As big as this metrosexuality thing is, sometimes we just want to go out and find a tiny little man who hits people a lot - right girls?

No? Nobody coming along with us on this one? Well Shannon Price understands. That's because Shannon Price has married Gary Coleman, planet Earth's foremost angry midget. To be fair, Gary Coleman and Shannon Price got married last August and people have only just found out about it, but you can't deny a happy couple when you see one.

Apart from that time Shannon Price called the police because Gary Coleman was so angry that she was scared he'd hurt her - but, you know, apart from that they're probably quite happy.

Now that Britney Spears is under the protective care of her parents again, hints about just how ill she was pre-hospitalisation have started to creep out.

And it's worse than it ever seemed - forget the string of public meltdowns, there's a chance that Britney Spears secretly got married to her paparazzo boyfriend Adnan Ghalib last month.

Of course, nobody knows the truth and the marriage is void anyway because Adnan's already married, but getting married to Adnan Ghalib? Britney's lucky she only got sectioned after that - we'd have held her down and lobotomised her there and then if we'd have caught wind of it.

Remember a couple of days ago when Eddie Murphy got married to his girlfriend Tracey Edmonds in French Polynesia? Yeah, didn't happen.

Yes, we know it looked like it happened, and that everyone said it happened and there was a ceremony and everything, but it wasn't a wedding. Apparently Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds were just performing a 'spiritual binding' that wouldn't hold up in court if Eddie, say, knocked Tracey up, denied the baby was his and then dumped her on a European television programme, for example. However, Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds have announced that they do plan to have an official wedding ceremony just as soon as they return to America - which technically still leaves Eddie long enough to, say, do the knocking up/ denying/ dumping thing. If he wants to, that is.

Remember Gareth Gates? Of course you do, he was the prickle-headed stutterer who couldn't quite win Pop Idol six years ago and was punished for his failure by being forced to have it off with Jordan.

But those frightful Jordan-humping days are over, because it's been announced that Gareth Gates is getting married. Apparently Gareth Gates proposed to his girlfriend Suzanne Mole on New Year's Eve and she said yes. Reaction to the Gareth Gates/ Suzanne Mole wedding has been split equally between Gareth's two remaining fans, with one of them expressing their best wishes to the couple and the other one stabbing their large Gareth Gates thigh-tattoo over and over with a maths compass screaming "It should have been me! Why can't it be me!" But we're sure Gareth's mum will come round to the fact after her thigh stops bleeding.

Aside from the shouty homophobic one, the one who was in that Disney film, the bony one, the one from Sideways and the gay one, Katherine Heigl is easily the breakout star from TV's Grey's Anatomy.

But even a big star like Katherine Heigl needs to keep herself grounded, and that's why she spent last week getting married in Utah. Katherine Heigl has married Josh Kelley, who recently hit the record books for being the least famous musician ever, even beating that weird Asian kid who sits outside Debenhams playing the theme-tune to The Simpsons on a cello over and over again. To her credit, Katherine Heigl looked thrilled to be finally getting married, although with her reputation it's only going to be a matter of days before she gives a big long bitter interview to a leading glossy magazine all about how much she hates weddings, husbands, honeymoons, confetti and happiness.

It's becoming slightly traditional for rumours of a Jay-Z/ Beyonce marriage to surface every December, but this this time it looks like they might have been spot-on.

Reports are surfacing that Jay-Z and Beyonce properly went and got married during a trip to Paris last week. They're completely unconfirmed rumours, of course, but we'll soon see how true they are because apparently Jay-Z and Beyonce both got their fingers tattooed instead of swapping wedding rings. That doesn't necessarily mean we should all strain our eyes trying to look for infinitesimal markings on Jay-Z and Beyonce's fingers, though - the signs will be much more obvious than that. On the basis that they both let a Frenchman tattoo their fingers last week, we just need to look out for the 'Beyonce Has One Giant Septic Hand Covered In Pus' headlines to confirm everything we need to know.

As we all know, the day that Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get married will be the day that global warming reverses, all wars stop and mankind lives peacefully under its new kind-hearted demi-god rulers.

Either that or MTV will just cynically lob out a crappy spoon-fed reality TV show about all the zany, slightly staged-looking shenanigans that Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get up to. One or the other. We can't remember which. Anyway, that doesn't matter for now, because Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo aren't married despite a flurry of rumours that their wedding was due to take place this weekend. But, hey, let's not get too downhearted because Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo didn't get married - we're not so much losing a wedding here as mercifully gaining another week without seeing Nick and Vanessa gurning out from the cover of an OK! magazine wedding special like a couple of wrong morons.

There's nothing like a punch-up at a wedding, so you'd expect that the wedding of Ellen Pompeo from Grey's Anatomy - the fightiest show on TV - would end up looking like a deleted scene from 300, wouldn't you.

Sadly, nothing of the sort took place on Friday when Ellen Pompeo married her boyfriend Chris Ivery in New York. In fact, Ellen Pompeo's wedding was so low-key that not even Ellen Pompeo's own father knew of it until after it happened. But can you blame Ellen Pompeo for keeping it a secret? After all, with the bickering and fighting on the Grey's Anatomy set of late, Ellen must've been worried that her co-stars would have used chunks of human flesh as confetti if they'd have been invited. Plus the last thing anyone wants at their wedding is for Isaiah Washington to punctuate the vicar's "Does anyone here present know of any reason..." speech by shrieking the word "FAGGOT!"