to make their union official. That's right, according to reports Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson could be getting married in the next few months. Let's just pray that they don't accidentally release a Pammy & Tommy-style honeymoon sex video. Not because lesbian sex repulses us, you understand, but because we've seen Lindsay Lohan naked so many times in the last few years that one more glimpse of her ginger knockers will probably send us into a deep narcoleptic coma that we'll never recover from.
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James Gandolfini Marries Some Woman Someplace Nice

by Stuart Heritage

Although it’s Labor Day and most of the media is preoccupied with hurricanes and politics, we’ve still got all the big celebrity news for you.

And when we say big, we mean big. Like, for instance, James Gandolfini got married on Saturday. That’s right – a man from a TV show that ended over a year ago just got married to a woman we’ve never even heard of. In Hawaii. And, um, that’s about it.

Just kidding – loads happened. For instance, James Gandolfini’s eight-year-old son was the best man. And also, James Gandolfini’s wife walked down the aisle to some harp music. Why, James Gandolfini’s wedding has got to be the happiest, harpiest, Hawaiiest, eight-year-old boyiest wedding to happen to anyone who played the lead in The Sopranos ever!

Warning: the following story may contain padding.

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Lindsay Lohan’s Dad Won’t Take Her up the Aisle

by Ian Dransfield

She may have officially become one of the world’s dullest people, not bothering to get into even the most minor of mishaps, but we’re still sticking with the girl. Because we like Lindsay Lohan – how could we not? She’s given us so much entertainment, so many words to write and so much vitriolic rage [...]

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Lindsay Lohan Kills Off Any Chance of Her Being Interesting Again With Gay Wedding

by Ian Dransfield

Well she’s finally gone and done it – at one time she was one of hecklerspray’s mainstays, attracting thousands through our doors with the mere mention of her name. Now she never does anything exciting – never gets her bits out after a night on the lash (or even intentionally), never gets into public spats [...]

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Pete Wentz Used To Have A Gay Old Time

by Matthew Laidlow

If you’ve ever been to a wedding, or seen one on the TV, or in a film, or read about them, or just, well, know anything about them at all, you’ll know that before the happy couple can be officially married the priest will say: “If anyone knows reasons why these two can’t be wed, [...]

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Timbaland Marries Same Woman Twice In One Month – Second Time With Different Drumbeats

by Shawn Lindseth

When hecklerspray met the love of its life, it gently released her from the giant steel bear trap that had snapped her ankle in two. Then we looked her right in the eyes, tucked her sweat-covered hair behind an ear and said: "We knew we’d find you. That’s why we’ve been baiting this trap once [...]

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Charlie Sheen Marries Another Bitter Divorcee-In-Waiting

by Stuart Heritage

If we were to make a list of women we’d want to attack in an angry display of jealousy, then Charlie Sheen’s new wife Brooke Mueller would be top of the list.

Why? Because she’s married to Charlie Sheen, that’s why! We’ve had our eye on him for ages and, by getting married to him on Friday, Brooke Mueller has swiped him right out from under our noses. We’ll never get to star in a bitter reality TV show about why we hate our ex-husband Charlie Sheen now! Never!

Brooke Mueller, you heed our words – next time you spy Charlie Sheen looking at internet porn sites featuring very young girls or get caught on the wrong end of a foul-mouthed Charlie Sheen tirade about why it’s funny that your mother’s got cancer, remember that the crushing, life-sapping sense of anguish you feel was meant for us. Us!

If we were to make a list of women we'd want to attack in an angry display of jealousy, then Charlie Sheen's new wife Brooke Mueller would be top of the list. Why? Because she's married to Charlie Sheen, that's why! We've had our eye on him for ages and, by getting married to him on Friday, Brooke Mueller has swiped him right out from under our noses. We'll never get to star in a bitter reality TV show about why we hate our ex-husband Charlie Sheen now! Never! Brooke Mueller, you heed our words - next time you spy Charlie Sheen looking at internet porn sites featuring very young girls or get caught on the wrong end of a foul-mouthed Charlie Sheen tirade about why it's funny that your mother's got cancer, remember that the crushing, life-sapping sense of anguish you feel was meant for us. Us!
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Relax Everyone, Pete Wentz & Ashlee Simpson Signed A Pre-Nup

by Stuart Heritage

Admit it; when Pete Wentz got married, you thought it was a ploy so Ashlee Simpson could get her claws on the Fall Out Boy millions.

But it wasn’t. The only thing that brought Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson together was love, along with a deep-seated suspicion that at least one of them was pregnant. And to prove it, Pete Wentz has graciously gone public and started spouting off about the sweet pre-nup he got before his wedding.

Phew, at least this means that when Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson invariably get divorced at some point in the next 18 months, the only assets they’ll have to divide will be their earnings from whatever godawful reality TV show they’re bound to want to make soon.

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