Everyone can relate to Roman Polanski – really, who hasn’t admitted to a sexual encounter with an underage girl then spent 30 years on the lam in France?

And it’s this completely universal nature of Roman Polanski’s story that’s won him so many  supporters. The trouble is, none of them work at the LA Superior Court.

The court says that it’ll consider dropping dropping Roman Polanski’s charges, but only if he appears there in person first. And Polanski thinks it’s all just a big set-up to arrest him. Wow, who knew that alleged child-rape could be so exciting?

It’s been three decades since acclaimed film director – and owner of the world’s rubbishest life – Roman Polanski hot-footed it to France to avoid being sentenced for a sexual encounter with a 13-year-old girl that he’d previously admitted to.

And surely that’s punishment enough. Spend 30 years in jail and what’s the worst that you’ll have to suffer? An occasional bumming? The constant threat of stabbing? Compare that to what Roman Polanski’s been through in France – 30 years of exposure to creperies, accordion music and an almost galactic level of feminine armpit hair. Doesn’t the man deserve any human rights?

And that’s why Roman Polanski has decided that he wants the charges against him dropped. There’s apparently enough evidence to suggest unlawful conduct on the part of the deputy district attorney at the time, plus the woman who Roman Polanski allegedly had sex with thinks the charges should be dropped. Plus she’s in her forties and he’s 75 now, so it doesn’t seem that creepy any more. Well it does, but in a different and more legal way.

However, there’s one stumbling block between Roman Polanski living in exile in France and Roman Polanski living the life of a free man in America who has to stay indoors all the time because of the angry mob pelting eggs at his windows and screaming “BURN THE RAPIST WITH THE FUNNY VOICE!” at him – and that’s the LA Superior Court.

The court reasons that if it’s going to drop Roman Polanski’s charges, Polanski should at least appear there in person beforehand to explain why. And the trouble is that Roman Polanski thinks it’s all a cunning ruse and he’ll be arrested as soon as he lands in America to make his argument. Which is why Polanski’s lawyer Chad Hummel wants a judge from somewhere other than LA to hear the case, as AP reports:

In a motion filed Monday, attorney Chad Hummel sought removal of Polanski’s case to the California Judicial Council for resolution. He claims that statements by a court spokesman since the original motion was filed showed that the courts have prejudged at least one issue – whether Polanski must appear in court on Jan. 21 for his request to be considered. Such an appearance might make him subject to arrest.

If Roman Polanski’s demands are not met, he’s going to face a tricky decision – does he take the court at its word and go to LA despite the possibility of his arrest, or does he remain an exile in France?

It’s not a choice we’d take lightly, but we’re pretty sure that Roman Polanski will ultimately return to America, because it’s only there that he stands a chance of making the movie that everyone will remember him for – Big Momma’s House 3: Momma’s Inna Kitchen.

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There’s a fine line between ‘morally-pure girl next door’ and ‘wizened, bad-toothed embittered old spinster’, and Hilary Duff knows that only too well.

Hilary Duff is now 21 years old – old enough to get hammered on booze, old enough to drive a tractor and, if only she wasn’t a female, old enough to vote. She’s also old enough to have sex, although she’s jiggered if she’s going to tell you if she actually does or not.

You see, Hilary Duff hasn’t admitted that she’s still a virgin. And she hasn’t admitted that she’s not. But she has claimed that she didn’t say she was. The dirty moo.

If we were Hilary Duff, we’d be playing catch-up like nobody’s business at the moment. Her old peers have long since deserted her – Lindsay Lohan to get arrested and go to rehab and end up trudging around as a sort of bored-looking domesticated would-be lesbian, and the Olsen Twins to have it off with one-balled sportsmen and own buildings where famous actors can go to die naked – and she’s been left behind a little bit.

While other turn-of-the-century childstars delight in going out without any knickers on, Hilary Duff still seems like the sort of girl who wouldn’t go out unless she was wearing 14 pairs of knickers, at least three of which must be made of impenetrable lead chainmail, and a large pair of Victorian-era bloomers.

And there’s nothing wrong with preserving your purity like that, so long as you’re still pitching yourself at a market that appreciates that kind of sentiment, like Twilight-watching tweens or staunchly religious puritans. But Hilary Duff has decided that she needs to aim squarely at the mass market with her new Best Of album, so she’s decided to sex herself up a bit.

How? Will Hilary Duff get naked in a pop video like Britney Spears? Will she release a sexually explicit book like Madonna? Will she have full sex with a man on a video like Kim Karadshian? No, not quite.

