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And now, some news that should leave you feeling utterly confused and unsure of how to feel. Basically, this will either sadden you or make you wonder whether you should give the slightest shit about it all. And it involves Nick and Aaron Carter.
The rub is this: Leslie Carter, the sister of Aaron Carter and former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, has died in upstate New York aged 25 years old.
What gives?
Tulisa off of ‘N Dubz’ has split up with that other bloke Fazer out of ‘N Dubz’ because they were just having a hard time. What’s that you say? Not the best of starts to the week? Well congratu-bloody-lations on that nugget of wisdom, Sherlock. You THINK?
APPAZ (It’s definitely an ‘appaz’ moment. Please give us one ‘appaz’.) Tulisa moved out of the couple’s North London haunt, at some point sometime in the past week probably, and the only reason we’re a bit hazy on that is only because we’re very vulnerable and are having trouble keeping our calenders straight in our shaky callous fingers right now, before you start.
What’s more, it’s not been looking too good for the Camden childhood sweethearts as it was, seeing as their holiday in the Maldives the other day didn’t half go all post-traumatic stressy bessy anyway. We just really didn’t fancy mentioning that at the time, because we didn’t want to make your lovely little faces do that thing.. YES, THAT. THAT THING YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW. With the tears. Stop that. Think our problems are really as big as Sinead O Connor’s, do we? Mmm. Well maybe pour another glass of brandy, listen to Mandinka on a slower RPM, and then grow a heart. (Sorry, we’re still sad.)
Just when we thought that 2012 was getting off to a rocking start, what with us discovering there was one less Kardashian in the world and all, Heidi Klum and Seal have to shit on our parade by announcing they are getting a divorce.
The golden couple, who must have Hitler spinning in his grave, are filing for divorce after six years of marriage, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’.
Heidi Klum is a human contradiction – by all rights, she should be a mega bitch, but no-one seems to have passed on the memo that if you’re a towering German supermodel worth over £20million, you’re TOTALLY within your rights to act like the biggest douche in the world.
Oooh, you thought that you didn’t give two hoots about Khloe Kardashian not being a purebreed Kardash didn’t you? You figured that you didn’t need to care about such a trivial story. Now look at you, since you heard about OJ Simpson.
See, there’s been an issue surrounding Khloe’s biological father and, whoever lands the gig, will invariably have some tidy money to make.
However, what happens if it’s Mister Double Murderer-Cum-Armed-Robber-And-Kidnapper, O.J. Simpson? Well, that’s a story and a half right? Oh, before we forget, OJ Simpson played some sport or other too where the gloves, presumably, fit him just grand. Just to clear that up.
Puny Disney milktoast, Nick Jonas, is so lacking in edge that he’s akin to some amorphous blob with eyebrows. However, it is vitally important that young women fancy him, or else he loses all sense of value to his team.
So what can he do? How can he aimlessly wander into the fantasies of pre-pubescent women again? There must be something!
Hey! What’s this? Here’s a news story about Nick Jonas feeling that he’s “open” to the idea of going naked on stage. How useful!
There is no-one more hateful on planet Earth than Bruno Mars. Absolutely everything about him is odious to the point of a year-long continuous vomit. And yet, there’s people out there who are determined to keep him in the public eye.
His songs are played, his stupid goofy expression keeps appearing on our televisions and no-one seems to care that he sang ‘meet a really nice girl and have some really nice sex, and she’s gonna scream out ‘THIS IS GREAT!’‘ while others willingly join in with “I’ll be lounging on my couch just chillin’ in my snuggie“
You monsters. And now, the law has decided that cocaine possession charges against Mars should be dismissed when really, he should’ve been sent to the electric chair for his awful, tepid, vapid, intestinal dissolving music.
Sportsmen are all uniformly thick. They’re thicker than pig dung and nearly as blank-faced as soldiers. It’s astonishing really. They need assistants to tell them to take their trousers off before going to the toilet. So it shouldn’t surprise us that Kris Humphries was told EXACTLY how to propose to Kim Kardashian.
Just imagine that. Being so insultingly moronic that Kim Kardashian is able to boss you around.
We all know that the proposal ended in a complete sham of a marriage, but what we didn’t know that it was a con from the off, with Kimmy K actually planning Humphries proposal down to the letter. Allegedly, of course. Go away lawyers.
Truth be told, it isn’t very often that one of the debauched members of the hecklerspray bedsit would ever speak of a member of the Kardashian lizard family in any positive manner. Doing so carries a punishment. A punishment that would Max Mosley blush and thank his lucky stars that he only has goes up against Nazis, and not the full extent of the hecklerspray phantom. That’s one sick puppy eating monster.
But today is a special day. Today is a day where it all changes for the awful Kardashian Kartel. It seems that the head of the Kardashian family, Kris Jenner, had unprotected and probably nasty (it did involve Kris Jenner, and possibly her original face) sex with an unwitting stranger, before eating the poor fool whole and spinning a web over his corpse so Susan Boyle couldn’t pick at the carcass.
Which we know she would.
