Articles tagged with: celebrity sons
Matthew McConaughey Takes All The Credit For His New Baby
Alright, we get it, you celebrities are fertile, well done - now do you think you can stop firing babies out of your mimsies, please? We're only asking because Matthew McConaughey has just become a father for the first time, and everyone knows that Matthew McConaughey kills fads as soon as he so much as looks at them. Matthew McConaughey announced the birth of his new son via an embarrassingly self-congratulatory statement making much about the fact that he managed to stand next to his girlfriend the whole time. McConaughey's right to crow, though, because he knows for certain that the baby is definitely his - when it was born it was shirtless, naturally bald and kept making this irritating "Waaah waaah" noise all the time. Sounds like a perfect match to us.
Alright, we get it, you celebrities are fertile, well done - now do you think you can stop firing babies out of your mimsies, please? We're only asking because Matthew McConaughey has just become a father for the first time, and everyone knows that Matthew McConaughey kills fads as soon as he so much as looks at them. Matthew McConaughey announced the birth of his new son via an embarrassingly self-congratulatory statement making much about the fact that he managed to stand next to his girlfriend the whole time. McConaughey's right to crow, though, because he knows for certain that the baby is definitely his - when it was born it was shirtless, naturally bald and kept making this irritating "Waaah waaah" noise all the time. Sounds like a perfect match to us.
Jim Carrey Marches For Boy-Love Or Something
Imagine how awesome it'd be if Jim Carrey was your dad. Wait, did we say 'awesome'? We meant 'soul-draining'. We'd imagine that Jim Carrey would be the sort of parent who makes your friends say "Wow, your dad is so cool!" forcing you to explain to them that waking up every morning knowing that you're about to be subjected to a tedious 45-minute comic improvisational display involving a spoon and pair of slippers has made your life a sheer unrelenting hell on earth. Anyway, Jim Carrey does have a son - a six-year-old autistic boy called Evan. And even though Evan isn't his and he's not married to the woman who gave birth to Evan, Jim Carrey's just gone on a march and told a magazine that Evan has 'taught him how to love', something that must bring tears of joy to the eyes of Jim Carrey's 20-year-old biological daughter.
Imagine how awesome it'd be if Jim Carrey was your dad. Wait, did we say 'awesome'? We meant 'soul-draining'. We'd imagine that Jim Carrey would be the sort of parent who makes your friends say "Wow, your dad is so cool!" forcing you to explain to them that waking up every morning knowing that you're about to be subjected to a tedious 45-minute comic improvisational display involving a spoon and pair of slippers has made your life a sheer unrelenting hell on earth. Anyway, Jim Carrey does have a son - a six-year-old autistic boy called Evan. And even though Evan isn't his and he's not married to the woman who gave birth to Evan, Jim Carrey's just gone on a march and told a magazine that Evan has 'taught him how to love', something that must bring tears of joy to the eyes of Jim Carrey's 20-year-old biological daughter.
Hulk Hogan’s Son In Solitary, Not Exactly Thrilled About It
Being in jail can be a miserable experience, especially when you're not allowed vital bonding time with the assorted rapists and murderers that count as your new flatmates. Hulk Hogan's son Nick Bollea isn't getting any of that at the moment, despite being sentenced to eight months in jail for crashing his car and putting his friend in a care home forever. Sure, Nick Bollea is actually in jail at the moment, but he's in solitary. Because his jail can't accommodate minors properly, Nick Bollea has to spend all day on his own in a tiny cell where his meals are passed to him through a slot in the door. It can't be much fun for Nick Bollea to be kept alone with his thoughts, mostly because he's only ever had one thought and that was in 1998 and, to be fair, it was more of a nonspecific gurgle than anything you could say was grounded in cognitive perception.
Being in jail can be a miserable experience, especially when you're not allowed vital bonding time with the assorted rapists and murderers that count as your new flatmates. Hulk Hogan's son Nick Bollea isn't getting any of that at the moment, despite being sentenced to eight months in jail for crashing his car and putting his friend in a care home forever. Sure, Nick Bollea is actually in jail at the moment, but he's in solitary. Because his jail can't accommodate minors properly, Nick Bollea has to spend all day on his own in a tiny cell where his meals are passed to him through a slot in the door. It can't be much fun for Nick Bollea to be kept alone with his thoughts, mostly because he's only ever had one thought and that was in 1998 and, to be fair, it was more of a nonspecific gurgle than anything you could say was grounded in cognitive perception.
50 Cent Still To Call Smoke-Damaged Son After House Fire
Typical - first 50 Cent releases an album and it's upstaged by Kanye West's album, and now his house fire's been upstaged by the Universal Studios fire. Not that a little thing like the Back To The Future clocktower burning down will stop people from being curious about the 50 Cent house fire, though - especially as it came right in the middle of an ugly public feud between 50 Cent and his ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins, who was living in the house at the time. And now the mystery has got a little deeper, because Tompkins is claiming that 50 Cent hasn't bothered to call their 10-year-old son Marquise after the fire, even though he was treated for smoke inhalation. But you know what they say - better to have no contact at all than to record a mawkish vom-inducing Eminem-style 'Daddy loves you' track about it.
Typical - first 50 Cent releases an album and it's upstaged by Kanye West's album, and now his house fire's been upstaged by the Universal Studios fire. Not that a little thing like the Back To The Future clocktower burning down will stop people from being curious about the 50 Cent house fire, though - especially as it came right in the middle of an ugly public feud between 50 Cent and his ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins, who was living in the house at the time. And now the mystery has got a little deeper, because Tompkins is claiming that 50 Cent hasn't bothered to call their 10-year-old son Marquise after the fire, even though he was treated for smoke inhalation. But you know what they say - better to have no contact at all than to record a mawkish vom-inducing Eminem-style 'Daddy loves you' track about it.