But what Hilary Duff will do is deny that she claimed she was a virgin two years ago. We know – steady yourselves, boys. According to the San Francisco Chronicle:

In a 2006 interview with Elle magazine, the former Disney star touted her squeaky-clean image, insisting she hadn’t yet had sex. But she now denies every making the claim, telling Maxim magazine: “You know what? I was quoted saying I was a virgin, but I absolutely did not say that. That’s nobody’s business but my own. Somehow it turned into a bad thing!”

Hilary Duff is right, of course – it is nobody’s business but her own. And, you know, the legions of permanently-aroused teenage Maxim readers who are all bound to wank themselves into a blistery tizzy at even the vaguest insinuation that Hilary Duff might not be a virgin. But that’s it. Just Hilary Duff and the wanking boys. And now you as well, since you just read it here, we suppose. But that’s it. It’s nobody else’s business. Probably.

So maybe we’ll never know if Hilary Duff has had sex or not. And that mystery is going to keep us absolutely rapt for at least the next ten seconds until we forget that Hilary Duff even exists again. Rapt.

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10 – Oh, so THIS is how you beat up women. Blimey…

9 – Amy Winehouse give someone a gift. Strangely enough, it wasn’t some form of disease – Holymoly

8 - Church Of Bacon. Oh, the internet. You really crack us up sometimes – Worshipbacon

7 - The most exciting Angelina Jolie news you will ever hear - Best Week Ever

6 - Christmas albums you really need to hear. Once - Chicagotribune

5 - Boy oh boy, people at Cracked get pissy if you ever steal their stuff – Cracked

4 – Tyra Banks talks about, oh, herself. How did you guess? – BuddyTV

3 – Which cartoon babe would you have sex with? None? Because you’re a normal human being? Oh – Kontraband

2 – Got some free time? Then why not find out how hopelessly inadequate you are compared to the rest of the world when it comes to sex? – Sexhealthguru

1 - Well well, look which modern-day folk devil has embraced Twitter – Twitter via this person

Roman Polanski is a modern-day superhero – he can direct films quite well and also he’s great at having sex with children.

Or, possibly, not having sex with children. Although he’s been on the lam since fleeing America in 1978 after pleading guilty to having sex with a 13-year-old girl, Roman Polanski has now decided to ask a Los Angeles court to dismiss his charges.

Let’s hope Roman Polanski gets his dismissal, because then he’ll stop being an exiled genius and become what he’s always dreamed of – a director in America who can’t get work because everyone thinks he’s so flipping creepy.

Depending on how many turtleneck sweaters you own, you either think that Roman Polanski is famous because he’s directed iconic movies like Chinatown, The Pianist and Rosemary’s Baby or because he allegedly had it off with a kid in the 1970s and then legged it out of America before anyone could do anything about it.

But if you believe the latter, then Roman Polanski has news for you – he didn’t have sex with 13-year-old girl who he pleaded guilty to having sex with in 1975. Or he did, but he’s worked out that the girl is well into her 40s now so it isn’t that illegal any more. Or something. Anyway, Roman Polanski wants his charges dismissed, as Reuters reports:

The film director’s lawyers said they had new evidence, sparked by a documentary film earlier this year, that revealed “judicial and prosecutorial misconduct … so distorted the legal process that the interests of justice can only be served with complete dismissal of the case.”

Perhaps some background information would be helpful here. In 1977 Roman Polanski was asked to guest-edit French Vogue which, it’s alleged, he decided to do by first taking photos of 13-year-old Samantha Geimer drinking champagne, and then allegedly raping her on drugs. In the ensuing court case, Roman Polanski agreed a plea deal whereby the rape would be downgraded to unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor. And then he buggered off to France before sentencing, and has been a kind of fugitive in Europe ever since.

But now, based on findings from the documentary Roman Polanski: Wanted And Desired, Roman Polanski thinks that it’s time the charges were dropped so that he can return to America and be embraced by the artistic community once again. After all, an acquittal in a case involving sex and children doesn’t hurt your reputation at all. Just look at Michael Jackson. He’s um… ooh, bad example.

But still, regardless of whether or not he committed the crime that he pleaded guilty to three decades ago, there’s no doubt that Roman Polanski has served an unbelievably harsh punishment in the interim. The man had a cameo in Rush Hour 3, for crying out loud. Murderers get less than that.

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Now, when you’re Mariah Carey it’s important that you have the right image – and that image is of a massive, slightly chavvy, slag.

That’s why Mariah Carey only makes music videos that feature her wriggling around in a bra or splashing about in a bikini in slow motion, and it’s also why Mariah Carey only releases songs called Touch My Body or Squeeze My Knockers or Stare Up My Bumhole. Appearing to be constantly sexually available is Mariah Carey’s one promotional cornerstone.

