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celebrity sons

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Has Baby, Doesn’t Call It Rosie

by Stuart Heritage

Ever since Rosie O’Donnell left The View, there’s been a hole in Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s life – a big, attention-seeking, red-faced hole that won’t stop screaming unless you plug it onto the end of a boob.

But now that hole has been filled by Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s newborn baby son. Not much was known about Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s son – other than that it’s going to rebel harder than any other child in history in about 16 years’ time – but then Elisabeth Hasselbeck called The View yesterday to reveal all. Apparently Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s new baby is called Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck and weighs 7 pounds, 15 ounces. Hasselbeck would have gone into more detail on The View but she cut things short because she knows that the first few days of a child’s life are critical for force-feeding it crackpot right-wing patriotic nonsense before it learns how to say “shut up” or put its fingers in its ears.

Ever since Rosie O'Donnell left The View, there's been a hole in Elisabeth Hasselbeck's life - a big, attention-seeking, red-faced hole that won't stop screaming unless you plug it onto the end of a boob. But now that hole has been filled by Elisabeth Hasselbeck's newborn baby son. Not much was known about Elisabeth Hasselbeck's son - other than that it's going to rebel harder than any other child in history in about 16 years' time - but then Elisabeth Hasselbeck called The View yesterday to reveal all. Apparently Elisabeth Hasselbeck's new baby is called Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck and weighs 7 pounds, 15 ounces. Hasselbeck would have gone into more detail on The View but she cut things short because she knows that the first few days of a child's life are critical for force-feeding it crackpot right-wing patriotic nonsense before it learns how to say "shut up" or put its fingers in its ears.
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Dog The Bounty Hunter Forgives Racism-Taping Son

by Stuart Heritage

If there’s one thing sadder than seeing a grown man cry, it’s seeing an overgrown, bright-orange man with a preposterous blonde mullet and leather waistcoat combination crying.

And if there’s anything sadder than that, it’s seeing an overgrown, bright-orange man with a preposterous blonde mullet and leather waistcoat combination openly wonder if he should commit suicide or bury himself in an unmarked grave like the slaves, which is how Dog The Bounty Hunter has spent most of this week to atone for the tape of him being racist about his son’s black girlfriend. But even though his career is in tatters and he’s become something of a public hate figure, Dog The Bounty Hunter says he’s forgiven the son who shopped him in, and wants to prove his forgiveness by only spraying three full cans of bear mace into his son’s face next time they meet, when the traditional family greeting involves five.

If there's one thing sadder than seeing a grown man cry, it's seeing an overgrown, bright-orange man with a preposterous blonde mullet and leather waistcoat combination crying. And if there's anything sadder than that, it's seeing an overgrown, bright-orange man with a preposterous blonde mullet and leather waistcoat combination openly wonder if he should commit suicide or bury himself in an unmarked grave like the slaves, which is how Dog The Bounty Hunter has spent most of this week to atone for the tape of him being racist about his son's black girlfriend. But even though his career is in tatters and he's become something of a public hate figure, Dog The Bounty Hunter says he's forgiven the son who shopped him in, and wants to prove his forgiveness by only spraying three full cans of bear mace into his son's face next time they meet, when the traditional family greeting involves five.
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Hulk Hogan’s Son Arrested For Crashing His Car Like A Git

by Stuart Heritage

If Hulk Hogan was your Dad, you’d probably rebel a little bit, mostly because you’d be sick of Hulk Hogan picking you up from parties and ripping his flimsy T-shirt off in front of everyone while feigning deafness in an exaggerated way.

So who can blame Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea for going off the rails a little bit? After all, Nick’s just doing what normal teenagers do, pushing at the boundaries by occasionally drinking or getting interested in girls or… what’s that? Nick Bollea rebelled by racing his Toyota at high speed on a wet road, flipping it into a tree-trunk and critically injuring his passenger? OK, admittedly that’s something that a slightly smaller amount of teenagers do.

Anyway, long story short – Nick Bollea has been arrested for the crash and Hulk Hogan isn’t very happy about it, so police should probably watch out for a bald geriatric man with ridiculous facial hair shouting “Whatcha gonna do?” at them until he gets tired and needs to sit down sometime soon.

If Hulk Hogan was your Dad, you'd probably rebel a little bit, mostly because you'd be sick of Hulk Hogan picking you up from parties and ripping his flimsy T-shirt off in front of everyone while feigning deafness in an exaggerated way. So who can blame Hulk Hogan's son Nick Bollea for going off the rails a little bit? After all, Nick's just doing what normal teenagers do, pushing at the boundaries by occasionally drinking or getting interested in girls or... what's that? Nick Bollea rebelled by racing his Toyota at high speed on a wet road, flipping it into a tree-trunk and critically injuring his passenger? OK, admittedly that's something that a slightly smaller amount of teenagers do. Anyway, long story short - Nick Bollea has been arrested for the crash and Hulk Hogan isn't very happy about it, so police should probably watch out for a bald geriatric man with ridiculous facial hair shouting "Whatcha gonna do?" at them until he gets tired and needs to sit down sometime soon.
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Dog The Big Racist Bounty Hunter Way Too Racist For TV

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s a surprise – Dog The Bounty Hunter might be a teensy bit racist, in that he’s been taped furiously demanding that his son break up with his black girlfriend because he doesn’t much care for ‘niggers’.

Frankly we’re stunned. Who’d have thought that a man named after an animal, who makes his living by chasing wanted criminals and then attacking them with bear mace, who dresses like he’s going to a monster truck convention on the moon 20 years ago, and who constantly refers to people as ‘bra’ could even be slightly racist. But it turns out that Dog The Bounty Hunter is racist, and as a result his American broadcaster A&E has decided not to make his show any more. Hopefully Dog The Bounty Hunter isn’t too sad about this – because we’ve heard rumours that he cries tears of red-hot magma, and that would never do.

Here's a surprise - Dog The Bounty Hunter might be a teensy bit racist, in that he's been taped furiously demanding that his son break up with his black girlfriend because he doesn't much care for 'niggers'. Frankly we're stunned. Who'd have thought that a man named after an animal, who makes his living by chasing wanted criminals and then attacking them with bear mace, who dresses like he's going to a monster truck convention on the moon 20 years ago, and who constantly refers to people as 'bra' could even be slightly racist. But it turns out that Dog The Bounty Hunter is racist, and as a result his American broadcaster A&E has decided not to make his show any more. Hopefully Dog The Bounty Hunter isn't too sad about this - because we've heard rumours that he cries tears of red-hot magma, and that would never do.
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