Chris Rock Is A ‘Statutory Rapist’, claims TV show. Only Joking! Chris Rock, until recently widely regarded as the funniest man in the English speaking world (as recent as yesterday, in fact) has all of a sudden lost his sense of humour entirely. Chris, currently touring his ‘No Apologies’ show around South Africa, was the butt of a US reality TV show prank. You ask: what was said prank? Well, he he, get this! God, we’re laughing just typing it down! Right, this TV show (which no one seems to know the name of) made accusations that Chris Rock has, wait for it… had sex with an underage British girl - when he hasn’t! Ahahahahahaha! Genius! And yet, for some reason, Chris Rock didn’t find being accused of statuatory rape funny in the slightest. The bloody square.

Big Brother Betting Odds: Sex In The Big Brother House? You can't hide from it any longer - Big Brother starts tomorrow. Lucky us, huh? Lucky, lucky us. Come Friday morning we'll have a comprehensive rundown on exactly why the new Big Brother housemates all deserve to be drowned in a bucket of their own piss, but before then we've got a handful of Big Brother special betting odds to get through. And, although you'll deny it, this is the one you really want to come true. Perverts. Here are the Big Brother betting odds for sex to happen in the Big Brother house this year, with help from Paddy Power...

Amy Winehouse: Now There’s Another Amybanger We'll say this about Amy Winehouse - sure, she might look as if she's woefully incapacitated by heavy drug use, but she sure can put it around. After reports emerged that she's been cheating on incarcerated husband Blake Fielder-Civil with a dull-looking boy and a lank-haired photographer, now it's claimed that Amy Winehouse has also been secretly sleeping with one of Babyshambles as well. Don't worry, though - the good news is that Amy's new lover isn't Pete Doherty, sparing us all a mental image so profoundly upsetting that it'd put us off all human contact ever again. But the bad news is that it's Mik Whitnall, the member of Babyshambles who most closely resembles Bez's grandfather after three straight months of 24-style interro-torture.

Amy Winehouse Also Did It With A Snapper, Apparently Hey, are you sick of being forced to think of Amy Winehouse's grisly genitals in action yet? Yeah, us too. But come on. Take a deep breath, hunker down for the next couple of minutes and we'll all get through this together. It might take some strength of mind and a couple of months of group counselling afterwards, but we'll be OK. Ready? Good. Amy Winehouse has apparently been - urg - having sex. With someone who isn't her husband or that new bloke she's been dragging around lately. Amy Winehouse has apparently been having sex with - gleurgh - a long-haired American photographer. And it's all the fault of - huuurrrgh - Kelly Osbourne. If you need us we'll be puking and crying at the same time in the corner.

Lindsay Lohan’s Mum: ‘You Will Not See My Daughter’s Vagina!’ Lindsay Lohan's mum, Dina Lohan, has dismissed reports that her daughter will be getting her fanny out for upcoming independent film Florence. The news has no doubt brought a tear to the eye of a million lonely lads who, if Dina is to be believed, will have to make do with what Lindsay has put out for their consumption already – as if that wasn’t enough. But who cares about those wankers? Spare a thought for the producers of the film: you jerk-offs have only lost out on another chance to be titillated - the producers have lost the entire plot to their film!

Lindsay Lohan Naked, Again

Lindsay Lohan is set to strip off in her upcoming film.

That’s right, according to MTV UK, Lindsay Lohan is going to take all of her clothes off. She is going to get completely naked – can you imagine that??

Of course you can. Everybody can. At just the mention of her name your mind’s eye was no doubt engulfed with images of her inflated bosoms hovering around you.

Shakira Sex Tape Threesome Nothing More Than A Stupid Lie

There are ontological, teleological and moral arguments about the existence of God, but nothing would swing it for us more than an internet video of Shakira being done by two blokes on a boat.

So when we heard that there was a three-way Shakira sex tape knocking about, our cries of "there is a God!" could be heard from miles around. After all, if a Shakira sex tape is the holy grail of sex tapes, then a three-way Shakira sex tape is the holy grail, um, being done by two blokes on a boat.

But the excitement was misplaced - the Shakira sex tape has been unmasked as a cruel April Fool's prank by a DJ in Argentina. A cruel, stupid prank by an idiot DJ in rubbish Argentina. Stupid imaginary God.

Bleurgh: Madonna Discusses Sex With Guy Ritchie

Every wondered what it's like to have sex with Guy Ritchie? Us neither - in fact, we've spent much of our lives actively avoiding that exact thought.

But Madonna doesn't care. She's got an album coming out soon and she knows that nothing shifts CDs quite like intimate discussions of grubby sexual encounters with obnoxious mockneys, not matter how much they make your skin crawl.

For the record, Madonna says that Guy Ritchie is 'incredible' at sex - but before you get too excited, remember that some other things Madonna finds incredible include age-inappropriate leotards, scripts for poor erotic thrillers, Naomi Campbell's vagina, Andrew Lloyd-Webber musicals and made-up religions. It's hardly a group you'd want to be associated with, is it?