And then Anthony Edwards, Alex Kingston, Eriq La Salle, Mekhi Phifer and Linda Cardellini. And then Marilyn Sue Perry who played Prison Ward OB Nurse Judy Rogers in two episodes a decade ago. And then, maybe, if you haven’t passed out from exhaustion, you might think of Parminder Nagra.

And congratulations if you did, because Parminder Nagra has got married. We’re guessing here, but we’d say Parminder Nagra’s wedding is probably the biggest thing to happen to the world this week.

If ER is destined to go down in history as the show that continued to be made for about five years after everyone thought it got cancelled – which it is – then Parminder Nagra is destined to forever be known as that woman who nobody ever recognises because she starred in ER during the time that everyone thought it had been cancelled.

Or, if you want to be less cruel, you could say that Parminder Nagra was the star of Bend It Like Beckham who deserved to be as famous as Keira Knightley but wasn’t because her stomach wasn’t concave enough. But we don’t want to be less cruel, so we’ll go for the ‘nobody recognises her’ angle, thanks.

But anyway, now that ER has actually been cancelled in a flurry of guest spots from actors who aren’t as expensive as George Clooney, Parminder Nagra needs something else to do with her time. Appearing in other medical dramas is out, not because she’s worried about typecasting but because – having already starred in Casualty, Holby City, Always And Everyone and ER – the only medical drama that Parminder Nagra hasn’t already appeared in is Grey’s Anatomy, and she’s not mental.

So instead Parminder Nagra has opted for plan B – she’s got married to some bloke she’s been going out with for seven years. OK! reports:

Congratulations to Parminder Nagra and her new husband, photographer James Stenson. The happy couple, who have been together for seven years, were married at 3:45pm PT in an intimate ceremony before friends and family at an elegant private home in the Hollywood Hills. The wedding itself was a traditional Sikh ceremony known as “Anand Karaj,” which translates into “blissful union.”

Parminder’s marriage to James Stenson shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to anyone – last month she revealed that he’d knocked her up. Incidentally, while we’re on the subject we should point out a mistake in OK’s report – ‘Anand Karaj’ doesn’t actually translate to ‘blissful union’, but rather ‘duty-bound union that the husband only suggested out of guilt’. It’s an easy mistake to make, we’re told. It’s all in the inflection.

Anyway, we’d like to offer our sincere congratulations to Parminder Nagra on her marriage. Finally – something she’s better than Keira Knightley at! Result!

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

But now she’s also Mrs Duhamel. On Saturday Fergie married dangerously minor actor Josh Duhamel during a beautiful ceremony in Malibu. So, you know, if you thought you’d heard the story about how Fergie took crystal meth as a kid too often, have a little sympathy for Josh Duhamel – he’ll have to hear it every day until he dies.

Best of all though, every single D-lister who’s ever walked the earth saw Fergie and Duhamel get married. Oh Sarin, you’re never there when you’re needed.

So far, 2009 hasn’t been a happy one for celebrity romances. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are on the rocks. Jennifer Love-Hewitt has split up with her fiancee and so has Katy Perry. Lily Allen split up with that very old man she kept snogging on the beach. Sarah Jessica Parker’s about to split up with Matthew Broderick, Jennifer Lopez is about to split up with Marc Anthony and Patricia Arquette and her husband have split up. And we’re only 12 days into 2009, for crying out loud.

What we need is a burst of positivity – an affirmation of the power of love by a superstar. And did that happen at the weekend? Well, no. OK, an affirmation of the power of love by a regular star? No, that didn’t happen either? OK, well did the screeching labia-obsessed woman from Black Eyed Peas get married to an actor who’s inexplicably even less famous than her? Yes, apparently that last one did happen. So let’s go with that.

On Saturday Fergie – the one from Black Eyed Peas who wets herself and used to take crystal meth you know – got married to Josh Duhamel, who’ll you know as the one from Transformers who wasn’t Jon Voight, Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox or one of the giant borderline-offensive Ebonics-speaking robots. People reports on the ceremony:

The Black Eyed Peas singer, 33, wearing a Dolce & Gabbana gown, and the actor, 36, tied the knot at the Church Estates Vineyards in Malibu. Fergie carried a bouquet of white flowers studded with crystals as the couple exchanged H. Stern rings engraved with personal messages. Ten bridesmaids were dressed in contrasting black. The ceremony was followed by a reception in a tent decorated as a forest of trees.

White flowers studded with crystals? Nice. It just goes to show that while you can’t buy class, you can buy, um, some white flowers studded with crystals. We think that was our original point there.

