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celebrity sex

Wait, David Duchovny’s Sex Addiction Actually Involves Having Sex!?

by Stuart Heritage

We’re confused – apparently David Duchovny isn’t addicted to sex, he’s addicted to abusing his man-baton in front of some flickering internet totty.

We’re confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn’t make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and amangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh?

Apparently not, because what we’re starting to hear now is that David Duchovny’s sex addiction isn’t just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren’t even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back – DavidDuchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!

We're confused - apparently David Duchovny isn't addicted to sex, he's addicted to abusing his man-baton in front of some flickering internet totty. We're confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn't make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and amangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh? Apparently not, because what we're starting to hear now is that David Duchovny's sex addiction isn't just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren't even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back - DavidDuchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!
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David Duchovny Might As Well Face It, He’s Addicted To Fanny

by Stuart Heritage

David Duchovny might have pooed away his movie career making that lousy X Files movie, but you know what? At least he’s got his dignity.

Yes, say what you like about David Duchovny, but you can’t fault the flawlessly dignified way that he overcomes life’s obstacles. As an example, the statement that David Duchovny released yesterday claiming that he’s a long-term sex addict and that he’s seeking treatment in rehab for it was as noble and elegant and, yes, dignified as you could ever ask for.

Also – David Duchovny’s a sex addict? Hahahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahaha haha ahaha hahahaha ahaha haaaa! What a tit.

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Paris Hilton Makes a New Video. One That Doesn’t Involve Sex.

by Ian Dransfield

Okay, so maybe we’re just reacting to Paris Hilton’s new advert as many of our readers react to the sarcasm on these pages – by taking things at face value. But it would appear that Paris Hilton is indeed running for the presidency of the United States of America. In a video statement released to [...]

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Katie Price Maintains Her Classy, Unblemished Image

by Matthew Laidlow

When Americans think of ‘classiness’, they pretty much think of Britain’s beloved Royal family. Granted they don’t actually do much apart from shoot peasants, laugh at the poor and eat huge slices of swan pie stuffed with £50 notes, but that doesn’t matter.

Sadly the illusion that the general British public speak like the Queen are usually shattered. Enter a typical London market place and instead of hearing “would you like some apples”, you’ll get “earrrrrrrrrrrrrr youuuuuuuu. Wanna buy sommmmmmme aaaaapples to gooooooo wiv da stairs?”

Tourists will also be shocked by the amount of people pissing in the street, vomiting into hats and having sex in cars. Just ask Katie Price and her schizophrenic alter-ego Jordan how it feels. It happened to her the other day with her plasticine lover Peter Andre.

When Americans think of 'classiness', they pretty much think of Britain’s beloved Royal family. Granted they don’t actually do much apart from shoot peasants, laugh at the poor and eat huge slices of swan pie stuffed with £50 notes, but that doesn’t matter. Sadly the illusion that the general British public speak like the Queen are usually shattered. Enter a typical London market place and instead of hearing “would you like some apples”, you’ll get “earrrrrrrrrrrrrr youuuuuuuu. Wanna buy sommmmmmme aaaaapples to gooooooo wiv da stairs?” Tourists will also be shocked by the amount of people pissing in the street, vomiting into hats and having sex in cars. Just ask Katie Price and her schizophrenic alter-ego Jordan how it feels. It happened to her the other day with her plasticine lover Peter Andre.
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R Kelly Trial: Is It R In Video? Is The Girl Who She Says She Is? Who Am I?!

by Ian Dransfield

It’s an age-old defence and one that many, many people have relied on throughout the ages to help them avoid being shouted at, dumped, ignored or sent to prison on alleged charges of having sex with an underage girl and filming it: “It wasn’t me.” Even Shaggy relied on it at one point, though the [...]

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Lindsay Lohan’s Toilet Love With Bobby Brown’s Son

by Paul Sorrenti

Bobby Brown’s son (but not Whitney’s) Brandon Brown, has revealed that he was once seduced by Lindsay Lohan in a bathroom or, as the English would more fittingly put it, in a bog.

