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Celebrity marriages

Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz Totally Getting Married On Saturday

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone loves a nice wedding, don’t they? Or failing that, a mediocre wedding. Or failing that, a wedding between Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz.

And it’s a good job that everyone loves that, because it’s been reported that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are going to get married this very Saturday. We know! It clashes with Norwegian Constitution Day! We’re so torn!

But what about the details of this Ashlee Simpson/ Pete Wentz marriage extravaganza? Has it been officially confirmed? No. Where will it be held? We don’t know. Does this mean that Pete Wentz definitely knocked Ashlee Simpson up? Probably. What if he hasn’t? Then they’re both idiots. How long will this marriage last, anyway? Probably like a week maybe.

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Mariah Carey Marries That Bloke, Which Is Mental

by Stuart Heritage

An apology: yesterday we said that Mariah Carey would never marry Nick Cannon because they’ve only just met and nobody’s that stupid.

We now solemnly swear to never underestimate the stupidity of another celebrity again. And that’s because Mariah Carey has got married to Nick Cannon.

According to various reports, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon got married earlier this week in the Bahamas after knowing each other for just over a month. Nothing’s been officially confirmed by either Mariah or Nick yet, though, which sort of makes this a repeat of the Jay-Z and Beyonce wedding, if Beyonce was a bloke we’d never heard of and Jay-Z was an annoying woman who had a mental breakdown quite recently.

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Jay-Z & Beyonce Really Married After All, Then

by Stuart Heritage

Nobody really knows for sure if Jay-Z and Beyonce got married recently – sure, there may be unquestionable proof that they did, but nobody knows for sure.

Admittedly Mary J Blige said that Jay-Z and Beyonce were married, plus they both applied for a marriage license right before the alleged wedding, plus the woman who did the flowers for the wedding said that Jay-Z andBeyonce were married and they’ve both been seen wearing giant wedding rings, but nobody can really say for sure if they’re actually married or not.

And, yes, admittedly Jay-Z and Beyonce have also just filed their marriage license and a town clerk has confirmed that they are definitely married, but look inside your heart, people. Is it telling you that Jay-Z andBeyonce are really married? It is? It is? Oh, well in that case they probably are married, then. Carry on.

Nobody really knows for sure if Jay-Z and Beyonce got married recently - sure, there may be unquestionable proof that they did, but nobody knows for sure. Admittedly Mary J Blige said that Jay-Z and Beyonce were married, plus they both applied for a marriage license right before the alleged wedding, plus the woman who did the flowers for the wedding said that Jay-Z andBeyonce were married and they've both been seen wearing giant wedding rings, but nobody can really say for sure if they're actually married or not. And, yes, admittedly Jay-Z and Beyonce have also just filed their marriage license and a town clerk has confirmed that they are definitely married, but look inside your heart, people. Is it telling you that Jay-Z andBeyonce are really married? It is? It is? Oh, well in that case they probably are married, then. Carry on.
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Wait, Ashlee Simpson Really Is Pregnant Now?

by Stuart Heritage

Forget war or paedophile priests or Tibetan freedom protests, the only thing the world wants to know about today is the state of Ashlee Simpson’s uterus.

If you thought the rumours about Ashlee Simpson’s pregnancy were put to bed when her fiance Pete Wentz called them ‘crazy’ earlier in the week are true, then think again. It’s been reported that Ashlee Simpson really is pregnant all along and that PeteWentz and Ashlee Simpson want to get married as soon as possible before she gets all swollen and crap.

But why did Pete Wentz say Ashlee Simpson wasn’t pregnant when she really was? Was he telling the truth, making up a barefaced lie or is he just a bit stupid? We wouldn’t like to say, but let’s not forget that he is in Fall Out Boy, so the stupidity option probably shouldn’t be discounted.

Forget war or paedophile priests or Tibetan freedom protests, the only thing the world wants to know about today is the state of Ashlee Simpson's uterus. If you thought the rumours about Ashlee Simpson's pregnancy were put to bed when her fiance Pete Wentz called them 'crazy' earlier in the week are true, then think again. It's been reported that Ashlee Simpson really is pregnant all along and that PeteWentz and Ashlee Simpson want to get married as soon as possible before she gets all swollen and crap. But why did Pete Wentz say Ashlee Simpson wasn't pregnant when she really was? Was he telling the truth, making up a barefaced lie or is he just a bit stupid? We wouldn't like to say, but let's not forget that he is in Fall Out Boy, so the stupidity option probably shouldn't be discounted.
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Donald Trump’s Ex-Wife Gets Married In Donald Trump’s Garden

by Stuart Heritage

Most divorced couples hate the guts out of each other, but Donald and Ivana Trump don’t – Donald and Ivana Trump have got class.

We’re just kidding. Donald Trump and Ivana Trump aren’t classy at all – they’re essentially just incredibly wealthy chavs who don’t like anything unless it’s covered in repulsive amounts of gold – but they still like each other, and that was our original point.