Anyway, more impressive than the flower/crystal mash-up was the wedding’s guestlist. All the other members of Black Eyed Peas saw Fergie marry Josh Duhamel, as did AC Slater from Saved By The Bell, the bloke from Kangaroo Jack, Kid Rock, the one from Bride Wars who isn’t Anne Hathaway, a female wrestler and – oddly – Slash. We don’t know what Slash was doing there. Maybe he mistook it for a version of the November Rain video and was waiting for someone to ask him to play a nine-hour directionless solo on the edge of a cliff or something.

Anyway, congratulations to both Fergie and Josh Duhamel. Now don’t get pregnant for a while, will you, because we’ve used up the three facts we know about either of you here and we can’t be bothered to do any more research. Deal?

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

That’s unless you don’t care. Which you probably shouldn’t do, in fairness. After all, it’s not like you know Scarlett Johansson or Van Wilder, and you’d have to be a complete weirdo to like either of them enough to care about their potential children. Is that what you are? A weirdo? Is it? Want to know about Scarlett Johansson’s unborn babies, do you? You make us sick. Sick.

As it happens, Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want any babies yet. Are you happy now? Jesus.

After Konnie Huq, Joan Sims and Mark Owen from Take That, Scarlett Johansson is one of the most desirable women on the planet, and that’s something she’s painfully aware of.

Scarlett Johansson is so desirable that one-hit wonders want to kiss her with tongues. She’s so desirable that grown men will figuratively elbow each other in the face to get their hands on droplets of her disease-ridden mucus. She’s so desirable that she’s not even surprised when minor films stars who she’s been going out with for months propose to her.

Really, she’s not. That’s the one big revelation to come from an interview with Scarlett Johansson in this month’s Harper’s Bazaar. That and the not wanting babies yet thing. Are you still reading this? You are? Urgh, creepy. Anyway, here’s the quote:

“I wasn’t surprised. You say you can’t believe it, but of course you really can. Anyone being presented with a diamond ring, you just squeal with delight… I’m not pregnant nor will I be any time soon.”

That’s it. That’s literally the most thrilling thing that Scarlett Johansson said in the entire interview. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that Scarlett got married to Ryan Reynolds, it wasn’t a surprise to her when she did and she’s not having any children in the imminent future.

But why doesn’t Scarlett Johansson want to get pregnant any time soon? It’s certainly not because her vagina’s all clogged up with hepatitis, that’s for sure. So here, for no other reason that this is apparently newsworthy and we’ve got space to fill, are our top five reasons why Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want children…

1 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

2 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

3 – Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

4 - Scarlett Johansson doesn’t love Ryan Reynolds

5 - Scarlett Johansson is a man

We would have also accepted ‘Scarlett Johansson is still quite young’, ‘Scarlett Johansson doesn’t feel that her unsettled moviestar lifestyle would provide a baby with the right amount of security’ and ‘Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want to jeopardise her movie career by getting pregnant’. That last one, by the way, just shows how dedicated Scarlett Johansson is to the craft of making films that nobody particularly likes.

Are you still reading this? You’ve properly given us the creeps now.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Guess what – it wasn’t! According to all sorts of horribly depressing reports, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t going to legally formalise their Mexican wedding! It was all a great big waste of everyone’s time!

But, really, Heidi and Spencer should know that fake weddings are so passe – next time they want headlines they should try something more original, like getting caught in a bear trap or developing asbestos poisoning or playing frisbee with some landmines or something.

Of all the things that happened in 2008 – like the US presidential election, the credit crunch, the Virginia Tech shooting, the death of Heath Ledger – nothing was bigger than the marriage between The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. We’re being serious.

Heidi and Spencer’s marriage had everything – two utterly repulsive braying bellends adrift on an ocean of their own epic self-absorption who have never spent more than five seconds in the company of anyone else without becoming the subjects of a violently imagined stab-fantasy, and… um, no, actually in retrospect that’s all it had.

But never mind. It was sort of entertaining – thanks to everyone’s initial repulsion, the backdraft of even smaller celebrities trying to make their name by commenting on it and the world’s bitterest mother-in-law, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s wedding wasn’t a complete waste of time.

True, the marriage wasn’t valid because it was conducted in Mexico with an hour’s notice and everything,, but that didn’t matter – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were going to formalise their wedding on return to America, thereby reducing the world’s total of single cockstumps by a grand total of two. And once they were married, maybe Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt could create a baby so awful that it would absorb all of the world’s evil and then destroy itself, ushering in the Age of Aquarius for all mankind.

