But now she’s also Mrs Duhamel. On Saturday Fergie married dangerously minor actor Josh Duhamel during a beautiful ceremony in Malibu. So, you know, if you thought you’d heard the story about how Fergie took crystal meth as a kid too often, have a little sympathy for Josh Duhamel – he’ll have to hear it every day until he dies.

Best of all though, every single D-lister who’s ever walked the earth saw Fergie and Duhamel get married. Oh Sarin, you’re never there when you’re needed.

So far, 2009 hasn’t been a happy one for celebrity romances. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are on the rocks. Jennifer Love-Hewitt has split up with her fiancee and so has Katy Perry. Lily Allen split up with that very old man she kept snogging on the beach. Sarah Jessica Parker’s about to split up with Matthew Broderick, Jennifer Lopez is about to split up with Marc Anthony and Patricia Arquette and her husband have split up. And we’re only 12 days into 2009, for crying out loud.

What we need is a burst of positivity – an affirmation of the power of love by a superstar. And did that happen at the weekend? Well, no. OK, an affirmation of the power of love by a regular star? No, that didn’t happen either? OK, well did the screeching labia-obsessed woman from Black Eyed Peas get married to an actor who’s inexplicably even less famous than her? Yes, apparently that last one did happen. So let’s go with that.

On Saturday Fergie – the one from Black Eyed Peas who wets herself and used to take crystal meth you know – got married to Josh Duhamel, who’ll you know as the one from Transformers who wasn’t Jon Voight, Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox or one of the giant borderline-offensive Ebonics-speaking robots. People reports on the ceremony:

The Black Eyed Peas singer, 33, wearing a Dolce & Gabbana gown, and the actor, 36, tied the knot at the Church Estates Vineyards in Malibu. Fergie carried a bouquet of white flowers studded with crystals as the couple exchanged H. Stern rings engraved with personal messages. Ten bridesmaids were dressed in contrasting black. The ceremony was followed by a reception in a tent decorated as a forest of trees.

White flowers studded with crystals? Nice. It just goes to show that while you can’t buy class, you can buy, um, some white flowers studded with crystals. We think that was our original point there.

Anyway, more impressive than the flower/crystal mash-up was the wedding’s guestlist. All the other members of Black Eyed Peas saw Fergie marry Josh Duhamel, as did AC Slater from Saved By The Bell, the bloke from Kangaroo Jack, Kid Rock, the one from Bride Wars who isn’t Anne Hathaway, a female wrestler and – oddly – Slash. We don’t know what Slash was doing there. Maybe he mistook it for a version of the November Rain video and was waiting for someone to ask him to play a nine-hour directionless solo on the edge of a cliff or something.

Anyway, congratulations to both Fergie and Josh Duhamel. Now don’t get pregnant for a while, will you, because we’ve used up the three facts we know about either of you here and we can’t be bothered to do any more research. Deal?

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Guess what – it wasn’t! According to all sorts of horribly depressing reports, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t going to legally formalise their Mexican wedding! It was all a great big waste of everyone’s time!

But, really, Heidi and Spencer should know that fake weddings are so passe – next time they want headlines they should try something more original, like getting caught in a bear trap or developing asbestos poisoning or playing frisbee with some landmines or something.

Of all the things that happened in 2008 – like the US presidential election, the credit crunch, the Virginia Tech shooting, the death of Heath Ledger – nothing was bigger than the marriage between The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. We’re being serious.

Heidi and Spencer’s marriage had everything – two utterly repulsive braying bellends adrift on an ocean of their own epic self-absorption who have never spent more than five seconds in the company of anyone else without becoming the subjects of a violently imagined stab-fantasy, and… um, no, actually in retrospect that’s all it had.

But never mind. It was sort of entertaining – thanks to everyone’s initial repulsion, the backdraft of even smaller celebrities trying to make their name by commenting on it and the world’s bitterest mother-in-law, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s wedding wasn’t a complete waste of time.

True, the marriage wasn’t valid because it was conducted in Mexico with an hour’s notice and everything,, but that didn’t matter – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were going to formalise their wedding on return to America, thereby reducing the world’s total of single cockstumps by a grand total of two. And once they were married, maybe Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt could create a baby so awful that it would absorb all of the world’s evil and then destroy itself, ushering in the Age of Aquarius for all mankind.

Except, no. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t properly married and, what do you know, in the final episode of The Hills it turned out that they’re probably never going to be either. But, hey, at least they didn’t wait until the last possible second to decide, like in the middle of swapping their vows during the ceremony, did they? Oh, who are we kidding. People reports:

When it was Spencer’s turn to promise til death, he hesitated and said, “I want to marry you right now. If you in your heart are horrified that we’re in a courthouse and your mom is crying and not talking to you, we don’t have to do this.” Heidi started crying. Spencer relented “We can’t do this. I’ll give you the wedding of your dreams and I will deal with it. I’m sorry. We’ll do it the way you want.” They exited the courtroom.