And that explains Mariah Carey’s alleged rage at husband Nick Cannon for telling the world that Mariah enforced a strict ‘no sex before marriage’ policy upon meeting him. Mariah Carey not instantly thwapping it all on a plate? That’s the kind of loose talk that destroys careers! Luckily Mariah Carey is a pro, so she’s fixed the problem herself by heavily implying that she sucked Nick off a bunch of times before the wedding. No joke.

Mariah Carey’s genitals have been in the news to a terrifying degree lately, haven’t they? As well as being the insinuated focus of every song she’s recorded in the last five years, we’ve also had to put up with all kinds of talk about their role in aiding the pregnancy that Mariah Carey gets so jittery talking about.

But that’s not all, not by a long margin. You see, Mariah Carey’s husband Nick Cannon has also been recruited into this rolling vaginal news cycle, which is why he recently told anyone who’d listen that Mariah Carey wouldn’t have sex with him from the day they met until the day they were married. Which, by our calculations, works out at slightly less than two days.

Oh, that’s not true. Actually it was two months. But anyway, by discussing their sex life so candidly, Nick Cannon broke the sacred bond of trust he had with Mariah Carey – the trust that silently implies to the world that Mariah Carey will have it away with anyone she likes, whenever she likes, while probably making a noise a bit like a dolphin on a rollercoaster.

It’s OK, though, because Mariah Carey knows exactly how to deal with situations like this – yes, she might have caved into peer pressure and had a two-month stretch of vague chastity, but that doesn’t mean she couldn’t be a teensy bit slaggy. SFGate reports:

She says “Why did he tell that story? He just told people… I didn’t want him to let everybody know that but I never said anything about it; I didn’t say, ‘Don’t tell people’.” But Carey insists it’s not as if they were complete innocents in the run up to their fairytale wedding: “We were intimate but weren’t completely intimate in the biblical sense.”

An expert intervention, Mariah. We’ll admit that we were worried about you for a second there. But, no, by alluding to a possible blowjob or – at the very least – a grubby couple of tugs on your boyfriend’s little soldier, you have absolutely restored your dignity to its previous levels.

But still, at least now we can see why Nick Cannon got married to Mariah Carey so quickly – it was because she made him wait for sex. There’s a message there, girls – if you want a boy to marry you, withhold sex.

Oh, and be so incredibly rich and famous that he’ll propose before he even knows you properly, because he understands that you’ll buy him all the crap he could possibly ever wish for and then get piles of cash when he invariably divorces you after the first couple of years. That helps too, we hear.

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We already have plenty of things to blame Sarah Jessica Parker for – transvestites who only speak in puns to name one – but that’s not enough for her.

No, now Sarah Jessica Parker has been named as the reason why there are so many pregnant teenagers running around. She hasn’t been impregnating the teens directly – although we wouldn’t put it past her, the shifty-faced git – but she has been putting the idea into their heads. Probably.

A new report has shown that teenage girls are more than twice as likely to get pregnant if they watch a lot of TV shows that contain sexual content. We can see that the report has a point – as teenagers we watched a lot of All Creatures Great And Small, and to this day we can’t even look at a cow without running over and ramming a fist up its bottom until a baby cow comes out.

If you thought that the likes of Bristol Palin and Jamie Lynn Spears became pregnant purely because their parents are such hardline Christians that they thought something as sensible as sex education discussion would corrupt their minds, you’re wrong. It’s all television’s fault.

A report has been published that proves once and for all that teenagers only get pregnant because they’ve seen people having sex on TV and wanted to try it out themselves. It’s not just sex it works with, incidentally – when we were 13 we once got drunk and led the police on a destructive four-county high-speed car chase after watching an episode of Police Camera Action – but that’s what we’re concentrating on for now. Reuters reports:

“Our findings suggest that television may play a significant role in the high rates of teenage pregnancy in the United States,” said Anita Chandra, a behavioral scientist who led the research at RAND. “We’re not saying we’re establishing causation, but we are saying this is one factor that we were able to prospectively link to the teen pregnancy outcome,” Chandra said in a phone interview.

So it just goes to show that if a teenager watches sex on TV, they’ll rush out and get themselves pregnant right away. That goes for all TV shows, from The Tudors to Tell Me Love Me to that time Sawyer and Kate had it away in a bear cage during Lost.

However, Sex And The City is the one exception to this rule, because if any teenagers actually watch Sex And The City, they’re statistically guaranteed to grow up to become gay men. That’s just as well, really, because Miley Cyrus says her favourite show is Sex And The City, and she’s far too innocent to ever get up to anything as silly as underage sex. Right?