Except, no. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t properly married and, what do you know, in the final episode of The Hills it turned out that they’re probably never going to be either. But, hey, at least they didn’t wait until the last possible second to decide, like in the middle of swapping their vows during the ceremony, did they? Oh, who are we kidding. People reports:

When it was Spencer’s turn to promise til death, he hesitated and said, “I want to marry you right now. If you in your heart are horrified that we’re in a courthouse and your mom is crying and not talking to you, we don’t have to do this.” Heidi started crying. Spencer relented “We can’t do this. I’ll give you the wedding of your dreams and I will deal with it. I’m sorry. We’ll do it the way you want.” They exited the courtroom.

Ugh. You know what this means? It means that, by the next season of The Hills we’ll have to put up with even more endless wedding preparation followed by a big fairytale ceremony that, we’re guessing, will also be cancelled at the last minute when Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt look into each others’ eyes and realise there’s nothing but a throbbing empty vortex there. And that’ll be followed by another cancelled wedding. And another one. And another one. Until everyone dies of boredom.

But, look, it’s Christmas – let’s look on the bright side. By not getting married to Heidi Montag, this means that Spencer Pratt is technically still single. Form a queue, ladies! Ladies? Where has everyone gone?

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

But we were wrong. It turns out that Heidi Montag didn’t tell her family about her marriage to Spencer Pratt because they didn’t actually get married. Apparently Heidi and Spencer did had a wedding ceremony in Mexico, but it doesn’t count because it was only a symbolic wedding and no official permits were filled in.

So Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were just attention seeking by getting married; something completely out of character for both of them. It’s hard to know how to react to this news, other than fighting the urge to hit both Spencer and Heidi in the nose with a symbolic cricket bat, then push them down a symbolic flight of stairs and then set some symbolic dogs on them. Remember, it doesn’t count if it’s symbolic.

We’ll admit to feeling a frisson of excitement when we heard Monday’s news that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills had got married to each other in Mexico. It was like watching them admit defeat, an acknowledgment that nobody on the planet could ever put up with their constant overprivileged braying and galactic self-regard so they may as well just swallow their pride and stick with each other.

And it gave us hope for the future, too – not just for the clotheared punditry industry, but also because we knew that if Heidi Montag’s shrill, off-kilter sense of entitlement ever genetically mixed with Spencer Pratt’s sneering wankery and guff-coloured beard to form a baby, then at least it’d make everyone else’s kids seem less awful in comparison.

But guess what? It turns out that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt didn’t get married after all. You see, the rumour goes that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were drinking cocktails on the beach when all of a sudden they decided to get married. Within the hour rings were bought, vows were written and a team of reporters from US Weekly were in place to record the entire ceremony in extensive detail.

But the problem with that is that Americans getting married in Mexico have to go through a five-day process involving health and birth certificates being translated into Spanish and blood tests, and even then the state of California wouldn’t legally recognise it. So, long story short, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t even nearly married. AP reports:

The couple acknowledged Wednesday that their wedding ceremony  was symbolic, and not legally binding. “We had a beautiful ceremony here … officiated by a minister and photographed by the hotel photographer. We’ve never been happier,” said the couple in a statement provided by Us Weekly. “And, like other elopements that happen outside the country, we’ll take care of the legal details when we get home.”

A symbolic wedding. We don’t know about you, but that sounds like either compulsive attention-seeking of the very wost kind or a needlessly complicated way to get free cake.

But so what if this was all just a cynical attempt at keeping Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in the headlines and that the last person to pull a ruse like this was Anna Nicole Smith and look what happened to her. The important thing here is to stay positive.

For instance, if the Heidi Montag/ Spencer Pratt wedding isn’t legal, then they’ll want to have another marriage ceremony to make it legal in the near future, and that gives us plenty of time to buy lots of confetti to throw at them. Well, OK, not confetti. Gravel. Razor sharp gravel. And clumps of salmonella. We want to throw gravel and salmonella at Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Yeah, go ahead and check that one off. It’s happened – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills have run away to Cabo and got married, on the day that future historians will look back on and pinpoint as the greatest crash of humanity’s genetic stock market since scientists worked out that incest wasn’t very healthy.

But that shouldn’t detract from the happiness that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt feel in the wake of their marriage. Heidi and Spencer do suit each other remarkably well, after all, and we’re sure it won’t be long before we start hearing the pattering of tiny, um… what is it that cockroaches have instead of feet? Hooves? The sound of pattering cockroach hooves? No, that doesn’t sound right.

He might be one of the most unquestionably awful people on television – and one of the most universally disliked – but Spencer Pratt is, at heart a decent man. Yes, he might be a braying overprivileged clot who uses what little fame he has to sneer about his peers in public like some sort dreadful oafish twat, but occasionally he’ll do something so disarmingly sweet that it’ll cause everyone to rethink their opinion of him.

