Articles tagged with: celebrity sex
Maureen McCormick: Here’s The Story Of A Spazzed-Out Druggie
Looking back, the world fell in love with Marcia Brady because of her adorable hollow eyes and her wholesome trembling hyperactive paranoia. That's the reason why everyone's favourite episodes of The Brady Bunch is the one where Marcia Brady plumbs the squalid depths of addiction thanks to her years growing up in an abusive family, trading sex for drugs and being forced to deal with unwanted pregnancies. And that episode where Marcia Brady gets hammered on Quaaludes in Sammy Davis Jr's house? Oh Marcia Marcia Marcia. Wait, they're not episodes of The Brady Bunch at all - they're excerpts from Maureen McCormick's new book, Here's The Story: Surviving Marcia Brady And Finding My True Voice. You might think that Maureen McCormick has reached a new pitiful low by detailing her battles with depression and drug addiction in a book for cash, but you're wrong - she's nowhere near the pitiful low benchmark set by her participation in A Very Brady Christmas.
Looking back, the world fell in love with Marcia Brady because of her adorable hollow eyes and her wholesome trembling hyperactive paranoia. That's the reason why everyone's favourite episodes of The Brady Bunch is the one where Marcia Brady plumbs the squalid depths of addiction thanks to her years growing up in an abusive family, trading sex for drugs and being forced to deal with unwanted pregnancies. And that episode where Marcia Brady gets hammered on Quaaludes in Sammy Davis Jr's house? Oh Marcia Marcia Marcia. Wait, they're not episodes of The Brady Bunch at all - they're excerpts from Maureen McCormick's new book, Here's The Story: Surviving Marcia Brady And Finding My True Voice. You might think that Maureen McCormick has reached a new pitiful low by detailing her battles with depression and drug addiction in a book for cash, but you're wrong - she's nowhere near the pitiful low benchmark set by her participation in A Very Brady Christmas.
Huzzah! David Duchovny Isn’t Addicted To The Sex Any More!
The world was dangerous back when David Duchovny was a sex addict - you couldn't walk the streets for fear of Duchovny trying to jam his tongue in your ear. But relax, because now comes the news we've all been waiting for - David Duchovny has been cured of his sex addiction! According to a statement released yesterday, David Duchovny has left his sex addict rehab and is back functioning in society as a normal human being with a depressingly watery libido. It still hasn't been made clear what form David Duchovny's sex addiction treatment took, but we hear that he's had an implant fitted inside him that, whenever he feels a slight sensation of arousal, causes one of his testicles to inflate to the size of a bus, glow bright red and play I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd at ear-splitting volume. So he won't be going to the swimming pool on Senior Aquarobics afternoon any time in a hurry, that's for sure.
The world was dangerous back when David Duchovny was a sex addict - you couldn't walk the streets for fear of Duchovny trying to jam his tongue in your ear. But relax, because now comes the news we've all been waiting for - David Duchovny has been cured of his sex addiction! According to a statement released yesterday, David Duchovny has left his sex addict rehab and is back functioning in society as a normal human being with a depressingly watery libido. It still hasn't been made clear what form David Duchovny's sex addiction treatment took, but we hear that he's had an implant fitted inside him that, whenever he feels a slight sensation of arousal, causes one of his testicles to inflate to the size of a bus, glow bright red and play I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd at ear-splitting volume. So he won't be going to the swimming pool on Senior Aquarobics afternoon any time in a hurry, that's for sure.
Wait, David Duchovny’s Sex Addiction Actually Involves Having Sex!?
We're confused - apparently David Duchovny isn't addicted to sex, he's addicted to abusing his man-baton in front of some flickering internet totty. We're confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn't make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and a mangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh? Apparently not, because what we're starting to hear now is that David Duchovny's sex addiction isn't just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren't even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back - David Duchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!
We're confused - apparently David Duchovny isn't addicted to sex, he's addicted to abusing his man-baton in front of some flickering internet totty. We're confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn't make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and a mangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh? Apparently not, because what we're starting to hear now is that David Duchovny's sex addiction isn't just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren't even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back - David Duchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!
David Duchovny Might As Well Face It, He’s Addicted To Fanny
David Duchovny might have pooed away his movie career making that lousy X Files movie, but you know what? At least he's got his dignity. Yes, say what you like about David Duchovny, but you can't fault the flawlessly dignified way that he overcomes life's obstacles. As an example, the statement that David Duchovny released yesterday claiming that he's a long-term sex addict and that he's seeking treatment in rehab for it was as noble and elegant and, yes, dignified as you could ever ask for. Also - David Duchovny's a sex addict? Hahahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahaha haha ahaha hahahaha ahaha haaaa! What a tit.
David Duchovny might have pooed away his movie career making that lousy X Files movie, but you know what? At least he's got his dignity. Yes, say what you like about David Duchovny, but you can't fault the flawlessly dignified way that he overcomes life's obstacles. As an example, the statement that David Duchovny released yesterday claiming that he's a long-term sex addict and that he's seeking treatment in rehab for it was as noble and elegant and, yes, dignified as you could ever ask for. Also - David Duchovny's a sex addict? Hahahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahaha haha ahaha hahahaha ahaha haaaa! What a tit.
Paris Hilton Makes a New Video. One That Doesn’t Involve Sex.