So let’s hope that the television industry cracks down on all this sexiness, because then horny teenagers will only have the internet for comfort, and at least that way they’ll only have the resources to become a very specific sort of sexual deviant. And we all know that you can’t get pregnant while you’re being kicked in the genitals by a cross-dressing midget in a gimp suit, don’t we? Problem solved.

He might be a sex addict, but remember that David Duchovny has feelings – well, not on his penis, we’re presuming that he wore all the nerve ending off that years ago.

But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn’t directed a movie since 2004′s House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it’s because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably.

Something else that hurts David Duchovny’s feelings is when people say he’s been having sex with people he hasn’t been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn’t put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it’d be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.

When it comes to David Duchovny, there are certain things that you can and can’t say about him. For instance, you can say that X-Files: I Want To Believe was such a disappointment that you’d be happy if he never worked again, or that his TV show Californication is so bad, largely because of his own doughy face, that just thinking of the word ‘Californication’ makes you want to pull your jaw out and smash it into your eyes now.

You can even say that – as a self-confessed sex addict – it seems as though David Duchovny is just a big greedy child who lacks the basic self-control to respect his wife, whether it’s by having sex with other women or just hammering his sweaty little mushroom into a stump in front of the internet until his lap ends up looking like like a large and unusually hairy glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut. We’re pretty sure you can say that.

But what you can’t say is that David Duchovny had an affair with his tennis coach Edit Pakay. The Daily Mail said that earlier this week, and now David Duchovny’s suing it for a million dollars. Fox News reports:

Duchovny filed a lawsuit in the Los Angeles Superior Court on Wednesday for defamation and invasion of privacy against The Daily Mail, seeking no less than $1 million in damages. On October 18 the well-known tabloid claimed that the “Californication” star was having a “full-blown sexual affair” with his tennis teacher Edit Pakey and that he had planned to leave his wife of 11 years to be with her.

Because David Duchovny apparently wasn’t having an affair with his tennis coach – who incidentally, it’s claimed, wasn’t even his tennis coach – the report caused him ‘substantial harm’. A million dollars’ worth of harm, in fact.

For what it’s worth, we haven’t had sex with any tennis instructors recently either, so if there are any newspapers that would like to pay us a million dollars for that as well, we’d appreciate that. Just so everyone knows.

David Duchovny’s two big loves are tennis and squalid joyless sex with women who may as well just be watermelons with holes in them. Allegedly.

And, since David Duchovny is such a busy man, he’d leap at the chance to consolidate those two loves into one manageable love by having it off with his tennis instructor a lot, wouldn’t he? Well, apparently not – David Duchovny’s lawyer has denied reports that Duchovny had an affair with Edit Pakay, his tennis instructor.

True, David Duchovny still loves tennis and sex – but since his sex addiction treatment, the thought of meaningless sex with an athletic young woman fills him with repulsion. Now the only way that David Duchovny could combine tennis and sex is by hiring local street whores and challenging them to five-set matches, and that’s just impractical – we know from experience that those whores charge double for backhand lobs.

Tennis is sexy, isn’t it? All those short skirts, tight tops and orgasmic screams are a definite turn-on. In fact, tennis is so sexy to us that the only way we can perform these days is if there’s an elderly man in an excessively tall chair next to us loudly scoring our intercourse point by point. And a crowd of lonely housewifes occasionally shouting half-hearted encouragement at us. And we have to stop every time it rains. And a child has to run around collecting our stray balls.

But that’s just us. David Duchovny is not like that at all. Even though he used to be a sex addict, and would therefore hump a cactus if it was showing enough bra strap, David Duchovny has never linked sex and tennis. Especially now that he’s been cured of the sex addiction – now we assume that he’d rather launch a frenzied attack on his own genitals with a kitchen knife than actually let a semi-aroused thought cross his mind.

And that’s why David Duchovny has taken the unprecedented step of making his lawyer release a statement denying the current rumours that David Duchovny had a six-month affair with his tennis instructor Edit Pakay. People reports:

“The stories about an alleged affair between David Duchovny and his tennis instructor, Edit Pakay, are completely false. Ms. Pakay denied the rumors to me in person last Friday, saying they are just friends, and in addition, said in writing that such stories are ‘lies and deceit.”

We have no reason to assume that David Duchovny ever had an affair with his tennis instructor. Because, if we were David Duchovny’s tennis instructor, the last thing we’d do is let him shove his blistered, red-raw sweaty little acorn anywhere near our insides. That manky little man-flute could have been anywhere. Ugh.