Like recently, for example, when Spencer Pratt decided that he’d do the decent thing for the sake of mankind and marry his equally awful girlfriend from The Hills, Heidi Montag, simply because it’d reduce the chances of other men getting drunk, sleeping with her, waking up the next morning and tearing all the skin off their faces with their fingernails while screaming “Oh God, what have I DONE?” in a bitter attack of regret and self-loathing.

So, yes, Spencer Pratt has married Heidi Montag in a Cabo ceremony so secret that not even Heidi’s parents were told about it, presumably because they had the means to launch a full-scale military intervention to stop the whole sorry thing from happening if they ever caught wind of it.

Judging by the wedding photos, both bride and groom managed to make an effort to look as beautiful as possible during the wedding. Heidi Montag looked angelic in a flowing white dress, and Spencer Pratt grew a beard that made him look like a bit like the Bigfoot from Harry And The Hendersons. USmagazine reports:

At the altar, Pratt told his bride: “Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.”

We give it six months.

Oh, we’re kidding. A year, tops. Anyway, even for cold-hearted bastards like us it’s hard not to mist up reading Spencer Pratt’s wedding vows back – from the distracting repetition of the word ‘life’ at the beginning to the weird sun/earth analogy that seems to suggest that one day Heidi Montag is going to get massive, literally swallow Spencer Pratt whole and then die, it’s non-stop romance all the way.

But enough about Spencer Pratt. Heidi Montag, you were involved in all of this too – quickly, say something that when taken out of context will make it seem like you only realised what a monstrous turd Spencer Pratt is when it was too late to go back:

“The minute we said our vows, I couldn’t stop crying.”

That’s right, Heidi, good girl.

Seriously, six months.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Or at least that’s what we thought. Now, as part of her confusing ‘go against everything she’s ever said, done or thought’ promotion for The Changeling, Angelina Jolie has admitted that she will inevitably get married to Brad Pitt, but only to stop her children from pestering them for a wedding.

It just goes to show how persuasive a small army of multinational children can be. If they can make Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married, just think what else the Jolie-Pitt kids could achieve if they harnessed their pester power properly. They could even aim for the impossible. You know what we mean – if they all work in unison, they could convince Angelina Jolie to make a film that doesn’t stink like a corpseful of turds for once.

Is it just us, or has Angelina Jolie been promoting The Changeling for longer than time itself? It certainly seems like it. All we can conclude is that Angelina must really want that Oscar, because the tricks she’s pulling on the promotional circuit are getting more and more desperate.

To begin with, things started normally enough. We thought that, for such a highbrow film, the only publicity that Angelina Jolie would need to do was return to the USA from Europe. But we underestimated wildly there – we didn’t know about Angelina Jolie’s tattoos. Or the way that she’d be photographed with a baby chowing down on her nipple. Or the way she bought her infant son a deadly weapon.

Most recently, like a boxer in the 35th round, Angelina Jolie has become so exhausted by all this promotion that she’s just throwing tired, opportunistic punches at whatever’s easiest. Not so long ago, Angelina Jolie admitted that she and Brad Pitt fell in love on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith when Brad was still married to Jennifer Aniston, despite making endless claims to the contrary for the last three years.

And now Angelina Jolie has reached down deep for one last push, just to make you go and see that bloody film of hers – she’s declared that she’s going to get married to Brad Pitt.

That’s a surprise, since Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt both declared that they’d never get married until gay marriage was legalised across America. But that was before they had kids. And, cuh, you know what they can be like right? Right? The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

[Angelina] says, “Usually people fall in love and everything revolves around the ritual of marriage, children are an afterthought. We did everything backwards. But sooner or later it will be the kids who ask us (to get married). You know, they see films and start asking questions. Such as, ‘Why are Shrek and Fiona married and you’re not?’”

It’s a good point, and when that day comes it’ll probably be best if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie respond using a similarly fairy tale-themed metaphor, about evil old ugly Queen Aniston who used to keep Prince Daddy locked in a cage and will probably throw herself off a building if they ever get married.

Or, you know, they could tell the truth and say that they’ll probably split up withing the next five years and not getting married will save the cost and mess of divorce proceedings. Either one’s fine, really.

But this is all hypothetical. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie won’t get married for a long time yet, because the kids haven’t asked yet. That’ll be years away – half of them are too young to communicate effectively now, and the other half still have to learn English.

Allegedly. Allegedly Jennifer Aniston has something growing in her stomach, and for once it’s not the burning desire to be the centre of attention or a little voice going “Feeeed meee! I’m so hungryyy!” Allegedly, you see, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer’s baby. Oh, and they’re getting married as well. Allegedly.