How much do Donald Trump and Ivana Trump like each other? So much that when Ivana Trump got married for the fourth time this weekend, she got married on Donald Trump’s estate. In front of Donald Trump. In a ceremony conducted by Donald Trump’s sister. There’s a rumour that Ivana Trump will also only make love to her new husband if he’s wearing a Donald Trump facemask, but that’s probably untrue because – christ – imagine having sex with Donald Trump. Bleurgh.

Most divorced couples hate the guts out of each other, but Donald and Ivana Trump don't - Donald and Ivana Trump have got class. We're just kidding. Donald Trump and Ivana Trump aren't classy at all - they're essentially just incredibly wealthy chavs who don't like anything unless it's covered in repulsive amounts of gold - but they still like each other, and that was our original point. How much do Donald Trump and Ivana Trump like each other? So much that when Ivana Trump got married for the fourth time this weekend, she got married on Donald Trump's estate. In front of Donald Trump. In a ceremony conducted by Donald Trump's sister. There's a rumour that Ivana Trump will also only make love to her new husband if he's wearing a Donald Trump facemask, but that's probably untrue because - christ - imagine having sex with Donald Trump. Bleurgh.
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Sean Penn Doesn’t Want To Divorce His Wife Any More

by Stuart Heritage

The Sean Penn/ Robin Wright Penn divorce was the one divorce that everyone was looking forward to, but now the bastards have spoilt it.

How? By flipping well falling back in love again, that’s how. Although they filed for divorce in December, Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn have now decided to call the divorce off so that they can sit around kissing and holding hands for the indefinite future.

We feel sick – this isn’t how Hollywood marriages are supposed to go at all. Where’s the infidelity, the bitterness, the petty public games of one-upmanship? Where, damn it, is the embarrassing sexual encounter with the seven-foot transsexual hooker? Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn, your happiness infuriates us.

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Jay-Z & Beyonce Wedding: Mary J Blige Confirms, Unless She Doesn’t

by Stuart Heritage

Mary J Blige is the Simon Says of modern celebrity culture – if Blige doesn’t pass comment on it then it never really happened.

So with that in mind it’s safe to assume that Jay-Z and Beyonce really did get married on Friday, because Mary J Blige kicked off a co-headlining concert with Jay-Z on Saturday by shouting “Congratulations to my man Jay-Z and my girl B!”

Which makes it indisputable that Jay-Z and Beyonce are really married, unless Mary J Blige was congratulating them on something else, of course – like finding buried treasure on a beach with a metal detector, for example, or for making a tiny hat that’s the perfect size for a duck’s head, or for stringing the world on for so long about whether they’re married or not that most people would rather swallow broken glass than think about Jay-Z or Beyonce for another second. Who knows?

Mary J Blige is the Simon Says of modern celebrity culture - if Blige doesn't pass comment on it then it never really happened. So with that in mind it's safe to assume that Jay-Z and Beyonce really did get married on Friday, because Mary J Blige kicked off a co-headlining concert with Jay-Z on Saturday by shouting "Congratulations to my man Jay-Z and my girl B!" Which makes it indisputable that Jay-Z and Beyonce are really married, unless Mary J Blige was congratulating them on something else, of course - like finding buried treasure on a beach with a metal detector, for example, or for making a tiny hat that's the perfect size for a duck's head, or for stringing the world on for so long about whether they're married or not that most people would rather swallow broken glass than think about Jay-Z or Beyonce for another second. Who knows?
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Jay-Z & Beyonce Definitely Getting Married, Probably

by Stuart Heritage

The ongoing will they/won’t they marriage flap between Jay-Z and Beyonce has literally got like six people quite near the edge of their seats.

Every couple of months there’ll be a story about how Jay-Z and Beyonce secretly got married in a far-off country, only for it to be shot down later by people bored enough to actually check up on these things.

But now? Now Jay-Z and Beyonce are definitely going to get married because they’ve just taken out a marriage license. That’s right – at some point over the next 60 days there’s definitely going to be a Jay-Z wedding. We’d suggest it takes place on May 14th – because there’s nothing more romantic than a wedding that takes place on the 212th anniversary of the smallpox vaccination being first administered.

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Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie Wedding: Officially Booty-Cheddar

by Stuart Heritage

The world wants Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to get married so badly that it’ll pretty much believe anything.

Like that Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie wedding that was supposed to have taken place in New Orleans on Saturday, for example. You know, the one that never happened.

Star magazine, which claimed Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married on Saturday, has now admitted that the whole report was a bunch of cobblers all along. The Pitt/Jolie non-wedding is pretty much good news for all sorts of reasons, though. Not only will it allow for another furiously inept media scrum the next time Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don’t get married, but – girls – this means that you can start kidding yourselves that you have a shot at Brad Pitt again! Exciting!

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Brad Pitt’s And Angelina Jolie’s Marriage Potentially Poppycock

by Paul Sorrenti

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie’s Marriage Potentially PoppycockBrad Pitt and Angelina Jolie love and trust each other so much that they have decided to sign a legally binding contract making it a huge financial risk for either of them to sleep with anyone else.

According to Star Magazine website, the worlds most famous couple made their love official (any love outside of marriage is unofficial – fact) in New Orleans on Saturday.

What a scoop for Star Magazine! But not so according to people.com, who claim it’s all a big bag of overflowing poppycock.More…

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