So David Duchovny didn’t have an affair with his tennis instructor. That’s a shame – since David Duchovny and Tea Leoni have now split up, we’re sure it’d be nice for David to find some non-sexual companionship with a female sports instructor somewhere.

Maybe David Duchovny should take up curling. Seriously, we hear those people are slags.

Looking back, the world fell in love with Marcia Brady because of her adorable hollow eyes and her wholesome trembling hyperactive paranoia.

That’s the reason why everyone’s favourite episodes of The Brady Bunch is the one where Marcia Brady plumbs the squalid depths of addiction thanks to her years growing up in an abusive family, trading sex for drugs and being forced to deal with unwanted pregnancies. And that episode where Marcia Brady gets hammered on Quaaludes in Sammy Davis Jr‘s house? Oh Marcia Marcia Marcia.

Wait, they’re not episodes of The Brady Bunch at all – they’re excerpts from Maureen McCormick‘s new book, Here’s The Story: Surviving Marcia Brady And Finding My True Voice. You might think that Maureen McCormick has reached a new pitiful low by detailing her battles with depression and drug addiction in a book for cash, but you’re wrong – she’s nowhere near the pitiful low benchmark set by her participation in A Very Brady Christmas.

If we ever have children, the first thing we’re going to do is shove them into ill-fitting careers as childstars. Really, it’s the best thing for them. Admittedly they’ll grow up with a sort of low self-esteem Pavlovian conditioning that’ll equate attention with love, making them spiral off into the dark realms of joyless sex and drug addiction by their early teens. But they’ll thank us later when their careers dry up and they can get an easy second income by detailing what a shitty childhood they had in a series of books.

Honestly, everyone’s at it. Screech from Saved By The Bell has a book coming out, it can only be a matter of time before Gary Coleman releases a book called What’chu Talkin’ ‘Bout: Cries For Help From An Angry Midget and now Marcia Brady actress Maureen McCormick has had a go too.

Previously the two most exciting things to ever happen to anyone from The Brady Bunch were a) when Bobby lost control of his car in The Brady 500 and ended up paralysed from the waist down and b) when Florence Henderson lost her dog and got a bit sad about it.

But that’s nothing, because Maureen McCormick today publishes Here’s The Story: Surviving Marcia Brady And Finding My True Voice, her attempt to make all Brady Bunch fans so depressed and guilty by association that they end up losing all will to live. In the book, Maureen McCormick reveals fun little anecdotes about the time she developed a long-term addiction to cocaine and Quaaludes, the time she spent most of her adult life getting treated for depression, the times she debased herself by swapping sex for drugs and her hilarious unwanted pregnancy. E! Online has details:

“As a teenager, I had no idea that few people are everything they present to the outside world,” McCormick, now 52, writes in the book, excerpts of which were released today. “Yet there I was, hiding the reality of my life behind the unreal perfection of Marcia Brady. No one suspected the fear that gnawed at me even as I lent my voice to the chorus of Bradys singing ‘It’s a Sunshine Day.’”

Well that’s Christmas sorted, then. Everyone we know is getting a copy of Maureen McCormick’s book. That way, by Boxing Day teatime, everyone will be so inert and desolate that they won’t notice that we’ve eaten all the sausage rolls and have stolen their Xboxes. Result.

Let’s hope that Maureen McCormick’s book acts as a valuable warning to the new generation of tween stars rising up in America at the moment. The lesson it teaches is plain to see – make sure you do as many drugs and have as much meaningless sex as possible right now, otherwise you’ll never get that publishing deal in 30 years’ time.

The world was dangerous back when David Duchovny was a sex addict – you couldn’t walk the streets for fear of Duchovny trying to jam his tongue in your ear.

But relax, because now comes the news we’ve all been waiting for – David Duchovny has been cured of his sex addiction! According to a statement released yesterday, David Duchovny has left his sex addict rehab and is back functioning in society as a normal human being with a depressingly watery libido.

It still hasn’t been made clear what form David Duchovny’s sex addiction treatment took, but we hear that he’s had an implant fitted inside him that, whenever he feels a slight sensation of arousal, causes one of his testicles to inflate to the size of a bus, glow bright red and play I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd at ear-splitting volume. So he won’t be going to the swimming pool on Senior Aquarobics afternoon any time in a hurry, that’s for sure.

It’s easy to mock David Duchovny for his sex addiction, but that’s only because we don’t know the pain that a sex addiction can cause. Imagine it – a constant string of guilt-free casual sex with hundreds of willing young girls hypnotised by your fame and wealth. God, that sounds bloody terrible. If that was us we’d probably shoot our own face off.