If this is true, we can’t help feeling that this is a mistake. If Jennifer Aniston wants to get her revenge on Angelina Jolie so much, then she shouldn’t be getting pregnant from a pasty white American like John Mayer – she should be getting pregnant from a Cambodian. And an Ethiopian. And a bloke from Vietnam. And probably a couple of Indians and a some Chinese men. All at once. On the internet. It’s the only way.

We’re eternal optimists here, which is why we refuse to believe that Jennifer Aniston is unlucky in love. We prefer to think of her as really lucky at living her increasingly desperate-seeming life out on the cover of magazines regardless of how emotionally needy it makes her look as a person. See? That’s much better.

But now, after fruitless relationships with Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn and that man who looked a bit like Brad Pitt if you got drunk, held a piece of gauze over your eyes, squinted and tilted your head to a very precise angle, it looks like Jennifer Aniston has found lasting happiness with John Mayer – a man she went out with briefly, then got dumped by, then sort of got back together with and has now possibly got pregnant by. If that’s not a recipe for lasting happiness, we just don’t know what is.

No, seriously. Things have apparently got so serious between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer that Mayer has allegedly knocked Aniston up. And, what’s more, Jennifer Aniston is supposed to have proposed to John Mayer as well. You hear that noise? That’s the sound of planet Earth sliding into hell. According to Showbiz Spy:

Jennifer Aniston has proposed to John Mayer, according to tabloid reports. The pair recently rekindled their relationship after finding out Aniston was pregnant. And now, a source tells Star, “John sent Jennifer a series of romantic emails – but she said she would only take him back if they got married, and he agreed. “They both know this is it. She wants to settle down, and finally, so does he.

Personally we’re not going to believe a sniff of this until we see actual, lasting physical proof. We’re not going to believe that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are getting married until their wedding photos have been ruthlessly sold to as many tabloid magazines as they can possibly manage. And we’re certainly not going to believe that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant until we see a baby.

And even then we’re not going to fully believe that the baby was fathered by John Mayer. Not until we have total unquestionable proof that the baby is half Aniston and half Mayer. That’s right, we want it to have a big pointy chin, stupid girly hair and a singing voice that makes us want to kick our own mouths off. Sure, it’ll probably set the progress of humanity back a generation or two, but at least we’ll know.

If you’re a somewhat famous person who hasn’t really gotten it together in years – what you need is a good publicist.

Seriously – a good publicist can do wonders for your career. They’ll get your name on marquees, they’ll make the masses forget you’re ugly and dumb, and dang it all, they’ll even marry you if that’s what it takes to sell your next album.

We can’t guarantee all publicists will marry you – but Eddie Van Halen’s will. She’ll marry you in a heartbeat – even if you look kinda like you’ve been buried in a moist hill for over 200 years. It’s because she does what it takes – whatever it takes, to get you a headline or two.

That’s what we assume anyway – because she just got romantically engaged to E Van Halen. Yes, she got romantically engaged to him, with plans to romantically marry him.

Now that’s dedication.

When that Bertanelli chick married Eddie Van Halen over fifty years ago, it was with the intent of eventually replacing Sammy Hagar on vocals. When that didn’t work out their marriage shattered, and both were left with empty hearts that only a personal employee could fill.

For the record we have no idea who Valerie Bertanelli is currently dating. We are up on Eddie though – he’s been dating Janie Liszewski, an employee whom he no doubt pays several thousand dollars per year. She just got a raise though, probably a big one too – like two grand or something. That’s because they’re engaged now, and have properly annotated so on their W-4.

We don’t actually have the financial numbers involved with their engagement, and possibly there aren’t any. Here’s what People thinks:

“Eddie Van Halen is engaged to his girlfriend/publicist Janie Liszewski, PEOPLE has learned. Van Halen, 53, proposed to Liszewski, 38, on Aug. 4 while they were vacationing in Hawaii. The rock guitarist dropped to one knee and popped the question in a private room at Tiffany’s, a source close to the couple tells PEOPLE. The couple plan to wed next June.”

Now that news is far more interesting than the time Van Halen canceled a tour, the time they canceled a tour again, or the time Eddie’s daffodils got covered in way too much water. Still though, it’s not quite as interesting as the time his dog exploded, the time he gave up music to make wine with nuns, or the time he got an x-ray that found over 10,000 fire ants burrowed deep in his chest.

No links for those last ones? Probably because they’re not true at all. If they were, Eddie Van Halen would be the most interesting person in the world, and his publicist wouldn’t have to throw herself in front of that romantically entangled bullet.

