Eddie Van Halen Gets Engaged To Woman Who Doesn’t Seem To Mind He’s Mostly Decomposing If you’re a somewhat famous person who hasn’t really gotten it together in years – what you need is a good publicist. Seriously – a good publicist can do wonders for your career. They’ll get your name on marquees, they’ll make the masses forget you’re ugly and dumb, and dang it all, they’ll even marry you if that’s what it takes to sell your next album. We can’t guarantee all publicists will marry you – but Eddie Van Halen’s will. She’ll marry you in a heartbeat - even if you look kinda like you’ve been buried in a moist hill for over 200 years. It’s because she does what it takes – whatever it takes, to get you a headline or two. That’s what we assume anyway – because she just got romantically engaged to E Van Halen. Yes, she got romantically engaged to him, with plans to romantically marry him. Now that’s dedication.

Scarlett Johansson Marries Ryan Reynolds, Nobody Knows Why Scarlett Johansson - one of the most beautiful actresses in the world who could literally take her pick of any man alive - has just got married. But who has Scarlett Johansson got married to? A king? James Bond? A philanthropic playboy billionaire? Pre-goose Fabio? No. Scarlett Johansson has got married to Ryan Reynolds - the man who you'll probably recognise as the bloke you wanted to punch square in the face for the entire duration of that Definitely, Maybe film your girlfriend made you go and see. Apparently Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynold's wedding was a small, quiet affair attended by only a handful of people. That's not to say that more people weren't invited - they just never got round to replying because they've all been scratching their heads and going "Ryan Reynolds? Why?" ever since the invitations arrived.

Sorry Girls, George Takei Is Off The Market Ladies, we know that when someone's making love to you, you're really fantasising about George Takei - but it's too late. That's because, ladies, we're sorry to admit that George Takei has got married. Your dreams of Mr Sulu appearing at your doorstep on a white steed to whisk you away to a life on unparalleled luxury are worthless now, because this weekend George Takei got married to a very lucky lady by the name of Brad Altman. Huh, Brad Altman. That's a funny and oddly-masculine name for a lady to have. In fact, looking at George Takei's wedding pictures, his new wife bears an uncanny resemblance to a balding grey-haired man in his mid-fifties. Poor woman. Still, she must be great in the sack to snag a pussy-magnet like George Takei, so who are we to judge.

Lindsay Lohan This Close To Marrying Samantha Ronson, Maybe There used to be a time when Lindsay Lohan only loved booze, drugs, sex, partial nudity and films about winking Volkswagens, but not any more. Now it seems like Lindsay Lohan has found the love of her life - a boy-haired DJ called Samantha Ronson. For the past however many months, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have been completely inseparable, going to events together, falling out of clubs together, slagging off Lindsay Lohan's dad together - and now it looks like they want to make their union official. That's right, according to reports Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson could be getting married in the next few months. Let's just pray that they don't accidentally release a Pammy & Tommy-style honeymoon sex video. Not because lesbian sex repulses us, you understand, but because we've seen Lindsay Lohan naked so many times in the last few years that one more glimpse of her ginger knockers will probably send us into a deep narcoleptic coma that we'll never recover from.

James Gandolfini Marries Some Woman Someplace Nice Although it's Labor Day and most of the media is preoccupied with hurricanes and politics, we've still got all the big celebrity news for you. And when we say big, we mean big. Like, for instance, James Gandolfini got married on Saturday. That's right - a man from a TV show that ended over a year ago just got married to a woman we've never even heard of. In Hawaii. And, um, that's about it. Just kidding - loads happened. For instance, James Gandolfini's eight-year-old son was the best man. And also, James Gandolfini's wife walked down the aisle to some harp music. Why, James Gandolfini's wedding has got to be the happiest, harpiest, Hawaiiest, eight-year-old boyiest wedding to happen to anyone who played the lead in The Sopranos ever! Warning: the following story may contain padding.

Timbaland Marries Same Woman Twice In One Month – Second Time With Different Drumbeats

When hecklerspray met the love of its life, it gently released her from the giant steel bear trap that had snapped her ankle in two.

Then we looked her right in the eyes, tucked her sweat-covered hair behind an ear and said: "We knew we’d find you. That’s why we’ve been baiting this trap once a week for the past ten years.”

Ends up she wasn’t into us - probably because we made her gangrenous. Still though, as we sometimes run her 6”x 3” patch of skin through our fingers - the piece that got torn off in the hinge and has long since turned to human-leather - we can’t help but wonder what she’s doing now and if she ever thinks of us.

Seriously - we are so lonely.

Timbaland’s not lonely anymore though – and he proved it with an island wedding that may or may not be officially recognised in the United States. He got married a day or two ago – to a woman who didn’t complain one bit when their first dance was to a 43-minute remixed Nelly Furtado song.

Charlie Sheen Marries Another Bitter Divorcee-In-Waiting If we were to make a list of women we'd want to attack in an angry display of jealousy, then Charlie Sheen's new wife Brooke Mueller would be top of the list. Why? Because she's married to Charlie Sheen, that's why! We've had our eye on him for ages and, by getting married to him on Friday, Brooke Mueller has swiped him right out from under our noses. We'll never get to star in a bitter reality TV show about why we hate our ex-husband Charlie Sheen now! Never! Brooke Mueller, you heed our words - next time you spy Charlie Sheen looking at internet porn sites featuring very young girls or get caught on the wrong end of a foul-mouthed Charlie Sheen tirade about why it's funny that your mother's got cancer, remember that the crushing, life-sapping sense of anguish you feel was meant for us. Us!

Jessica Alba Gets Married, Shotgun Style As the Bible states, "If thou accidentally knock a girl up and can't convince her to get rid of it, thou has to marry her." And if anyone knows that it's Cash Warren, the man who recently managed to get Jessica Alba pregnant. Because, frightened that God would curse the baby with stupidity or - worse still - not looking like Jessica Alba if He found out that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have snuck off and got married. So congratulations to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. When we get married, we want it to do it in a last-minute panic because an unplanned pregnancy has ruined the rest of our lives, too. That Jessica Alba, she's so lucky.