And this living nightmare is precisely why David Duchovny sought treatment for his sex addiction. Well, that or because his wife either found him having sex with another woman or slapping his little acorn until it blistered to a fanny-coloured pixel-orgy on the internet.

Whatever the cause, David Duchovny has essentially given the world a mental image of his bright-red screwed-up face bearing down a couple of inches away from a girl’s face while his bottom pumps away at her like a horrible slappy flesh machine, and for that he owes us all a heavy debt.

But that’s all in the past. The old sweaty-nippled cock monster David Duchovny, the one who couldn’t pass a girl in the street without hammering his foot on the ground until steam came out of his ears, has been replaced by a new David Duchovny – one who may as well be a monk or something. Reuters reports:

In a statement on Monday, [Duchovny's attorney] Stanton said Duchovny “has successfully completed rehabilitation. He is out and will very soon begin work on his new movie,” Stanton said. Stein declined to say where the actor had been treated or when he left the center.

Phew. This is certainly good news for everyone involved. Duchovny’s wife Tea Leoni has reigned in her husband’s worst excesses, David Duchovny’s future co-stars can go to work knowing that they’ll never have their concentration broken by the sight of a middle-aged man trying to hammer his erect penis through the letterbox in their trailer, and – best of all – David Duchovny gets to transfer his addictive personality onto something less harmful, like heroin or infanticide.

God knows where this leaves Californication, though. Surely starring in a TV show about a renowned sex addict will only hinder David Duchovny’s continued recovery. Maybe David should think about making a new show that better reflects his current situation – maybe, say, one about a frustrated writer who can’t walk down the street without everyone around him collapsing in fits of laughter because he can’t control his funny little todger.

We’re confused – apparently David Duchovny isn’t addicted to sex, he’s addicted to abusing his man-baton in front of some flickering internet totty.

We’re confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn’t make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and a mangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh?

Apparently not, because what we’re starting to hear now is that David Duchovny’s sex addiction isn’t just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren’t even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back – David Duchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!

As we’re sure you’re all aware, David Duchovny is a sex addict. Announcing his sex addiction was an incredibly brave thing for David Duchovny to do for all kinds of reasons. It put his commercial activities in peril for one, and it meant that he’d inevitably lose a slice of his already-thinning fanbase. But most of all, it was brave for David Duchovny to admit his sex addiction because, as everyone knows, the entire concept of sex addiction is one big fat smelly lie.

Nobody goes into rehab because they’re a sex addict. They go into rehab because their wife caught them with their winky up another woman and – because their brains don’t work fast enough for them to claim that the woman was injured and bleeding to death out of her chuff and the only way to stop the bleeding was to plug the wound with their erect penis – they say that they’re sex addicts and victims and boo hoo don’t leave me it’s a medically-recognised condition.

However, earlier this week it was claimed that David Duchovny hadn’t been bonking his way through a line of fame-hungry sluts with cripplingly low self-esteem at all. In fact, we were told, the only thing that David Duchovny was addicted to was wanking himself into a tizzy every time he got near a computer.

But now it looks like that might have been a lie as well, to cover up for the fact that – if you stand still for long enough – David Duchovny will inevitably sidle over and try to put his cock inside you.

The National Enquirer has made allegations that David Duchovny’s multiple infidelities were the cause of his admission into sex rehab, and MSNBC has the lowdown on it:

According to one Enquirer source, David cheated on wife Téa Leoni many times over the course of their marriage, and only admitted to the affairs after she grew suspicious and confronted him. “(David) said Téa gave him an ultimatum: Get treatment or our marriage is over,” an insider revealed. “She felt it was ruining their marriage and affecting their kids.”

Whether or not this report is true is anyone’s guess. But if it is true, then Tea Leoni has a point – a sex addiction would tend to ruin a marriage. Especially when it means going to meet your in-laws covered from head to toe in a thin coating of your own sperm.

Anyway, we hope for the sake of David Duchovny’s marriage that his sex addiction treatment is a success. But then we’re sure that spending 35 days trapped in a building with an assortment of patients who all suffer from the same intense compulsion to hump every single person they see is absolutely the right way to put an end to his condition.

David Duchovny might have pooed away his movie career making that lousy X Files movie, but you know what? At least he’s got his dignity.

Yes, say what you like about David Duchovny, but you can’t fault the flawlessly dignified way that he overcomes life’s obstacles. As an example, the statement that David Duchovny released yesterday claiming that he’s a long-term sex addict and that he’s seeking treatment in rehab for it was as noble and elegant and, yes, dignified as you could ever ask for.