Ugh. You know what this means? It means that, by the next season of The Hills we’ll have to put up with even more endless wedding preparation followed by a big fairytale ceremony that, we’re guessing, will also be cancelled at the last minute when Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt look into each others’ eyes and realise there’s nothing but a throbbing empty vortex there. And that’ll be followed by another cancelled wedding. And another one. And another one. Until everyone dies of boredom.

But, look, it’s Christmas – let’s look on the bright side. By not getting married to Heidi Montag, this means that Spencer Pratt is technically still single. Form a queue, ladies! Ladies? Where has everyone gone?

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But don’t invite your mother to your wedding just because the eternal bond of love you share makes you want her to share the happiest day of your life. Do it because if you don’t she’ll publicly will your marriage to fail and suggest that you only got married in the first place because your husband drugged you.

Because that’s what Heidi Montag’s mother did after Heidi married Spencer Pratt. Lady, there’s a seat warm at hecklerspray whenever you want it.

We have a small apology to make. In the past, we may have insinuated that nobody cared that The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt got married. We didn’t care about it, you didn’t care about it, none of the microcelebrities who commented on it cared about it and – now that we know the marriage wasn’t valid anyway – there’s a strong chance that not even Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt really cared about it either.

Or at least that was our assumption. In reality, though, there is one person who cares about the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding, and that’s Heidi Montag’s mother Darlene Egelhoff. Darlene cares about the wedding a lot, just not in the traditional sense that people tend to care about weddings.

You may remember that Heidi Montag didn’t invite her mother to her wedding last month. This was apparently because Heidi was shitfaced on cocktails and in Mexico and there was only an hour between her deciding to get married and the actual wedding itself. But Heidi didn’t even tell Darlene about the wedding until it was over and, for that, Darlene has decided to speak out.

Wait, ’speak out’ is an acceptable definition for when you claim that the man your daughter married is an evil mind-controller who possibly drugs people into agreeing to embark on inevitably doomed marriages and who might literally be the devil, right? Usmagazine reports:

“He’s manipulative and seems to have power over Heidi. I would like to see a blood test from Mexico. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had her drugged… I’ve been honest with Heidi, and it’s caused our relationship to decline. I’m more devastated about that than the marriage, because I’m confident the marriage won’t work out. I think Spencer wants to possess Heidi more than marry her.”

You know what? We never thought we’d say this, but Darlene Egelhoff’s berserk rant has actually made us feel a little bit sorry for Spencer Pratt. All he wanted to do was marry the woman he loved, and it’s opened a vicious schism in her family. Nobody wants to be disliked, especially by someone they’re technically related to, and Spencer Pratt certainly didn’t deserve to be on the end of an attack like that. Let’s see how the poor lug has reacted to it:

“I think her mom needs to take a real fat chill pill.”

OK, we take it all back. That man is such a turd.

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But we were wrong. It turns out that Heidi Montag didn’t tell her family about her marriage to Spencer Pratt because they didn’t actually get married. Apparently Heidi and Spencer did had a wedding ceremony in Mexico, but it doesn’t count because it was only a symbolic wedding and no official permits were filled in.

So Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were just attention seeking by getting married; something completely out of character for both of them. It’s hard to know how to react to this news, other than fighting the urge to hit both Spencer and Heidi in the nose with a symbolic cricket bat, then push them down a symbolic flight of stairs and then set some symbolic dogs on them. Remember, it doesn’t count if it’s symbolic.

We’ll admit to feeling a frisson of excitement when we heard Monday’s news that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills had got married to each other in Mexico. It was like watching them admit defeat, an acknowledgment that nobody on the planet could ever put up with their constant overprivileged braying and galactic self-regard so they may as well just swallow their pride and stick with each other.

And it gave us hope for the future, too – not just for the clotheared punditry industry, but also because we knew that if Heidi Montag’s shrill, off-kilter sense of entitlement ever genetically mixed with Spencer Pratt’s sneering wankery and guff-coloured beard to form a baby, then at least it’d make everyone else’s kids seem less awful in comparison.

But guess what? It turns out that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt didn’t get married after all. You see, the rumour goes that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were drinking cocktails on the beach when all of a sudden they decided to get married. Within the hour rings were bought, vows were written and a team of reporters from US Weekly were in place to record the entire ceremony in extensive detail.