Okay, so maybe we're just reacting to Paris Hilton's new advert as many of our readers react to the sarcasm on these pages - by taking things at face value. But it would appear that Paris Hilton is indeed running for the presidency of the United States of America. In a video statement released to political hardline site Funny or Die, Hilton responded to the recent campaign ad from John McCain and the Republican party with her own brand of politics. In the original ad, Paris was likened to Democratic Senator Barack Obama - popular, but ultimately vacuous and easily forgotten (or maybe it was the other way round). It would seem that young miss Hilton didn't take too kindly to these words and has launched something of a war on the Republican Party, vowing to bring them down if it's the last thing she does. Okay, so maybe we're going a bit overboard - even told a couple of porkie pies. She isn't trying to bring down the Republican Party. She isn't actually running for presidency. And Funny or Die isn't technically a political hardline site. But she has been involved in a video response, so it's not all bad news laced with lies.
Okay, so maybe we're just reacting to Paris Hilton's new advert as many of our readers react to the sarcasm on these pages - by taking things at face value. But it would appear that Paris Hilton is indeed running for the presidency of the United States of America. In a video statement released to political hardline site Funny or Die, Hilton responded to the recent campaign ad from John McCain and the Republican party with her own brand of politics. In the original ad, Paris was likened to Democratic Senator Barack Obama - popular, but ultimately vacuous and easily forgotten (or maybe it was the other way round). It would seem that young miss Hilton didn't take too kindly to these words and has launched something of a war on the Republican Party, vowing to bring them down if it's the last thing she does. Okay, so maybe we're going a bit overboard - even told a couple of porkie pies. She isn't trying to bring down the Republican Party. She isn't actually running for presidency. And Funny or Die isn't technically a political hardline site. But she has been involved in a video response, so it's not all bad news laced with lies.
Katie Price Maintains Her Classy, Unblemished Image
When Americans think of 'classiness', they pretty much think of Britain's beloved Royal family. Granted they don't actually do much apart from shoot peasants, laugh at the poor and eat huge slices of swan pie stuffed with £50 notes, but that doesn't matter. Sadly the illusion that the general British public speak like the Queen are usually shattered. Enter a typical London market place and instead of hearing "would you like some apples?" you'll get "Eearrrrrrrrrrrrrr youuuuuuuu. Wanna buy sommmmmmme aaaaapples to gooooooo wiv da stairs?" Tourists will also be shocked by the amount of people pissing in the street, vomiting into hats and having sex in cars. Just ask Katie Price and her schizophrenic alter-ego Jordan how it feels. It happened to her the other day with her plasticine lover Peter Andre.
When Americans think of 'classiness', they pretty much think of Britain's beloved Royal family. Granted they don't actually do much apart from shoot peasants, laugh at the poor and eat huge slices of swan pie stuffed with £50 notes, but that doesn't matter. Sadly the illusion that the general British public speak like the Queen are usually shattered. Enter a typical London market place and instead of hearing "would you like some apples?" you'll get "Eearrrrrrrrrrrrrr youuuuuuuu. Wanna buy sommmmmmme aaaaapples to gooooooo wiv da stairs?" Tourists will also be shocked by the amount of people pissing in the street, vomiting into hats and having sex in cars. Just ask Katie Price and her schizophrenic alter-ego Jordan how it feels. It happened to her the other day with her plasticine lover Peter Andre.
R Kelly Trial: Is It R In Video? Is The Girl Who She Says She Is? Who Am I?!
It's an age-old defence and one that many, many people have relied on throughout the ages to help them avoid being shouted at, dumped, ignored or sent to prison on alleged charges of having sex with an underage girl and filming it: "It wasn't me." Even Shaggy relied on it at one point, though the dolt did ruin the get-out clause for the rest of us by making it public knowledge. Now, as fate would have it and as the mole/artifact argument would have us believe, the man in the video being examined in the R Kelly child sex trial isn't actually R himself. It is, as the defence have stated, a lookalike.
It's an age-old defence and one that many, many people have relied on throughout the ages to help them avoid being shouted at, dumped, ignored or sent to prison on alleged charges of having sex with an underage girl and filming it: "It wasn't me." Even Shaggy relied on it at one point, though the dolt did ruin the get-out clause for the rest of us by making it public knowledge. Now, as fate would have it and as the mole/artifact argument would have us believe, the man in the video being examined in the R Kelly child sex trial isn't actually R himself. It is, as the defence have stated, a lookalike.
Lindsay Lohan’s Toilet Love With Bobby Brown’s Son
Bobby Brown’s son Brandon Brown has revealed he was once seduced by Lindsay Lohan in a bathroom. It’s a typical (Bobby Brown-like) boy meets (Lindsay Lohan-like) girl story: They meet at a party. They both think ‘ooh, he/she’s fit’. Boy goes to the toilet for a piss. Girl, perhaps aroused by the potential to orgasm while simultaneously inhaling men’s stale urine, follows him in. They have sex. They are now primed to have their first conversation: Lindsay: Pass us some tissue. Cheers. So, what's your name and what do you do? Brandon: My name's Brandon. My official job title is 'son'. And you?
Bobby Brown’s son Brandon Brown has revealed he was once seduced by Lindsay Lohan in a bathroom. It’s a typical (Bobby Brown-like) boy meets (Lindsay Lohan-like) girl story: They meet at a party. They both think ‘ooh, he/she’s fit’. Boy goes to the toilet for a piss. Girl, perhaps aroused by the potential to orgasm while simultaneously inhaling men’s stale urine, follows him in. They have sex. They are now primed to have their first conversation: Lindsay: Pass us some tissue. Cheers. So, what's your name and what do you do? Brandon: My name's Brandon. My official job title is 'son'. And you?