Just imagine a world like that.

But who has Scarlett Johansson got married to? A king? James Bond? A philanthropic playboy billionaire? Pre-goose Fabio? No. Scarlett Johansson has got married to Ryan Reynolds – the man who you’ll probably recognise as the bloke you wanted to punch square in the face for the entire duration of that Definitely, Maybe film your girlfriend made you go and see.

Apparently Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynold’s wedding was a small, quiet affair attended by only a handful of people. That’s not to say that more people weren’t invited – they just never got round to replying because they’ve all been scratching their heads and going “Ryan Reynolds? Why?” ever since the invitations arrived.

When most people watched Van Wilder, their main thoughts were probably either “If this film doesn’t finish instantly I’m going to thumb my bloody eyes out,” or “Why am I watching a film that revolves around someone eating a doughnut filled with dog semen?” But not Scarlett Johansson.

When Scarlett Johansson saw Ryan Reynolds in Van Wilder, she thought “Who is this sexy hunk of sex photographing a bulldog getting wanked off into some cakes? I don’t care if his face is obviously too small for his head – he must be mine!”

And now he is. By some absurd quirk that we’re going to put down to either brain damage or long-term hypnosis, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds got married this weekend. People reports:

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds made it official with a wedding this weekend, Reynolds’s rep, Meredith O’Sullivan, confirmed to PEOPLE. Attended by only a handful of close friends and family, the ceremony was held at a remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver, B.C.

A remote wilderness retreat outside of Vancouver? Wait, that’s… isn’t that… all of Canada?

Anyway, this news isn’t a huge surprise, because Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds got engaged back in April. Back then, however, they both made out that it was going to be a long, relaxed engagement that wouldn’t result in anything for ages – not that they were going to wait five months, then run off to get married down the woods.

But still, as inexplicable as this wedding is, at least both Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds can look each other in the eye and know that they’re both a step up from their last partners. That’s because one of the last women Ryan Reynolds was with was Alanis Morissette, and after he dumped her she wrote an album all about what a twat he was. And one of the last people Scarlett Johansson was linked to was Justin Timberla…

OK, no, we take that back. Scarlett Johansson hasn’t done very well out of this marriage at all, has she?

That’s because, ladies, we’re sorry to admit that George Takei has got married. Your dreams of Mr Sulu appearing at your doorstep on a white steed to whisk you away to a life on unparalleled luxury are worthless now, because this weekend George Takei got married to a very lucky lady by the name of Brad Altman.

Huh, Brad Altman. That’s a funny and oddly-masculine name for a lady to have. In fact, looking at George Takei’s wedding pictures, his new wife bears an uncanny resemblance to a balding grey-haired man in his mid-fifties. Poor woman. Still, she must be great in the sack to snag a pussy-magnet like George Takei, so who are we to judge.

Oh, alright. Look, we know George Takei is gay. How could he not be? His most famous, career-defining role was as an overdramatic spacemen who wore campy, brightly-coloured unitards – and we all know that everyone who does that is clearly as gay as can be. Everyone. Everyone.

But before he announced his homosexuality to the world a couple of years ago, George Takei had managed to do a pretty incredible job of fooling the world, by living in perfect happiness with his boyfriend for over 20 years. Fiendish, fiendish man Takei.

However, you can’t say that of George Takei any more, because he no longer lives with his boyfriend. No, now George Takei lives with his husband, because he and Brad Altman got married last night in a Buddhist ceremony in Los Angeles so perfect that not even an unexpected slick of Lieutenant Uhuru’s disgusting conjunctivitis gunge could derail it. People reports:

“All I can remember is what the priest said,” Takei told PEOPLE after the ceremony. “That this moment will never happen again. It’s something to savor.” “I was fighting back the tears,” said Nichols, who played Uhura on the Star Trek series. “But they came oozing out anyway. I’m so happy that they’re both able to legally proclaim their commitment to one another after spending the past 21 years together.”

We’re sure that George Takei and Brad Altman will love married life because, as demonstrated when they announced their engagement, the two of them are in love. Completely in love. The kind of love that makes everyone who’s not them secretly wish they one of them would fall down a hill and shatter their pelvis, just because it’d make them shut up about how much they love each other, if only for a second. It’s sweet, really.

But anyway, as well as being a lovely ceremony between a loving couple, George Takei’s marriage to Brad Altman also had a deeper meaning. No, not that civil partnerships between loving homosexual couples can no longer be denied, but that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson can kiss it if they think they can beat George Takei to all the exclusive magazine gay marriage photoshoot cash. Ah, romance.