But the problem with that is that Americans getting married in Mexico have to go through a five-day process involving health and birth certificates being translated into Spanish and blood tests, and even then the state of California wouldn’t legally recognise it. So, long story short, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t even nearly married. AP reports:

The couple acknowledged Wednesday that their wedding ceremony  was symbolic, and not legally binding. “We had a beautiful ceremony here … officiated by a minister and photographed by the hotel photographer. We’ve never been happier,” said the couple in a statement provided by Us Weekly. “And, like other elopements that happen outside the country, we’ll take care of the legal details when we get home.”

A symbolic wedding. We don’t know about you, but that sounds like either compulsive attention-seeking of the very wost kind or a needlessly complicated way to get free cake.

But so what if this was all just a cynical attempt at keeping Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in the headlines and that the last person to pull a ruse like this was Anna Nicole Smith and look what happened to her. The important thing here is to stay positive.

For instance, if the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding isn’t legal, then they’ll want to have another marriage ceremony to make it legal in the near future, and that gives us plenty of time to buy lots of confetti to throw at them. Well, OK, not confetti. Gravel. Razor sharp gravel. And clumps of salmonella. We want to throw gravel and salmonella at Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

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Yeah, go ahead and check that one off. It’s happened – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills have run away to Cabo and got married, on the day that future historians will look back on and pinpoint as the greatest crash of humanity’s genetic stock market since scientists worked out that incest wasn’t very healthy.

But that shouldn’t detract from the happiness that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt feel in the wake of their marriage. Heidi and Spencer do suit each other remarkably well, after all, and we’re sure it won’t be long before we start hearing the pattering of tiny, um… what is it that cockroaches have instead of feet? Hooves? The sound of pattering cockroach hooves? No, that doesn’t sound right.

He might be one of the most unquestionably awful people on television – and one of the most universally disliked – but Spencer Pratt is, at heart a decent man. Yes, he might be a braying overprivileged clot who uses what little fame he has to sneer about his peers in public like some sort dreadful oafish twat, but occasionally he’ll do something so disarmingly sweet that it’ll cause everyone to rethink their opinion of him.

Like recently, for example, when Spencer Pratt decided that he’d do the decent thing for the sake of mankind and marry his equally awful girlfriend from The Hills, Heidi Montag, simply because it’d reduce the chances of other men getting drunk, sleeping with her, waking up the next morning and tearing all the skin off their faces with their fingernails while screaming “Oh God, what have I DONE?” in a bitter attack of regret and self-loathing.

So, yes, Spencer Pratt has married Heidi Montag in a Cabo ceremony so secret that not even Heidi’s parents were told about it, presumably because they had the means to launch a full-scale military intervention to stop the whole sorry thing from happening if they ever caught wind of it.

Judging by the wedding photos, both bride and groom managed to make an effort to look as beautiful as possible during the wedding. Heidi Montag looked angelic in a flowing white dress, and Spencer Pratt grew a beard that made him look like a bit like the Bigfoot from Harry And The Hendersons. USmagazine reports:

At the altar, Pratt told his bride: “Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.”

We give it six months.

Oh, we’re kidding. A year, tops. Anyway, even for cold-hearted bastards like us it’s hard not to mist up reading Spencer Pratt’s wedding vows back – from the distracting repetition of the word ‘life’ at the beginning to the weird sun/earth analogy that seems to suggest that one day Heidi Montag is going to get massive, literally swallow Spencer Pratt whole and then die, it’s non-stop romance all the way.

But enough about Spencer Pratt. Heidi Montag, you were involved in all of this too – quickly, say something that when taken out of context will make it seem like you only realised what a monstrous turd Spencer Pratt is when it was too late to go back:

“The minute we said our vows, I couldn’t stop crying.”

That’s right, Heidi, good girl.

Seriously, six months.

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Or at least that’s what we thought. Now, as part of her confusing ‘go against everything she’s ever said, done or thought’ promotion for The Changeling, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she will inevitably get married to Brad Pitt, but only to stop her children from pestering them for a wedding.

It just goes to show how persuasive a small army of multinational children can be. If they can make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married, just think what else the Jolie-Pitt kids could achieve if they harnessed their pester power properly. They could even aim for the impossible. You know what we mean – if they all work in unison, they could convince Angelina Jolie to make a film that doesn’t stink like a corpseful of turds for once.

Is it just us, or has Angelina Jolie been promoting The Changeling for longer than time itself? It certainly seems like it. All we can conclude is that Angelina must really want that Oscar, because the tricks she’s pulling on the promotional circuit are getting more and more desperate.