Also – David Duchovny’s a sex addict? Hahahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahaha haha ahaha hahahaha ahaha haaaa! What a tit.

Addiction isn’t a funny thing. Countless lives over the years have been ravaged by a biological and cerebral enslavement to drugs, gambling, smoking and alcohol. No, an addiction is something that should never be treated with anything less than the utmost sensitivity.

Except for when David Duchovny suddenly decides that he’s got a sex addiction, in which case everyone’s allowed to take the piss out of the ridiculous randy old idiot and his uncontrollable todger.

You see, David Duchovny hasn’t got one of those normal sex addictions where you have sex a lot and enjoy it – he’s got one of those dreadful sex addictions where you have sex so much that you hate every single grotty second of it but remain compelled to keep having sex all the time even though it’s killing you on the inside.

Or he’s got one of those sex addictions where your wife catches you having it off with another woman and you have to pretend that it’s not your fault and you’re the real victim in all of this. We simply just don’t know, but it’s probably one of those two things.

Anyway, here’s how David Duchovny broke the shocking news of his absolutely genuine sex addiction -  which is a real thing that actually exists – to the world:

“I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction. I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”

Well since you asked so nicely David we’ll absolutely respect your privacy, you great big honking dirty-dicked, sweaty-balled minge-chasing, bum-sniffing pork swordsman pervert. Respect is the absolute least you deserve from us.

Fingers crossed that David Duchovny’s stint in rehab will be a brief one, and that he’ll be able to overcome his sex addiction with enough speed and grace to allow him to return to his loving family and his TV show Californication about a, oh, about a hopeless sex addict. Good luck with that, David. That doesn’t sound counterproductive in the slightest.

Still, at least we know why Billy Connolly‘s eyes were bleeding in the trailer for The X-Files 2. It’s probably because David Duchovny kept trying to put it up his bum.

Although obviously we don’t say say that with enough certainty to let anyone sue us for it. Just so we’re all clear.

Okay, so maybe we’re just reacting to Paris Hilton’s new advert as many of our readers react to the sarcasm on these pages – by taking things at face value.

But it would appear that Paris Hilton is indeed running for the presidency of the United States of America. In a video statement released to political hardline site Funny or Die, Hilton responded to the recent campaign ad from John McCain and the Republican party with her own brand of politics.

In the original ad, Paris was likened to Democratic Senator Barack Obama – popular, but ultimately vacuous and easily forgotten (or maybe it was the other way round). It would seem that young miss Hilton didn’t take too kindly to these words and has launched something of a war on the Republican Party, vowing to bring them down if it’s the last thing she does.

Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard – even told a couple of porkie pies. She isn’t trying to bring down the Republican Party. She isn’t actually running for presidency. And Funny or Die isn’t technically a political hardline site.

But she has been involved in a video response, so it’s not all bad news laced with lies.

The video, produced as a direct response to the Republican campaign advert, stars young Paris – and she’s hardly even naked at all, meaning we live in some bizarre world where she can manage to make something that both isn’t a sex tape and is funny. No, instead of committing lewd acts then releasing the video footage for profit, the Simple Life star simply lazes on a sun lounger and puts forth her views on today’s US politics.

Of course, her words come across as if they were completely, totally and utterly written by no one but Paris Hilton herself. No help involved here. No sireee, not with this mastermind at the helm. Definitely. We’d be willing to bet on that.

Alright, so we’re back to lying again.

Nevertheless, the video is quite funny and Paris doesn’t make herself into a complete tit throughout. Frankly, this is nothing short of a genuine miracle, when you take into account the above-mentioned fact that this isn’t even a sex tape. Paris’ credentials for the presidency aren’t that bad either – she is the perfect wife after all and she’s a genius, though she may run some of her voters over if she isn’t careful.

In all honesty though, we at hecklerspray are still waiting for the Britney Spears response to hit the web. Who knows – maybe a career in politics is just the kind of low-stress job Miss Spears needs, as soon as she’s free to roam again? And the combination of high profile work and actual responsibility could put her in good stead to get her kids back from that prat Kevin Federline. Hey – it’s just a thought.

Or maybe it’ll just get ignored and the whole event will be taken exactly as it’s ‘supposed’ to, with people watching, laughing and forgetting. Bah. Watch the video below:

When Americans think of ‘classiness’, they pretty much think of Britain’s beloved Royal family.

Granted they don’t actually do much apart from shoot peasants, laugh at the poor and eat huge slices of swan pie stuffed with £50 notes, but that doesn’t matter.

