Posts tagged as:

celebrity sex

Lindsay Lohan’s Mum: ‘You Will Not See My Daughter’s Vagina!’

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan’s mum, Dina Lohan, has dismissed reports that her daughter will be getting her fanny out for upcoming independent film Florence.

The news has no doubt brought a tear to the eye of a million lonely lads who, if Dina is to be believed, will have to make do with what Lindsay has put out there for your consumption already – as if that wasn’t enough.

But who cares about those wankers? Take a moment to spare a thought for the producers of the film: you jerk-offs have only lost out on another chance to be titillated – the producers have lost the entire plot to their film!

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Lindsay Lohan Naked, Again

by Paul Sorrenti

Linsay Lohan Is Gonna Get Naked, AgainLindsay Lohan’s solo quest to become the girl ‘more synonymous with sex than any other’ in the whole wide world won another victory today, as news emerges that she is set strip off in her upcoming film.

That’s right, according to MTV UK Lindsay Lohan is going to take all of her clothes off in front of a camera that is all set to record. She is going to get completely naked – can you imagine that??

Of course you can. Everybody can. At just the mention of her name your mind’s eye was no doubt engulfed with images of her inflated bosoms hovering around you, demanding you to suck your celebrity hit from the nipples, which by now may as well be a PLC.

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Shakira Sex Tape Threesome Nothing More Than A Stupid Lie

by Stuart Heritage

There are ontological, teleological and moral arguments about the existence of God, but nothing would swing it for us more than an internet video of Shakira being done by two blokes on a boat.

So when we heard that there was a three-way Shakira sex tape knocking about, our cries of “there is a God!” could be heard from miles around. After all, if a Shakira sex tape is the holy grail of sex tapes, then a three-way Shakira sex tape is the holy grail, um, being done by two blokes on a boat.

But the excitement was misplaced – the Shakira sex tape has been unmasked as a cruel April Fool’s prank by a DJ in Argentina. A cruel, stupid prank by an idiot DJ in rubbish Argentina. Stupid imaginary God.

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Bleurgh: Madonna Discusses Sex With Guy Ritchie

by Stuart Heritage

Every wondered what it’s like to have sex with Guy Ritchie? Us neither – in fact, we’ve spent much of our lives actively avoiding that exact thought.

But Madonna doesn’t care. She’s got an album coming out soon and she knows that nothing shifts CDs quite like intimate discussions of grubby sexual encounters with obnoxious mockneys, not matter how much they make your skin crawl.

For the record, Madonna says that Guy Ritchie is ‘incredible’ at sex – but before you get too excited, remember that some other things Madonna finds incredible include age-inappropriate leotards, scripts for poor erotic thrillers, Naomi Campbell’s vagina, Andrew Lloyd-Webber musicals and made-up religions. It’s hardly a group you’d want to be associated with, is it?

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Brad Pitt’s And Angelina Jolie’s Marriage Potentially Poppycock

by Paul Sorrenti

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie’s Marriage Potentially PoppycockBrad Pitt and Angelina Jolie love and trust each other so much that they have decided to sign a legally binding contract making it a huge financial risk for either of them to sleep with anyone else.

According to Star Magazine website, the worlds most famous couple made their love official (any love outside of marriage is unofficial – fact) in New Orleans on Saturday.

What a scoop for Star Magazine! But not so according to people.com, who claim it’s all a big bag of overflowing poppycock.More…

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Lindsay Lohan Wants A Kylie And Rihanna Musical Orgy!

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan has spoken of her plans to merge the musical styles of Kylie and Rihanna for her upcoming album, in a way that can tenuously be described as wanting an orgy.

Li-Lo – as only the coolest of kids are calling her – is determined to pursue her music career, according to The Daily Telegraph (of Australia). Talking about her upcoming album, she said:

I want it to be dance, I want it to be kind of Kylie Minogue meets Rihanna. I hope to tour with it and I hope to really promote it. I’ve already done three songs. I’m doing my third in New York, actually.

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Are Jennifer Aniston And Orlando Bloom Sexing?

by Paul Sorrenti

Are Jennifer Aniston And Orlando Bloom Sexing?There was a time when Jennifer Aniston could have had the pick of any man she wanted. And so, naturally, she picked Brad Pitt.

Her TV show Friends was the greatest show of all time, The Rembrandts were the greatest band of all time, her man was without doubt the sexiest man of all time, and she too was the single most desired female in the human race, second only to a feisty young computer simulation called Lara – but what did Jennifer care about her?

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Christina Aguilera Has Infuriatingly Loud Sex

by Stuart Heritage

Christina Aguilera might be beautiful no matter what they say, but that doesn’t give her the right to splash around her pool making sex noises like a mortally wounded buffalo.

Because that’s what she does you know. Christina Aguilera’s neighbour said so.

Apparently Christina Aguilera and her husband enjoy nothing more than frolicking around naked in their pool, screaming and swearing and ‘making sexy noises’ much to the annoyance of the elderly people they live near. Nobody seems sure exactly what these sexy noises of Christina Aguilera’s are, but we’re willing to bet they don’t involve her singing anything because, face it, that’s about as sexy as listening to a walrus being kicked to death by an alcoholic.

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Ashley Cole Can’t Put That Anywhere Near Cheryl Cole For 6 Months

by Stuart Heritage

Ashley Cole is about to pay the heaviest price for his infidelities so far – his skinny wife is banning him from having it off with her.

Just because Cheryl Cole has taken Ashley Cole back after his constant cheating, it doesn’t mean that she’s a complete pushover – she’s apparently slapped him with a six-month sex ban.

Genius. It’s obvious that if you stop having sex with a man who has a known history of shagging other women, he definitely won’t go out and shag the first fake-tanned slapper he sees in the first pikey nightclub he goes to. That’s a flipping certainty. Someone should give Cheryl Cole a medal.

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Cheryl Cole Does A Runner From Ashley

by Stuart Heritage

You have to this for Cheryl Cole – at least she’s got her dignity.

Sure, Cheryl may have stuck with Ashley Cole even though she knew he was cheating on her with a bunch of women, and only decided to leave him because she was embarrassed that the papers eventually found out, but apart from that Cheryl Cole’s still got her dignity. And she once sang a song called Racey Lacey, but apart from that Cheryl’s got dignity coming out of her wazoo.

Cheryl Cole’s left Ashley Cole by the way. We think that was our original point.

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