To begin with, things started normally enough. We thought that, for such a highbrow film, the only publicity that Angelina Jolie would need to do was return to the USA from Europe. But we underestimated wildly there – we didn’t know about Angelina Jolie’s tattoos. Or the way that she’d be photographed with a baby chowing down on her nipple. Or the way she bought her infant son a deadly weapon.

Most recently, like a boxer in the 35th round, Angelina Jolie has become so exhausted by all this promotion that she’s just throwing tired, opportunistic punches at whatever’s easiest. Not so long ago, Angelina Jolie admitted that she and Brad Pitt fell in love on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith when Brad was still married to Jennifer Aniston, despite making endless claims to the contrary for the last three years.

And now Angelina Jolie has reached down deep for one last push, just to make you go and see that bloody film of hers – she’s declared that she’s going to get married to Brad Pitt.

That’s a surprise, since Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt both declared that they’d never get married until gay marriage was legalised across America. But that was before they had kids. And, cuh, you know what they can be like right? Right? The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

[Angelina] says, “Usually people fall in love and everything revolves around the ritual of marriage, children are an afterthought. We did everything backwards. But sooner or later it will be the kids who ask us (to get married). You know, they see films and start asking questions. Such as, ‘Why are Shrek and Fiona married and you’re not?’”

It’s a good point, and when that day comes it’ll probably be best if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie respond using a similarly fairy tale-themed metaphor, about evil old ugly Queen Aniston who used to keep Prince Daddy locked in a cage and will probably throw herself off a building if they ever get married.

Or, you know, they could tell the truth and say that they’ll probably split up withing the next five years and not getting married will save the cost and mess of divorce proceedings. Either one’s fine, really.

But this is all hypothetical. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie won’t get married for a long time yet, because the kids haven’t asked yet. That’ll be years away – half of them are too young to communicate effectively now, and the other half still have to learn English.

But despite their 40-year professional obligations to each other, George Takei and William Shatner are still happy to take chunks out of each other in public. Like yesterday, for instance, when William Shatner went on the internet to endlessly bitch about how psychotic George Takei was for not inviting him to his wedding.

At the time, George Takei told everyone that actually he had invited William Shatner to his wedding but, just in case anyone missed it, he’s decided to reassert his claim – while throwing in some new jabs about Shatner’s stability for good measure. On television. Honestly, this is just like that movie Grumpy Old Men, only worse because neither of them are dead yet.

Just a quick heads up, everyone – it looks like we might be heading into a new Phase Of Shatner. The old phases of Shatner were pretty good – like the one where William Shatner’s ego heavily outweighed his hammy talents, and the one where he countered all the ridicule he gained from the first phase by pretending to be in on the joke – but this one looks like it might be a doozy.

That’s because in the Third Phase Of Shatner, William Shatner has let the ego back in and he’s old enough not to care. We first saw flashes of this when William Shatner didn’t get a role in the new Star Trek movie and went slightly berserk about it, but this stuff about George Takei’s wedding invite seems to have pushed Shatner over the edge.

For the uninitiated, George Takei gay-married his partner last month, and William Shatner didn’t turn up. And in a completely confusing internet video this week, William Shatner claimed that he wasn’t invited to the wedding because George Takei suffered from ‘psychosis’.

In the wake of this, George Takei had already issued a counter-statement claiming that he did invite William Shatner to the wedding, but that didn’t really hit the mark, so instead he went on TV and repeated it. The LA Times quotes:

“It is absolutely baffling to us because, in fact, we did invite Bill and we didn’t hear from him… I think his stability is quite questionable. … Bill likes to be the star of the show. He likes the attention that is focused on him. It’s a big, shiny, demanding ego. … It’s all typical of Bill. … [His] ranting and raving is just silliness.”

What happens now is anyone’s guess. Technically it should be William Shatner’s turn to lay into George Takei again, but we get the feeling that if he got angrier about it all he’d end up squirting jets of burning blood out of his bumhole, so maybe that option is out.

In a way it’s upsetting that two old men like William Shatner and George Takei have resorted to slagging each other off in such a humiliatingly public way. But really we’re just upset that this fall-out didn’t happen back in the mid-1980s – because then we’re pretty sure that the bloody awful Star Trek film about those poxy whales wouldn’t have ever been sodding made.

The first outcome involves him trying to convince the big, white cake he really is a lawyer – and that he absolutely understands all the legal jargon and everything – for the complete duration of your first dance. The second possible outcome involves him crashing a life-size mock-up of the Starship Enterprise through the beautiful gazebo your grandfather lovingly finished building for you the day before his last heart attack.