Sadly the illusion that the general British public speak like the Queen are usually shattered. Enter a typical London market place and instead of hearing “would you like some apples?” you’ll get “Eearrrrrrrrrrrrrr youuuuuuuu. Wanna buy sommmmmmme aaaaapples to gooooooo wiv da stairs?”

Tourists will also be shocked by the amount of people pissing in the street, vomiting into hats and having sex in cars. Just ask Katie Price and her schizophrenic alter-ego Jordan how it feels. It happened to her the other day with her plasticine lover Peter Andre.

Does it come as any surprise really that Jordan, a woman who used to get her knockers out for a living could do such a degrading act as shagging in public? To us, no, but to the army of teeny fans, maybe. Katie and Peter will probably make up some excuses, such as:

1 – Peter was just doing some push ups in the car because he knew he didn’t have time to go to the gym later.

2 – They both wanted to see how springy the seats were. If they tried really hard, they could smash through the roof!

3 – It’s a new fetish of theirs to penetrate each other in a vehicle. So far a deep sea fishing trawler, a combine harvester and Nazi warplane have been scratched off the list.

Whatever the case, Katie Price and Peter Andre were recently caught going at it in a car by some members of the public, who probably hoped for a bit of sly dogging action on the side. A rather flushed Katie Price said:

“We’d just parked up when I thought it’d be fun to climb into the back of our car for a bit. We have blacked-out windows so as far as I was concerned no one could see what we were up to.”

What’s next for Katie Price, then? After this latest drama, we expect a 157-page book complete with glossy photos to tell us all about this chapter of her life. We’ll get the version of events from her, Peter and her stupidly named children.

Time doesn’t stand still for Katie and no doubt they’ll be a follow-up to that book entitled Katie & Peter: When Car Loving Goes Bad by Christmas. This hardback 246-page book will tell us about how they can never enter a car again without feeling trapped, horrified and stared at.

We would have been more impressed if they’d been caught rogering each other on the back of a motorbike on the A69. With skills like that, they could end up on Britain’s Got Talent. Or a shit celebrity spin-off version that hasn’t been commissioned yet. George Sampson and Gin the dog couldn’t do that, could they? At least not together anyway.

It’s an age-old defence and one that many, many people have relied on throughout the ages to help them avoid being shouted at, dumped, ignored or sent to prison on alleged charges of having sex with an underage girl and filming it: “It wasn’t me.”

Even Shaggy relied on it at one point, though the dolt did ruin the get-out clause for the rest of us by making it public knowledge.

Now, as fate would have it and as the mole/artifact argument would have us believe, the man in the video being examined in the R Kelly child sex trial isn’t actually R himself. It is, as the defence have stated, a lookalike.

According to the defence, the man in the video must have had access to Kelly’s property and the video was edited to make it look as if Kelly himself was taking advantage of the underage girl.

Though they also claim that the girl in the video isn’t actually the one who claims to be the girl in the video, and is actually a different girl altogether. In the video.

This was ascertained by interviewing members of the original girl’s family, who all basically said ‘yeah, that’s not her’.

Still with us? We don’t blame you if you aren’t, seeing as apparently no one in the video is who they were originally claimed to be. Never mind ‘it wasn’t me’, apparently ‘it wasn’t anybody anyone knows, at all, ever, anywhere’. It’s certainly a bold defence, that much is for certain. As MTV reported:

The lawyers suggested that the man is a look-alike who lacks a large mole on his back that Kelly has, arguing that a mark on the man’s back comes and goes during the tape. However, they provided no leads on this man’s identity and admitted that he must have had access to R Kelly’s house.

The music-site-cum-ultimate-news-source went on:

The defence countered the statements from relatives of the girl on the tape by finding other relatives who testified to say that it wasn’t her, this helped their argument by spreading confusion.

You’re bloody well right it spread confusion. Now we don’t know who to believe, or what to believe, or even why to believe anything. hecklerspray prides itself on knowing everything there is to know, but these crafty lawhounds have ruined everything by being really, really, irritatingly confusing. How do they sleep at night?

Christ – they didn’t even call any star or surprise witnesses to throw everyone off and give us the surprise and joy that we all get through watching the trial of a major musician for serious crimes. Twats.

There are, fortunately, some things we do know:

1) R Kelly’s defence rested after just two days, clearly feeling confident that their campaign of sending sane minds into disarray will bring their client home free.

2) The prosecution is expected to recall video experts to analyse the footage. Again.

3) There are only a few stages left before a verdict is finally reached and Kelly is either released into a world where trial-by-tabloid incites fear in any celebrity, or he is sent down for abusing an adolescent. Neither of which will be that rosy for the R&B star.

The trial continues.