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celebrity sons

Someone Burns Down 50 Cent’s House, Probably

by Stuart Heritage

Just a hunch, but we imagine that 50 Cent’s next album will be called Switch Off Your Electrical Appliances At Night Or Suffer Smoke Inhalation Trying.

That’s because 50 Cent’s house has just spectacularly and completely burnt to the ground. But don’t worry – 50 Cent is fine. The house that burnt down wasn’t the house he lives in, just the house that his ex-girlfriend and their 10-year-old son live in. Phew! Panic over.

They’re both OK as well, by the way – but that hasn’t stopped a fireman calling the blaze ‘suspicious’, not least because 50 Cent has been trying to evict his ex-girlfriend and son from the property for a while now. Still, if we know anything about the hip-hop community, it’s that it’s full ofexemplary citizens who like nothing more than to cooperate with potentially criminal investigations by the authorities.

Just a hunch, but we imagine that 50 Cent's next album will be called Switch Off Your Electrical Appliances At Night Or Suffer Smoke Inhalation Trying. That's because 50 Cent's house has just spectacularly and completely burnt to the ground. But don't worry - 50 Cent is fine. The house that burnt down wasn't the house he lives in, just the house that his ex-girlfriend and their 10-year-old son live in. Phew! Panic over. They're both OK as well, by the way - but that hasn't stopped a fireman calling the blaze 'suspicious', not least because 50 Cent has been trying to evict his ex-girlfriend and son from the property for a while now. Still, if we know anything about the hip-hop community, it's that it's full ofexemplary citizens who like nothing more than to cooperate with potentially criminal investigations by the authorities.
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Madonna Gets To Keep Her Adopted Malawian Boy-Slave

by Stuart Heritage

Break out the overpriced Kabbalah water and whatever the hell it is that makes Madonna’s arm all veiny and crap – Madonna’s won her adoption case!

It’s been close to two years in the making, but today a Malawi court finally made Madonna’s adoption of her three-year-old Malawian son David Banda official. At last – now the courts are off her back, Madonna can finally force little David to work backbreaking chore-filled 21-hour days around the house without worrying that he’ll get taken away.

We’re just kidding. It’s disgusting to assume that Madonna only adopted a poor Malawian boy to use as a dirt-cheap houseboy. She did it because now she can go out and carry him around and everyone will look at him instead of noticing how weirdly immobile her face looks these days.

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Slash Saves Son From 80 Snakes

by Shawn Lindseth

It’s a commonly accepted semi-fact that Slash learned to play guitar after a welding accident left him stuck to his uncle’s six string for almost two and a half years.

It was middle school, and he just wanted classmates to think he was carrying the thing around because he wanted to. After a while, not only could he play the instrument, but he could also write with it, eat with it, and use it to point his dinky in the general direction of the urinal. His uncle hated that the most.

That’s how Slash got so tough. His son, though, apparently has no means of becoming such a hardened brute. After all – he can’t even handle 80 or so snakes, so his dad had to kick them all out of the house.

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Cate Blanchett Names New Baby After A Type Of Rock Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

Cate Blanchett has just given birth to her third baby, and let’s hope there’s not a fourth because she’s clearly already starting to run out of names.

Why? Because, in what appears to be a deliberate attempt to ensure that the child gets beaten up at school, gets passed over for every job it applies for and dies alone and unmarried in several decades’ time, Cate Blanchett has decided to name her new son Ignatius Martin.

Which admittedly isn’t a type of rock at all – we just said that because ‘Ignatius’ sounds a bit like ‘igneous’. But would you have read a story with the headline Cate Blanchett Names New Baby After The Third Bishop Of Antioch And A Student Of The Apostle John Who, Prior To His Martyrdom In Rome, Wrote A Series Of Letters Which Have Been Preserved As An Example Of The Theology Of The Earliest Christians? No. No you effing wouldn’t have.

Cate Blanchett has just given birth to her third baby, and let's hope there's not a fourth because she's clearly already starting to run out of names. Why? Because, in what appears to be a deliberate attempt to ensure that the child gets beaten up at school, gets passed over for every job it applies for and dies alone and unmarried in several decades' time, Cate Blanchett has decided to name her new son Ignatius Martin. Which admittedly isn't a type of rock at all - we just said that because 'Ignatius' sounds a bit like 'igneous'. But would you have read a story with the headline Cate Blanchett Names New Baby After The Third Bishop Of Antioch And A Student Of The Apostle John Who, Prior To His Martyrdom In Rome, Wrote A Series Of Letters Which Have Been Preserved As An Example Of The Theology Of The Earliest Christians? No. No you effing wouldn't have.
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Anna Nicole Smith’s Son Didn’t Die On Purpose

by Stuart Heritage

For just over 18 months now, the question on everyone’s lips has been ‘Did Anna Nicole Smith’s son commit suicide or die accidentally?’

OK, that wasn’t a question that was on anyone’s lips, since the sole sum of public knowledge about Daniel Smith is that he sometimes looked quite embarrassed when Anna Nicole Smith dragged him in front of the cameras on her reality TV show.