We heard that last one he actually did to Leonard Nemoy. Seriously – there were tractor beam parts all over the roof, gutters, guest cars and lawn. This is why, we assume, Bill Shatner was not invited to Helmsman Sulu’s big gay history-book wedding. Shatner doesn’t understand this though, and he seems kinda pissed about his lack of an invite.

Off the top of our heads we can think of three things Ringo Starr and William Shatner have in common. The first two have to do mostly with penile stripes and a shared love for cookies. The third one though, well the third one is the only one you really need to know about – they both seem to dislike people in whatever forms they may be encountered in.

Ringo, for instance, has the grump with his fans. He maybe even wishes they’d all throw themselves over the trembling ledge of a train station, if you catch our meaning. Shatner likes his fans enough, apparently, but only if he’s never worked with any of them ever in his whole life. This includes the shop keep who hired a young Billy Shatner to restock his scarce food shelves during the height of the great depression.

Imagine the darkness of heart that could dislike someone who helped feed your family during such a tumultuous time. Unthinkable!

Untrue too!

Shatner does think his old coworker George Takei has a beef with him though. According to Bill, Takei refused to allow Shatner within 100 yards of anyplace he ever planned to marry, and even tried to get him deported for the entire duration of the honeymoon. That or the captain was just pissed for not getting an invite. Whatever. Here’s a Kirk-quote:

“The whole thing makes me feel badly. Poor man. There is such a sickness there. It’s so patently obvious that there is a psychosis there. I don’t know what his original thing about me was. I have no idea.”

We peeled that quote out of a video Shatner posted on his own website. The whole thing doesn’t end with Shatner’s hurt feelings though – Takei has a retort:

“It is unfortunate that Bill was unable to join us for our wedding as he indeed was invited to attend. It is our hope that at this point he joins us in voting no on Proposition 8, which seeks to [absorb all of Texas into California, and then turn the whole thing into a giant movie studio with tremendous tax breaks.]“

We lost the last part of the quote there, but we know Hollywood types, and feel pretty secure in our assumption of how that stupid speech probably ended. We also feel secure in our knowledge of geography.

Now get down there and watch Shatner’s weird rant:

But if there’s another thing that Jennifer Lopez loves, it’s getting married. Jennifer Lopez loves getting married so much that she’ll quite off marry someone completely unsuitable just so she can divorce him and get married to someone else a few months later.

However, Jennifer Lopez made quite the schoolboy error when she married Marc Anthony – a man she actually seems to quite like. Because now it looks like they’ll never get divorced and Jennifer Lopez won’t be able to feed her compulsive marriage addiction. Unless, of course, Jennifer Lopez opted for the methadone of the wedding world instead, and just pointlessly renewed her vows to Marc Anthony instead. So she’s done that.

Jennifer Lopez, as we think we probably just stated, loves weddings. She loves weddings so much that not only does she have it written into her contracts that all her movies have to end with a wedding regardless of whether they’re romantic comedies, revenge dramas about domestic abuse or weird bits of nonsense about her flying around inside a serial killer’s comatose brain.

Jennifer Lopez loves wedding so much that she’ll marry anyone. Literally anyone. People who’ll write books about her after they divorce, no-mark backup dancers. Anyone. Literally anyone. Well, not Ben Affleck, obviously. She’s not mental or anything.

Despite this, though, Jennifer Lopez seems to have found her soulmate in Marc Anthony. They do everything together – go on tour together, procreate together, make bad films together. Raise dogs to allegedly attack air stewardesses together. It’s sweet. But it means that Jennifer Lopez is less likely to divorce Marc Anthony and marry someone else who looks even more like Gollum.

It’s a predicament and no mistake – on one hand there’s eternal happiness with a man she loves and on the other hand is a new box of wedding gift napkin rings. How’s a girl supposed to decide between those two?

So Jennifer Lopez has opted for a happy compromise – this weekend, she renewed her marriage vows with Marc Anthony in a weird double ceremony with New York Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran in Las Vegas. People reports:

Wearing a black dress, Lopez looked “beautiful” as 12 people witnessed the ceremony, the source said. “Her parents didn’t even see it because they were with the babies.” Following the nuptials, a butler opened a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne for the newly re-married couples.

If that’s not the definition of romance, we don’t know what is. Dumping your kids on your parents so you can publicly treat your marriage like an expired insurance policy even though you only got married about five minutes ago anyway? Nice.

Oh, we’re just jealous. Really, we’re thrilled for Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. In fact, we think that they should go away somewhere exotic to renew their marriage vows every single week. Because that’d probably stop Jennifer Lopez from making any more bad films or songs, and that way we sort of all get something out of it.