Someone Burns Down 50 Cent’s House, Probably
Just a hunch, but we imagine that 50 Cent's next album will be called Switch Off Your Electrical Appliances At Night Or Suffer Smoke Inhalation Trying. That's because 50 Cent's house has just spectacularly and completely burnt to the ground. But don't worry - 50 Cent is fine. The house that burnt down wasn't the house he lives in, just the house that his ex-girlfriend and their 10-year-old son live in. Phew! Panic over. They're both OK as well, by the way - but that hasn't stopped a fireman calling the blaze 'suspicious', not least because 50 Cent has been trying to evict his ex-girlfriend and son from the property for a while now. Still, if we know anything about the hip-hop community, it's that it's full of exemplary citizens who like nothing more than to cooperate with potentially criminal investigations by the authorities.
Just a hunch, but we imagine that 50 Cent's next album will be called Switch Off Your Electrical Appliances At Night Or Suffer Smoke Inhalation Trying. That's because 50 Cent's house has just spectacularly and completely burnt to the ground. But don't worry - 50 Cent is fine. The house that burnt down wasn't the house he lives in, just the house that his ex-girlfriend and their 10-year-old son live in. Phew! Panic over. They're both OK as well, by the way - but that hasn't stopped a fireman calling the blaze 'suspicious', not least because 50 Cent has been trying to evict his ex-girlfriend and son from the property for a while now. Still, if we know anything about the hip-hop community, it's that it's full of exemplary citizens who like nothing more than to cooperate with potentially criminal investigations by the authorities.
Madonna Gets To Keep Her Adopted Malawian Boy-Slave
Break out the overpriced Kabbalah water and whatever the hell it is that makes Madonna's arm all veiny and crap - Madonna's won her adoption case! It's been close to two years in the making, but today a Malawi court finally made Madonna's adoption of her three-year-old Malawian son David Banda official. At last - now the courts are off her back, Madonna can finally force little David to work backbreaking chore-filled 21-hour days around the house without worrying that he'll get taken away. We're just kidding. It's disgusting to assume that Madonna only adopted a poor Malawian boy to use as a dirt-cheap houseboy. She did it because now she can go out and carry him around and everyone will look at him instead of noticing how weirdly immobile her face looks these days.
Break out the overpriced Kabbalah water and whatever the hell it is that makes Madonna's arm all veiny and crap - Madonna's won her adoption case! It's been close to two years in the making, but today a Malawi court finally made Madonna's adoption of her three-year-old Malawian son David Banda official. At last - now the courts are off her back, Madonna can finally force little David to work backbreaking chore-filled 21-hour days around the house without worrying that he'll get taken away. We're just kidding. It's disgusting to assume that Madonna only adopted a poor Malawian boy to use as a dirt-cheap houseboy. She did it because now she can go out and carry him around and everyone will look at him instead of noticing how weirdly immobile her face looks these days.
Slash Saves Son From 80 Snakes
It's a commonly accepted semi-fact that Slash learned to play guitar after a welding accident left him stuck to his uncle's six string for almost two and a half years. It was middle school, and he just wanted classmates to think he was carrying the thing around because he wanted to. After a while, not only could he play the instrument, but he could also write with it, eat with it, and use it to point his dinky in the general direction of the urinal. His uncle hated that the most. That's how Slash got so tough. His son, though, apparently has no means of becoming such a hardened brute. After all - he can't even handle 80 or so snakes, so his dad had to kick them all out of the house.
It's a commonly accepted semi-fact that Slash learned to play guitar after a welding accident left him stuck to his uncle's six string for almost two and a half years. It was middle school, and he just wanted classmates to think he was carrying the thing around because he wanted to. After a while, not only could he play the instrument, but he could also write with it, eat with it, and use it to point his dinky in the general direction of the urinal. His uncle hated that the most. That's how Slash got so tough. His son, though, apparently has no means of becoming such a hardened brute. After all - he can't even handle 80 or so snakes, so his dad had to kick them all out of the house.
Cate Blanchett Names New Baby After A Type Of Rock Or Something
Cate Blanchett has just given birth to her third baby, and let's hope there's not a fourth because she's clearly already starting to run out of names. Why? Because, in what appears to be a deliberate attempt to ensure that the child gets beaten up at school, gets passed over for every job it applies for and dies alone and unmarried in several decades' time, Cate Blanchett has decided to name her new son Ignatius Martin. Which admittedly isn't a type of rock at all - we just said that because 'Ignatius' sounds a bit like 'igneous'. But would you have read a story with the headline Cate Blanchett Names New Baby After The Third Bishop Of Antioch And A Student Of The Apostle John Who, Prior To His Martyrdom In Rome, Wrote A Series Of Letters Which Have Been Preserved As An Example Of The Theology Of The Earliest Christians? No. No you effing wouldn't have.
Cate Blanchett has just given birth to her third baby, and let's hope there's not a fourth because she's clearly already starting to run out of names. Why? Because, in what appears to be a deliberate attempt to ensure that the child gets beaten up at school, gets passed over for every job it applies for and dies alone and unmarried in several decades' time, Cate Blanchett has decided to name her new son Ignatius Martin. Which admittedly isn't a type of rock at all - we just said that because 'Ignatius' sounds a bit like 'igneous'. But would you have read a story with the headline Cate Blanchett Names New Baby After The Third Bishop Of Antioch And A Student Of The Apostle John Who, Prior To His Martyrdom In Rome, Wrote A Series Of Letters Which Have Been Preserved As An Example Of The Theology Of The Earliest Christians? No. No you effing wouldn't have.