It’s a typical (Bobby Brown-like) boy meets (Lindsay Lohan-like) girl story:

They meet at a party. They both think ‘ooh, he/she’s fit’. Boy goes to the toilet for a piss. Girl, perhaps aroused by the potential to orgasm whilst simultaneously inhaling the fumes of a conglomeration of random men’s stale urine, follows him in. They have sex. They are now primed to have their first conversation:

Lindsay: Pass us some tissue. Cheers. So, what’s your name and what do you do?

Brandon: My name’s Brandon. My official job title is ‘son’. And you?

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Chris Rock Is A ‘Statutory Rapist’, claims TV show. Only Joking!

by Paul Sorrenti

Chris Rock, until recently widely regarded as the funniest man in the English speaking world (as recent as Friday, in fact) has, all of a sudden, lost his sense of humour entirely.

Chris, currently touring his ‘No apologies’ show around South Africa, was the butt of a US reality TV show prank – one of the funniest pranks in the history of pranks, FYI.

You ask: what was said prank? Well, hehe, get this! God, we’re laughing just typing it down! Right, this TV show (which no one seems to know the name of) made accusations that Chris Rock has, wait for it… had sex with an underage British girl – when he hasn’t! Ahahahahahaha!

Genius! And yet, for some reason, Chris Rock didn’t find being accused of statuatory rape funny in the slightest. The bloody square.

Chris Rock, until recently widely regarded as the funniest man in the English speaking world (as recent as Friday, in fact) has, all of a sudden, lost his sense of humour entirely. Chris, currently touring his ‘No apologies’ show around South Africa, was the butt of a US reality TV show prank - one of the funniest pranks in the history of pranks, FYI. You ask: what was said prank? Well, hehe, get this! God, we’re laughing just typing it down! Right, this TV show (which no one seems to know the name of) made accusations that Chris Rock has, wait for it… had sex with an underage British girl - when he hasn’t! Ahahahahahaha! Genius! And yet, for some reason, Chris Rock didn’t find being accused of statuatory rape funny in the slightest. The bloody square.
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Big Brother Betting Odds: Sex In The Big Brother House?

by Stuart Heritage

You can’t hide from it any longer – Big Brother starts tomorrow. Lucky us, huh? Lucky, lucky us.

Come Friday morning we’ll have a comprehensive rundown on exactly why the new Big Brother housemates all deserve to be drowned in a bucket of their own piss, but before then we’ve got a handful of Big Brother special betting odds to get through. And, although you’ll deny it, this is the one you really want to come true. Perverts.

Here are the Big Brother betting odds for sex to happen in the Big Brother house this year, with help from Paddy Power…

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Amy Winehouse: Now There’s Another Amybanger

by Stuart Heritage

We’ll say this about Amy Winehouse – sure, she might look as if she’s woefully incapacitated by heavy drug use, but she sure can put it around.

After reports emerged that she’s been cheating on incarcerated husband Blake Fielder-Civil with a dull-looking boy and a lank-haired photographer, now it’s claimed that Amy Winehouse has also been secretly sleeping with one of Babyshambles as well.

Don’t worry, though – the good news is that Amy’s new lover isn’t Pete Doherty, sparing us all a mental image so profoundly upsetting that it’d put us off all human contact ever again. But the bad news is that it’s Mik Whitnall, the member of Babyshambles who most closely resembles Bez’s grandfather after three straight months of 24-style interro-torture.

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Amy Winehouse Also Did It With A Snapper, Apparently

by Stuart Heritage

Hey, are you sick of being forced to think of Amy Winehouse’s grisly genitals in action yet? Yeah, us too.

But come on. Take a deep breath, hunker down for the next couple of minutes and we’ll all get through this together. It might take some strength of mind and a couple of months of group counselling afterwards, but we’ll be OK. Ready?

Good. Amy Winehouse has apparently been – urg – having sex. With someone who isn’t her husband or that new bloke she’s been dragging around lately. Amy Winehouse has apparently been having sex with – gleurgh – a long-haired American photographer. And it’s all the fault of – huuurrrgh – Kelly Osbourne. If you need us we’ll be puking and crying at the same time in the corner.

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