celebrity sons - HecklerSpray

Charlotte Church Has Spawned Again, Just So You Know

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Charlotte Church – whom many of you will recognise as a woman who used to be famous – has every reason to celebrate today.

She’s just had a baby. According to reports, Charlotte Church and her boyfriend Gavin Henson have just welcomed their second child, a baby boy, into the world.

Although the baby hasn’t been named yet, reports are suggesting that he’s just like Charlotte Church. Apparently he screams a lot, often seems bewildered, constantly grasps at anything that comes close to him and has a sense of humour that seems to primarily revolve around pooing uncontrollably into his own underwear.

John Travolta Releases Statement About Jett’s Death

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Of all the terrible ways to start a new year, losing your 16-year-old son on New Year’s Day has to rank among the worst.

So there can’t be a person on the planet who’d want to trade places with John Travolta at the moment. As you’ve probably already heard, John Travolta’s 16-year-old son Jett died at some point between January 1 and 2 from a seizure brought on by his Kawasaki syndrome.

And now John Travolta has released a statement about Jett’s death, thanking the public for its support and describing how ‘heartbroken’ he and his wife are. Horrible news.

Ashlee Simpson Gives Her Baby A Breathtakingly Gormless Name

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Since she’s been pregnant for roughly seven years now, Ashlee Simpson has had plenty of time to think up a really stupid baby name.

But not even the biggest advocates of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz‘s thundering lunk-headedness could have been prepared for the sheer life-ruining awfulness of the name that they’ve chosen for the son that Ashlee gave birth to yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, may we introduce you to little Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

But don’t think that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz chose the name Bronx Mowgli Wentz on a whim – three weeks ago Pete Wentz told Ryan Seacrest that they wanted to meet the baby before they settled on a name. So presumably Bronx Mowgli looks like a cartoon gargoyle and he’ll be raised by animals. We don’t think we need to verbalise what we’re all thinking, do you?

Britney Spears’ Son Goes To Hospital, Then Goes Home Again

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There’s good luck, bad luck, awful luck and then there’s Britney Spears luck – and Britney Spears has probably just edged a new level.

On Sunday Britney Spears got to take her children out of California for the very first time since she lost custody of them. And that’s the exact moment that her two-year-old son Jayden James decided to get hospitalised for an allergic reaction to something he ate. Apparently kids don’t take too well to eating shards of broken Lego bricks wedged between slices of frozen animal piss. Who knew?

Oh, we’re joking – Britney Spears’ son wasn’t hospitalised for anything Britney did, and he’s now been released. In fact, we get the feeling that he only went to hospital because all the men in white coats reminded him of when he used to live with mummy.

Zac Efron Not Starring In Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Yet.

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Until now there’s been one reason and one reason alone to look forward to Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 – no Orlando Bloom.

But now there’s another reason that’s equally uplifting – not only will Orlando Bloom not foul up Pirates Of The Caribbean 4, but nor will Zac Efron from High School Musical. Contrary to rumours suggesting that Zac Efron had signed on to play Johnny Depp‘s son in the fourth Pirates Of The Caribbean movie, it’s been revealed that no such deal has been made.

Yet. Despite the denial, Zac Efron isn’t hiding his enthusiasm for a role in Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. But if he does eventually get the job, producers will have to find a clever way to explain his presence in the movie. We suggest a flashback to Captain Jack Sparrow having it off with a charisma-free injection-moulded shop dummy and somehow getting it pregnant. Nobody could argue with logic like that.

50 Cent Gets To Hang Around With Oddly-Named Son More

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

50 Cent was brought up on the streets, and therefore he’s not a man you want to mess with – he’s gangsta, he knows how to hold a grudge.

Cross 50 Cent and you’ll know. You’re entire family will know it. Everyone you’ve ever cared for will know it. Unless, you know, it’s a dispute that can be peacefully mediated in a courtroom within the space of about five minutes, because if that’s the case 50 Cent will probably just do that instead.

And that’s just what 50 Cent did yesterday, to settle a custody agreement over visitation rights to his 12-year-old son Marquise. In the agreement 50 Cent will spend more time with Marquise, and that’s important. Not because a boy of Marquise’s age needs a strong father figure, though – but because now 50 Cent has even more time to relentlessly apologise for deciding to name him something as crap as Marquise.

Sharon Stone Didn’t Botox Her Son’s Stinky-Bum Feet, OK?

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You might not know this, but Sharon Stone is famed for her sense of smell – if a mouse does a poo 50 miles away, Sharon Stone will still puke up and faint because if it.

And this ability has ultimately been Sharon Stone’s undoing. Sharon Stone lost custody of her child recently, with one of the justifications being that Sharon’s eight-year-old son had feet that smelt like putrid bum death, and she wanted to cure this with regular Botox injections into his feet.

However, Sharon Stone has denied wanting to Botox her son’s feet, calling it a ‘complete fabrication’. But on the other hand, she did give him a browlift to stop his sweaty armpits and a brand new set of 36DD plastic boobies to try and offset his chronic farting, so who knows.

Sharon Stone Longs To Fill Young Son Lovingly With Botox To Cure His Stank Feet. We Heard.

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

hecklerspray doesn’t have any kids, but if we did we’d demand DNA evidence and a court order to prove it. They ain’t ours, skank.

Of course, once those things were obtained we’d dote on them, treating them each individually with great love and deep respect at least until age six, when their value in the middle east really peaks.

Speaking of which – thanks for the price guide, Amir, but do you have one in the King’s English?

If you think that’s bad – you should see Sharon Stone‘s parenting. She wants to pump her child so full of Botox that his seams start to burst. That’s why a judge just banished her to only seeing him two weekends a month or something.

Sharon Stone Loses Her Kid (No, Not Up Her Giant Mudflaps)

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We always thought that Sharon Stone would be a good mother, particularly because she’d always be getting her vag out to remind you where you’re from.

But maybe Sharon Stone isn’t such a fantastic mother after all, because it turns out that she’s lost physical custody of her eight-year-old son Roan to her ex-husband Phil Bronstein.

That’s upsetting. Not for Sharon Stone – she’s old enough to cope with this – but for her son. After all, this means he’ll never get to experience the unique form of schoolyard bullying that comes from having your naked 50-year-old mother who happens to be an intense figure of hatred to the entire Chinese community drop you off at school every morning. That poor boy. That poor poor boy.

Ryan O’Neal And Son Get Busted For Having All The Drugs

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

$Ryan O\'Neal arrested son drugs methamphetamine$ A public plea: Can someone, anyone, from MTV please immediately go and make a reality TV show about Ryan O’Neal and his family? Thanks.

Because, without question, a TV show about the family life of Ryan O’Neal would hands-down be the best piece of television ever made. Especially if it explained why Ryan O’Neal and his son Redmond were yesterday both arrested on the felony charge of methamphetamine possession.

Wow. So Oscar-nominated actor Ryan O’Neal (father of Tatum O’Neal, the actress who was recently arrested for buying crack) and his son Redmond (who last year tied his half-brother to a staircase like a dog and hit his girlfriend in the head with a fireplace poker until Ryan O’Neal actually had to fire a gun at him to make him stop) might be on drugs. Who knew?