Now it seems like Lindsay Lohan has found the love of her life – a boy-haired DJ called Samantha Ronson. For the past however many months, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have been completely inseparable, going to events together, falling out of clubs together, slagging off Lindsay Lohan’s dad together – and now it looks like they want to make their union official.

That’s right, according to reports Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson could be getting married in the next few months. Let’s just pray that they don’t accidentally release a Pammy & Tommy-style honeymoon sex video. Not because lesbian sex repulses us, you understand, but because we’ve seen Lindsay Lohan naked so many times in the last few years that one more glimpse of her ginger knockers will probably send us into a deep narcoleptic coma that we’ll never recover from.

We don’t know about you, but this whole gay marriage thing has been a bit of a letdown, hasn’t it? All that fuss and what have we got to show for it? Weddings by Ellen DeGeneres and Mr Sulu and nobody else, that’s what. It’s a bloody disgrace – doesn’t anyone realise that California only overturned its ban on gay marriage to lure secretly gay celebrities out of the closet? Honestly, famous secret gays, we don’t pay your wages for sloppy behaviour like this.

Luckily that might all be about to change, and it’s all down to Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay understands the value of spectacle better than anyone, whether she’s having it off with men or getting arrested for chasing a car drunk with cocaine in her pockets. And that’s why Lindsay Lohan’s upcoming gay marriage will be the bash to end all bashes.

Oh, didn’t we mention? Lindsay Lohan is definitely going to have a gay wedding soon, to her inescapable female chum Samantha Ronson. And the wedding is definitely going to happen by the end of the year. Definitely. Newsday reports:

This week, Ronson told clubgoers at Los Angeles hot spot Chateau Marmont that the two plan to tie the knot within the next few months, Britain’s Sun newspaper reports. “By the end of the year, my love will be Mrs. Ronson,” she said, according to the Sun. Responding to the article, Lohan’s rep told us, “Please don’t believe the British press.”

See? What does “Please don’t believe the British press” mean if not “Lindsay Lohan is definitely getting married to Samantha Ronson, and soon, and it’s going to be awesome.”

We’ve been here before, of course, when Lindsay Lohan had supposedly got engaged to Samantha Ronson but actually didn’t and then last month when another report of their impending gay marriage was shot down. But this time is different because, um… OK, it’s actually not that different at all. But shut up. If Lindsay Lohan gets married to a girl we won’t be forced to look at any more gruesome photos of her allegedly sucking off blokes. That’s what’s most important here. Don’t burst our bubble, OK?

Also, if this story is true, would we be able to push for Samantha Ronson to be the groom and Lindsay Lohan the bride, please? Because that way Michael Lohan would get to make a speech and, well, what’s a wedding without a fist-fight between a middle-aged Christian and a lesbian, huh?

And when we say big, we mean big. Like, for instance, James Gandolfini got married on Saturday. That’s right – a man from a TV show that ended over a year ago just got married to a woman we’ve never even heard of. In Hawaii. And, um, that’s about it.

Just kidding – loads happened. For instance, James Gandolfini’s eight-year-old son was the best man. And also, James Gandolfini’s wife walked down the aisle to some harp music. Why, James Gandolfini’s wedding has got to be the happiest, harpiest, Hawaiiest, eight-year-old boyiest wedding to happen to anyone who played the lead in The Sopranos ever!

Warning: the following story may contain padding.

Poor old James Gandolfini. For close to a decade he’s defined himself by playing Tony Soprano, but now that The Sopranos has finished he has to find new ways to occupy his time.

Sure, there’s always more acting, but one look at his IMDb page – and the revelation that his upcoming slate contains both a film about shoes and a John Travolta vehicle – won’t exactly thrill anyone to death. And perhaps that’s why James Gandolfini has decided to concentrate on his family life, by getting married to Deborah Lin in Hawaii on Saturday.

Who’s Deborah Lin? She’s James Gandolfini’s wife. That is literally her only defining characteristic. Oh, and she used to be a model. But, hey, who didn’t?

Do you want the details of James Gandolfini’s wedding? What? You actually do? Even though we’ve already told you about Hawaii and the harp and the weirdly young best man? Seriously, we don’t know what’s wrong with you people. Fine. Here’s how E! Online described it:

The intimate 20-minute ceremony was held at the island’s Central Union Church. A harpist played the “Hawaiian Wedding Song” as the bride walked down the aisle in a white, Italian lace gown. Gandofini’s best man was his 8-year-old son, Michael.

Are you happy now? Are you happy that you got to hear about the Italian lace? Are you? You’d better be happy. Italian lace indeed. Cuh.

