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Celebrity marriages

Sorry Girls, George Takei Is Off The Market

by Stuart Heritage

Ladies, we know that when someone’s making love to you, you’re really fantasising about George Takei – but it’s too late.

That’s because, ladies, we’re sorry to admit that George Takei has got married. Your dreams of Mr Sulu appearing at your doorstep on a white steed to whisk you away to a life on unparalleled luxury are worthless now, because this weekend George Takei got married to a very lucky lady by the name of Brad Altman.

Huh, Brad Altman. That’s a funny and oddly-masculine name for a lady to have. In fact, looking at George Takei’s wedding pictures, his new wife bears an uncanny resemblance to a balding grey-haired man in his mid-fifties. Poor woman. Still, she must be great in the sack to snag a pussy-magnet like George Takei, so who are we to judge.

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Lindsay Lohan This Close To Marrying Samantha Ronson, Maybe

by Stuart Heritage

There used to be a time when Lindsay Lohan only loved booze, drugs, sex, partial nudity and films about winking Volkswagens, but not any more.

Now it seems like Lindsay Lohan has found the love of her life – a boy-haired DJ called Samantha Ronson. For the past however many months, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have been completely inseparable, going to events together, falling out of clubs together, slagging off Lindsay Lohan’s dad together – and now it looks like they want to make their union official.

That’s right, according to reports Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson could be getting married in the next few months. Let’s just pray that they don’t accidentally release a Pammy & Tommy-style honeymoon sex video. Not because lesbian sex repulses us, you understand, but because we’ve seen Lindsay Lohan naked so many times in the last few years that one more glimpse of her ginger knockers will probably send us into a deep narcoleptic coma that we’ll never recover from.

There used to be a time when Lindsay Lohan only loved booze, drugs, sex, partial nudity and films about winking Volkswagens, but not any more. Now it seems like Lindsay Lohan has found the love of her life - a boy-haired DJ called Samantha Ronson. For the past however many months, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have been completely inseparable, going to events together, falling out of clubs together, slagging off Lindsay Lohan's dad together - and now it looks like they want to make their union official. That's right, according to reports Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson could be getting married in the next few months. Let's just pray that they don't accidentally release a Pammy & Tommy-style honeymoon sex video. Not because lesbian sex repulses us, you understand, but because we've seen Lindsay Lohan naked so many times in the last few years that one more glimpse of her ginger knockers will probably send us into a deep narcoleptic coma that we'll never recover from.
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James Gandolfini Marries Some Woman Someplace Nice

by Stuart Heritage

Although it’s Labor Day and most of the media is preoccupied with hurricanes and politics, we’ve still got all the big celebrity news for you.

And when we say big, we mean big. Like, for instance, James Gandolfini got married on Saturday. That’s right – a man from a TV show that ended over a year ago just got married to a woman we’ve never even heard of. In Hawaii. And, um, that’s about it.

Just kidding – loads happened. For instance, James Gandolfini’s eight-year-old son was the best man. And also, James Gandolfini’s wife walked down the aisle to some harp music. Why, James Gandolfini’s wedding has got to be the happiest, harpiest, Hawaiiest, eight-year-old boyiest wedding to happen to anyone who played the lead in The Sopranos ever!

Warning: the following story may contain padding.

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Timbaland Marries Same Woman Twice In One Month – Second Time With Different Drumbeats

by Shawn Lindseth

When hecklerspray met the love of its life, it gently released her from the giant steel bear trap that had snapped her ankle in two. Then we looked her right in the eyes, tucked her sweat-covered hair behind an ear and said: "We knew we’d find you. That’s why we’ve been baiting this trap once [...]

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Charlie Sheen Marries Another Bitter Divorcee-In-Waiting

by Stuart Heritage

If we were to make a list of women we’d want to attack in an angry display of jealousy, then Charlie Sheen’s new wife Brooke Mueller would be top of the list.

Why? Because she’s married to Charlie Sheen, that’s why! We’ve had our eye on him for ages and, by getting married to him on Friday, Brooke Mueller has swiped him right out from under our noses. We’ll never get to star in a bitter reality TV show about why we hate our ex-husband Charlie Sheen now! Never!

