celebrity sex - HecklerSpray

Roman Polanksi Has The Right Hump With LA

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Everyone can relate to Roman Polanski – really, who hasn't admitted to a sexual encounter with an underage girl then spent 30 years on the lam in France?

And it's this completely universal nature of Roman Polanski?s story that's won him so many? supporters. The trouble is, none of them work at the LA Superior Court.

The court says that it'll consider dropping dropping Roman Polanski?s charges, but only if he appears there in person first. And Polanski thinks it's all just a big set-up to arrest him. Wow, who knew that alleged child-rape could be so exciting?

Hilary Duff Definitely Has Loads Of Sex, Unless She Doesn’t

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There’s a fine line between ‘morally-pure girl next door’ and ‘wizened, bad-toothed embittered old spinster’, and Hilary Duff knows that only too well.

Hilary Duff is now 21 years old – old enough to get hammered on booze, old enough to drive a tractor and, if only she wasn’t a female, old enough to vote. She’s also old enough to have sex, although she’s jiggered if she’s going to tell you if she actually does or not.

You see, Hilary Duff hasn’t admitted that she’s still a virgin. And she hasn’t admitted that she’s not. But she has claimed that she didn’t say she was. The dirty moo.

WEBTHUMP! Wednesday 3 December 2008

August 6th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

10 – Oh, so THIS is how you beat up women. Blimey…

9 – Amy Winehouse give someone a gift. Strangely enough, it wasn’t some form of disease – Holymoly

8 – Church Of Bacon. Oh, the internet. You really crack us up sometimes – Worshipbacon

7 – The most exciting Angelina Jolie news you will ever hear – Best Week Ever

6 – Christmas albums you really need to hear. Once – Chicagotribune

5 – Boy oh boy, people at Cracked get pissy if you ever steal their stuff – Cracked

Roman Polanski Says He Didn’t Boff That Child 30 Years Ago

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Roman Polanski is a modern-day superhero – he can direct films quite well and also he’s great at having sex with children.

Or, possibly, not having sex with children. Although he’s been on the lam since fleeing America in 1978 after pleading guilty to having sex with a 13-year-old girl, Roman Polanski has now decided to ask a Los Angeles court to dismiss his charges.

Let’s hope Roman Polanski gets his dismissal, because then he’ll stop being an exiled genius and become what he’s always dreamed of – a director in America who can’t get work because everyone thinks he’s so flipping creepy.

Mariah Carey Furious About Husband’s Sex Yammer

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Now, when you’re Mariah Carey it’s important that you have the right image – and that image is of a massive, slightly chavvy, slag.

That’s why Mariah Carey only makes music videos that feature her wriggling around in a bra or splashing about in a bikini in slow motion, and it’s also why Mariah Carey only releases songs called Touch My Body or Squeeze My Knockers or Stare Up My Bumhole. Appearing to be constantly sexually available is Mariah Carey’s one promotional cornerstone.

And that explains Mariah Carey’s alleged rage at husband Nick Cannon for telling the world that Mariah enforced a strict ‘no sex before marriage’ policy upon meeting him. Mariah Carey not instantly thwapping it all on a plate? That’s the kind of loose talk that destroys careers! Luckily Mariah Carey is a pro, so she’s fixed the problem herself by heavily implying that she sucked Nick off a bunch of times before the wedding. No joke.

Report: Televisions Get Your Children Pregnant

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We already have plenty of things to blame Sarah Jessica Parker for – transvestites who only speak in puns to name one – but that’s not enough for her.

No, now Sarah Jessica Parker has been named as the reason why there are so many pregnant teenagers running around. She hasn’t been impregnating the teens directly – although we wouldn’t put it past her, the shifty-faced git – but she has been putting the idea into their heads. Probably.

A new report has shown that teenage girls are more than twice as likely to get pregnant if they watch a lot of TV shows that contain sexual content. We can see that the report has a point – as teenagers we watched a lot of All Creatures Great And Small, and to this day we can’t even look at a cow without running over and ramming a fist up its bottom until a baby cow comes out.

No, Honestly, David Duchovny Really Didn’t Shag The Tennis Lady

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

He might be a sex addict, but remember that David Duchovny has feelings – well, not on his penis, we’re presuming that he wore all the nerve ending off that years ago.

But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn’t directed a movie since 2004’s House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it’s because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably.

Something else that hurts David Duchovny’s feelings is when people say he’s been having sex with people he hasn’t been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn’t put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it’d be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.

David Duchovny Not Smashing His Balls Into Tennis Instructor

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

David Duchovny’s two big loves are tennis and squalid joyless sex with women who may as well just be watermelons with holes in them. Allegedly.

And, since David Duchovny is such a busy man, he’d leap at the chance to consolidate those two loves into one manageable love by having it off with his tennis instructor a lot, wouldn’t he? Well, apparently not – David Duchovny’s lawyer has denied reports that Duchovny had an affair with Edit Pakay, his tennis instructor.

True, David Duchovny still loves tennis and sex – but since his sex addiction treatment, the thought of meaningless sex with an athletic young woman fills him with repulsion. Now the only way that David Duchovny could combine tennis and sex is by hiring local street whores and challenging them to five-set matches, and that’s just impractical – we know from experience that those whores charge double for backhand lobs.

Maureen McCormick: Here’s The Story Of A Spazzed-Out Druggie

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Looking back, the world fell in love with Marcia Brady because of her adorable hollow eyes and her wholesome trembling hyperactive paranoia.

That’s the reason why everyone’s favourite episodes of The Brady Bunch is the one where Marcia Brady plumbs the squalid depths of addiction thanks to her years growing up in an abusive family, trading sex for drugs and being forced to deal with unwanted pregnancies. And that episode where Marcia Brady gets hammered on Quaaludes in Sammy Davis Jr‘s house? Oh Marcia Marcia Marcia.

Wait, they’re not episodes of The Brady Bunch at all – they’re excerpts from Maureen McCormick‘s new book, Here’s The Story: Surviving Marcia Brady And Finding My True Voice. You might think that Maureen McCormick has reached a new pitiful low by detailing her battles with depression and drug addiction in a book for cash, but you’re wrong – she’s nowhere near the pitiful low benchmark set by her participation in A Very Brady Christmas.

Huzzah! David Duchovny Isn’t Addicted To The Sex Any More!

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The world was dangerous back when David Duchovny was a sex addict – you couldn’t walk the streets for fear of Duchovny trying to jam his tongue in your ear.

But relax, because now comes the news we’ve all been waiting for – David Duchovny has been cured of his sex addiction! According to a statement released yesterday, David Duchovny has left his sex addict rehab and is back functioning in society as a normal human being with a depressingly watery libido.

It still hasn’t been made clear what form David Duchovny’s sex addiction treatment took, but we hear that he’s had an implant fitted inside him that, whenever he feels a slight sensation of arousal, causes one of his testicles to inflate to the size of a bus, glow bright red and play I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd at ear-splitting volume. So he won’t be going to the swimming pool on Senior Aquarobics afternoon any time in a hurry, that’s for sure.