For just over 18 months now, the question on everyone's lips has been 'Did Anna Nicole Smith's son commit suicide or die accidentally?'

OK, that wasn't a question that was on anyone's lips, since the sole sum of public knowledge about Daniel Smith is that he sometimes looked quite embarrassed when Anna Nicole Smith dragged him in front of the cameras on her reality TV show.

However, the inquest into Daniel Smith's death has revealed that an accidental drug overdose killed him. Truly Daniel Smith was the Heath Ledger of September 2006, albeit a Heath Ledger who wasn't in any films and had a bit of a slutty mum.

Without a shadow of a doubt, the two most important things to happen to the planet this year are the American general election and the Sex And The City film.

So imagine - just imagine - what would happen if the general election and the Sex And The City movie hit each other head-on. Imagine the explosion of joy. Scientists would probably bookmark that date as the day when all of Earth's problems were solved forever.

So, people, brace yourself for that exact thing, because it's happened - Sarah Jessica Parker has claimed that her five-year-old son quite likes Barack Obama. And Lego. But mainly Barack Obama. He's harder to ram up your nose than Lego.

You know that bloke from Sex And The City? No, not that one. Or that one. Or that one. The other one. Him, yes. Well, he's just had a baby.

Chris Noth, the man who played Mr Big in the Sex And The City TV show, has become a father at the ripe old age of 53. It's unknown what effect Chris Noth's new baby will have on the production of the forthcoming Sex And The City movie, but insiders are hoping that it will postpone the film indefinitely, demolish the set and burn down Sarah Jessica Parker's hair.

Oh, OK, not insiders. Us.

Wailing popstar Christina Aguilera has given birth to a baby boy and decided to name it after a superhero robot from the future.

According to a post on her official website, Christina Aguilera gave birth to Max Liron Bratman on Saturday evening. While congratulations should obviously be extended to Christina Aguilera and husband Jordan Bratman, we shouldn't forget that this will be a stressful time in the Aguilera household, filled with abnormally loud off-kilter shrieking and various nauseatingly unpleasant sights and smells.

But we're sure that Max Liron will get used to his new mother sooner or later.

You may have seen photos of Michael Jackson's bruised and scarred new face - but so what? 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery' isn't news, it's an event so regular that horologists use it to keep timepieces accurate.

But 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery Because He Was Punched In The Face By A Child And His Lips Exploded' - now that's news. Fortunately, that seems to be the exact thing that happened to Michael Jackson recently. According to reports, the reason why Michael Jackson suddenly needed surgery on his face was because his five-year-old son Prince Michael II accidentally smacked him, causing his mouth to 'burst and collapse' in the style of a gruesome straight-to-DVD horror movie. Reports that Prince Michael II then went for a knife, wailing "And this is for You Rock My World" are as yet unconfirmed.

Even though Usher only looks about 12 years old, it's pleasing to know that at least he has a fully-working set of adult male genitals - we know this because nine months ago he used them to get his now-wife pregnant.

And now the pregnancy has come to fruition, because it's been reported that Usher's wife Tameka Foster gave birth to their first baby, a little boy called Usher Raymond V, on Monday night. Luckily the birth of baby Usher seems to have taken place without any major complications, which is a relief because we were worried that it'd be carried out with the same indecision that marked Usher and Tameka's wedding. And no baby wants to spend its first few moments on earth trying to be rammed back up its mother's vagina because nobody can decide if they want it or not. Seriously, could've happened.

You just can't get rid of Marie Osmond at the moment - if she's not selling creepy china dolls on television shopping channels or passing out on live TV then she's telling the world that her son is in rehab.

During an appearance on Larry King, Marie Osmond confessed that her 16-year-old son Michael has entered rehab. Quite what Michael Osmond has gone to rehab for is another matter - an addiction to toothpaste, maybe, or smiling. Perhaps Michael Osmond doesn't have an addiction problem at all and just wanted to go to rehab to whistle sunny tunes at the nervous, jumpy, detoxing heroin addicts to help show them that life can be just as darned wonderful as heck if you keep a happy song in your heart. Or maybe Michael Osmond is hooked on hard drugs and alcohol. We just don't know.

Ever since Rosie O'Donnell left The View, there's been a hole in Elisabeth Hasselbeck's life - a big, attention-seeking, red-faced hole that won't stop screaming unless you plug it onto the end of a boob.

But now that hole has been filled by Elisabeth Hasselbeck's newborn baby son. Not much was known about Elisabeth Hasselbeck's son - other than that it's going to rebel harder than any other child in history in about 16 years' time - but then Elisabeth Hasselbeck called The View yesterday to reveal all. Apparently Elisabeth Hasselbeck's new baby is called Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck and weighs 7 pounds, 15 ounces. Hasselbeck would have gone into more detail on The View but she cut things short because she knows that the first few days of a child's life are critical for force-feeding it crackpot right-wing patriotic nonsense before it learns how to say "shut up" or put its fingers in its ears.