Brooke Mueller, you heed our words – next time you spy Charlie Sheen looking at internet porn sites featuring very young girls or get caught on the wrong end of a foul-mouthed Charlie Sheen tirade about why it’s funny that your mother’s got cancer, remember that the crushing, life-sapping sense of anguish you feel was meant for us. Us!

If we were to make a list of women we'd want to attack in an angry display of jealousy, then Charlie Sheen's new wife Brooke Mueller would be top of the list. Why? Because she's married to Charlie Sheen, that's why! We've had our eye on him for ages and, by getting married to him on Friday, Brooke Mueller has swiped him right out from under our noses. We'll never get to star in a bitter reality TV show about why we hate our ex-husband Charlie Sheen now! Never! Brooke Mueller, you heed our words - next time you spy Charlie Sheen looking at internet porn sites featuring very young girls or get caught on the wrong end of a foul-mouthed Charlie Sheen tirade about why it's funny that your mother's got cancer, remember that the crushing, life-sapping sense of anguish you feel was meant for us. Us!
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Jessica Alba Gets Married, Shotgun Style

by Stuart Heritage

As the Bible states, “If thou accidentally knock a girl up and can’t convince her to get rid of it, thou has to marry her.”

And if anyone knows that it’s Cash Warren, the man who recently managed to get Jessica Alba pregnant. Because, frightened that God would curse the baby with stupidity or – worse still – not looking like Jessica Alba if He found out that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have snuck off and got married.

So congratulations to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. When we get married, we want it to do it in a last-minute panic because an unplanned pregnancy has ruined the rest of our lives, too. That Jessica Alba, she’s so lucky.

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Mr Sulu To Gay-Marry Everyone, Or Just His Boyfriend Or Whatever

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone loves a good homemade honeymoon sex video that’s been leaked onto the internet, don’t they?

Which is why everyone should prepare themselves for the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes. Or, to be more precise, the holy grail of honeymoon sex tapes featuring a 71-year-old Asian man humping his 54-year-old husband with every ounce of strength left in his feeble body. That’s right – George Takei fron Star Trek is getting married!

News of George Takei’s wedding comes hot on the heels of California overturning its ban on gay marriage. And, as happy as we are that George Takei can formalise a relationship he’s had for 21 years, maybe this new law will make it easier for other closeted gay actors to finally come out and stop living a lie. That’s right, Doogie Howser, we’re looking at you.

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Ashlee Simpson Gets Married, Turns Out She’s Pregnant

by Paul Sorrenti

Hooray for love and life! Ashlee Simpson has married Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz and has a little celebrity hybrid leeching on her insides.

They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) wedding ceremony and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.

Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:

There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me.

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Ellen & Portia To Sob About Puppies As Properly Married Couple

by Stuart Heritage

You know what’s hotter than lesbian sex? Lesbian sex rendered listless and infrequent by marriage!

And it turns out that’s exactly what Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will soon get to experience for themselves because – thanks to California overturning its ban on gay marriage – Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossie are totally getting married.

With the door opened for gay marriages in Hollywood, no doubt Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will want to be among the first lesbians to formalise their civil partnership. Because that way they’ll exponentially increase the chances of being the first lesbians to undertake a messy, bitterness-filled girl-on-girl celebrity divorce. We can’t wait!

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Papoose Apparently Tries To Bust Remy Ma Out Of Prison

by Shawn Lindseth

How many rap superstars have gone to prison in the past few years? 100? 200? Well we don’t have an exact count, but we heard that in Atlanta they make up more than half of the incarcerated population.

Further rumor has it that while in there they all join together making beautiful music banging tin coffee cups on their cell bars and slapping out dope beats by smacking soap-on-a-rope into the bare bottoms of their cell mates. It’s all melody they tell us.

And on the chain gang they sing into their pickaxes. It’s just what we heard.

Whatever stories you’ve heard about rappers in prison before – forget them. They pale in comparison to this one. That’s because this one involves Remy-Ma getting smuggled a possible means of escape by her rhyme-loving groom.

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