But who has Scarlett Johansson got married to? A king? James Bond? A philanthropic playboy billionaire? Pre-goose Fabio? No. Scarlett Johansson has got married to Ryan Reynolds – the man who you’ll probably recognise as the bloke you wanted to punch square in the face for the entire duration of that Definitely, Maybe film your girlfriend made you go and see.

Apparently Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynold’s wedding was a small, quiet affair attended by only a handful of people. That’s not to say that more people weren’t invited – they just never got round to replying because they’ve all been scratching their heads and going “Ryan Reynolds? Why?” ever since the invitations arrived.

When most people watched Van Wilder, their main thoughts were probably either “If this film doesn’t finish instantly I’m going to thumb my bloody eyes out,” or “Why am I watching a film that revolves around someone eating a doughnut filled with dog semen?” But not Scarlett Johansson.

When Scarlett Johansson saw Ryan Reynolds in Van Wilder, she thought “Who is this sexy hunk of sex photographing a bulldog getting wanked off into some cakes? I don’t care if his face is obviously too small for his head – he must be mine!”

And now he is. By some absurd quirk that we’re going to put down to either brain damage or long-term hypnosis, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds got married this weekend. People reports:

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds made it official with a wedding this weekend, Reynolds’s rep, Meredith O’Sullivan, confirmed to PEOPLE. Attended by only a handful of close friends and family, the ceremony was held at a remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver, B.C.

A remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver? Wait, that’s… isn’t that… all of Canada?

Anyway, this news isn’t a huge surprise, because Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds got engaged back in April. Back then, however, they both made out that it was going to be a long, relaxed engagement that wouldn’t result in anything for ages – not that they were going to wait five months, then run off to get married down the woods.

But still, as inexplicable as this wedding is, at least both Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds can look each other in the eye and know that they’re both a step up from their last partners. That’s because one of the last women Ryan Reynolds was with was Alanis Morissette, and after he dumped her she wrote an album all about what a twat he was. And one of the last people Scarlett Johansson was linked to was Justin Timberla…

OK, no, we take that back. Scarlett Johansson hasn’t done very well out of this marriage at all, has she?

That’s because, ladies, we’re sorry to admit that George Takei has got married. Your dreams of Mr Sulu appearing at your doorstep on a white steed to whisk you away to a life on unparalleled luxury are worthless now, because this weekend George Takei got married to a very lucky lady by the name of Brad Altman.

Huh, Brad Altman. That’s a funny and oddly-masculine name for a lady to have. In fact, looking at George Takei’s wedding pictures, his new wife bears an uncanny resemblance to a balding grey-haired man in his mid-fifties. Poor woman. Still, she must be great in the sack to snag a pussy-magnet like George Takei, so who are we to judge.

Oh, alright. Look, we know George Takei is gay. How could he not be? His most famous, career-defining role was as an overdramatic spacemen who wore campy, brightly-coloured unitards – and we all know that everyone who does that is clearly as gay as can be. Everyone. Everyone.

But before he announced his homosexuality to the world a couple of years ago, George Takei had managed to do a pretty incredible job of fooling the world, by living in perfect happiness with his boyfriend for over 20 years. Fiendish, fiendish man Takei.

However, you can’t say that of George Takei any more, because he no longer lives with his boyfriend. No, now George Takei lives with his husband, because he and Brad Altman got married last night in a Buddhist ceremony in Los Angeles so perfect that not even an unexpected slick of Lieutenant Uhuru’s disgusting conjunctivitis gunge could derail it. People reports:

“All I can remember is what the priest said,” Takei told PEOPLE after the ceremony. “That this moment will never happen again. It’s something to savor.” “I was fighting back the tears,” said Nichols, who played Uhura on the Star Trek series. “But they came oozing out anyway. I’m so happy that they’re both able to legally proclaim their commitment to one another after spending the past 21 years together.”

We’re sure that George Takei and Brad Altman will love married life because, as demonstrated when they announced their engagement, the two of them are in love. Completely in love. The kind of love that makes everyone who’s not them secretly wish they one of them would fall down a hill and shatter their pelvis, just because it’d make them shut up about how much they love each other, if only for a second. It’s sweet, really.

But anyway, as well as being a lovely ceremony between a loving couple, George Takei’s marriage to Brad Altman also had a deeper meaning. No, not that civil partnerships between loving homosexual couples can no longer be denied, but that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson can kiss it if they think they can beat George Takei to all the exclusive magazine gay marriage photoshoot cash. Ah, romance.

Now it seems like Lindsay Lohan has found the love of her life – a boy-haired DJ called Samantha Ronson. For the past however many months, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have been completely inseparable, going to events together, falling out of clubs together, slagging off Lindsay Lohan’s dad together – and now it looks like they want to make their union official.