However, the inquest into Daniel Smith’s death has revealed that an accidental drug overdose killed him. Truly Daniel Smith was the Heath Ledger of September 2006, albeit a Heath Ledger who wasn’t in any films and had a bit of a slutty mum.

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Breaking: Sarah Jessica Parker’s 5-Year-Old Endorses Barack Obama

by Stuart Heritage

Without a shadow of a doubt, the two most important things to happen to the planet this year are the American general election and the Sex And The City film.

So imagine – just imagine – what would happen if the general election and the Sex And The City movie hit each other head-on. Imagine the explosion of joy. Scientists would probably bookmark that date as the day when all of Earth’s problems were solved forever.

So, people, brace yourself for that exact thing, because it’s happened – Sarah Jessica Parker has claimed that her five-year-old son quite likes Barack Obama. And Lego. But mainly Barack Obama. He’s harder to ram up your nose than Lego.

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That Bloke From Sex And The City Has A Baby

by Stuart Heritage

You know that bloke from Sex And The City? No, not that one. Or that one. Or that one. The other one. Him, yes. Well, he’s just had a baby.

Chris Noth, the man who played Mr Big in the Sex And The City TV show, has become a father at the ripe old age of 53. It’s unknown what effect Chris Noth’s new baby will have on the production of the forthcoming Sex And The City movie, but insiders are hoping that it will postpone the film indefinitely, demolish the set and burn down Sarah Jessica Parker’s hair.

Oh, OK, not insiders. Us.

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Christina Aguilera Has An Oddly-Named Baby Boy

by Stuart Heritage

Wailing popstar Christina Aguilera has given birth to a baby boy and decided to name it after a superhero robot from the future.

According to a post on her official website, Christina Aguilera gave birth to Max Liron Bratman on Saturday evening. While congratulations should obviously be extended to Christina Aguilera and husband Jordan Bratman, we shouldn’t forget that this will be a stressful time in the Aguilera household, filled with abnormally loud off-kilter shrieking and various nauseatingly unpleasant sights and smells.

But we’re sure that Max Liron will get used to his new mother sooner or later.

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Kid Punches Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson’s Lips Explode

by Stuart Heritage

You may have seen photos of Michael Jackson’s bruised and scarred new face – but so what? ‘Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery’ isn’t news, it’s an event so regular that horologists use it to keep timepieces accurate.

But ‘Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery Because He Was Punched In The Face By A Child And His Lips Exploded’ – now that’s news. Fortunately, that seems to be the exact thing that happened to Michael Jackson recently. According to reports, the reason why Michael Jackson suddenly needed surgery on his face was because his five-year-old son Prince Michael II accidentally smacked him, causing his mouth to ‘burst and collapse’ in the style of a gruesome straight-to-DVD horror movie. Reports that Prince Michael II then went for a knife, wailing “And this is for You Rock My World” are as yet unconfirmed.

You may have seen photos of Michael Jackson's bruised and scarred new face - but so what? 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery' isn't news, it's an event so regular that horologists use it to keep timepieces accurate. But 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery Because He Was Punched In The Face By A Child And His Lips Exploded' - now that's news. Fortunately, that seems to be the exact thing that happened to Michael Jackson recently. According to reports, the reason why Michael Jackson suddenly needed surgery on his face was because his five-year-old son Prince Michael II accidentally smacked him, causing his mouth to 'burst and collapse' in the style of a gruesome straight-to-DVD horror movie. Reports that Prince Michael II then went for a knife, wailing "And this is for You Rock My World" are as yet unconfirmed.
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Usher Has Baby, Names It Usher

by Stuart Heritage

Even though Usher only looks about 12 years old, it’s pleasing to know that at least he has a fully-working set of adult male genitals – we know this because nine months ago he used them to get his now-wife pregnant.

And now the pregnancy has come to fruition, because it’s been reported that Usher’s wife Tameka Foster gave birth to their first baby, a little boy called Usher Raymond V, on Monday night. Luckily the birth of baby Usher seems to have taken place without any major complications, which is a relief because we were worried that it’d be carried out with the same indecision that marked Usher and Tameka’s wedding. And no baby wants to spend its first few moments on earth trying to be rammed back up its mother’s vagina because nobody can decide if they want it or not. Seriously, could’ve happened.

Even though Usher only looks about 12 years old, it's pleasing to know that at least he has a fully-working set of adult male genitals - we know this because nine months ago he used them to get his now-wife pregnant. And now the pregnancy has come to fruition, because it's been reported that Usher's wife Tameka Foster gave birth to their first baby, a little boy called Usher Raymond V, on Monday night. Luckily the birth of baby Usher seems to have taken place without any major complications, which is a relief because we were worried that it'd be carried out with the same indecision that marked Usher and Tameka's wedding. And no baby wants to spend its first few moments on earth trying to be rammed back up its mother's vagina because nobody can decide if they want it or not. Seriously, could've happened.
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