So that’s it. That’s the biggest news of the day. James Gandolfini got married to a woman who was wearing Italian lace and likes harps and there was an eight-year-old best man.

Still, we wish we’d been there for the best man’s speech. There’s nothing like watching an eight-year-old boy nervously allude to his own father’s sexual promiscuity in a humorous way, is there?

Then we looked her right in the eyes, tucked her sweat-covered hair behind an ear and said: "We knew we’d find you. That’s why we’ve been baiting this trap once a week for the past ten years.”

Ends up she wasn’t into us – probably because we made her gangrenous. Still though, as we sometimes run her 6”x 3” patch of skin through our fingers – the piece that got torn off in the hinge and has long since turned to human-leather – we can’t help but wonder what she’s doing now and if she ever thinks of us.

Seriously – we are so lonely.

Timbaland’s not lonely anymore though – and he proved it with an island wedding that may or may not be officially recognised in the United States. He got married a day or two ago – to a woman who didn’t complain one bit when their first dance was to a 43-minute remixed Nelly Furtado song.

Timbaland is so lucky. He found love, and now he has to be married to it.

Marriage is the new black in the world of hip hop, which would seems to explain why so many of its stars are diving in this year. 

The producer and his bride actually tied the knot earlier in the month as well, but in a style fitting of Pamela Anderson and any of her two dozen current or former husbands – they decided to have multiple weddings all over the place.

E! Online spreads the rich, creamy, second-wedding news like a dollop of butter on your breakfast wheat-toast:

"The prolific hip-hop producer tied the knot with longtime publicist and baby mama Monique Idlett in Aruba Sunday. Several hundred guests shared in the nuptial bliss, including longtime collaborator Missy Elliott, Omarion, Ginuwine, rapper Magoo and Timbaland-groomed artist Kerri Hilson, per Us Weekly, which first reported the matrimony. The 37-year-old liner-note staple, whose real name is Timothy Mosley, and the 33-year-old Idlett had been dating for two and a half years prior to the vow swap."

Did you see that though? The marriage took place in Aruba. We heard they decided to do it after a weekend of bounty-hunting Joran Van Der Sloot. All that adrenaline is enough to make anyone wax romantic.

They didn't catch him or anything – but when you find a love like that, maybe you don't have to.

Why? Because she’s married to Charlie Sheen, that’s why! We’ve had our eye on him for ages and, by getting married to him on Friday, Brooke Mueller has swiped him right out from under our noses. We’ll never get to star in a bitter reality TV show about why we hate our ex-husband Charlie Sheen now! Never!

Brooke Mueller, you heed our words – next time you spy Charlie Sheen looking at internet porn sites featuring very young girls or get caught on the wrong end of a foul-mouthed Charlie Sheen tirade about why it’s funny that your mother’s got cancer, remember that the crushing, life-sapping sense of anguish you feel was meant for us. Us!

Trying to pick a side in the ongoing public squabble between former marrieds Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen is an unwinnable task.

Pick Denise and you side with a woman happy to whore out her kids in a reality show and then promote that reality show by giving a number of mad-eyed ultra-defensive TV interviews; pick Charlie and you’re siding with Charlie Sheen, author of the masterpieces “You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go fuck yourself sad jobless pig,” and “Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and fucking nigger alright so fuck you.”

However, none of that counts for anything now because, as obviously hilarious as watching Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards smash each other to pulp in public is, Charlie Sheen has moved on with his life and married Brooke Mueller – a woman who can’t be judged against Denise Richards because although she’s never had hot lesbian sex with Neve Campbell on film, she’s also never gone batshit and thrown computers at old women. Balances out.

Anyway, on Friday Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller got married and it was a lovely ceremony, marking the only time when it’s OK to use the words ‘Charlie Sheen’ and ‘lovely’ in the same sentence. E! Online reports:

E! News confirms that the Two and a Half Men star swapped vows with live-in love Brooke Mueller Friday in front of about 60 people at a private estate in the gated Los Angeles community of Beverly Park. All dolled up for the occasion were Sheen’s two daughters with ex-wife Denise Richards, Sam, 4, and Lola, who will be 3 next month. The actor’s ever-supportive dad, Martin Sheen, and mom Janet were also in attendance.

Charlie Sheen obviously has a very strong devotion towards Brooke, because he’s had several of his tattoos lasered off just to please her; and she’s obviously madly in love with him because, well, he’s Charlie Sheen and she hasn’t been freaked out by him yet.

So maybe Brooke Mueller really is the person to turn Charlie Sheen’s life around and instill a new sense of purpose and calm into him.

God, that’d be rubbish. Fingers crossed that she turns out to be mental.