That’s right, according to reports Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson could be getting married in the next few months. Let’s just pray that they don’t accidentally release a Pammy & Tommy-style honeymoon sex video. Not because lesbian sex repulses us, you understand, but because we’ve seen Lindsay Lohan naked so many times in the last few years that one more glimpse of her ginger knockers will probably send us into a deep narcoleptic coma that we’ll never recover from.

We don’t know about you, but this whole gay marriage thing has been a bit of a letdown, hasn’t it? All that fuss and what have we got to show for it? Weddings by Ellen DeGeneres and Mr Sulu and nobody else, that’s what. It’s a bloody disgrace – doesn’t anyone realise that California only overturned its ban on gay marriage to lure secretly gay celebrities out of the closet? Honestly, famous secret gays, we don’t pay your wages for sloppy behaviour like this.

Luckily that might all be about to change, and it’s all down to Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay understands the value of spectacle better than anyone, whether she’s having it off with men or getting arrested for chasing a car drunk with cocaine in her pockets. And that’s why Lindsay Lohan’s upcoming gay marriage will be the bash to end all bashes.

Oh, didn’t we mention? Lindsay Lohan is definitely going to have a gay wedding soon, to her inescapable female chum Samantha Ronson. And the wedding is definitely going to happen by the end of the year. Definitely. Newsday reports:

This week, Ronson told clubgoers at Los Angeles hot spot Chateau Marmont that the two plan to tie the knot within the next few months, Britain’s Sun newspaper reports. “By the end of the year, my love will be Mrs. Ronson,” she said, according to the Sun. Responding to the article, Lohan’s rep told us, “Please don’t believe the British press.”

See? What does “Please don’t believe the British press” mean if not “Lindsay Lohan is definitely getting married to Samantha Ronson, and soon, and it’s going to be awesome.”

We’ve been here before, of course, when Lindsay Lohan had supposedly got engaged to Samantha Ronson but actually didn’t and then last month when another report of their impending gay marriage was shot down. But this time is different because, um… OK, it’s actually not that different at all. But shut up. If Lindsay Lohan gets married to a girl we won’t be forced to look at any more gruesome photos of her allegedly sucking off blokes. That’s what’s most important here. Don’t burst our bubble, OK?

Also, if this story is true, would we be able to push for Samantha Ronson to be the groom and Lindsay Lohan the bride, please? Because that way Michael Lohan would get to make a speech and, well, what’s a wedding without a fist-fight between a middle-aged Christian and a lesbian, huh?

And when we say big, we mean big. Like, for instance, James Gandolfini got married on Saturday. That’s right – a man from a TV show that ended over a year ago just got married to a woman we’ve never even heard of. In Hawaii. And, um, that’s about it.

Just kidding – loads happened. For instance, James Gandolfini’s eight-year-old son was the best man. And also, James Gandolfini’s wife walked down the aisle to some harp music. Why, James Gandolfini’s wedding has got to be the happiest, harpiest, Hawaiiest, eight-year-old boyiest wedding to happen to anyone who played the lead in The Sopranos ever!

Warning: the following story may contain padding.

Poor old James Gandolfini. For close to a decade he’s defined himself by playing Tony Soprano, but now that The Sopranos has finished he has to find new ways to occupy his time.

Sure, there’s always more acting, but one look at his IMDb page – and the revelation that his upcoming slate contains both a film about shoes and a John Travolta vehicle – won’t exactly thrill anyone to death. And perhaps that’s why James Gandolfini has decided to concentrate on his family life, by getting married to Deborah Lin in Hawaii on Saturday.

Who’s Deborah Lin? She’s James Gandolfini’s wife. That is literally her only defining characteristic. Oh, and she used to be a model. But, hey, who didn’t?

Do you want the details of James Gandolfini’s wedding? What? You actually do? Even though we’ve already told you about Hawaii and the harp and the weirdly young best man? Seriously, we don’t know what’s wrong with you people. Fine. Here’s how E! Online described it:

The intimate 20-minute ceremony was held at the island’s Central Union Church. A harpist played the “Hawaiian Wedding Song” as the bride walked down the aisle in a white, Italian lace gown. Gandofini’s best man was his 8-year-old son, Michael.

Are you happy now? Are you happy that you got to hear about the Italian lace? Are you? You’d better be happy. Italian lace indeed. Cuh.

So that’s it. That’s the biggest news of the day. James Gandolfini got married to a woman who was wearing Italian lace and likes harps and there was an eight-year-old best man.

Still, we wish we’d been there for the best man’s speech. There’s nothing like watching an eight-year-old boy nervously allude to his own father’s sexual promiscuity in a humorous way, is there?

Because we like Lindsay Lohan – how could we not? She’s given us so much entertainment, so many words to write and so much vitriolic rage to spew. It’s hard to be really very mad at an old friend.

But it wouldn’t seem that hard for Lindsay’s ‘born-again Christian ex-convict of an absentee father’ (copyright Stuart Heritage 2008), Michael Lohan, to give up on his own flesh and blood for mere ‘religious’ reasons. Big Mike has decided he can’t walk his daughter down the aisle should her rumoured gay wedding come to fruition, as it would go against his born-again Christianity belief system.

You’ve got to love religion. Especially when it’s one that you’ve been turned on to about four minutes ago. Whereas your daughter has been around for most of her life. Can’t argue with the man’s priorities, we suppose.

Michael Lohan has said from the very beginning that he would be fine if young Lindsay were to come out publicly as a lesbian, though that is pretty much a given. When you have a daughter that whores herself off to every man in the world (give or take a few billion), gets boozed up on booze every two minutes and possibly has a sex tape where she’s all naked and stuff, well – there’s a lot he’s had to put up with through the years.

Plus we hear Christians are good at that forgiveness lark, so she’s onto a winner there.

But no, it would seem simply walking his daughter a few steps towards her wedding ceremony would prove too much for daddio. Talking to The Scoop, who happened to be listening for some reason, Michael said this collection of words:

“I haven’t heard anything [about an upcoming wedding] from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my Christian faith … she just wouldn’t ask.”

But it’s not all doom and gloom from the big Negative Nancy, who still supports his daughter’s choices in life. Even if he acts like he doesn’t, then tries to put any family members or possible family members through the wringer for his own nefarious ways. Michael Lohan went on to say, most likely continuing by using his mouth:

“I want her to be happy and healthy and stay on the right path. If I discuss her relationship, I say that I want her to be happy.”

It would appear to be pretty clean cut and straightforward for once in the world of the Lohans – she is apparently having a gay wedding, he sees this as being against his beliefs so does not wish to be involved. Fair enough.

But when is he going to admit that the real reason he doesn’t want to walk Lindsay down the aisle is because of what is waiting at the end? Frankly, even hecklerspray would be afraid of the sight of Sam Ronson standing at the other side of a room, looking at you as you slowly approach. She’s even worse when she’s wearing those bloody hats – it’s downright menacing.

Now she never does anything exciting – never gets her bits out after a night on the lash (or even intentionally), never gets into public spats with other drunken little girls – she doesn’t even get hit by motorbikes any more. Yes folks, Lindsay Lohan has become a great big pile of dull for us to cover here at hecklerspray towers. We mean, sure, her sister is attempting to whip up some controversy, thus making us all smile, but it just doesn’t have the same effect.

Lindsay just had something about her that made you laugh even harder when she did something completely moronic.

And now, if reports are to be believed, it seems that Lindsay Lohan is going to get married to her partner Sam Ronson. Oh, for those in the dark, that’s ‘Sam’ as in ‘Samantha’. Lindsay decided she preferred girls, then went dull. It’s always the way with old friends, isn’t it?

When we reported the apparent engagement of Lindsay and Sam all the way back in May there was a lot of speculation surrounding the story, with some pretty baseless info being thrown around. A classic Lohan story, in other words. And in the fine traditions of hecklerspray, the wedding reports are being handled in exactly the same way, with numerous ’sources’ and random news sites being consulted for the prime-rib info on the matter.

As well as to check whether she’s gone and got naked while pissed up and set fire to an orphanage or something. Just for old time’s sake, you know?

But no – this would appear to be a new Lindsay Lohan. One very much in love with her femi-beau Sam Ronson and one happy to declare her love in a private ceremony later this year, after California overturned its ban on gay marriage.

Wait – “private”? See, with this new Lindsay we could believe that, but then sources have told the media that:

“They’ve been keeping the relationship quiet for months and trying to pass each other off as ‘just good friends’. But they’ve decided it isn’t a fling, it’s for life – so they want to make their romance public. Dina is still working on the date of the party but it’s looking like towards the end of the year.”

Yes kids – Dina Lohan is organising it. Does anyone else want to place bets on how private this whole thing is actually going to be? Put hecklerspray down for ‘not very’.

Hopefully Dina can put some of her ever-present pushy mum influence into the ceremony and we can have the very public, very embarrassing event that we are all clearly hoping for, with a drunk, stumbling Lindsay slurring about threatening to fight lamp posts.

Not that we’d wish any ill health or unhappiness on the girl, obviously. We’re just quite bored without her being herself.